Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Remember when I told you how excited I was when I met that guy in the park a few weeks back? Remember how I thought that some things are meant to be? Well now I'm thinking some things are NOT meant to be.

If I wrote poetry to a therapist:

What do you do there
Defensive of your career
Thin skin therapist

Sit in the sole chair
Smug self satisfied aloof
Pretend not to judge

Acting empathic
Manipulating clients
Collecting the cash

what to tell you tomorrow, T...?..

Is there an "i love my chiropractor" website? I should probably hang out over there, instead of disrespectfully rewriting SD's poem in my wacky ol head...

Your homework assignment makes me feel ugly.

Okay, if we're being mean:

To T1,

When you wrote to me that night
Did you not think it wrong?
To ignore you were my therapist,
Like I should play along?

You knew that I had left you
'Cause of transference I had
And if you think we can be friends
You must be freaking mad.

What did you expect from me
At 2am on twitter?
Telling me your problems
(You can bet your a s s I'm bitter)

What hurts about your message -
There's no concern about my life
You just wanted to tell me
That you've split up with your wife.

I know that you were lonely
And probably drunk too
But I don't need your friendship, man
And I do not need you.

I don't think my Haiku Triptych was mean.
Just reflective of how I see those guys.

Yeah I questioned 'mean' after I wrote it. I liked it

I don't know if I can do this anymore to be honest.

T,

I've probably sent you 50 messages today. You once jokingly said your limit was 50 messages a day. I'm sorry. I wanted to open up. I should have journaled instead of messaging.

Dear T, I am missing you so much & just can't distract myself. I'm feeling angry that you have had an Easter break of two weeks. Everyone else only takes a week. I'm angry that you have chosen to abandon me like this & you don't seem to care that I'm hurting so much. I don't want to miss you so much, but I do & I think that's your fault too. I don't like you very much at the moment. I know when I text you earlier in the week, you told me you were still here & not going anywhere, BUT, your not here are you? Your still on bloody holiday!!! I know that my inner child is the one being affected, but she needs you NOW!!!

For Smaug:

There once was a very bad p-doc,
In sessions she would run out the clock,
She couldn't hear "no,"
But told you to go,
Hopefully soon her head's on the block.

Meh. I'm bad at rhythm.

Dear t,

This is going to sound crazy but I feel like taking less of my anti-psychotic tonight because I miss having Hillary Clinton in my head. She is a distraction from my problems and they keeps me company and make me feel wanted. I know you'd want me to take my meds so I guess I will but life is just so unbearable lately. Alright, I just talked myself into taking my meds. But help anyway please? I'm sorry, I'm such a lunatic.

Dear T,

I'm going to have to tell you tomorrow about how, after we spent a whole session learning how to be real-- I wasn't real for three days and forgot to eat anything but decaf coffee and a few granola bars, all because I was in a house that was cold with people who reminded me of my mom. This morning I tried the exercise we did together, remembering that all the things behind me have not disappeared and are still there, and everything got better right away. I'm feeling so stupid that I fell apart this easily, and forgot everything you showed me. I'm sorry.

Dear T
I know that you are trying to help me feel safe asking for help and that you keep telling me to email/text between session. I know you have written "I am always happy to hear from you." But I got myself in so much trouble when I got over attached to T4, I refuse to be a burden again. I can so easily become too much. I emailed you Thursday. Depression has gotten worse. Now all I want to do is cry. But I am afraid to text. Guess I just needed to say that. I'll be okay. I'm always okay.

Anxiety. Paralysing anxiety.

t - maybe you could "love" me a little less and rescue me a little more? Do you even want to, even feel the desire to?

I love you.

Dear MC,
Nervous to talk to you about the stuff I want to talk about tomorrow. Partly because I feel sort of...I don't know, whiny/needy, being like "But you didn't think about me/other clients with the move--and handshake--thing and the effect it might have. Or the effect it's having on T. I'd just appreciate some acknowledgment that you know it's probably been difficult, you were sorry you had to do it, and thanks for bearing with you. I feel taken for granted sometimes, like, yeah, I adore you, but that doesn't mean you can just assume I'm OK with everything. Like, apologizing when you're more than 5-10 minutes late--you never even bother to do that anymore. Just a 'sorry about that' when you come retrieve us would go a really long way."

