[musinglizzy]

I know this has been brought up before...but I just want to ask again... is it unreasonable for me to want T's phone to NOT be involved in my sessions? Every session, my T's cell phone is on a table right next to her. MOST sessions, I hear at least one notification tone. Often enough, when a notification goes off, she eventually checks it. Usually just peering in that direction nonchalantly. She doesn't usually respond, but she does often check the text. It drives me NUTS! So you can guess, whenever her phone dings, I get a bit of a negative feeling. I've brought it up to her before. Yesterday's session, I just walked in, hadn't even sat down yet, and her phone dinged. She said something like "I just have to write my daughter back quick" or something like that... during the session, it dinged several times. Once, not right at the beginning, she said if her daughter calls, she will need to answer it.

It's not about this one particular day. It's the fact that that phone poses a threat during most of my sessions, I never know when it's going to go off, or when she'll have to respond to a text after she reads it. I can understand emergency circumstances occasionally. But her daughter is almost 18 years old and understands, I'm sure, that her mom is in sessions, and knows those sessions go till 10 minutes to the hour, so her best bet is to contact her then.

Is it unreasonable for me to WANT my T's phone to be on silent during my sessions? I not only put mine on silent, but I put it on airplane mode so NOTHING goes through. I get 50 minutes of my T's time on session days, and shouldn't I be able to have that 50 minutes, when she gets paid like $175 for it? It's not just about the phone dinging. It's about my belief that she may have other things on her mind than me during that 50 minutes. Is that selfish? I have spoken to my other T about it, who says it's not right, and that I should ask her to silence her phone during sessions. Really, should I NEED to ask? My T has been a psychologist for like 25 years, you'd think she would know better. Any other T I've ever seen never had their phone anywhere in sight during sessions. I only heard one of theirs go off once, and she was very apologetic for that, and just silenced it, without reading the text. She forgot to silence it during our session.

Anyway, my T ended up accusing me of there being a shift in our session that occurred when she checked her phone, and she considered it a "small thing," and I got horribly upset. Cried my eyes out the rest of the session, and the whole way home. T knows I'm extremely sensitive and vulnerable right now, and think she could have been a bit more understanding.

Am I being childish for feeling I need to compete with a stinking cell phone during my sessions???

ETA... during the session I got quiet, so she then started yawning, and then grabbed her nail file and started filing her nails during my session. At the end, she picked up her laptop, and started typing away on it. That was my cue to leave.

[Elio]

Wow that sounds awful. It is completely reasonable that you have her undivided and focused attention. You are paying her for that service and you are competing with a cell phone for her attention during your sessions.

It does appear that you will have to ask her even though she has been practicing for 25 yrs. Boundaries go both ways in these relationships.

[atisketatasket]

You've discussed this with her before, you say. So at this point she is just yanking your chain. She is deliberately disrespecting you. It's part of the abusive behavior this therapist has displayed towards you for a while now (she took away touch, right?).

Me, I would probably reach over, grab the phone, and hold on to it for the rest of the session. She tries to get it back, tell her you'll report her to the licensing board for physically attacking a patient. Not saying this is the best solution...

The best solution is to leave her. How is that process going?

[Merecat]

Nope, she shouldn't have her phone in session at all - I honestly can't think of anything so important that would merit a therapist using their phone during session. If there is something they need to attend to, they need to go and do it. For me it's utterly unacceptable for her phone to be in and for her to reply.

Can you tell her you don't want her phone on during sessions? By that I mean no ifs, buts or maybe'S just that she turns it off and gives you her 100% undivided attention? It's just so rude, I wouldn't sit with a friend who kept checking their phone over coffee me ch less my therapist.

[growlycat]

Your t sounds awfully narcissistic. Of course her interruptions would be hurtful. How can she not see that? I think you have been more than reasonable. If I ever had a t yawn and break out the nail file I would fire them in a hot minute.

[Gettingitsoon]

So sorry you're going through this!

I would not tolerate the phone, the yawning, the nail file or the laptop.
What a rude, hurtful woman.

[Pennster]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this person! She sounds very unhealthy.

The yawning and the nail filing are even slightly more egregious than the phone thing to me, because it is more personally aimed at you. That is so disrespectful. It feels like she doesn't even understand what her job is.

My T and pdoc sometimes answer phones during session, but therapy is.. different.. in my country. Whereas in the US it appears to be "you pay the T so you're the boss", in my country it's "the T allows you to come so T is the boss".

