[runlola72]

I'm so angry and disgusted with myself right now. I did well for two weeks where I managed to email T only once or twice (huge improvement for me). Then this last week has been really hard and I needed a little extra support, so I emailed once more, then again, then I was out of control and emailed multiple times a day. I don't know what's wrong with me. Finally he had enough and didn't respond, and somehow the child in me took control and canceled my session for this week. My rational side snapped to it in about 1/2 hr, at which point I emailed back, apologized and asked for my slot back. He wrote back that he had given it away already. He gave me a few other options but nothing worked for my schedule. Now I'm moping and I know it serves me right for being impulsive, but I just feel so sad that I am such a mess and that I probably drive him crazy. I'm embarrassed that I am so needy. I have some serious attachment issues that have really come to the surface with him, and it's so painful. Will this stuff ever get better? I've been doing therapy with this T for about 15 months.

I think his giving your slot away was wrong.
By emailing you were clearly acting Somerby out. He could have said "this needs to be talked about in session" .
Pushing T away is all part of attachment work.
He clearly hasn't got that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I'm so angry and disgusted with myself right now. I did well for two weeks where I managed to email T only once or twice (huge improvement for me). Then this last week has been really hard and I needed a little extra support, so I emailed once more, then again, then I was out of control and emailed multiple times a day. I don't know what's wrong with me. Finally he had enough and didn't respond, and somehow the child in me took control and canceled my session for this week. My rational side snapped to it in about 1/2 hr, at which point I emailed back, apologized and asked for my slot back. He wrote back that he had given it away already. He gave me a few other options but nothing worked for my schedule. Now I'm moping and I know it serves me right for being impulsive, but I just feel so sad that I am such a mess and that I probably drive him crazy. I'm embarrassed that I am so needy. I have some serious attachment issues that have really come to the surface with him, and it's so painful. Will this stuff ever get better? I've been doing therapy with this T for about 15 months.

I don't approve of your T giving your slot away so quickly. I would have given you a day to come to your senses.

And if you were driving me crazy, I would say that I could tell you were upset, and I know it's hard, and please write down what you were feeling and to bring it in for discussion at your next scheduled session.

[feileacan]

That's the reason why I think that giving regular slots to clients and keeping them responsible for it (no cancelling policy) is good. It eliminates the possibility to act out this way. Sure, you can come or not come if you don't feel like but it is still your time, the T is there waiting for you and you have the responsibility to pay. I understand though that in US where the insurance system makes such arrangements difficult because the insurance people probably don't understand that missing such a session is also a therapy work.

[thesnowqueen]

Sounds like you are going through a really difficult patch - go easy on yourself!

[TishaBuv]

That was a really shytty way for the professional to handle the client, IMO.

Why didn't he just cut you off from the emailing by asking you to stop emailing and see him in session? Why did he say he gave away your slot, which is surely just an excuse to get rid of you? Why couldn't he have just been honest and said in a professional way the truth then? He was quite passive/aggressive.

You are the one with MI. You are the patient. He is the doctor. I thought the first rule for the doctor is 'first do no harm'.

I'm sorry he unnecessarily made you more ill. That's the truth. This is his fault.

I hope you find a better new T.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think his giving your slot away was wrong.
By emailing you were clearly acting Somerby out. He could have said "this needs to be talked about in session" .
Pushing T away is all part of attachment work.
He clearly hasn't got that.

Agreed. The handful of times I've canceled out of emotion, my T has said something like "That's your choice. I think you need to be here, so I will be here in case you change your mind."

I would talk to you T about him/her giving your spot away. That sounds almost spiteful on their part. They will probably say it's a financial thing.

[nottrustin]

It is common practice to refill the spot when people cancel. If they had a client call for an emergency situation the may have been told the schedule was full so they couldnt be seen. Or sometimes they have a call list in case of a cancellation.

I am t's last person of the day. My time isn't the greatest but it is doable. When the person before me cancels she contacts me to come in earlier.

Yes it does suck when things like this happen....

Therapists have other clients who may be on a waiting list because they are in crisis themselves, or clients who themselves need to reschedule, etc. That is not uncommon. I know my therapist's receptionist was really good about letting me know if a spot opened up if she knew I was trying to get in sooner or trying to reschedule. So, I doubt this was passive-aggressive on his part. More likely, he took you at your word that you wanted to cancel and rather than having no client during that hour and losing that time and income, he offered that available time up to a client who was waiting.

[AnxiousGirl]

You just described what happened to me yesterday.

I had a regular session last week with T in which I was having a hard time and she noticed. When the session ended, she said twice that she wants me to come in this week (because I tend to cancel also), and I agreed.