I can't decide whether to mention the other thing or not. Or whether to say what T said regarding part of your reason for the move, which is why I felt like I couldn't say anything about it. I mean, it feels like it's been a long time since your wife passed away, but it's only been, like 4 months--not even quite that, I don't think. So it's probably still somewhat raw for you. At the same time, I know you wouldn't want me to have not said anything about being upset with you because you'd just suffered a loss. I mean, you weren't even going to tell me about it, probably to prevent exactly that kind of thing. But I wonder...since I do know, do you have different expectations of me regarding things around that topic, even just tangentially related?

Because I think why I'm extra jumpy--beyond my usual abandonment fears--around changes like the handshake is from those articles I read about T's dealing with personal loss. How you might change, become less caring or empathic (or potentially more empathic, especially for a client who suffered a loss). Is it OK to mention those fears to you? I know you'd say not to apply things I read to you--but hey, for once, it wasn't something I read on PC, but stuff from actual scientific journals (well, and a blog). But maybe it would help explain some of my hypervigilance?

But then...what if you ask, "So, do you think I have changed?" Because I'm not sure how to answer that. I feel like in some way you have, but I'm not sure I could really fully explain it. Then again, it's hard to say for sure if it's *you* actually changing, or if it's how I perceive you changing. Because I feel like I looked at you a bit differently once I learned your wife was sick, too--but that wouldn't have been a case where you changed, because you'd been dealing with that for a long time already. But I found out about her death like a week after it happened...

Sometimes in the past 4 months you've seemed more compassionate. Sometimes more distant, particularly right afterward, which is to be expected. You've seemed less playful, maybe--like you still joke around some, but not as much as before. Less apologetic. You still light up when you talk about your kids, especially stuff from when they were younger. And I also don't know if some changes are because of the new office, like you sit in your office chair now instead of the couch, so you're actually sitting a bit closer to me. Which is maybe why I have more trouble looking at you sometimes. I can't see when you're approaching the waiting room, so it's harder for me to be prepared. And the session length thing.

I don't know how much of this to say to you and how much not. Maybe I should just start with the first part, and see where it goes from there? See what I feel comfortable saying and what direction you take it in? I don't want it to just be "I'm mad because you changed stuff and didn't apologize." I want you to know the fears behind it, too...but I also don't know if it's OK for me to talk about those fears. OK, I'm sure you'll say it's OK--I just don't want to put you in an awkward place.

Well, I guess I have 23 hours to think about it--hope we do get to see you. (Do I mention how I still fear you're going to cancel at the last minute every week, too? Or that we'll have to because D is sick--we missed that by 1 day last week...) And I still kinda want to talk about paternal transference stuff, but I suspect that's all tied up in here with all the other stuff...

Love,
LT

My T said he can't rescue me anymore. Cool thanks buddy maybe you never should have in the first place?

Sorry mini rant

T, T, T. I feel normal!! It has lasted since it started, about 10 o'clock this morning. I want to tell you now! I did one of those worksheets so I can show you on Tuesday.

T, I like the table cuz of the story behind it but increasingly I don't like that it makes you farther away in your chair. I hate the table where it is. I'll never tell you that, though because we are in the same room again after all and that is more important. I'll get over the table.

T,
In 3 day, 3 hrs, and 24 mins will be our transition day. I'm so scared.

Dear T,

How am I even going to tell you everything on my mind in an hour? Can I just curl up?

Dear T,

I still feel emotionally flat from Seroquel. You're probably (again) going to be stressed/frustrated talking with me on Tuesday. I'm so sorry that I cannot feel anything these days. It frustrates me as much as I can imagine it frustrates you. I wish I could feel something... anything... but sadly, I cannot. It must be more interesting to talk to a wall.

Maybe I should give up on therapy until I can actually feel something? Dunno. Everything seems so pointless these days. I benefit from nothing and I feel nothing. I mean, I feel the same whether i take a sh_t or win the lottery.

My medication is eating me alive

Dear R,

I want to show you the poems, but...I feel like that would be wasting time. On the other hand, they're the truest representation of my feelings at the moment. I wish there were some way to strip back all the flowery language, and just get me to say it exactly as it was...and is. It frustrates me no end that I was 'shamed' into denying intrusive thoughts four years ago. Now, they're back...full force, and then some.

For something that never actually happened, this situation is consuming me. Whether I show you the poems or not this week, please don't allow me to disappear into my head. That's not why either of us are in the same place at the same time.

I either feel numb or edgy at the moment. It's all I can do not to Google transactional analysis, but I don't want to know too much.

Three more sleeps...see you soon.