Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I do! (this 8 character thing is super annoying)

Dear L,

I had more memories for you today, they just sort of spilled out of me on the spot-- Now I'm remembering you said my defense of my mother was setting an extremely low bar for standards of care, and it's been a few hours since the session now, and instead of letting that sink in, I'm sure I was making the memories up, or maybe I'm leaving out good parts where my mother cared for me, or I don't know, I'm just so confused about what really happened and I'm afraid I'm lying

I know - I didn't mean people on here.

My t's eyes are kinda blue-grey too. Pretty.

we/i do..what can we do?

Oh T,

I just don't know what to do with you. You are the right amount of calling my crap out and understanding. We can joke with each other, and I can be honest with you. Yet, I am still waiting for you to be a jerk. Turns out anytime I think you are being a jerk you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for what you did and it wasn't you being jerk at all.

I was thinking about all of the expenses I will have once H and I split and I started to panic, I realize I probably won't be able to afford to see you. Which would be a really crappy time to stop seeing you. Ugh, I suppose we should have that conversation sometime in the near future. I am so scared, T.. but thank you for saying my big decision isn't irrational and that it all makes sense. Thank you for understanding me, thank you for not banning me from emailing you and texting you (not that I text you all that often anyways). Thanks... now please don't turn out to be a jerk.

Healed

Nothing, really...you guys make me feel like someone hears me, and that helps a lot.

I hope your recovery is going well.

((ATAT))

T,

Weird how that odor of over-confidence shriveled into embarrassment so quickly.

Now I know you've been screwing with my head. Odors don't shrivel.

Me.

T,
Don't forget to write my letter and get me a rock!

3 more sessions to go...

But I think I'm coming to terms with it. Now don't get all happy! It's still difficult for me. But my gut says that I can trust you. I thought I could trust ex-T, but I missed signs along the way. We haven't really had problems with our relationship except for the first couple months (but we don't count those anymore).

Dear P-doc,
Kinda regretting sending you that e-mail last night, but I know I need to tell you about that stuff today, like T said. I know chances are you won't read the e-mail before our 10:30 appt., but by knowing it's sitting in your inbox, I'll feel obligated to talk about what I've been doing/feeling. I have this paranoia that you're going to suggest hospitalization or intensive outpatient or alcohol treatment, even though I'm not a danger to myself or others. I think it's just because a previous p-doc did that.

Please be kind (you seem to be so far, but I haven't been seeing you that long). At this point, from you, I'm just looking for different meds that might work better (and T and MC can help me with the psychological stuff).
Thanks,
LT

do you hate me?

why wont you tell me..

you **** me up so much.

i am sorry...

i just emailed you. i know i am missing you because i am wanting the comfort and safety you provide. pain is higher right now and i wish i could rest my head in your lap, cry, and have you sooth me until meds kick in, it goes away, and i fall asleep.

i hope i caught you in time to get a reply this morning.

my guess is he won't tell you that because he won't lie to you.

So he does hate me and doesn't want to lie and say no???

I think Elio means he won't tell you he hates you because that would be a lie. Sorry you're struggling JD

I'm so depressed and I'm at work, I don't know how to do this, I'm trying my best...I have next to no support irl, and T doesn't seem to want t o help

What do you think would help you? Is there anything you can ask T for that might help?

He won't answer me. He has stopped answering texts on his days off...which are thurs thru sun
.I'm on my own right now

Okay. I wonder if it would be worth thinking about discussing ways which you can take care of yourself on his days off when you see him o Sunday? I know that doesn't help very much right now but hopefully so you start to feel less alone between sessions when you're struggling.

I mean thurs thru sat

I asked him to tell me if he hates me or notnplease, because I'm rly struggling with the thoughts about that. He will not answer me though

I just gotta suck it up and be an adult

I chewed up half a prn

exactly what i meant. thank you echos.

Dear P-doc,

I feel like I hit the p-doc jackpot with you. You didn't freak out after my e-mail and try to get me into alcohol treatment or something. You believe that technically subtherapeutic doses of meds can help people. You aren't bothered that I have some meds I've been prescribed but never took and you get that I tend to be nervous about trying new meds. You do 25-minute med checks, so there's actually time to talk about stuff. You don't seem judgmental (you might just have a really good poker face!). And, you are good with e-mails, and even said you appreciated the amount of detail in mine! (Of course, T probably said that at one point, too...) So, thanks! I was worried for no reason, as usual.
--LT