Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

My new job involves working on Wednesdays. Sooooo... you'd better have a free slot at some other time in the week, T.

Dear R,

I think the interview went well, but I don't know whether I'll get the position. Either way, it doesn't matter. We'll find a way to make our sessions work, right? I'm frustrated with the people who are saying that my getting this job will change everything. My nights are still nightmarish, but the only thing that's preventing actual nightmares being an issue is....I don't actually sleep.

Roll on Wednesday - please don't let me disappear into my thoughts without telling you what they are. I need to talk about them to get. them. out.

You still worry about that story I told you? You still remember? You care? That melts my heart <3 <3 <3

Dear T,
I'm sorry I emailed you. It was stupid of me to do it and stupid of me to expect you to say something comforting, I should know by now that is not your style. I still don't understand why though. I hate that I'm so attached to you because now I feel like I can't ever let go of you even though I want to. I want to stop torturing myself with this and go to sleep. I'm so so tired of it all. Sometimes I wish I could just throw myself on the floor and give up completely. I can't see myself moving beyond where I am now and I was relying on you to give me some hope or encouragement to keep going. I guess that was a mistake too.

My desire to email you to say I'm home safe is counteracted by the fact you are not my father and don't care about me nearly as much as I want you to.

I've been thinking about our last session, T, and as awesome as it was, it was horrible at the same time. I'm definitely starting to idolize you. You're the dad I wish I could have had. You validate me in ways that no one ever has before. You're amazing. I love you.

And you're retiring in December. I'm going to be destroyed.

I know I should walk away now before I get hurt again, but I can't. We're doing some really good work. Even I can see the progress.

I'll probably not schedule anything after your summer holiday. I won't tell you this, though. I'll never let you see how much of an effect you've had on me in the short time we've worked together.

I'm already shopping for someone new. I can't bring myself to ask for referrals. I need to take care of myself.

ETA: I was watching dumb videos on Instagram and I got a news alert about the Earth Day events in DC today. You probably don't remember telling me that you were going, but I do. I hope you enjoy yourself. Your passion for the environment is impressive. Mostly because I wish I could be passionate about something.

idk T, idk.

When I last came to see you, the daffodils on your road were in full bloom. When I next see you they will be fading. I wrote this in anticipation of that sight.

When I came back to see you
The daffodils were dead
Their brown and withered corpses
Were cowered there instead.

Oh how those fallen flowers
With bulbs alive and true
Evoke the strength, come spring or fall,
Of what I grow with you.

I'm thinking about how great you are.

That's amazing, echos. Just, wow.

Aw thanks Art I can't stop writing poetry to/for T at the moment which worries me a bit because I used to write poetry to T1 a lot when the attachment was strong. And especially when it hurt, like when I left. I can't wait to get back into routine with T.

Quick question - from one poet to another. The penultimate line, would you go with

Evoke the strength, come spring or fall

or

Evoke the immortality

Second one says more succinctly what I'm getting at but I dunno whether it makes sense/sounds okay.

Ignore if you will, but what about 'evoke the lasting'. If it fits what you want, that is.

Love your daffodil poem, Echos.

I like the sound of 'immortality' better, and I think if it fits what you feel better then you should go with it, as that's really the point of the poem after all. Having said that, the mention of the seasons seems to really fit with the feeling of the poem to me, too.

(and yeah, I know you asked Art, not me, but I thought I'd get involved anyway )

Thanks so much Waterbear, that's just the sentiment, but the line needs to be eight syllables to work for me (I'm a bit of a stickler for meter I'm afraid!) I really appreciate the feedback and that you understand my meaning

(sorry Dear T thread, please resume business )

Thanks Luc, your feedback is very much appreciated. I've gone with the second option in my little file of therapy poems (planning to print them in book form to give T when we terminate one day. I know, I plan ahead )

Yes yes - I like that even more

"evoke the immortality
of what I grow with you"

This is why it takes me so long to decide a poem is finished. I keep changing things. lol

Yes! I'm forever tweaking thanks Art

oh and echos - i shall not count the number of poems i have written to my t. and I've even given her some of them. double

Dear T,

Just want to let you know that I don't really like this change that you have been implementing, without talking to me first. I don't even know if you have been doing it consciously or not. You have been trying to do this for a while, I think. By not texting me when you have sent an email, I don't know if you have sent one or not, if it doesn't send, which it hasn't on several occasions.

It is OK if it comes through, but what do I do if it doesn't. Do I just wait and stew and feel like you have forgotten about me or that you don't care or that I have pushed you away or that something terrible has happened to you etc etc etc etc or do I chase you up and question whether you have replied or not.

When they have not come through I the past, and I know you have sent it because you told me by text, I can tell you it hasn't come through and you normally just very briefly summarise in the text. You have never resent the email, and, whilst I have wanted you to, it had been on that you haven't.

Anyway, rambling. Just not sure that I like the change, especially because you haven't talked to me about it. Talk to me T, talk to me. I would understand if you had reasons, but I don't understand you not talking to me. Don't repeat history!!!

Dear T, I am going to tell you on Tuesday that I really need support. Please do something about it. Isn't there something like supportive therapy? Or is it not your style? Or you think it doesn't help? Let me tell you, at the moment it is the only thing I need.
I am very angry now but in the same time I don't want to be angry at you.

Thank you!

Wow, what a reunion. It was so great to see you again, and I never imagined I would get such an amazing welcome. The way you ran over to me, and the cuddles- I wasn't even sure you'd remember who I was! Your hair is more white than grey now- and I do like the new style-its much easier to cope with.
I have to say it was a bit weird seeing the building with just the one light on. It seemed cold, uninviting, and emptier than before.

I know I was a bit of a wind up merchant today. Sorry about that. For the first time ever I actually wanted your attention- so thanks for playing along, its appreciated

Hi Dr. S, For some reason, I have started missing you more and more as the day has progressed. Maybe because we stayed in the intellectual side of things most of the session yesterday. with love, me

Dear T,

Please tell me how/if the work we have done has shifted my depression. At all. I'm begging you. I don't want to believe that this whole thing has been a waste, but it's starting to seem that way.

Please.
c