[20oney]

I think I've been seeing this psychologist for 6 months or so. She is great, and has managed to get further through the walls than anyone before. But some weeks, wow. Sometimes I'll go in, and barely open up at all, all the defences will come out and we wont really get anywhere.

Today, the guard came down a little. I really tried and I really felt every word that came out of my mouth. It felt, comfortingly terrifying. I know that I could have a full blown meltdown with her, and it'd be the safest place possible. But, if we touch on something that even remotely gives me a sense of emotional pain, I instantly retreat behind the walls. It was a constant battle for about 30 minutes of the session today, I felt like it was okay and it wasn't until she pointed out that I was talking more than usual that it actually occurred to me.

The second half of the session was as they normally are though, she did a lot of talking, suggestions of what we can try now that everything else seems to fail at giving me any relief from this depression. We sort of formed a bit of a new angle.

I just want to sit in there and not be allowed to leave until she knocks every brick out if the wall. Until I am better. I don't want to go out and try new angles. This is probably half my problem. But part the reason that I go to therapy is to avoid having to tell anyone in the real world how i'm feeling..

I dunno, this session has just left me feeling a little extra low.

I don't understand therapy. It's a weekly / fortnightly / monthly thing, we go, we sit with someone for an hour and that's it. Then we go back out into the world and its all just the same? Then we sit here and just feel completely hopeless and helpless until the next session.

Is this what it is? Is this how everyone walks out? What do people do to actually make it to the next session?

I hate this

[kecanoe]

I hate the feeling that I am just hanging on by a thread until the next session. And I have certainly felt that way a lot. And I get what you said about not wanting to tell the people in real life about what you are feeling. For me the goal seems to be getting stable/deactivated to the point where I would actually consider telling the people in my life how I feel, and also to be ok with sharing feelings once they get less intense. And the only reason I have stuck it out is because I had no other option. I could not go on the way that I was feeling, and meds didn't work.

Not much of an answer, is it?

[captgut]

Sometimes i need therapy after theraphy too
Well... I have at least one happy hour a week (or two weeks). It's better than nothing. It's very difficult so survive all the other hours, sometimes it seems to be impossible.

Therapy for me - it's like a break, like a small safety island.

Can theraphy teach me how to survive without it? I don't think so. So, as you told, I'll just sit with my t for an hour and that's it. Sometimes i think it's rather "friendly talk" than therapy, and my T told that once too.

Maybe it's not good, idk, but i'm ok.

[growlycat]

When I first started therapy a verrry loooonnnng time ago, every session was so painful because I felt like 50 minutes once a week was never enough. After awhile it changed somehow, that the consistency of seeing someone once a week was enough. I had to go through a lot of t ruptures and repairs to get there. I think I'm getting there. I was able to say goodbye to a t I liked and start over with a new one when I moved. For me that is an improvement. For me I thought I would die if I ever had to stop seeing t1. I still need therapy but the painful urgency isn't there all of the time just sometimes

These changes happen and won't even realize when they happen. Keep telling your t how you feel.

[captgut]

I remember a time when seeing t once a week was more than enough..

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by 20oney

I think I've been seeing this psychologist for 6 months or so. She is great, and has managed to get further through the walls than anyone before. But some weeks, wow. Sometimes I'll go in, and barely open up at all, all the defences will come out and we wont really get anywhere.

Today, the guard came down a little. I really tried and I really felt every word that came out of my mouth. It felt, comfortingly terrifying. I know that I could have a full blown meltdown with her, and it'd be the safest place possible. But, if we touch on something that even remotely gives me a sense of emotional pain, I instantly retreat behind the walls. It was a constant battle for about 30 minutes of the session today, I felt like it was okay and it wasn't until she pointed out that I was talking more than usual that it actually occurred to me.

The second half of the session was as they normally are though, she did a lot of talking, suggestions of what we can try now that everything else seems to fail at giving me any relief from this depression. We sort of formed a bit of a new angle.

I just want to sit in there and not be allowed to leave until she knocks every brick out if the wall. Until I am better. I don't want to go out and try new angles. This is probably half my problem. But part the reason that I go to therapy is to avoid having to tell anyone in the real world how i'm feeling..

I dunno, this session has just left me feeling a little extra low.

I don't understand therapy. It's a weekly / fortnightly / monthly thing, we go, we sit with someone for an hour and that's it. Then we go back out into the world and its all just the same? Then we sit here and just feel completely hopeless and helpless until the next session.

Is this what it is? Is this how everyone walks out? What do people do to actually make it to the next session?

I hate this

It sounds like you're making progress, actually. And it's only been 6 months, which probably seems like a long time, but it can often take at least that amount of time to form enough trust and connection with your T to really open up.

