It was a good session this week

It was a good session this week (TM my T).

We returned to some of the frustration I expressed last time when I got so angry (at other people and events) in his presence. I really let fly last week. I am happy to report that I didn't swear a single time this week.

Several times during this session, I was having these moments of uncomprehension. I would say something, and it would be so at odds with what I had said earlier or what I knew to be true. And I would hear my words and say to T, I know that is not true. I was having these little disconnected moments where I was contradicting myself while being aware I was contradicting myself, and I would call myself on it, but I couldn't help it. I didn't make sense. It was disturbing, like I could see myself saying stuff that was not true, but yet somehow, it was true also. Very confusing!

I reminded T how last week he told me he saw the fear that was behind my anger, and I told him he was so right. He asked me, "what can I, as your therapist, do to help?" That question stopped me in my tracks. They should ask that more often! Sure I know I can always tell him, but sometimes I forget... I asked him if he could help me figure out why I am so scared. He sat back with this satisfied look on his face--he really seemed to like that answer, kind of like great, let's dig in!

So we worked on that. I got a little brave and shared with him this intense and painful childhood memory that had come charging into my brain almost immediately after our last session, before I was even out the door of his waiting room. The events were not connected at all to what I am currently going through, but yet some of the feelings I am experiencing now are identical and it recalled this childhood event from the depths of memory. It was hard to share the tale with T as it was yucky stuff, but I got it out. (This is the great value of our trust.)

After that, a lot became clearer for T. He said you have more than one ego state here tonight. Your little 7 year old girl ego state is flitting in and out. I see her. She is the girl of this memory. (We have worked with ego states before and done some integration work, but with a younger girl of about 5.) But your adult ego state is here too. That's the dissonance you feel tonight. Your adult ego state will say one thing, and then your little girl ego state will express something else, as seen through her own lens, and it is contradictory. Your adult will respond to this and say it's not true, that it doesn't make sense. But yet you feel it is true--your younger ego state holds that truth--and your adult cannot put the contradictions together. That is why you are so confused.

Then he reassured me that this is completely normal, a common response to trauma. The younger ego state went through this traumatic experience and now I am recalling it, and here she is, not integrated because of the unresolved trauma. He said I am experiencing PTS--flashbacks, the fear, fighting with my anger to protect myself, the presence of the younger ego state, the inconsistencies, etc. He is going to do EMDR with me and this little girl ego state to resolve the trauma. (We have done similar EMDR work with even younger ego states.) It felt good to have this "new" ego state that has manifested be recognized by him. At one point he said, "I am holding your little girl in my arms," and he made a sort of cradle gesture with his arms. It also made me feel better to have more insight into my inconsistency and dissonance, as he called it. The discrepancies have been very unsettling for me. EMDR was very helpful when we did it before, over a year ago, and helped me process stuck trauma. I'm so hoping that resolving this past trauma will help me with the intense anxiety I have been feeling about present events. It's been limiting my ability to function in certain circumstances.

T said several times, "this has been such a good session"--because he learned so much and how better to help me. It's like he's found some new pieces to the puzzle.

On my way out, I passed him where he had gone to sit at his desk. I put my hand on the doorknob to go out. "Wait!" he said, and quickly stood up and came up to me and opened his arms. Hug time. It was a long one. I felt so safe. I loved the insistency in his voice when he said "wait!"

Wow! very interesting session, sounds like you learned a lot. I frequently experience contradictions in the stuff I write and sometimes say. I need to learn more about these ego states.

The hug at the end of this session was a nice icing on the cake for you.

Sunrise, what a great session. I so related to everything you were saying, you put it in a way I find difficult too, I often feel as if I'm contridicting myself unyet it feels so real. Well done!

Sunny,

It sounds like you were able to reach some important parts of yourself this week. Integrating trauma is painful. Maybe you can do something special for Sunny this weekend!

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"what can I, as your therapist, do to help?

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My T says this all the time. It is an empowering reminder of the fact that I am really in charge of the healing.

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I loved the insistency in his voice when he said "wait!"

