No contact between sessions

So, I have two Ts. The second one is a really good match for me except for one thing. She will NOT provide contact between sessions. She says her job is to help during sessions to help clients NOT need that contact, and, understandably, she says she also needs that time to take care of herself. T1, who no one here likes, allows and encourages contact between sessions, which is one of the very main reasons I keep her around. Because I'm not stable enough yet, and don't have regular people in my life (including my family and husband) who are a support to me. The only person I've ever had in my family is dying as I speak. I don't know how I will go on without him.

Anyway....I just need to get past this. I did Email her yesterday morning to tell her I was canceling our session yesterday, because I've been sick with a cold this week. In that Email, I also told her my grandfather is now coughing up blood, and will be leaving us soon. She did respond, acknowledging the cancelation, but said nothing about my grandfather. Not receiving any kind of out-of-session contact just feels SO cold to me. Especially when I share something like this. I feel so alone in the world...and now the one person who raised me, who was always a huge part of my life, is leaving this world. I wasn't asking for a thread of Emails...it just would have felt good enough having her acknowledge I said that, even just an "I'm sorry," or "I'm thinking of you." When I think about leaving T1, I wonder how/if I will be able to deal with ZERO contact between sessions. (except for scheduling purposes).

To anyone else who desires it, but T won't give it to them, how do you cope? Do you just get used to it? I guess I would be stronger if I didn't have so much going on in my life.... but I'm now at a time where I crawl into my rabbit hole and hide. Sometimes I would love to see a hand reaching in, to help me get out.

I would never ask for daily contact or anything.... and I don't call my T's at all, nor text, it would only be Email. To me, the least invasive form of communication. It just feels so cold..... I know I'm very emotional and vulnerable right now.... I wouldn't ask for it all the time, but while I'm dealing with my grandfather dying, it would be nice to know someone is thinking of me.

That feels selfish, but I've been told in therapy I need to become more selfish...so I'll let it be said.

I would find that cold, too. I'm really sorry.

I completely understand and am sorry you're going through all of this. I will keep you in my thoughts and sending hugs if you want them...

I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I agree that I'd find it cold. I've had this issue with T on occasion, where I've poured out this long e-mail, then at the end I'm like, "Our appointment is at 1 Tuesday, right?" And she's just written back something like, "Yes, 1 on Tuesday, see you then." With no acknowledgment about the rest of the e-mail. I know she reads them because she'll bring them up in session, but if she's taking the time to write back, at least one sentence about what I wrote would be nice.

I will say I didn't really have outside contact with T or marriage counselor for the first year or so, and I did OK without it (the same with a T I saw about 10 years ago). But now that I've experienced it, I think it would be very difficult for me to go without it. Even the p-doc I just started seeing allows it (don't know how much, but I did send her an e-mail with info she requested, and she responded with a fairly friendly e-mail).

Is T2 completely unwilling to compromise? Like allow you 1 e-mail per week, or to contact her if you're in crisis (or close to crisis--as my MC referred to it once, and "urgency" rather than "emergency"). Sometimes just knowing I could reach out if I had to helps, even if I don't reach out. So I'd try talking to her again about it.

My T is great, and she'll read my emails and not respond, but I think she'd always call me back if I called her. My guess is that it's less time consuming and less likely to cause a rupture if she talks to her patients directly.

I'm sorry. I would find no contact between sessions to be extremely difficult. You can't call her, either? I had a T who did not allow text or email, but I could call if necessary. That was difficult as I hate talking on the phone. I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine no contact at all. I don't know that I could work with a T like that.

I am not so much perturbed by her 'out of session contact' policy (to promote resiliency & foster independence) than by her response (or lack thereof) to your email. It wouldn't have cost her much to add a 'sorry to hear that' about your grandfather.

If contact is important for you, could you see if she might compromise at all? Or if you see her weekly(?), could you (both) squeeze a session or half-session in between?