It also seems like it gets worse/more painful before it gets better. And there have been a few periods like that for me within my therapy (and marriage counseling) over the past few years. Where it's like I'm dealing with all this painful stuff, and I'm like, "Why am I putting myself through this?" And then, bam, there's a breakthrough and progress. Like where I better understand something about myself and how to deal with it.

I definitely know what you mean about often feeling you need therapy after your session. Does your T allow out-of-session, like e-mails or texts? I've found that can help, to get the thoughts out (even if your T doesn't really respond). Or to type or write it up after the session, even if you don't show your T. Or to post on here.

Hang in there...and tell your T about these feelings.

Save

[20oney]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I hate the feeling that I am just hanging on by a thread until the next session. And I have certainly felt that way a lot. And I get what you said about not wanting to tell the people in real life about what you are feeling. For me the goal seems to be getting stable/deactivated to the point where I would actually consider telling the people in my life how I feel, and also to be ok with sharing feelings once they get less intense. And the only reason I have stuck it out is because I had no other option. I could not go on the way that I was feeling, and meds didn't work.

Not much of an answer, is it?

I know what you mean, the thought of even considering telling / sharing with the people in my life, well I can't even form that thought in my mind. But yeah, the only reason I keep it up is that I have no other option too! It is damn frustrating at the best of times

[20oney]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It sounds like you're making progress, actually. And it's only been 6 months, which probably seems like a long time, but it can often take at least that amount of time to form enough trust and connection with your T to really open up.

It also seems like it gets worse/more painful before it gets better. And there have been a few periods like that for me within my therapy (and marriage counseling) over the past few years. Where it's like I'm dealing with all this painful stuff, and I'm like, "Why am I putting myself through this?" And then, bam, there's a breakthrough and progress. Like where I better understand something about myself and how to deal with it.

I definitely know what you mean about often feeling you need therapy after your session. Does your T allow out-of-session, like e-mails or texts? I've found that can help, to get the thoughts out (even if your T doesn't really respond). Or to type or write it up after the session, even if you don't show your T. Or to post on here.

Hang in there...and tell your T about these feelings.

Save

Yeah, progress I'm not too sure about, I seem to be endlessly stuck in this zone. I saw the last T for 12 months, and that was a total flop lol, so here's hoping this one actually works out.. Which I think it will, I believe that this one has the chance at getting through to me a bit at least, but I prove to be rather treatment resistant which is not ideal. I hope that I can reach a break through period as you have.

The T is ok with out of session contact, but I am not. I try to be, and I do use it. But it'll often take me a couple of days to write and send anything. Then the waiting period comes back stronger and I go a little deeper into that helpless alone kind of feeling.. So it's a bit iffy.. But i've started using this forum a bit more to spit some stuff up, so thats a positive I guess!

Is your therapist giving you skills to work on so that you can improve? (I'm asking as the end of your post makes it sound like this isn't happening.)

If your therapist isn't giving you skills, its time to move on and find a therapist who will help you with skill building. Just talking doesn't do much of anything beyond the initial relief of unburdening.

[20oney]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

Is your therapist giving you skills to work on so that you can improve? (I'm asking as the end of your post makes it sound like this isn't happening.)

If your therapist isn't giving you skills, its time to move on and find a therapist who will help you with skill building. Just talking doesn't do much of anything beyond the initial relief of unburdening.

T is giving me things to work on. I get homework and whatever else. I've tried CBT, ACT, Interpersonal, and we're currently moving on to a new approach. In comparison to the previous T, who was just happy to sit and have a chat, this one does actually try.
So I think she's a good one, I just have many a walls and defences to get past. I suppose I do make progress, its just snails pace and isn't getting me anywhere fast, but that's to be expected now

[Sarmas]

Yeah T once a week definitely not enough. It's hard to condense what I experience on a week with my past experiences in a 50 minute session. Maybe if my life was uneventful it would make sense. I will say that the 50 min in therapy a week is definitely better than no therapy at all being that you get along with your T. It's great that you are able to communicate and verbalize your thoughts in session. That's already a plus but it's a process.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

Is your therapist giving you skills to work on so that you can improve? (I'm asking as the end of your post makes it sound like this isn't happening.)

If your therapist isn't giving you skills, its time to move on and find a therapist who will help you with skill building. Just talking doesn't do much of anything beyond the initial relief of unburdening.

Over the years I have had some good ts teach me some skills that were very helpful. But this time around (and due to my diagnosis) I'm all about changing the way I exist inside. I still use those same old skills, they still work well and all that. But for me, for now, t is about changing my reactions to triggers so that I am not constantly working at keeping sane and relatively normal acting. The skills just weren't enough.