Fast forward to last night, it was brutal on my end so I was mad at everyone and everything so what do I do? I email T saying I'm having a rough night, and I don't think Im going to come to session (my session is tomorrow). So an hour ish later I get a reply from T saying that she doesn't recommend I cancel but it's up to me blah blah blah... Told my parents Im cancelling (my family is pretty open about stuff), they got mad at me, so the whole world turns around, and I email T back saying my parents don't want me to cancel either so basically I have no choice but to show up. My T didn't give the slot away at that point either, but emailed rather quickly saying that well keep the regular session for the week...

Sent her like 4 apology emails after that and really don't want to face her tomorrow...

I personally think cancelling is cancelling and taking it literally when client cancels is good professional practice. If Ts had to guess what someone's true motives are through emails, that would probably be very inefficient in many ways. I have students who cancel meetings and other things in schedule in similar ways and what I've learned is to take it literally - they are responsible for that part and handling opportunities. I understand the arguments behind seeing it negatively, but for many people if that behavior was always considered and taken lightly, it would hinder progress. Just my opinion.

[satsuma]

I hope you can stop feeling angry and disgusted with yourself. These kinds of things are hard for some of us. I know because I have found those kind of situations really hard too. I've wanted to stop therapy when I was really upset and overwhelmed with emotion, but realised I didn't want to stop when I had calmed down again. I'm much better about that kind of thing now but it's been a gradual and bumpy journey.
Please try to be gentle with yourself and realise that this does not mean you are a bad person. It just means that you are struggling to cope. But you are doing your best and it will get easier.
I hope when you do meet with your T that they will be understanding of these difficult emotions, and perhaps you can both think of a plan for how to handle a similar situation if it happens again.

[granite1]

i see my T privately now .last week she confirmed that my time is my time and she doesnt give it away if i cancel or dont show up she will still be there . so i can just come in . but on the same page i pay her for that time if i show up or not . i does take away that concern about canceling and then wanting to keep the apt .

It's probably a phase, so I think it does get better.

Acting out is part of therapy sometimes; not ideal, but it goes with the process for many of us. It's fine also because you take responsibility, so don't beat yourself up. Therapy draws out such intense emotions that you likely were not dealing with for most of your life. Trying to adapt life to these feelings is hard and takes time!

While there is a chance he filled the slot within a half hour, it seems like your therapist was doing more behavioral control than anything. I think that can backfire for several reasons. One, it shows you can sort of control his behavior. Two, it shows you can affect him. Three, it can draw you in as part of a dyad for acting out or repetition compulsion.

My view on this might be different than others, but it comes from my interpretation of a psychoanalytic bent to things, especially in terms of remaining neutral. There was a period where I cancelled my sessions semi-frequently most as a result of primal fears/fears from a young place, then soon asked for the sessions back. He just cancelled when I asked, then subsequently gave me the session back when I asked. He didn't react, didn't punish, didn't comment; although we explored the feelings behind it as they arose. That worked for us, as the urges disappeared. In fact, they really hadn't come back.

I do think it's sort of passive aggressive of him..

Sorry you are feeling bad

[Sarmas]

I think that giving your appoint way that quickly is horrible as well. I've been in both situations where my T was concerned about me canceling and also where she just gave my appt out quickly. I know it's a horrible feeling. You would think that you're T would understand the pattern and try to work with you instead of against you. I know for me I felt "uncared for". I've never brought it up to my Ts attention when she did but perhaps you should. I know my Ts reasoning was that I was an adult and that she's not going to force me to do something that I don't want to do but I really wanted to be there. It was more acting out on my behalf. I get your situation. It does get better but it didn't for
Me until I pulled away and tried to view our relationship for what it really is due to boundaries and whatever other things it entails. It's complicated for me still but I don't email anymore.

[runlola72]

Thanks so much everyone. I want to have the energy to reply to each post but I had a super long day and can't think straight. I'll reply tomorrow morning. I feel crappy still, and really don't know if his actions were passive aggressive. I know for sure my actions were. So, I kind of feel like I deserve it. I don't know. Off to drown my sorrows in tv land before passing out. I'll write a more clear response tomorrow.

[stopdog]

I don't think you deserve it.
I used to quit all the time and the woman did not fill the appointment space with anyone else. And I don't (and never would) pay for time I don't use.

[kecanoe]

As several have said, go easy with yourself. It sounds like things got bad for you and you did the best you could. I am pretty sure it is not the first time your t has been on the receiving end of an upset client's email. And it does stink that the slot got filled so quickly. I know I have been on the "call list", which means that I get a call if there is a cancellation, but that the t's schedule is too full to accommodate me unless there is a cancellation. I have been grateful to get in when I have been on the call list: it's happened maybe 6 or so times. But each time I have really wanted to get in. Maybe that's what happened here.

I do think that if a client cancels the t is perfectly entitled to fill the slot. I think any professional would do that, and I can see that if there is someone who wants to get in, it is only fair to offer that spot.

