Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

T, I miss you!! When I ask myself where does that comes from...what do I want... I realize the little child in me craves being held, rocked and told it's going to be ok...
Safety and comfort.

But I never got that in childhood. It's too late to get it now.
If I could have done it for myself, I would have done it already!!
I will never have it.
So what's the use of coming to therapy anymore?

T whats with all the monosyllabic texts? No more Hi BCM signed X

Dear CW,

We didn't really settle on what I should do if the Lupron hit hard - as it is, and fast - in terms of calling on you for help if needed. Frankly, I don't want to call on you for help - you remind me a bit too much of No. 3 - so I changed the subject asap.

But Xanax is barely taking the edge off the emotional lability or calming me enough to sleep, and the physical side effects are here too. Not sure about work tomorrow.

Anyway, I guess I should have let us arrange something more specific. For all sad words of tongue and pen, etc.

ATAT

Dear T,

Thank you Demunie. She is just away on holiday, somewhere nice, for three weeks. Two weeks left to go. We had a lovely session before she left and for now I am still holding on to that.

T,

I barely knew her and didn't like her and was scared of her.

She's dead now, T. She killed herself. She will never stalk, harass or bully people I know again.

Yet I feel guilty, T. I avoided her whenever she tried to chat with me. I was never mean or rude but she knew I was uncomfortable around her.

Why do I feel upset?

Be nice to me today, T? Try to understand?

Dear t,
When I said my talkative Ness goes up and down and I don't always say what I need. That I hide well, I was talking about then. I needed to say "I'm not okay" but didn't know how to say it or explain it. I talked about my soul crushing anxiety but didn't use those words because I didn't want you to think I believed in a soul because I don't. why couldn't I talk for real? I talked and it wasn't fake but the urgency and desperation wasn't represented.

I know I'm infuriating, but please... Be gentle with me?

Dear T,
I'll do my best not to panic and cry throughout our entire appointment like I did last week. Hope you don't mind that I'm bringing some reading material for you--think it's been a little while since I've done that. Hope you also don't mind that I sent that e-mail to MC instead of you--but I'd also told much of that to you last week, albeit in a rather disjointed way between sobs and panic. And it's cold today, so I can wear that hat again that you said "looked so cute" last week.

And I may want another hug--hope that's OK.
Love,
LT

Hey T. Thanks.

i caught myself staring at you while you were talking, and i was really looking at you- thinking.... here is this person, this man, that i have become obsessed with. and why? it was like i just saw you as anyone else for a moment. all the transference and illusions dropped away and i just saw you for you. it was an interesting feeling

hey LT

why have you stopped posting about your sessions with your MC in the In Session thread? i enjoy reading them

Me too!!

LT – I never post but just wanted to say that I have been missing them too and have gotten a lot out of reading about your experiences. Hope you are okay.

Didn't realize they were so in demand! :-) Mostly just been busy. Can post about Monday's later tonight, though that one wasn't overly eventful. I did end up really weepy on the way home and ended up sending him a long, rather pathetic e-mail about all this stuff I wanted to bring up in session but didn't, partly due to time, and partly because I was afraid to (about stuff going on with me, not about my attachment/transference). Like about how much I'm actually drinking, how I'm using that and buying clothes as a sort of escape/way to feel better about myself. Asking him for advice on how to feel better about myself and how to sort of "fix me" so I can be a better wife and mother.

He responded very kindly and thoughtfully last night. Perhaps I'll take this over to the "In Session Today" thread... Might write about my T one from today later, too--it ties in well with the e-mail, since I showed it to her.

Dear T,

Now I don't know where you are this all seems much harder. Last week, I knew roughly where you were, so I was checking a webcam in the city, just to see that it was all still there I guess, but now it feels like I have lost you. I don't know where you are and I can't check and I am finding that very difficult.

I have decided I will open your letter this weekend I think. Possibly on Mother's Day. I might go somewhere specific too, because I have one of my very very few good memories of time with my Mum there. I think it would be a nice thing to do.

Dear T,

I haven't been feeling so well despite yesterday's awesome session, but I've been spending my time looking at cute animals online. I've decided I want to buy a finger monkey!! but I can't afford $5000 per monkey. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...98f7e7b557.jpg

Sloths are cool too. They always seem happy and fun.

I need a pet. I have no pet.

Looking forward to seeing you next week on Tuesday. I'm sure you will brighten my day.

Yours Truly

T,

I'm so exhausted. Moving and functioning takes so much energy. Maybe that's my body telling me that I have to stop.

Although I should be used to it by now.
Maybe I should go IP for a while... but then, I don't really need that and it's only for people being in a really bad state or in a crisis.


Anyway, only 2 weeks to go before seeing you again...
Me

Hi t don't be mad about what i just emailed you i don't understand myself at all right now i want to talk about what's going on but feel myself wanting to push you away instead and that voice inside telling me not to come friday... what gives, t?

Wow t. Thanks for calling. I will definitely be there friday. I love how you just "get" me.

I'm not sure , I think I am paranoid. ..who knows. I wish you would tell me

So I guess your eyes are blue-grey then, huh?

I bought a hamster recently and she is so adorable. Keeps me company. I love her. She is called Poppy.

Dear CW,

I am in bad shape. And pretty much no one cares.

ATAT