I am sorry to read you are going through a rough time and not feeling any support..

Thanks....I really appreciate the support...I'm glad to know others feel the same way I do. As far as phone calls, I don't know. I've never called a therapist, except to leave a message canceling a session. I had been seeing her twice a week, but for the month of January, because of her schedule, I was only able to schedule one session. Perhaps that has something to do with wishing I could just shoot her a quick Email once in awhile, and actually get a few words back. I wouldn't be feeling so bad if she would have just added "sorry about your grandpa" or something....but she didn't. I just went to see him this morning, and for the first time, I realized he no longer knows who I am. I've been bawling my *** off since I got home. I understand T2 needing time for herself between sessions....but I think she's being a little harsh not even acknowledging I told her he's started coughing up blood. I rarely Email her, so it's not like I need her to set limits on me. I'm going to have a hard time living without my grandfather in my life, and really would just like some extra support right now. But then I feel too needy, or selfish, for feeling that way. I'm a newly clean addict too, so there's a lot going on for me. She is great in every other way. But during sessions. It's as if she turns herself off in between. That's hard to swallow. Especially going from seeing her twice a week to once. (and I had to cancel this week because I was sick). It hurts.

I'm sorry that you're going to lose your grandfather. I can imagine how awful it is when a loved one doesn't recognize you.

Can you use T1 for support about your impending loss, since she's still your T and she allows emails?

I would be extremely hurt if my T didn't acknowledge something like that in an email. Sometimes rules are meant to be broken. "I'm sorry "would have been sufficient." I think I missed why you can't resume twice weekly sessions if she won't bend her rule. My T told me to TRY not emailing but she didn't forbid it. I do it when I need to. I'm really sorry because your T 2 sounds so good otherwise. I'd suggest talking to her about it again. Hugs!

I do not have a relationship with either of my psychiatrists outside of sessions. If I need to communicate with them between scheduled appointments I do so via their offices. They have been good about fitting me in between appointments.

I've have made my feelings known on this board that I feel it unfair to expect my mental healthcare team to be readily available and I have voiced my opinion already that I think email and texting appaullingly inappropriate. Not only do I find this to be an invasion of their own life but I think crosses that line of a professionalism and risks the onset of transference. I am no doubt tee-ing off a great many but I feel strongly about this. It wouldn't occur to me to try to reach my pyschiatrists out of office hours. I think, I repeat, it unfair of us to expect that as a right. Be happy if you do have a professional who will offer that service but don't expect that should occur. As it says right in both of their message services - go to the ER.

That's difficult but I guess she's formed her boundaries and that's her style. How many times do you see her a week? Perhaps incorporating another day might be helpful during this time and it might hold you over until the next session.

What's wrong with onsetting transference?

About the topic. My T basically never responds to emails, unless I'm in crisis and I explicitly ask for an answer. Then he'll probably answers with a single sentence just to acknowledge my email and remind me when we meet. It has happened couple of times but I've emailed him many more times.

Recently I have rather called, mainly because he generally answers his phone if I'm calling on a reasonable time and the 5 minutes he is willing to talk to me is usually enough. Also, the calling has become easier over time, in the beginning even the thought of calling generated a lot of extra anxiety in me. Now I have the knowledge that I can trust my T and he believes me that when I do call then I do it because I really need to.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I don't have out of session contact with my T's but I know some people do ( and sometimes it seems a contentious thing ). I had more frequent sessions when I was struggling with something.

I don't have out-of-session contact with my T and this hasn't been an issue. I do know what it's like, though, to leave a session feeling profoundly alone with your problems. There's something about the juxtaposition of total support in session to no support outside of it that serves to throw one's "alone-ness" into relief. It's a truly awful feeling.

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. For me, it just sort of got better, slowly but surely, over time. I don't know what the answer is. Best of luck with everything.

