Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear Dr S, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by your lack of a response. You have said that you can't guarantee responses on the weekend. I'm a little sad though that you didn't respond. I know that you say your lack of response does not mean the I don't matter. And I'm not sure that I think it means I don't matter, I just don't get that 'uplift' that comes when I get a response. Maybe we should about what that is, and maybe how else I can get it. I love you and miss you, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. -me

Dear CW,

I am struggling badly and I could use some encouragement from you tomorrow. Or at least a sign you can be more than "meh."

ATAT

It's been a long week. Still two days till I see you.

Dear T,
i know you allow calls in case of emergency, but i'll never call you.
Because i have a fear of calls and because i don't want to bother you. And because i don't know what to say...
Last time i was in a waiting room, and your patient called to reception, so you called him back. I wish i were as brave as he is...

I don't know what to tell you on Wednesday. I just want to quit. I want to disappear.

Please call... dial the number, take a deep breath and then hit the call button I'm sure he'd rather have you call than having you suffering so much...

Not long now T, not long. And yes to Friday morning please. I hope I haven't missed out by not contacting you again. Didn't want to bother you, but maybe I should have. Not sure though, because can't imagine you seeing anyone before me so it can't get booked up, can it?

I think I am looking forward to seeing you.

Dr. S, Bad night pain wise. I've been up since 2am. Do I bother to email you with the info? I am tired, I cannot get comfortable.

I have initial visit with T2 today too. I'm nervous or uncomfortable about it.

I want to email you. What's the purpose?

-me

Life's thrown me a real curve ball, T. And just as things were going well. Why did I Google him? Couldn't I just be happy that things were going well?

Sawing,
With my jaw tooth down.

Guarded,
Down upside frown.

I'm, I'm looking for a pill,
Something to ease my will,
A kick in the teeth.

You, You may not realize,
When it's done or why,
But it may be the best thing, it may be the best thing.
Oh and it may be the best thing.

Pulsing,
With a familiar pain.

A comfort,
From this disdain.
Grind away.

I'm, I'm looking for a thrill,
Something to ease my will,

You, You may not realize,
When it's done or why,

But it may be the best thing, it may be the best thing.
Oh and it may be the best thing

I want to cry...

The closer I get to seeing you the more anxious I feel. I'm scared of having the space to explore these feelings. I'm scared of what they are.

Dear R,

Last night was hard. This week is going to be the test...I'm wondering how the hell I get through, per usual. Never mind how any of this is going to work if I get that job. I want to give myself permission to feel this, but the people around me make that somewhat difficult.

Roll on the 20th.

T,

Who invents a therapy for traumatized people that involves sitting so ****ing close to them?

Just sayin'.

-Argo

I had a nutritionist that would sit very close.to me. It felt suffocating

I love you T

I think I'm...grieving.

Will seeing you make it all better?

T - I did well at Tai chi class this morning. Anger is such a problem but it feels rather middling now. And you asked what it would be like to not have that trauma ? Well , we have time and space to explore that - because I have no idea ( but I'm sure you do ). What a rock you are. See you tomorrow.

EMDR? Why does he have to sit so close, unless he's using knee- or shoulder-tapping as the stimulus? No. 2 said she always stayed her normal distance away by using a light bar or buzzers or moving her finger.

I wish I could tell you what I really need to talk about.. but I'm afraid of your reaction so I probably never will

Hi T,

I am tired and I want to go to bed but Poppy won't go into her cage quietly. She keeps biting the bats and I am afraid that she will hurt her nose so I have stayed up to let her play. I really must go to bed soon though. I have finished and wrapped your picture. I hope you like it. I hope, also, that you did actually have a nice time away and that no disasters happened, because if you didn't have a good time it would be a reminder of bad rather than of good.

I made you a card and matching little paper gifts too, which I also will bring with me. Just trying to write in your card and pretty lost for words really, other than what I have written.

See you in 9 hours.

Good memory, ATAT. From everything I've read, the T's moving fingers are supposed to be 12-18 inches away from your face, and he seems to have taken that instruction to heart.

There are other ways to do emdr...like atat said. My T uses a light bar, sensors that you hold, and even an emdr app program played on a tv

Thank you, JDNA. I've read about alternatives but don't know much about them. I'm sure T and I can discuss it if it continues to be an issue.

I appreciate ya'll's responses. It means a lot

I had headphones that played alternate beeps, so my T stayed where she always sat.

Hey T--i loved hearing those stories tonight. You are even cooler than I thought