Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

"What about animals slaughtered for our consumption? who among us would be able to continue eating pork chops after visiting a factory farm in which pigs are half-blind and cannot even properly walk, but are just fattened to be killed? And what about, say, torture and suffering of millions we know about, but choose to ignore? Imagine the effect of having to watch a snuff movie portraying what goes on thousands of times a day around the world: brutal acts of torture, the picking out of eyes, the crushing of testicles -the list cannot bear recounting. Would the watcher be able to continue going on as usual? Yes, but only if he or she were able somehow to forget -in an act which suspended symbolic efficiency -what had been witnessed. This forgetting entails a gesture of what is called fetishist disavowal: "I know it, but I don't want to know that I know, so I don't know." I know it, but I refuse to fully assume the consequences of this knowledge, so that I can continue acting as if I don't know it.”

'tis ok, my T says can't rescue me at all, can only walk beside me. Though I know when I was at my lowest, I leaned on her for stability and it was her ability to hold/sit with it that helped me get through it.

This is some deep stuff, t. Putting a face to 'him' it doesn't make any sense that the face I see is my Dad's. Well maybe it does make sense, although inaccurate, can something that's inaccurate make sense? Am I putting his face on 'him'? Perhaps it makes sense because where else would I get an idea of what my inner male should be like but from the first male authority in my life, or something like that. "He" is not happy with me, he's where all the negative thoughts about myself come from, oh yeah this is some really deep stuff, t and I don't wanna be working with it alone, last night during my journey I went to a very deep place inside myself, a deep place of calm, out there in the desert surrounded by friends and nature I felt safe from the feelings, and I need to remember how to find that place inside myself back before I start working with this again. I know I am a broken record but this is some of the deepest stuff yet, my dear t. I want to work on this with you Wednesday. May want you to drum for me. I love you.

T - something is going on, please be present tomorrow and help me. - me

T,

and idk how to tell you but i probably should
Annie

Wow, T, that was a weird, weird dream. You didn't look like you but I know it was you, and it was me. What happened there? I guess it does represent reality! Something I am hiding from you, have been hiding from you. Planned always to hide from you, I think, but I don't know if I can now. In my dream I told you, and as usual you responded well, but I don't know. It feels weird. And if I told you it might change what is there, and I am not sure I want that to change.

What a dream.

I had a terrible dream and have been up for hours. You asked me to help you destroy another client. I wouldn't do it and you threatened me with termination. I hope I can go back and rewrite the dream. You're not the kind of therapist who would ever do such a thing. It's not the first dream like this so there must be some underlying fear in me. IDK.

Dear MC,
Also had a bad dream last night--two of them really. Involved that teacher from high school. His wife had passed away (yeah, I know--obvious much, subconscious?) and there was some memorial service at the school that I wanted to attend. My parents were begging me not to, trying to get me to leave school early so I wouldn't go. The teacher told me it was OK to attend, but I shouldn't stay till the end because that would seem inappropriate. And that they'd probably only have vegetables and bread for me to eat (I'm vegetarian), but I said that would be fine. Woke up as I was wandering halls of school, trying to get away from my parents and find memorial.

Next dream was an actual funeral for his wife, only it was taking place at 3 a.m. in this underground church. There was a guestbook to sign that had some names typed in it, and mine and H's were in there, so it felt like it was OK I was there. But there was little room to write by my name. Ran into a guy from college there, and was like, "Hi! Didn't expect to see you here," and he was like, "Yeah, you know you're not supposed to greet people at funerals." Another guest told me that, too.

They were giving video presentations showing the artwork and multimedia stuff his wife had apparently done. And they all had Modest Mouse songs in the background--I was thinking that seemed an odd choice, particularly when they used "Bury Me With It." Also ran into a few other people I knew there, including T, which is part of what made me think it was actually about you... (Well, and the fact that your wife just passed away and you're also a male authority figure that I fear would abandon me, of course.)

Then I got home, and my parents were up waiting for me (not sure where H was in all this, but I assume it was supposed to be happening in the past). My dad was eating a ridiculous amount of pizza and kept trying to get me to eat more, but I felt sick. I tried brushing my teeth, but the toothpaste turned into chewing gum. I think that's when I woke up.

So yeah, that's all going to be floating around in my head amidst all the other stuff when I go into today's session. But I won't actually talk about the dream, of course (probably to T tomorrow). Just...be kind and accepting of the other stuff, OK? And maybe throw in an apology or two or appreciation for us bearing with the move or something.

Love you,
LT

i've already forgotten most of my dream last night because i didn't bother to write it down, it was some post-apocolyptic stuff that my brain got right from one of the books i just finished reading. that's the problem with reading so much - sometimes the books become a dream. i think maybe you might try to figure out how it relates to my life right now but i don't really want to waste any time on this one. i need to talk about the active imagination from a couple nights before, and about putting a face to 'him'. hmm, maybe the dream does speak to that in a way after all, this is such deep stuff (the animus work) maybe my psyche felt like it was some apololypse i don't know. i don't know how to spell. haha

Oh and t, I did the Myers-Briggs thing again, found a longer one this time, because I was still curious after you asked if I was a thinking type rather than feeling. Well, guess what, it came back INFJ again. I really thought about the questions too, tried to be able to answer them any other way than I did, but couldn't. The other choices just didn't fit. So there you have it.

I looooooooove you again. And I haven't even seen you yet

Youve mentioned this before - i feel like there is something behind it. Apologize for changing office?? Really? Thats a business decision. "Well i cant afford it, but LT doesnt like change, so i guess i'll go broke!" I think you really are angry at him for not including you in some other decision, and want an apology for that. Maybe?

