Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear Dr. S, look I made it all day without emailing you. Are you proud of me or are you missing me? It's been almost 2 wks now with daily emails (sometimes more). Today was an ok day. I missed you and yeah I could have emailed you. It would have been out of habit, boredom, and loneliness. I didn't need you, I didn't need encouragement or support. Ok, I did read the old emails from you. I am proud of me for not emailing you. Love, me

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so ****in' special
I wish I was special

NOT a creep, if that's where you are going
Hugs!

Dear V, last time you asked me at the end of the session if I felt authentic this time, because you know I have this issue. And I said yes, and I really meant it, just to leave and realise later that I was not agreeing with some things you were saying that day, but in the moment couldn't connect to that part of mine that disagrees, that sees things differently. It's like I was a different person there. And this is happening all the time. I hope you will notice this...
I'm so tired of being so anxious all the time when I'm there. But I think lately I'm like that when I'm with anyone.

I'm caught halfway between the past and the future. The future fills me with hope, the past with sadness. Why can't I stop looking back?

T-

I stopped taking my meds, probably about a month ago. At first not intentionally I just kept forgetting, then I realized I had no more refills left, which is BS because I just got a new rx on October, why is the stupid doctor requiring me to see him so often?

So, when I tell you I having panic attacks again, it's all my fault. Maybe this is the way I really deserve to live my life?

Was listening to this last night

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

T,

Stay away on vacation for as long as possible please. But come back right now, will you?

Guess you should have diagnosed me with BPD after all...

Dear T,

My parents keep telling me to "stop it", but I don't know what I can do. I'm depressed, and them telling me to "stop it" hurts a lot. I can't "stop" being depressed.

I spent hours last night crying in my bed, thinking about how horrible and useless I am, and how my parents wouldn't care about me if I died. I have no one who would care about me if I died.

I woke up this morning and my eyes were sore from crying so much. I actually went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 6am. But I was hurting so much that I purposely went back to bed and woke up at 11am.

See you bright and early on Wednesday morning, I guess.

I can no longer remember how it feels to hold your hand...

I'm liking this every other week thing. Now I don't have to come up with things to talk about for a while.

Dear T,

I am very unsure about seeing you again. Bear doesn't want to come on Tuesday. He wants me to figure it all out first, to see if it is safe. I hope that it will be but I might need you to really work, to really be there, without being too invasive. Good luck with that!!

I just wish it was sooner so that we could get it over and done with.

Thank you for your email. I honestly wasn't expecting anything from you, so I felt good when I saw it there. I find your words, nearly always, are just what I need to hear. So much more so than when we are together, usually, for whatever reasons. Sometimes I could swear it was a different person, and it is what makes me think I would live to stay in contact with you by letter when we do finish.

Maybe we can just be. Together. As you say, on Tuesday. I hope you are right, that we will be OK.

Thank you T.

How I feel about you before session: meh

No I just want to be as special to him as he is to me. It's been 6 years when will this wanting something I can't have end?

Dear M,

When I said "I love you" last week I wasn't even thinking about it, it just came out by accident just like everything else I said, and when it did, it felt good and true.

But now I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen because I said those words. I don't know what, just a feeling. I haven't said them at all to anyone in at least five years, and before that... never to my parents, rarely to partners. The reasons for staying quiet are still very compelling. I'm so scared.

Dear MC,
I was just starting to type in here to apologize for texting you when you texted me back. Did you just happen to be sitting there staring at your phone? Or did you have an alarm set for "OK, LT has an IEP meeting tomorrow morning. She's freaking out and will probably text me in 3-2-1...[my text comes through]" So thanks. And I know you likely won't reply to my response but that's OK.

And, OK, I don't even know that you had to say anything about the IEP specifically. Just to know that you thought about me for a minute tonight--long enough to read what I said and reply--is maybe all I was really looking for. Just needed that brief connection to help me through. But I suspect you probably realized that...
Love you,
LT

LT, I hope the IEP meeting goes well! CMs can be hit or miss. I try my best for the kids on my caseload, but I know I'm not perfect.

Well, T, it's official. I'm attached. Something stressful happened, and I instantly wanted to tell you. I've been hurt by transference before. I don't know if I can handle it again. I'm scared.

I might be ready to try dropping down to one time a week. But I am sad when I think of it and I'll hate to lose something that gives my week structure. I'm afraid I will end up "losing" a whole day each week if I don't see you on Tuesdays. Is that enough of a reason to keep seeing you twice a week?

Pdoc-please stop agreeing with me. Come up with your own recommendations. I'm tired of always being the one looking after myself. Tired...

It's 3.34am. I wanted to write something for you tonight, but I don't have any words. I am sad. Those are some words I guess.

Hey t. I'm looking forward to coming on Wednesday. It's funny how things work out exactly like they are supposed to, you know?

That rupture affected me so much, i wish you realized what it was doing to me. I feel like ive taken 1000 steps back from where i was at 2 years ago. And that it will take me a long time to get back there. The added stress has broken me down.

Im really feeling anger now. And no, its not at my parents and it doesnt belong there either ( for once maybe). Its at you.

Michelle, I want you to understand I am trying to do my best...

Former T-i may ask you a couple of sessions. Afraid to ask because insurance wont cover and i cant afford it but dont want to mention money if you offer a low rate or free, i will feel as if i tried to manipulate you even though its not the truth. It will still feel that way, T points out how im trying to 'get' something, regardless of what my motivations actually are.

Triple messages tonight, i guess that shows how desperate i feel right now. ⛈ what a mess i am. My decision making might as well be a huge pile of grief.

I need to stop thinking of this. If only i could sleep like a normal person. Or better yet, when i do ever get to sleep, never wake up.