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Did you love the hug too?

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I got so angry (at other people and events) in his presence

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I remember finding it really hard to let T see me in my angry mode. But I am finding that the biggest payout comes when I can get angry at him and let him see it.

Peace

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mckell13 said:
I need to learn more about these ego states.

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McKell, here's a little info from this website:
http://www.clinicalsocialwork.com/overview.html
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Ego-State Therapy: An Overview
... [Paul] Federn believed that the personality was not simply a collections of perceptions, cognitions, and affects, but that these organized into clusters or patterns, which he called ego states. An ego state may be defined as an organized system of behavior and experience whose elements are bound together by some common principle.

When one of these states is invested with ego energy, it becomes “the self” in the here and now. We say it is “executive,” and it experiences the other states (if it is aware of them at all) as “he,” “she,” or “it,” because they are then currently invested with object energy.

Ego states may be large and include all the various behaviors and experiences activated in one’s occupation. They may be small, like the behaviors and feelings elicited in school at the age of 6. They may represent current modes of behavior and experiences or, as with hypnotic regression, include many memories, postures, feelings, etc. that were apparently learned at an earlier age. They may be organized into different dimensions. For example, an ego state may be built around the age of 10. Another one may represent patterns of behavior toward father and authority figures and thus overlap on experiences with father at the age of 10.

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At the time T and I were doing ego state therapy last year, I had a vision who I am. I saw myself as a room fool of shadowy people, all myself, of different ages and characteristics. They were mostly gray, shadow people—all my ego states. A few were more differentiated (less integrated) than others--less gray--and stood out to me. I recognized them. There was the little 4 year old girl I was working with then. There was an older girl of 7 or 8 or 9, who I believe is the "new" ego state that has recently come out of hiding. There was a teenage girl too, and more. I realized I had a new conception of self—my room full of ego states. And I also had a new conception of who I am—the team leader ("executive") who holds us all together, who leads us all through life in a coordinated effort to function. And I felt proud of myself, that I could marshal the forces and get us through life.

Now current events have brought this unintegrated little girl ego state to the forefront. What I liked about ego state therapy before was, to paraphrase, that my own mature adult self was the primary agent of healing. I am really looking forward to doing this again. Helping this little girl will help me so much with current events.

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Mouse_ said:
I often feel as if I'm contridicting myself unyet it feels so real. Well done!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It is comforting to hear it is not just me who gets that feeling. Thanks.

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MissCharlotte said:
Did you love the hug too?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ummm, yeahhh!!!

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I remember finding it really hard to let T see me in my angry mode. But I am finding that the biggest payout comes when I can get angry at him and let him see it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It is really interesting that getting angry can have such big pay-offs in therapy (for me, the T doesn't have to be the target). My anger lead to T's recognizing my fear and then my childhood flashback and my dissonance in session and then the child ego state whose feelings are directly linked to my own current adult feelings. Anger is a good key to unlock doors. With my hang-ups about anger, it actually helps me a little to realize that anger has this really useful therapeutic function. Maybe next time I am having trouble expressing anger, I can just think inside, "go ahead, be angry, this could be a key!"

Sunny that is great! I love the two hugs I got from T...it means so much when they do something at the right moment in time.

sunny it sounds like a meaningful session.

I too contradict myself. If I catch myself doing it in session I laugh and point it out but do it anyway. Some of it is the ambivalence I have such difficulty with, I think.

Other times, I don't catch it until after session. I can be barely out of the parking lot when I feel like head-slapping myself over something I was adamant about that session that was contradictory to what I had said in an earlier session.

Thank you for the link about the ego states.

I'm glad your daughter is safe and sound

Interesting link.. Maybe i need hypnosis :-) If my T is using specific techniques with me I don't see it. So far we are just trying to hold a detailed conversation with out me floating off. She has mentioned something about a ego state once but never elaborated. She has never referred to an inner child, nor mentioned EMDR, IMAGO or any of the other techniques mentioned on PC. Maybe I am just not listening or paying attention to the big picture.

