Good session

T complemented me on my jewelry today. "I love it when you wear those necklaces," he said. I told him what country they were from and then produced a card from my wallet and handed it to him to read about the necklaces, which are produced in developing nations by women struggling to make ends meet, and sold by a U.S. non-profit via volunteers like me. (I hand the cards out to anyone who comments on the jewelry.) T was really interested and then told me that his wife is very interested in things like this, and he was going to give her the card. I felt all warm and fuzzy about that. T likes something of mine well enough to share with someone he loves.

It was a good talk today. I am feeling strong. Even though I found out last week I will almost certainly lose my job in 2009, I was feeling OK. I told him how this made me even more determined to get through the divorce, so I can then focus on my career and jobhunt, which will be a major undertaking. I told him it is just too much for me to do the divorce, sell the house, and find a job all at once. So I need to finish some of this stuff off so I can get to the other.

As we were talking about the divorce process (favorite topic), I stumbled upon something that had made me very angry. Who knew? Something T had been involved with. I told T how it was for me when I found out what had happened. As I told him, I started crying a little, you know, tears of pain and anger. I told him I needed him and my L to protect me in those situations, and they hadn't. Ouch. GRRRR. He didn't tell me he wouldn't do it again, but he did say he was sorry I had been so hurt and that he understood why. What I really like about him is that when I am angry at him, he doesn't get defensive. He listens to what I have to say and responds. No anger in return. Just an open desire to understand. I'm making it sound like this was a big part of the session, but really, the whole interchange only took a couple of minutes, then on we went to something else. I find it amazing I could express my hurt and anger, we could deal with it, and then move on, just as if this is as common an occurrence as the sun rising. It was as if I do this all the time and it is easy and normal. This is sunny? Does it take a year and a half of bonding with someone and developing trust to be able to easily tell them you are hurt and angry? I don't know, but I am happy to have this, at least for a short while, with one person in my life.

Nice hug at the end. This relationship feels so easy and comfortable.

"I find it amazing I could express my hurt and anger, we could deal with it, and then move on, just as if this is as common an occurrence as the sun rising. It was as if I do this all the time and it is easy and normal. This is sunny? Does it take a year and a half of bonding with someone and developing trust to be able to easily tell them you are hurt and angry? I don't know, but I am happy to have this, at least for a short while, with one person in my life. "

Awesome =) Yep - it's suny! And yeah, i think it does take that long in healing and a good relationship to get to that point. I sort of got that (not really a lecture ,but a talking point) from t last night. Because of the confusion around the idea of inf fraud and how upset it made with by being out of congruence with who i am, she launched into this thing about communication and how important it is to say things that are upsetting or confusing right then and there so we can deal with it - no anger on her part. that "if I am confused, I check with her, and likewise if she is confused she'll check with me - that this is all apart of helthy relationships". *whew*! that was a lot to process for my brain and my typing fingers.

In other words, I think it is super and also very healing for you to be at that point! Yay YOU!

I'm so glad you're getting this experience. A divorce with good experience to help you in your life ahead. Who knew? LOL

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Kiya wrote:
"if I am confused, I check with her, and likewise if she is confused she'll check with me - that this is all apart of helthy relationships".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, that is such a good skill to work on. I need to be better at that too. My T has told me multiple times that a good first step in communicating is to seek clarification on what the other person meant, before jumping to one's own conclusions.

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Perna said:
A divorce with good experience to help you in your life ahead. Who knew? LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">LOL, well my T knew. He told me very early on that a divorce could be a life-transforming experience. He has said a number of times, when you get a divorce, your heart breaks.... wide open. As time passes, I am understanding more and more of what he meant.

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What I really like about him is that when I am angry at him, he doesn't get defensive. He listens to what I have to say and responds. No anger in return. Just an open desire to understand.

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Ahh... how great this must have been. Totally different than the typical exchange with a VB H.

No I don't think it will take a year and half to establish this with others. You likely spent much of this time just digging out of the foxhole you had to create to survive your marriage. Now that this relationship is ending and you have experienced what a two-way communication is like, you will be more receptive to sharing yourself with others who deserve it. You will get more efficient. At least this is what I am hoping for myself.

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T likes something of mine well enough to share with someone he loves

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Hey Sunny, this is how I felt when t shared the story with me about his wife and daughter. He cares enough about me to share an intimate story about people he loves.

Sorry to hear about the impending job loss. Maybe your T could be a job coach too!

Peace

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really, the whole interchange only took a couple of minutes, then on we went to something else. I find it amazing I could express my hurt and anger, we could deal with it, and then move on, just as if this is as common an occurrence as the sun rising. It was as if I do this all the time and it is easy and normal. This is sunny? Does it take a year and a half of bonding with someone and developing trust to be able to easily tell them you are hurt and angry? I don't know, but I am happy to have this, at least for a short while, with one person in my life.

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Yes, I think it does take the time and bonding and trust... and the knowledge and feeling that it's safe... to be able to do what you did with your anger: let it be seen and heard. Even though this was small in terms of time spent in session, I think it's tremendous growth for you.

I'm so sorry you will be losing your job; may this be a great opportunity in disguise

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chaotic13 said:
No I don't think it will take a year and half to establish this with others. You likely spent much of this time just digging out of the foxhole you had to create to survive your marriage. Now that this relationship is ending and you have experienced what a two-way communication is like, you will be more receptive to sharing yourself with others who deserve it. You will get more efficient.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I really really liked this, chaotic13. It's a very hopeful view, and I like the foxhole analogy. You are right, yes, I have been digging myself out. God, sometimes my arms get so tired. The dirt can be heavy. When it rains, it's mud. Yuck.

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Sorry to hear about the impending job loss. Maybe your T could be a job coach too!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thank you, MissCharlotte. I am trying not to think of the job problem now, as I have to get through this all-consuming assignment at work right now. My boss will lose her job too. I keep telling her, we have to get through this, just ignore the job problem, and when we are done, you can be depressed and worry about the future. I'm not sure that is very helpful, but I really need her now to not give up so that we can get this task done. Miss, I already have a separate career counselor. [/rollseyes] As part of my divorce. I went to see her 3 times last year and one time earlier this year. This last time I was so stressed out, I couldn't work with her, so I haven't been back. But I may need to in the future.

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I'm so sorry you will be losing your job; may this be a great opportunity in disguise

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thank you, ECHOES. Again, a very hopeful statement. It is really nice how people here reframe things for you!