I would not find it cold, but I would keep interviewing new therapists until I found one that worked how I wanted

I'm so sorry about your grandpa, what an awful situation to be in and yes, I think she could have acknowledged that in her reply and in all honestly I'd ask her why she didn't and tell her how cold and disrespectful it felt.

I say that as someone who really struggles with out of session contact and thinks that your T1 set you up by fostering dependency early on in your relationship which keeps you stuck (and her getting paid for 2 sessions a week). I have very limited out of session contact with my T, mostly for scheduling but I have very occasionally contacted her when I've been in crisis and once recently following a close bereavement. She alway responds quickly, acknowledging the emotional content of what I've sent and either offering a session or reminding me of when I'm seeing her next. Sometimes I wish she would be filler in her response but I know she's holding her boundary and can't be available all the time. But if I really need her, she's there and makes time to see me.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's a middle way, it's fine and right for her to have clear boundaries and she may be wary of offering more support because of how things have been with T1 but that was a pretty cold response.

I do not expect my T(s) to be available to me 24/7. But since they at one time allowed it, and one still does, it's nice to get acknowledgment if sharing something like this. I don't expect a reply within minutes or hours....and during a business day would be fine, when they are in the office. I would not expect a T to take time from their family, during their personal time, to touch base with me. Office hours are just fine. If you Email anyone else in any other line of work, even my family doctor, they typically get back to me during business hours. Maybe not that same day, but eventually.

As far as T1 goes, well, I didn't include this, but I Emailed her as well, telling her of the recent developments surrounding my grandpa's health, and she, too, did not respond to that Email. In fact, I had a session with her this afternoon, and somehow it came up, about support, etc.... and I mentioned that Email, and how she did not respond, and then told her T2 didn't either. She didn't say I'm sorry, or anything like that, she just said something like "it must have felt bad that neither one of us responded to that information. Um, yeah. Heartbreaking, actually, since my T's know I don't have much support outside of therapy right now. But not for lack of trying. Honestly, my T's make me feel even worse sometimes. Both of them. But T2 is just amazing in session.... it's just that I haven't had one in over a week. I'm just falling apart inside...and have a really hard time reaching out...because reaching out to my Ts, who I'm supposed to feel safe with, make me feel bad for doing it. I have really been trying to not contact T1 between sessions, just to get used to not having it...but then something big will come up, that leaves me in a place where I want to reach out...or need to. I dunno. The loss of this man will be the biggest loss I've ever had to deal with. And I've dealt with a lot. So I'm really messed up right now, and can't play these therapy games.

Like I said, I DO totally agree that Ts need their own time, but it's not like I'm texting her or sending her an Email to her private Email. It's her business one. And I know they both have times during their day that they devote to stuff like that.

I dealt with it by leaving therapy. I have no desire to pay someone an inordinate amount of money to pretend to care for an hour, only to make it abundantly clear with every action that they do not, in fact, care at all.

Their field seems to mostly entail trapping vulnerable people into a pseudo relationship which, not unlike a drug, involves them doing their very best to create a heady dopamine release for the hour (which they do through enacting various empathetic, caring cues which cause the client's brain to release all sorts of bonding hormones), and leaving the client looking for the next fix.

Like a drug, therapists are expensive, and the 'service' they provide seems largely designed to create life-long 'users'. Ideally the user would be relatively content between 'hits' taken of the therapy pipe, developing cravings which are manageable between sessions, but as with physical drugs, some people become very dependent very quickly and require more frequent doses if they are not to experience painful withdrawal.

Everything I personally experienced in therapy, and everything I have read since then brings me to the conclusion that therapy is nothing more than a socially acceptable addiction, with all the costs, pitfalls and life stealing side effects that any other addiction entails.