I think my stuttering, contradicting, and going to great lengths to hide from myself takes up the whole hour.

You're not alone Mckell.....My T. has never mentioned any of those things either. I'm sure he's aware of them cause he is a PHD and he is a psych professor and supervises clinical work. This makes me worry cause I wonder why none of this stuff ever comes up. He's a wonderful, caring t., But I'm starting to think I should ask him about some of the things I read about on here. I get soo paranoid sometimes and tend to over-think everything. I definately want to know more about these "ego-states" though. It really fascinates me.

tulips

McKell and tulips30, it could be that your presenting problems don't require the specific techniques of ego state therapy or EMDR. Both of these are frequently used in trauma work, so maybe the shoe just doesn't fit. Or these specific techniques are not part of your therapist's toolbox. I think each T has their favorites that work for them in therapy. For example, when my T and I analyze dreams, we use the Gestalt dreamwork approach. But other T's may use other techniques for dream analysis.

My former T did not use any of these techniques. We were strictly talk therapy, chatting about the current problems I was facing and never going beneath the surface. She never asked about my childhood, relations with mother and father, etc. It was very behavior oriented--what concrete steps can I take in my life to make things better (e.g. expanding my circle of supportive friends and family, getting more sleep and exercise, etc.). After about 9 months with her, we ran out of steam because I wasn't progressing and I needed someone with a bigger toolset. So I found someone with a different approach.

I actually don't think I have seen all my T's techniques. I have mentioned here before my curiosity about some of the Shaman-like "tools" in his office. What does he do with that stuff? Once when I was having a hard time getting him to engage with me (I couldn't pull him away from his computer), I asked him what that brass receptacle was with the plush pillow-hearts in it (all different shapes and sizes). He invited me to hold one of the hearts and look at it, but he didn't explain anything! I held it the rest of the session, but didn't push the topic--I guess he will tell me someday when and if he wants to. When the time is right (if ever).

I think if what you are doing in therapy is working for you, then you may not need more eclectic techniques. The T will bring them out if he is capable, when the time is right. I bet if I had asked my former T (the behaviorist) about ego state therapy, she might have looked at me and said "whaaatt?" Or maybe she would have been dismissive.

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So far we are just trying to hold a detailed conversation with out me floating off.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">McKell, it is a huge accomplishment to be able to learn to do that!

McKell, in what context did your T mention an ego state?

Some cool parts I remember about ego state therapy: my T taught my executive self how to "rescue" my little girl ego state when she was in danger. Very healing. My T would ask me questions about my little girl ego state. What is she feeling? Can you tell her such and such? I would then relay her answers to him. "She says that she is scared because..." etc. My little girl never spoke directly to him, but relied on me to pass on her message. Sometimes he would speak directly to her, or sometimes use me as an intermediary. It was totally cool. If anyone doubts that this works, or thinks that it is all fantasy, you have only to experience the immediate knowledge of your little girl ego state answering the questions and you will know. My ego states sometimes make appearances in my dreams (this is what helped T initially identify my 5 year old girl ego state last year).

I was reading at a website last night about a type of family therapy that grew out of ego state therapy. It was really fascinating. It is called "The Internal Family Systems Model." They grouped the ego state like personas into 3 types: the managers, the exiles, and the firefighters. There is also an executive as in the ego state model, but they call it simply "the self."
http://www.selfleadership.org/ifsmodel.asp

Sunrise,
I think it was after I had mentioned something about ego state when I said something about things only surfacing at 3 AM. It is interesting, when you describe some of the question you T asks. Maybe my T has tested my receptiveness to the ego state therapy in two previous sessions. However, my "what the *&amp;^% are you talking about? I have no idea what I wanted when I was 10!" These responses might have indicated that I was not ready to go there, yet. She probably decided ..Hmmm maybe we should stick with talk therapy for a while longer.

Now that I think about it this is probably another layer of defense. Because that evening outside of therapy, I knew what she was wanting me to do and could access some of these emotions. I can be such an %#@&#! during the session sometimes! That will be my goal for this week's session, stop playing clueless and give my best effort.