Maybe "apology" isn't the right word... More like a "hey, I know this has probably been hard for you, thanks for bearing with us as we work out the kinks." According to T, it wasn't as much of a financial thing as him not wanting to manage two offices (which were in the same block, incidentally).

I honestly wonder how much of this is still me being upset that he wasn't going to tell us about his wife's death, that he would have lied about it if asked. Which I know is completely his right to do. Or at least his not really seeming to understand why I was upset about that.

And also being unsure of whether I can bring up stuff like, "You seem a bit less empathic lately" or "You haven't been apologizing for being late" or "You're suddenly adhering to the 45-minute thing, without discussing it before I got upset the one session we had to leave abruptly, when for the past few YEARS you've generally done 50, often an hour with us." When it's like, he just lost his wife, OF COURSE he's not going to be feeling and acting exactly the same. And yes, I know that's probably why he wasn't going to tell his patients (I don't know if any of the other ones know). But at the same time, if I didn't know he'd just suffered a loss, I would have assumed if he was acting differently, that it was about me (just because that's where my mind goes if ANYONE acts differently around me, including H, which drives him nuts).

Thanks, Una, for giving me something to think about--what do I really want to say here? I think what it all comes down to is fear that he has/is going to change how he acts towards us, that he's not going to be as empathic, that he's going to focus more on the clock than on his patients, that this isn't going to be some temporary period he's going through while in the initial months of grieving and adapting to life as a widow, but is just how he'll be from now on.

And all of this of course being tied up in the paternal transference...Like how my dad started acting differently toward me when my mom had cancer (she survived) when I was 12 and I started having really bad anxiety problems. I really need to talk more about the paternal transference stuff, but it's awkward sometimes with H, or I'll say a few things, then MC will be like "So how do you feel about that, H?" (as he should...), then the rest of the session is about that.

So maybe that's also what I'm upset about. I keep thinking...if I could just talk to MC about all this stuff, like whether with H there or not, whether in person or on phone, for 45 minutes, just centered on paternal transference that I'm dealing with, not H's reaction, then maybe I could manage to resolve some of this more. I mean, it's been 2 years since I initially told MC about it (and we met individually twice)--there have been brief conversations and e-mails since then, but I just want to have a real conversation about it. (He keeps saying it's fine to talk about in session, but then stuff gets derailed...I even tried to be on good behavior this past week so H wouldn't have some major thing to bring up, but I may have slipped a bit yesterday.)

OK, will stop rambling now...

don't think one 45 minute talk is going to resolve paternal transference

T,

im struggling.. i know that you see it. but you let loose of the reigns, like a parent with a teenager. im flailing around now... periods of adulthood, periods of being a child. i yearn for you to come save me as you have so many times before, but i know you arent coming. so it's up to me now, sink or swim?

I don't think I can afford to see you as often this month. That makes me sad, but it is necessary for me to not feel even worse by being completely skint. It is expensive work this therapy malarky. I think my Dad should have to pay for some it, to be honest, but that is a different story.

I don't know if I will follow through with my intention though, because H is back home in six weeks and I like working with you while he is away, then maybe I could reduce down when he is back. That makes more sense, doesn't it? Does to me, anyway.

It's a tough one T. A tough one.

I know...but at least to be able to actually talk more about it than we are now...I think all this stuff in my head right now has been building up for months....maybe one 45-minute talk per quarter?

i get the sense he has pulled away from one on one therapy with you

Oh, he did--I just meant even one 45-minute joint session focusing on that really. We only met individually twice, and that was 2 years ago. That was when he said his door was always open to me, then changed his mind. He's OK with occasional phone calls (and e-mails/texts)--and has specifically said this, just not meeting individually in person. (Last phone call was mid-January--and they tend to be more if MC and I had a conflict, or occasiionally if I'm just generally struggling--not stuff about H).

I think part of the issue too is it feels like our joint sessions have just become about what's happened in the past week--there's not really some theme or goal running through them. We're talking about the trees, not as much the forest (though that came up more last week at least) I've felt that way for a long time, too. Like some bigger topic--the forest--will come up (like the roles H and I play in our relationship), MC says we can continue another week (since we only really talked about my role), then...never happens. And we'll spend 10 minutes some sessions talking about random stuff (like college basketball), which was fine when it was a 55-min session, but not so much if it's only 45. I wish MC would take the lead more if we seem to be meandering, but I know he and T both do client-led. I suppose I could bring that up...

So...based on all the stuff I've said, any thoughts on what I *should* talk about with him in an hour? (H is fine--well as of 2 days ago--spending at least part of session on that).

I guess I would try to think about goals and where I want my life to be and how can MC play a role in helping myself and h get there. I see that you're scared to bring up your perceptions on how he's changed but I think it needs to be addressed. Mainly to see if there is any basis for it.. Scope it out

Thanks, JD. That makes sense.

I did warn H that I'd probably be talking about something slightly different than what I initially told him. He said OK, but I hadn't said what. I was like, "Yeah, that's because I don't know yet!"

Dear T (not art T).
This did not go well today. i know it wasn't your intention. But I feel now like I'm to blame for the things that happened or didn't happen between me and my partner. Guilt and shame. Like there's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me having needs and desires and expressing them. Fundamentally so. I gueess I'm in emotional flashback mode. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I hope I'll be more in the here and now tomorrow. If not, I might need your help to get out of this downward spiral. Trouble is, in my perception you are the one who caused it. Not good.

in despair,
c_r

how many drugs could a druggie do if a druggie could just get drugs?

Yeah try getting off red nail polish WITHOUT acetone and your teacher tells you to just cheat because EVERYBODY DOES IT!!

in other words, my sympathies in studying for your boards