Sounds like your second therapist would like you to manage your addiction more conveniently for her. She's keeping you on a low maintenance dose of therapy. Your first is better at providing more frequent doses, but as with any addiction, the more frequent the use, the more painful the side effects. So it's not surprising that the first therapist causes more pain. She is the more powerful drug. That explains both the craving and inability to 'quit'.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Sending good vibes your way.
I usually feel compelled to email my T post session to muse about session. We came to an agreemet that she'll acknowledge my email, but won't respond at length. She will respond more in depth when I'm teetering on the edge of crisis.
Maybe it would help if you both can agree on something like that-she acknowledges your email, and you adjust your expectations (adjusts sounds like a terrible word), does this make sense?

I'm so sorry about your dear grandfather.

Your therapist was rigid and unprofessional. I actually don't think she would meet 'the standard of care'. It's just not right.

Rainbow said it well-some rules are to be broken. Someone who doesn't make an exception for this has got to have some rock hard rigid boundaries that cause serious dysfunction.

She reminds me of one of those people who will walk past a person being beat to death in the middle of the street--but does nothing and pretends like nothing is happening. I understand if people are paralyzed by fear at the thought of physicially intervening, though I would, but they can still scream, call 911, attract attention, incite others to gang up on the perp....Yet-they walk by. Yes, that's what she reminds me of. It makes me angry to think of her.

Is this the one who paints her nails, starts typing on her laptap, and takes calls during your sessions? Sorry if I have that mixed up. But this sounds like one and the same person.

I'm sorry.

No, not feeling mad about what you said here, but it seems like a different world from the one I live in (in the U.S.). I spoke with my rheumatologist on the phone for 15 minutes today, after regular work hours, by his choice.

Another specialist recently gave me a free appointment since he was unable to answer all my questions and concerns in an email I sent him as a follow up to a prior appointment. He actually came in to see me when he was scheduled to be off. (yes i felt guilty at accepting his offer but when his staff told me he did that for someone else before, too, i was ok with it)

Not so much at this health system;here and there, but the last health system I frequented, each and every specialist provided me with a copy of their business card, with sincere requests for me to call or email if I have any questions or concerns. Very genuine and encouraging invites for dialogue.

My psychiatrist texted me late at night sometimes, his choice. And we used texts to keep in touch here and there.

But I have to say-your saying it is an invasion in their life makes it about your stuff, not theirs. Don't you see that? As how do you know if they feel it is an invasion in their life, or are you only talking about the few you see, who you know would feel invaded? Some think the opposite-that it enriches their life (i.e. offering patient-centered care). So hopefully you just mean your individual therapists and psychiatrists.

I think therapists and psychiatrists who present themselves as professionals providing a treatment offer the same. If they don't, it's difficult for me to see them as a professional; it dilutes their credibility. And I don't mean 24 hour access.

Sending someone to the ER for a non-emergency is a waste of precious resources and might even be consdered fraudulent to the insurer. Plus someone who really needed the bed could die while waiting to be seen, in line behind those that don't need to be there as they are hurting or feeling unstablized after their therapy session.

Just another perspective.

I think you just described decades of my life...

Sadly, I do agree.

I've had to go cold-turkey to shake the addictive nature of therapy. It's an addiction on par to alcohol or illegal drugs.

I think this is a sweeping generalization.

I would never contact my psychiatrist outside of session due to the specialized medical services I receive, but my therapist encourages it and adjusts her fees accordingly. I wouldn't pay upwards of $200 an hour for glorified 'sitting and listening' unless there was some type of allowance for contact out of session and extra support.

Thanks all. I spoke with T about it on Friday...found the courage thanks to this post. Didn't get anywhere, but I was at least able to tell her of my thoughts and feelings about it, which is a step in the right direction. I typically have a hard time talking to Ts about issues I have with them. T1 always says it isn't about her, it's about me...and I'm making it too much about her. Who knows...

My T is very confusing in this. In fact I just sent an email. He says I can write, but he only responds to scheduling confirmations. He even said last session to write "sooner rather than later" when I'm upset, so I did, and I got no helpful response. It hurts more when I try to reach out. I find it better when I don't try.