Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

Mine is more but I eat a lot of organic foods.

Same but Poptarts are a guilty pleasure.

Theyre like therapists :teehee:

The higher dose shot is already in the works. The one I get in 2 weeks will be at the higher dose.

I have tried the alarm thing for pills, but it didn't work as I had such a fluctuating schedule there was no one set time I could put an alarm for. I have tried setting the pill bottles by my keys, so I will see them on my way out the door and take them, problem there was if I was running late I would tell my self I didn't have time to take them and would be fine just missing this "once". Then "once" would turn into an almost every day thing.

I am still on some oral meds and have trouble taking them properly, so the best option for my antipsychotic is a shot since that is the medication that helps with the psychosis (the more serious part of my illness).

Ha ha.....

If we apply Plato's Theory of Forms to therapists, what true Form do they represent? I'm guessing the quality of grackles or grackleness.

Grackles? What?

Exactly. We finally agree.
Hell may be freezing over at this very moment.

And I dislike the way pop tarts taste.
I adore fritos and try never to have them in the house because I am powerless over their greasy salty goodness.

They're loud pests too.

My therapist can't imitate car alarms quite the way the grackles do here in tx

I am pretty certain that may be the most accurate likeness of the first one I have seen. She has a grackle for her doppleganger.

Evening Couch.

I am home from CVS and doing more to file my taxes. The only thing I need to complete them and send them in is my 1099-MISC from C's dad. Hopefully it will come in the next few days.

I got a call from my eye doc today that my glasses are ready for pick up. That was fast I was just in there on Friday and was told 7-10 business days. I guess the lab was not that busy or something. Oh well, I can go pick them up tomorrow as it is early release and I am not on the bus anymore. I do still have T in the afternoon though. My brother has his appt with pdoc tomorrow hopefully he won't hear that I had an emergency appointment yesterday and tell my mom. I know HIPAA forbids this, but the receptionist might accidently mention that I was in on Monday. My brother like my pdoc though, so as long as pdoc is okay with seeing people from the same family, I am going to allow him to see him too. Maybe I am worrying over nothing.

Well, I am off to work on my taxes some more. I will check in later. It is almost midnight but I am not tired. Maybe I should take a Benedryl again. Though I don't want to rely on that.

i was outside smoking around 10 30 pm at work. a man pulls up to me in a car and asks me directions to a certain bank. i notice his cup holder by his door near his steering wheel... there was a tall boy of yuengling in it!!! wtf??? at least try to hide it.

Can you tell your t JDna? Has it being going on or recent relapse? He can help pull you back.

i dont know. he seems to get upset over it. im sure he notices that im losing weight, hes probably just ignoring it because i told him to a few months ago , when i got really upset about that discussion. i want to stop but i dont. so theres ambivalence, which makes me wonder if i should even bring it up, cause im not sure if i will actually stop

He may take it as a positive sign that you came to him with this. I really think you and your t are so good together even through the rough spots.

Thank you! I agree with you. Fist punching through things is never a good thing. My H has a history of that. It hasn't happened in a while and I am so thankful. It's very scary when that happens. Truly!!

I want to say more but I'm not in a good place. I truly feel your heart with your counselors response. I've felt that myself in a different way.

Well, it is almost 12:30am, I should probably get to bed. Here's hoping for a restful night's sleep. Night couch.

He's beautiful and scary at the same time.

No, it sounds too low.

Yeah means i super splurged on lunch at mcdonalds today.

Got a speeding ticket once for driving 58km/h instead of 50. I was having a panic attack while driving back then and probably looked like crap. I was worried for days that they'd take away my license because I drove "irresponsibly". They only billed 40$, but ever since then I refrain from driving, so basically they could have taken my license away anyway...

DNA - Tell your T. He probably has noticed it anyway and is waiting for you to bring it up. I'm sure that "do want to stop but don't" is quite common in therapy, so...

If you're going to wake up at 4 am, you might as well catalog every ache you have, and worry incessantly about how many years it has been since you've had proper medical treatment and all the things that might possibly be wrong with you.

Sent this on impulse to T in a fit of bitterness ugh because I'm being discharged from hospital outpatient psychiatric care by my psychiatrist to community mental health by a GP:

"Antidepressants unfortunately aren't happy pills. They put a floor below emotions so they don't crash so low. Antipsychotics quieten my thoughts, make them loop less with less frantic urgency. But they aren't happy pills either, unfortunately.

I know how to self soothe better now yea, and that self compassion does help even when I don't feel deserving. I'll be OK of course, I always am OK. So OK, so stable and so functional. So tired. Not that it matters. Can't wipe the dumbass smile and upbeat mode off in front of doctors. Doesn't matter as long as I can cope at work anyway to them. Doesn't matter even when I say that's the only thing I'm OK at."

I know I'm horrible for this but sometimes I bloody wish I was like many of the people I meet in offline support groups. Those who've obviously impairing symptoms, unable to work full time, those with more severe SH...

I rarely go because I know I'm horrible for my envy. I'm not better than them just because I hold down a full time white collar job I know. I'm well aware of my privileges of being average looking, decently well educated, in a unionised job, my race etc. I've met my share of people in those groups who envy me. One person with impulse control issues said she's jealous of my social anxiety (because I'm inhibited while she's explosive) and that I've held down a steady job. (BTW it's so infuriating how vocational help for persons with psychiatric disorders in my country tends to be really hard and demanding work with really low pay like retail, cleaning, customer service...

I've only met one other person offline who gets the pressure of appearing highly functioning at work - he's a manager and copes in silent, "unhealthy"ways like I do.

Every day I'm grateful that I can work full time and earn enough for a decent life. I just wish my doctors wouldn't just focus on my functioning at work when I'm SO not functioning outside it. Sure I work yea great but I struggle to shower regularly, eat regularly, brush my teeth regularly... If I didn't live with my family where we split chores, I'd have piles of unironed and unwashed clothes. If my city wasn't so affordable for me to eat lunch and dinner out, I wouldn't be able to cook to feed myself since I'd get barked at for even trying to learn by my family.

Yea, and some people I've met have expressed envy that I've a supportive partner though we are LDR. I'm truly grateful for my partner, truly but I wish people will understand that LDR has its own challenges. I get why they envy me though, as they've unsupportive family like me and are single and desire to not be single. I just feel I'm a big strain on my partner.

Sorry for the rant. I really hope my T will understand.