[jbug]

My therapist died unexpectedly on Monday and I am not dealing with it very well at all. The one person that could help me is dead. I can call his boss but when I called her last night she didn't seem real thrilled to be hearing from me. I am getting tired of people saying well it was his time to go or Steve would want you to behave this way. I am feeling what I am feeling because that is the way my brain is wired.

I am thinking why trust anyone ever again because they will just leave. Monday night I cut deep enough to have to have stitches yesterday and got a lecture from my GP about it. I am just tired of people and tired of all of this. I came to school today but where I really want to be is home in bed with the covers pulled up over my head and I want Steve to come back. I know that won't happen but its what I want darn it.

I am really having a hard time dealing with this and just need a hug but then again if I got a hug I'd probably just start to cry again.

Jbug

Oh my God. When I read this, my heart sunk all the way down to my stomach. I am so very, very sorry. I cannot even express to you, how deeply sorry I am and how much I feel for you right now.

[__zh]

oh gosh jannie that's awful! didn't know your therapist had any serious health issues. and if they didn't all the more unexpected and shocking!!

there's no right way to process grief....especially such sudden grief that appears w/o warning.

crying might seem scary right now but perhaps it is a good release of so much inside? am glad you got medical attention for your SI.

what you describe wanting to do--hiding in bed w/ covers up--sounds perfectly normal after a huge loss.

sorry for your loss and please try to have some compassion for yourself while you go through the stages of grief.

((jannie))

I am so deeply sorry. What a loss to have to endure. Please do something good for you, and take care of yourself.
Please do not fear getting attached again because of loss. Do no focus on what was lost but what you have gained from him that will always and forever be with you. When all is said and done, the time together was special and can never be taken away from you even after death.

[lauren_helene]

Oh my Jannie, I've been wondering how you are. This is terrible news.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry and I'm here for you

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((janniebug)))))))))))) I'm so very sorry that this happened. Hang in there, we are thinking of you.

[allthegirls6]

Im so very sorry to hear this. I dont suppose this is something a person would ever expect. Im sorry and i know there is nothing I can say to make this better.

Please be as gentle as you can with yourself.

[amuseable]

Oh Jannie this is just horrifying news! Would you like to share what your T was like with us? Perhaps any special memories or moments you had together? You know, for a long time I thought there was something the matter with me because I became so attached to my T over time but now, thanks to this website I now know, this attachment is a GOOD thing. Our relationship with T is special in so many ways. The loss of that is so so very heartbreaking. Why not write a letter to him that says every last thing you want or need to say to him but did not get a chance to? All the feelings or memories or anything you wish to put into it? You could post it here if you liked. Just keep talking about it with us or anyone you trust. (((((((((Jannie)))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Jbug)))))))))))))))))))



I'm so sorry.

[(JD)]

Cry all you need to, this is devasting for most people. (((hugs))) You can recover from it, and yes, in the interest of your own self care, you need to continue therapy. Remember, the other T is human too, and having to deal with it and all the other patients who are saddened and possibly suicidal and without hope.

Please know you're in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry.

[ClaireB]

Jannie, I'm so sad to read this. I'll be thinking of you.

[ECHOES]

jannie, I'm very sorry Steve died suddenly.

Of course you are hurting and grienving; you've had a sudden and important loss. It's a process you'll go through and it will move at it's own pace. It's perfectly natural to want to pull the covers up over your head; it's so much to take in. It's a shock!

People are uncomfortable when someone around them is sad or grieving. They don't know what to say. They want to comfort you but when they try, what they express isn't always comforting. Maybe knowing that what they mean is that they wish you weren't suffering would help you. They're comforting in the only way they know how. That doesn't mean that's what you need. If you need a hug, tell them that you could sure use a hug.

Remember too that those Steve worked with are also in shock and grieving as they continue to work every day, so when you call it might seem as if they aren't "real thrilled" to hear from you but it might be that they are overwhelmed with their loss, too.

You're feeling what you're feeling because you've had a shock and an important sudden loss. This is not something a person gets over easily and your next therapist will help you with it.

For now... be good to you

Lots of Hugs,

Oh janniebug. There are no words I have that could possibly comfort you, but I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

I wish I could give you a real hug. I would also sit and cry with you so you could share the grief.

Please, please, please come here as often as you can. Don't isolate unless you're doing it for self-care. You have a lot of people who care about you. Lean on us.