I understand this feels disrespectful. Ideally (by ideally, I mean what I would like to see, but would never happen in my country, but would/should probably be realistic in the US) the T would say at the beginning of the session, "My daughter is ill so if she calls or texts I need to answer" or something. And filing her nails? That feels really disinterested.

Originally Posted by Pennster

I am so sorry you have to deal with this person! She sounds very unhealthy.

The yawning and the nail filing are even slightly more egregious than the phone thing to me, because it is more personally aimed at you. That is so disrespectful. It feels like she doesn't even understand what her job is.

That was my thought. Why would you continue to see a therapist who treats you with this level of disrespect? These behaviors are condescending and insulting. You have several therapists. Why continue to expose yourself to this one if she is this unprofessional?

[Merecat]

I didn't see the part about the nail file - I wouldn't have paid her for the session and wouldn't go back. Instead of "is this ok?" a more pertinent question might be why you allow people to treat you so badly?

[ADeepSandbox]

Good lord. That's absolutely unacceptable behavior from a professional. What are you going to do about it? Personally I would confront her and dump her on the spot as well as report her to her boss if she has one. I wouldn't want her to possibly get away with treating others like that too. If she has been doing this for 25 years, she sounds incredibly burned out and ought to get a new career.

the t accused YOU of there being a shift in your session, when it was HER cell phone that caused it? That's just deplorable. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I only see my t's phone when she goes and gets it when I need to pay with my HSA card in her square reader thingy. It's never out during a session (I don't pay her until at the end). I don't think you're being childish at all wanting the full attention from her. That you are paying for, for heaven's sake. That's part of what we are paying for - for the t to be present with us during that 50 minutes. And the nail file thing? For the love of Pete! I would probably say in a snooty voice "Gee I'm sorry I'm boring you" and get up and walk out without paying. I cannot fathom my t acting that way. Sending you safe hugs and I hope you can find a way to get away from this t.

I suppose it depends on the nature of the phonecalls.

My psychiatrist operates out of the hospital. He is on call. The psychiatrist that was conducting my CBT program is a forensic psychiatrist and is on call for emergencies too.

However... both have explained to me why they have their phones turned on and why it may be neccessary to respond.

[LonesomeTonight]

My T keeps her phone off and in her purse during sessions. Marriage counselor, as I've discussed before, has his in his pocket with the sound on. He generally gets at least one text and/or phone call per session, and he says he "just has to look at the number." Which I find to be distressing as well. A few times, he's said he has to look "Because he has an emergency brewing." And then anytime he looks at his phone in those sessions, I'm expecting him to have to leave. He's also answered the phone twice, both fairly recently, when the same number called twice in a row (he said it was his family's signal for an emergency, but I believe at least one was a client).

I know his wife has serious health issues, plus he has two teenage kids, so I get why he'd have to look to see if it's one of them (or his wife's health worker) calling. A few months ago, I brought up the fact that his looking at his phone bothered me--I think it was after he answered the call. I said that I would understand if it was family, because that's a priority. But if it was another client, that bothered me, because it was like he was putting that client above me and H while we were sitting right in his office. He said part of why he had to check is that he works with some high-risk teens, including consulting on some cases around the country, so it could be one of those (and he wouldn't recognize those numbers).

I was hoping that he'd change how he handled the phone after that, at least on days that there wasn't "an emergency brewing," but he hasn't. I think he got like 5 texts during our last session, which was a particularly sensitive conversation at points. He said that one of them was just his daughter saying what time her band practice was. It seems to me that he could maybe at least tell family members/friends NOT to text him with non-emergency stuff while he's in session. Like e-mail him, or leave him an office voicemail or something. But I'd feel weird suggesting that.

As a client, I try hard to avoid texting him when I think he could possibly be in session (he has odd hours some days) and would only call his office phone during work hours, since he does have that on DND, so I can leave a message without potentially disrupting another client's session. It would be nice if other clients did the same, but I doubt he'd ever tell them that. I know he tries to be there for everyone when they need it, which I appreciate in some ways. Like, I guess if I was in a really horrible place

Possible trigger:

like standing on a ledge, thinking about jumping, that level of bad place

, then it's good to know he'd answer the phone (and to call twice), even if he's in session. (While I don't know if my T checks messages/texts between clients, so not sure how long it would take to reach her.) But I still think knowing that isn't quite worth the feeling I get every session when he glances at his phone. Because it interrupts the flow of the session and takes his mind off whatever we're talking about, even if only for a few seconds.