So yeah. Be kind to yourself. There a bunches of less healthy things to do when emotions are boiling.

After I posted and came back to read other responses, I remembered a time recently when he said I might have to pay for cancelled sessions if I made a habit of it (though I already paid for sessions cancelled last minute in the past). But that was during our extreme rupture, where I almost quit.

All the other times were back when I had that really young transference. It didn't seem to phase him one bit. But also, what brought me to cancel were really odd transference reactions, that seemed infantile in nature as they had no words (pre-verbal memories). Totally different than the rupture scenerio.

I do agree it's technically fair for a therapist to cancel, but fair isn't always best or the right thing to do. I think context is important, and I question his filling the slot in a half hour. Possible, yes. And I'd get over it if he did give away my slot... But I'd be pretty upset if I found out my therapist lied. Although I can't imagine mine lying about something like that it's difficult to not to consider the scenerio.

How is your relationship otherwise? It sounds like something you can get through, though not without a lot of struggle.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think his giving your slot away was wrong.
By emailing you were clearly acting Somerby out. He could have said "this needs to be talked about in session" .
Pushing T away is all part of attachment work.
He clearly hasn't got that.

Sometimes I think he gets it, and sometimes not. This is one of the "not" times. Yes, I was acting out for sure.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't approve of your T giving your slot away so quickly. I would have given you a day to come to your senses.

And if you were driving me crazy, I would say that I could tell you were upset, and I know it's hard, and please write down what you were feeling and to bring it in for discussion at your next scheduled session.

Yeah it did seem that he filled it fast.... I guess it made me feel like there was someone who was waiting and he would rather see them, or it was an urgent situation. I do still feel like it was my fault.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by feileacan

That's the reason why I think that giving regular slots to clients and keeping them responsible for it (no cancelling policy) is good. It eliminates the possibility to act out this way. Sure, you can come or not come if you don't feel like but it is still your time, the T is there waiting for you and you have the responsibility to pay. I understand though that in US where the insurance system makes such arrangements difficult because the insurance people probably don't understand that missing such a session is also a therapy work.

I can see how that would work for some people but I think I wouldn't want that commitment. Even though I am very regular.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

That was a really shytty way for the professional to handle the client, IMO.

Why didn't he just cut you off from the emailing by asking you to stop emailing and see him in session? Why did he say he gave away your slot, which is surely just an excuse to get rid of you? Why couldn't he have just been honest and said in a professional way the truth then? He was quite passive/aggressive.

You are the one with MI. You are the patient. He is the doctor. I thought the first rule for the doctor is 'first do no harm'.

I'm sorry he unnecessarily made you more ill. That's the truth. This is his fault.

I hope you find a better new T.

He's actually a great T. But his boundaries are firm. I have done this sort of thing before and it must get old. It's probably a good wake up call for me...

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

It is common practice to refill the spot when people cancel. If they had a client call for an emergency situation the may have been told the schedule was full so they couldnt be seen. Or sometimes they have a call list in case of a cancellation.

I am t's last person of the day. My time isn't the greatest but it is doable. When the person before me cancels she contacts me to come in earlier.

Yes it does suck when things like this happen....

Yes I have been on the receiving end of this as well, and have pounced on open slots, so... I get it. I just wish I had not been impulsive.

[runlola72]

I did a silly thing this morning. I drove by T's house at my regular appt time to see if he had a client's car in the driveway. He lives 1/2 he from me but I had been just down the road from him working in a project for school with a local organization. I schedule my days there on the same day as therapy so I save gas. So as I left the organization, it's like I was possessed and drove toward his place instead of toward my home. And yes, there was a car there. I think part of me felt so upset that I had wanted to find his driveway empty, so I could accuse him of not wanting to see me, and fabricating the story of having given away my spot... and then I could quit therapy. Sounds dramatic, I know, but this is my inner 6 year old.

Anyway, he ended up scheduling me for 2pm phone call (I was on my college campus). I was a little annoyed and hate phone sessions but sometimes I have no choice. This time I was annoyed because it's supposed to be a 55 min session, but he called 5 min late, had to call me back part way through because CPS called for him, so I lost 5 min there. Then he ended at 50 min. So it was really more like 40 min vs normal 55. Since he is normally pretty punctual I let it slide. I'm seeing him again Friday and am mulling over whether I should tell him about driving by his house. He'd probably take it in stride but it is slightly stalkerish so I might just not say anything.

I really appreciate all your replies. I still don't know 100% how I feel, but I do know that I'm not blameless in this, and that he's worth keeping as a T, even through stuff like this. His actions may have been passive aggressive, or spiteful, but I'm more inclined to think it's my younger parts feeling that about him. Now that I've calmed down I feel differently.

I'll talk with him about this Friday. I didn't want to address it too much over the phone, because there were other pressing issues.

Thanks for the support