[drummergrl]

Hi Janniebug!
Right now I feel just numb from the news. I do not know how to comfort you at the moment. Pls. don't hurt yourself.
Steve WOULDN'T want you to do that. He couldn't help it.
None of us can. Things happen beyond our control and we
have to go on. I don't know how I'd feel if that happened to me??? But I haven't known mine tht long so I don't feel like
I'm that attached. Now my former T in San Diego I spent 17 years with, that's different. My heart would surely break if something happened to her. She reparented me all those
years ago. That would be devastating. I don't handle death
too well. It's a full time sorrow thing for me.

Well, just know that we are here for you and send you lots of hugs........................and love.
Take care.....NO MORE CUTTING!!! If you need us, pls. come here!!!

[jacq10]

I truly am so sorry for your loss. This must be such a tough situation for you. Let those tears flow ... don't hold them back.
Sending gentle and caring hugs
((((Jannie))))

[sunrise]

(((((janniebug))))) I am so very shocked at this tragic news and so very very very sorry. I don't know what to say.

One thing I remember about you and your T is that you always called him "Steve" here on the board, and I really liked that. On PC, most people just call their therapist their T, but never by name. He was Steve to you and so you just wrote that. It sticks with me.

((((hugs))))

[TryingToCope]

(((((janniebug))))) I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. All I can do is give you my sympathy and let you know that I am here for you.

oh sweetheart! i'm so sorry people keep telling you that you shouldn't cry or be upset or whatever. i don't think that is right. i think that it is really understandable that you would be feeling upset and sad and hurt and abandoned and maybe even a little mad right now. that really sucks. if my t died i'd be devistated. oh wow. i'm so sorry this has happened to you.

[jbug]

Steve's funeral was yesterday and I made sure I was there. I didn't go to school at all yesterday which means I have missed almost every day this week. I informed my instructors what was going on and that I'd be back next week. Good thing its a short week with no school on Monday due to the holiday. I am seeing his boss until I make the switch to a different clinic. I have an appointment with the new clinic on the 12th.

At the funeral I kept waiting for him to pop up and say gotcha I'm not really dead. I would have slapped him if that happened. Nancy told me she thought he had a heart attack and that is why he died. I guess he had gotten up from the couch, fell and hit his head and then he died. She didn't think the fall is what killed him but that his heart just gave out. I am glad I am able to see Nancy for now because I like her and respect her.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers I still need them.

Jbug

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((Jannie))))))))))))) Thank you for checking in. My thoughts are with you.

[ECHOES]

Jbug , more hugs to you as you carry on and cope.

[drummergrl]

janniebug? how old was Steve? Was he having chest pain at all ever in your presence? Sometimes men don't notice what the symptoms are under a heart attack. They tend to think it's simple indigestion. He fell and hit his head? That might be it too? did they do an autopsy?

It's good that you're seeing his boss now so the immediate
feelings can be dealt with. Breaking in a new therapist is hard enough, let alone grieving for one!! Yes, you should cry.........don't feel embarrassed about it. Crying helps us release our emotions so that new ones can surface to make us stronger.

Take care, and like everyone else, we are here if you need us.

[jbug]

Thanks for all the hugs guys. Today hasn't been to bad of a day. I am out here at my parents house trying to get caught up on some homework since I practically missed all of last week of school. I just got my HTML done but can't the dots to change to flasks so will ask my instructor what I did wrong. I am getting ready to do my advanced spreadsheet and am glad my dad will be home soon so if I run into any problems he can help. I haven't cried anymore today I feel as if all the tears have been shed. I see Nancy again on Tuesday and I think our conversation will be about trusting again. I am having a hard time trusting anyone anymore because why should I when they will just leave.

Steve was 43 and was overweight and smoked. In fact that is something we shared in common and for holidays, birthdays and good grades he would give me packs of cigarettes. When I was in the hospital at Vista I ran out and called him and he brought me a pack. I did a scrapbook layout of him and that was very healing. I plan to show it to Nancy on Tuesday.

Again thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.

Jbug

You are in my thoughts too. How very sad. Take care of yourself.

[jbug]

Well I saw Nancy again yesterday and talked again about Steve. She told me that they found out it was an Aneurysm. I guess he had a major headache and his blood pressure was up. I start to see my new T on the 13th. I will miss talking with Nancy but am ready to move on. Last night was rough night and I tried to call the crisis line for OGC but my phone went dead and I couldn't find a pay phone that accepted call backs. I made it through and will see her tomorrow. They are having a grief debriefing group on Friday but I am possibly having surgery and if no surgery I'm getting my stitches out so I'm not going to go. I am switching clinics because it is so hard to walk in there and know that I'm not there to see Steve.

Jbug