So, MusingLizzy, I definitely get it. The yawning part wouldn't bother me, because sometimes people end up yawning *because* they're listening intently and aren't breathing deeply enough. Or could just be tired. MC has certainly yawned during session, but I'm actually not sure that T ever has (or else she's been really good at hiding it). But the nail filing? Neither have done that, and that would *definitely* bother me. And definitely the typing on her laptop. I think you should try talking to her about it again...Hugs.

She sounds like a total jerk.

It's the whole picture, though, rather than the fact she looks at her phone.

My therapist looks at texts in sessions if the sound goes off. I figure-if he allows me to text, and other clients, then he has to look at them. If he is booked back to back, when would he get to see them? I'd rather him look at texts in my session than disallow it.

I do shut the sound off on my phone during sessions though. And I get a bit irritated sometimes when he looks at texts more than once during a session. But-it's something I'm willing to tolerate, as it seems to be the norm now. At work, people in meetings look at their phones the whole time and text in meetings; even important, high-level ones.

On the whole, he is professional and very focused on me during sessions, so I don't have a problem with it in general as it doesn't happen often. However, it does become a problem if goes off in the middle of working through something traumatic. It's never happened as far as I can remember, but I would be upset about if that happened, I think.

Your therapist, otoh, seems to be treating you badly, as others have pointed out. She sounds disrespectful, unprofessional, and dismissive of you. I hope you don't put up with this any longer. Also, I'd be surprised if she was competent. I don't see how a therapist could be this professional AND be competent at the same time. Possible, but not likely. If that is the case, then she is not a safe person.

(((hugs)))

ps-concerned you questioned yourself about having a problem with this behavior. Where does that come from?

Phone calls don't bother me that much either (and yawning not at all), but the nail filing and computer stuff is not okay. That's a very passive-aggressive game she's playing and it's out of line. She's messing with you, and that would be a clear enough reason for me to move on. I don't accept treatment like that from anyone, particularly someone I am paying for their attention and service.

This therapist's behavior sounds extremely selfish and narcissistic IMO also. My 1st T had his office phone on and sometimes answered it, but it did not bother me as long as they were quick calls and did not distract his attention. Yawning is something that one can hide or do discreetly, I think it's only polite during a professional meeting. But I could tolerate these if not excessive. The nail filing though... that would have a not-very-nice reaction from me for sure - how is that something one cannot delay and do privately?

If a T did these things and then blamed her disruptions on me, I would certainly tell her what I think of it and would not go back.

[kecanoe]

Don't have much to add, but to say that having a phone on during sessions would not be ok with me. One time T1 said he had to have his phone on because son might need him. I didn't really like it, but it has been just the one time in 9 years.

And getting on computer? Not ok. The yawning would not bother me, as I notice that all of my ts yawn when they get anxious. I don't interpret it as boredom.

I am sorry she treated you like that.

Yes, below is the appropriate thing to do. If her daughter has an emergency, she could state at the beginning of session-there's a family emergency and I might have to take a call from a family member.

If it's just her and her daughter coordinating shopping or plans for dinner or whatever, that is something totally different. I was thinking more of the laptop typing and nail filing you mentioned. That sort of helps paint the picture of your therapist here.

I had a therapist who was a psychiatrist, and he did this every other week. He'd tell me when I got in that he had a patient in crisis and might have to take a call. Once in a while he'd tell me in advance he had to take a text from a family member. It was never a problem.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I suppose it depends on the nature of the phonecalls.

My psychiatrist operates out of the hospital. He is on call. The psychiatrist that was conducting my CBT program is a forensic psychiatrist and is on call for emergencies too.

However... both have explained to me why they have their phones turned on and why it may be neccessary to respond.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you all.... a few things to address off the top of my head, my T IS the boss. She owns her own practice, and other Ts work under her. The yawning...that's not unusual, but she usually yawns loudly, making the sound with her voice, which CAN be controlled. The filing was obvious, she was irritated with me, and did that to show it I'm quite sure. I see two T's. This one (for two and a half years, at twice a week), and I have a second T who is somatic experiencing, and works with me through bodywork. She had me a pile of mush yesterday because she was 20 minutes late for my session. 10 minutes is common, 20, not so much. I do have my issues with her at times also.

I questioned myself perhaps because T1 has shamed me like this before, telling me basically that I overreact to "small things" like this. I'm going through so much right now....and am very vulnerable. So I was afraid maybe I was, again, being oversensitive.

