good session

i think the break was good for me too. for the first time... i talked. and talked. and talked and talked and talked. i think he might have found it hard to get much of a word in, actually.

:-)

i told him more about rational me. and about some of the conflicts there. i told him about the kind of work i do and the kind of work i'm ambivalent about getting into.

i told him about posting on boards. he said he never has read any mental health boards and he promised he wouldn't start. i told him about how involved i was in terms of time. about some of my social relationships at work. about how i'm not posting at this other board anymore.

he was really terrific.

i told him about stuff i've been reading too. that book about 'neural plasticity and the power of mental force'. about how i enjoyed reading it and about some of the stuff it was saying about how mindfulness meditation seemed to break the OCD circuit.

he seemed... a little surprised. a little surprised, but okay. i told him that the other one (who i've said i really didn't want to talk about) had been crying a lot. and that i was scared rational me would bully her. and he knew she was little. and i told him her name.

and then i was exhausted. but happy. she isn't crying so much anymore.

:-)

I am glad to hear that you had a good session and that you were able to talk about so much that is important to you, and that your T accepted what you told him and the meaning that it has for you. It sounds like you are doing some really good work.

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alexandra_k said:




i told him that the other one (who i've said i really didn't want to talk about) had been crying a lot. and that i was scared rational me would bully her. and he knew she was little. and i told him her name.

and then i was exhausted. but happy. she isn't crying so much anymore.

:-)

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This is great news! :-)

Glad to hear that you were able to share more about yourself. That takes a lot of strength and courage, and i admire you for that.

((((((((((( Alexandra ))))))))))))))

I am so happy for you! I hope the sessions just get better and better.

Hugs,

Jan

((Alexandra))

I can feel the tension falling away and the good feelings peacefully settling in when I read your post! It is so good that you were able to talk about all those things.

It sounds like you were able to do what you wanted to do, say and talk about what you wanted to, in spite of your fears and worries. That is a great accomplishment and a great feeling!

I happy your session went so well and you are feeling good about it!

ECHOES

Thanks people :-)

I have a list of things I worry about:

1) I worry that he won't want to work with me when he realises that I'm really not going to switch in sessions (and that that isn't just a lack of trust issue).
2) Related to the above: I worry that he won't want to work with me when he realises that he isn't going to be getting the opportunity to treat someone with the standard therapies for the standard conception of DID.
3) I worry that W. will bully him.
4) I worry that he will feel revolted by kt.
5) I worry that a. will bully him too...
6) I worry that he will find W. to be rediculous.
Aw. Little point going on with this. One and Two are the majors.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is...

To start with people wouldn't work with me because they said that they didn't have experience with treating DID so they weren't qualified to be working with me.

And then people would work with me but I really don't think that they did have experience to be working with me. I'm not sure what that is about. Maybe it was that I didn't trust that they were strong enough should W. turn out to bully them. Maybe it was also that I have thoughts about what is going on for me and some thoughts about what I need and I don't think they could really understand what I was saying...

But this guy is about perfect. He is really really really nice. But I think he is probably stronger than he looks with respect to his ability to deal with W. I've told him W. is a bully already. That he bullys me and J. That I'm scared he will bully kt so I have to be a bit careful of how much I say about her... When I said that latter bit he said 'sorry - you are scared W. will bully me?' I said 'no, kt'. I don't know if he misheard (is he worrying about that too?) or if he was trying to get me to admit that... Either way... I guess he knows it could be on the cards anyway. I think W. has internalised my mothers ways of getting things done / getting what he wants. Maybe he can learn other ways to effect that...

It is okay.

I told him about the overlap between me and W. about how sometimes i get confused about whether it is what W. wants or about whether it is what I want but I am ambivalent. Sometimes I miss a bit of time to him yeah. But there is this overlap too. Sometimes lots. The more I work with him the more overlap there is. I see how the integration is going to go:

W
A
then the hurting parts
J
kt
i understand...

it is about making me larger. so i don't have to disown their thoughts memories feelings anymore. disown them and they hurt and act up and get me into trouble. it is about making me larger. i can prevent switching in sessions. i can prevent it. so... i want to do things this way. don't care what you call me. call me did or pseudodid or dissociative spectrum i don't care what you call me so long as it isn't a manipulative attention seeking liar.

bye bye diagnoses i really don't care.

oh the beauty of being treated as a person

ak you're inspirational of someone who refuses to take no for an answer! that's a good thing when hunting down professional help.......especially when it isn't easily offered or available.

you're to be admired for sticking to this work along the way.......naturally there will be breaks and it will be a non-linear path but your ability to stay the course is part of what will get you through to the other side.........you've already survived this far.........the rest isn't as hard as what you've already lived through.

might seem that way at times. we understand that. but we're not lying when we say you've already lived through the worst.......nothing but roses from here!

im happy things went so well for you alexandra. well done for being so brave! sounds like you re really going to get to where you want to be.
good luck!
biiv

Thanks Zen. Yeah, it was really hard. Trying to get a clinician who I could work with. Trying... And trying... And trying... And always being assigned to people. And sometimes it was fairly clear that we didn't really get on right from the start. But there was nothing to do but try and make the most of it. And so very many rejections. Where people said they couldn't help me or sometimes said that I couldn't be helped. And so many terminations when people moved on.

I'm so happy that I'm finally working with someone who I think I can work with and who seems to think they can work with me :-)

And I do click with him because I have some understanding of why he is doing what he is doing. And because we speak the same language mostly.

It is terrific.

:-)

Thanks Biiv. Yeah. Feeling okay. Sad but okay. Need to focus on work. Refocus. Too many ideas... Need to focus. Thankyou.