this won't be a good session tonight

I can feel it. T called me back last night but on my work phone close to 7:00pm. Now, he knows that I am not at work this late. He has my cell number and that is usually the number he calls.

Did I have to say the words 'yes, call my work number which is only good until 5:00"?

When he wants to get a hold of me, he knows how. He never intended to get a hold of me. He wasn't real nice on the voice mail either.

I left him a message this morning and basically said forget it. It's not that important anymore see you tonight.

How can he do this to me knowing how last session went? Am I expected to just feel stuff only when I have an appointment? I'm sorry, pain doesn't work that way.

I will never ever call again like this. I know that I am not his top priority and he has many other things going on.

I don't feel I am being self absorbed here. I need to stay away from this topic tonight. I'm way too upset.

Almeda I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to expect a certain response and how let down you can feel when you get something very, very far away from that?

What did he say on the voicemail, if you don't mind me asking. Or was it is tone that upset you?

I'll be thinking of you... Good luck at your session tonight. Be honest with him, say the things you said here... tell him how much you hated that message. Tell him you never, ever want to call again. I do that after I get a not-so-good message from my T... it helps to put us back on the same page. A lot of times he'll say, "You're right. I wasn't empathic at all. Why wouldn't you be pissed off at me right now?"

Ooops, I just realized that you wrote you want to stay off this topic with him tonight. Well, I'm not sure that you can... don't you think it will affect your interactions with him? It's best to get it out in the open. Good luck.

You're right Pink. I have gone from angry to now completely falling apart and crying at my desk. This is a new job and I don't want them to see me this way.

I have shut my door. Deep down, I am not mad at him, I love how he is being there for me. I'll try to tell him something tonight but I'm afraid I'll fall apart.

I will not be mean to him, he has done too much to try and help me.

His voice mail wasn't that bad, he just didn't say 'I hope everything is okay'...or something like that.

My T isn't your T. He won't respond like yours does. I wish he would sometimes. Sometimes I don't have the coping mechanism to handle this myself.

After last session, I should've asked him if we could talk before this week. I was so overwhelmed, I just kind of left.

Isn't it okay to need more sometimes? It is so hard for me to ask him for anything and when I do, it turns out like this for me.

Thanks for responding and I hope I haven't triggered you any.

Hey almeda. . .

Can you write down how you're feeling now, and how you felt when you got his message? Also, put the question in there about why he called your work - that needs to be ironed out pronto. I'd have a quacking duck if my T called and left a message on my voice mail. Besides, this is business, so what can he possibly say on my work VM that is *connected.*

I know you needed something (though I don't know what) that he didn't provide. Unfortunately, if you don't tell him what you needed, he can't begin to make it right in any way. Talk to him. If you can't say the words, write it down. Let him know you don't want to be made light of.

You know he's been there before. You know he's been good before. This was a bad experience. Learn from it. Move on. The both of you.

((((hugs))) Please don't go with that in your mind (it won't be a good session.) Go with, I'm going to get something out of tonight's session!

Ts are usually very careful about what they say on a voice mail, they don't wish to compromise you in case someone else hears it. They still care, though, most of them. If not, a T wouldn't bother to call you.

You appear to be working through this, and what you wish you had done, and that might help you remember the next time, so it's better. This is all part of therapy too (((hugs))) imo.

Give your T the benefit of the doubt, but surely discuss it with him... he needs the feedback to better help you cope all the time.

Well you are all right. I should have just relaxed a bit. I did tell him what has been happening and he is going to try to fit me in twice next week.

He didn't get my first message because his office manager didn't recognize my voice (it was way too early in the morning for me). I'm sure I was whispering...

Anyway, he was funny explaining how he played the message over and over listening for a name he never got. T did call back so that is enough for me.

I mentioned my follow up appt. with my p-doc. I thought she would've called him because I was clearly losing it. Well, she didn't so that is good. I don't usually say much to her so when I started with all the 'can I be an unfit mom if I'm over-scheduled" routine, she looked concerned but I couldn't read it so there is no point in analyzing that.

We ended up having a good session. I definitely need to see him more often. I didn't get a chance to tell him tonight that I'm getting some impulsive urges and have already done some shopping and some other things are brewing...

I also meant to ask him if I can contact him some other way when I have moments like that. I don't always feel comfortable telling the office manager exactly why I want to talk to T.

There must be another way to do this. I wouldn't abuse it but I'm not sure if he does that with other clients or not.

I think I can sleep better tonight now. Thanks everyone for letting me vent once again...

almedafan, I'm so glad it worked out better than expected. ((((hugs)))) That is wonderful your T will be able to see you more than once a week during this especially difficult time for you. Hang in there.