Somehow I think she is testing me. I have finally gotten treatment for a bad addiction, and was only clean for two weeks....not long enough to "test" me. So with my coping mechanism taken away, it feels too early to have to test my sobriety, so to speak.

My T gets very defensive at times, especially when I "overreact" to things like this. She knows her phone going off almost every session bothers me, even if she ignores it, because oftentimes, she can't just ignore it...and tries to peer over to look at the screen. Or, she'll ask how the weather is, if it's cold outside, then she'll pick up her phone "to check the weather," but I know she's looking at something else, too. She's the only T I've had who is a psychologist. And, she's the only T I've had that does things like this, then makes ME feel guilty for being bothered by it. When I confront her, she gets defensive, and I end up feeling worse.

I did send her an Email this morning canceling my session for tomorrow. I'll just take things one day at a time for now. It's all I can do. But when I'm hurt like this, I become...paralyzed, for lack of a better word. I am not yet able to hold myself up, and I do not have support in my personal life, my therapists are all I have. I have PC, and people I can Email...but no one in my immediate life who "is there" for me.

[Rive.]

She is being rude, demeaning, and I would go as far as say cruel towards you.

A decent T would *not* treat clients like this.. I am very sorry but I think she knows she can get away with treating you this way (and that you'll 'take it'), thus she keeps pushing.

Despite telling her how you feel, not only does she still keeps the phone - like a ticking bomb - in session but dismisses your feelings as "a small thing" *then* turns the table on you. That's rich.

After all, you are paying her for her time. The least she could do is be present, even if it means being in silence. How utterly rude and dismissive to ignore you and file her nails or type away etc. This is appalling. Not only is she lacking courtesy or respect but she is being terribly unprofessional. She doesn't deserve your custom.

I questioned myself perhaps because T1 has shamed me like this before, telling me basically that I overreact to "small things" like this. I'm going through so much right now....and am very vulnerable. So I was afraid maybe I was, again, being oversensitive.

That makes a lot of sense. Well, I have similar issues about being highly sensitive and hypervigilant; on radar for rejection and abandonment. My therapist has pointed this out alot. Even though it's a common trauma pattern, it can make people feel like walking on eggshells. Maybe that is why your last therapist pointed it out. I think if they just point out negative things, it can be shaming especially if they don't connect it with a display empathy or validation; especially why you might have that pattern. The delivery can be important.

Your current therapist is triggering your issues; making it worse. At the same time, people who don't have that type of sensitivity would be upset too. So it is not you.

Sorry you are so alone in it all.

[CyclingPsych]

If the phone is close enough like next to her/him that would make me feel uncomfortable. Especially if it is face up so the therapist can "peer" over to look at the screen. My therapist has it on his desk and he sits away from it. It is on silent.

"ETA... during the session I got quiet, so she then started yawning, and then grabbed her nail file and started filing her nails during my session. At the end, she picked up her laptop, and started typing away on it. That was my cue to leave."

That sounds like a horrible therapist, I would advise to switch if you can.

First off, I know very well the vulnerability when trying to beat an addiction... it's definitely been the biggest challenge in my life, by far
I was with my first T during a relapse, someone who claimed addictions as one of his specialty. It did not come into the picture initially because I got and stayed sober on my own (and using other tools) when I started seeing him and for a good while... but then I had a relapse. He was clearly very ignorant and poorly trained in that area as I found out, and very dismissive of reactions and vulnerabilities associated with a relapse, he actually played a lot of narcissistic mind games with me in that state, trying to show me "who the boss is"... I left in the end and found someone else who did know what he was doing and was helpful, without claiming a role of authority. I would not allow a therapist to test me repeatedly and to go on an extended power trip. This T clearly plays head games with you as far as I can see from the posts and is causing you stress, it's much more than just having the phone on in case of emergencies.

[alpacalicious]

My reaction would be to take her phone and smash it on the floor
Nah, just kidding
But these are not good signs. She's not doing her work when she constantly check her phone or other things that are irrelevant. A therapist focus should be on the client (for those 40/50 minutes). Sometimes when I am in session, the T's phone rings, because she forgot to silence it. She turn it off and never reply or focus on it. She can call or text later, when I'm out of the session. She yawns sometimes, but she always try to dont open her mouth and to stay silent, not making loudly noises. These are all signs that a T respect the client, because the client is going trough hard times, so T should focus on the client, listen to it, even if the client goes quiet, the T should know to be patient, and wait. If you don't feel ok with this T, maybe try searching for others. There are very good T's out there