Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear T-

Thanks for everything.. but I can't do this anymore. I don't do relationships and I can't handle even the t and client relationship. Also, it's time 5 1/2 years.. I think I am going to learn all that I am going to learn. I know it's the end of our relationship, but I know I will see you around. I just don't know how I should do it.. email you? Call the office and cancel all appointments with the girls up front? I'll figure it out.

Thanks t..

Hey T--thanks for calling me today. stupid germs getting in the way of therapy. i really am terrified of doing what you suggested. we'll see how this week goes.

Suddenly I feel like curling up in a very small ball and crying. It's barely 3:30, but the day has been trying, and Cactus Woman awaits.

Me: *waves from atat's pocket* you've got this atat

thanks for your encourgement via text

im holding strong despite the withdrawal symptoms

im seriously concerned tonight will be a repeat of last night

it was basically tortuous

but i will get through it

me

Dear MC,
Sorry for the long e-mail I just sent you. I wish we'd had a longer session today, but you got us late, and so we just had the 45 minutes. I'm not complaining because you kept us long the past few weeks. And even if we had 10 more minutes, not sure if I would have been able to bring some of the stuff up.

I wanted to sign the e-mail "Love, [LT]," but was too scared to. I mean, you know I love you, so wouldn't have been new information. But then if you didn't write back or took a few days to do so, I would have invariably assumed that was the reason.

Please help me. Please don't just tell me this is stuff to talk about with T or with H. You understand me more than anyone ever has. So I feel like you have the best chance of helping me figure all this out, to, as I said in the e-mail, "fix me."

I thought of quoting song lyrics to you, but managed to refrain from that too.

I miss you already, and it's been like 2 hours...

Love you,
LT

Dear Current T --

We'll pretend to get past yesterday.

But, the trust is gone -- on both sides -- I fear.

I'll come by on Wednesday as usual and, we'll both crack a few jokes and go through the motions of 'repairing' the rupture. And, life will go on -- because, I can't start over with someone else again and, my last bit of self-preservation makes me hold on to the idea of being in therapy.

But, you've seen my anger now. And, perhaps more scarily for you, my choice to keep it tightly under wraps for weeks at a time and show it to you in tightly controlled bits?

And, I've seen that you can't handle even that. So so so can't handle it.

You should've maybe clarified that anger wasn't on the menu in wanting me to be vulnerable?

- A woebegone AY

Dear M,

When I told you the story about my parents, why did you laugh? I wanted to cry.

Was I telling it in a funny way? Maybe neither of us could handle what it was really about? I wish you could have been there for me today.

I love you, my dear T.

T, my head is still spinning from our last session and your mixed messages. I don't know if i"m coming or going. I think that we both know that it's best for me to find a new T...you even said that you'd understand if I did. But you also want us to continue on because you think you can help me.

Again my mind is spinning and it has been since our last meeting 10 days ago! I can't get anything done and sometimes I wonder if being in therapy with you has helped me or hurt me more. I'm really leaning towards the latter.

I left a message for a new T today, we shall see how that goes. I just can't see us recovering from this. I feel like there will always be an elephant in the room.

Why am I so attached and trying and trying to make this work when there are so many other Ts out there???? Why can't you meet me part of the way?

I can't wait until this whole madness is behind me! I need my thoughts back and not to be thinking of you and our work 24/7.

Dear T,

I wrote a nice letter to you that I plan to bring with me to our next session tomorrow. It has A LOT of embarrassing things in it and it contains material that's VERY triggering to me. I don't know how I'd even handle talking about it? It details abuse, losses, neglect... I don't even know how I managed to write it all?

The only problem is that I don't trust myself to bring it to you. I feel like I'm going to chicken out! I know I should put my best foot forward and just hand you the f***ing thing, but damn, I don't know if I can do that.

I'll have a lot of suspense and feelings of awkwardness while you're reading my letter. I mean, I'll be sitting there watching you read and I'll become more and more anxious, wondering what you're thinking. I don't know. I know you're going to do your best not to judge me, but I'm afraid I'll come across as a horrible person.

I don't know if I can do this... ... but I need help.

Yours Truly

You can do it, Blue! ...(is there a cheer-leading emoticon?)

Ah... this will do:

why why why why why can't I know?

I see you tomorrow

Dear Cactus Woman,

I guess you're the new addressee here.

Try not to screw up too badly, OK?

ATAT

I'm scared I'm going to create a rupture right before I go away for two weeks. I don't feel secure I know what my own intentions are.

I still miss you. That, though, is a good thing, because the minute I don't miss you I will begin the journey of pushing you away and then it will be hard to get back to where we were. I need to keep missing you and believing that you will come back.

Hugs waterbear... Glad you're back! Might I ask why your T is away?

I'm glad you don't have a beard these days

Dear T,

I was SOOOOO nervous when I handed you a letter I wrote telling you about my f_cked up childhood. I didn't know what you were going to think! Instead of thinking of me as a nutjob, you said, "Thank you for sharing this with me. It means a lot to me."

I'm glad I shared my concerns about my diagnoses with you. Thank you for telling me my parents were assholes who neglected me! And thank you for saying that I wasn't a piece of sh_t. I seriously felt like a piece of sh_t for my extreme violence and mood swings during my adolescent years, but it's good to know that you strongly believe I had undiagnosed emotional dysregulation disorder. Basically, I wasn't just a "crazy child". I had mental health issues that my parents blatantly ignored.

I'm going to tell you next session how much I appreciate your words. Seriously, all these years I've been feeling like a f_cking sh_t stain. I was always so guilty about my childhood and adolescence. But now all of this guilt has dissipated. I realize that sh_t happened and it wasn't necessarily my fault, since children aren't so great at handling emotions.

Thank you so much!

Hi t. It's weird that 3 weeks has felt like 3 months away. I love you.

Dear T,
Your hair has been looking great the past couple of weeks. I didn't want to bring it up because you were so shy about it when you first got it cut but the color, the styling, and cut look great.

T, I really appreciate you, and I really really appreciate your support.
I don't know why I'm so stressed at the moment. I hope I can get over it. But it really really helps me to know that you have my back.

Dear MC,
Thanks for your caring response. Yeah, I did dump an awful lot on you in that e-mail--sorry about that. It's just how my brain works, which you've surely figured out by now. When you started mentioning T in the e-mail, I was expecting you to say that this is something I need to work on with her, not you. Or that I needed to be telling H, not you (of course I already did tell him most of it--and T, too). But you kept yourself in the equation of helping me, with that whole "you/[T]/we" thing you repeated a few times in the e-mail. And that means a lot to me. Thanks for being there.
Love you,
LT