Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear R,

Think I jumped the gun saying yes to a break after next week. It's not just the 3rd, after all...it's the 8th, and then the 15th. I have booked that mindfulness meditation class on the 8th, and hopefully that will help, but...gah, my mouth and my brain don't seem to be connected at the moment.

The choose your own adventure brigade are asking me whether this is helping, and I truly don't know. I think a break is the only way I can know, but...really, now?

Dear t,

I felt weird asking for an appointment on the 4th. However it worked out for the best. I didn't even have to explain or talk to you.

Dear T,

I'm f_cking losing it. I'm going to snap.

I feel like a huge f_ckup (probably because I am since I keep f_cking up at work). I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

I'm missing meetings or showing up late to them.

I feel so careless -- i.e., "well, I keep f_cking up, so what's the point in trying anymore?" So my carelessness doesn't help.

I've also been having difficulties concentrating on my work. I have literally done NOTHING in the past week and a half. I wish I were exaggerating. I mean, whenever my team asks me for progress updates, I come up with some BS as to why I'm still working on it. I can't keep doing this

I've had some thoughts today about the pic of you when you were young and my reaction to it. The psychological thought was that if I have really early attachment towards you, seeing you at a 'fatherly' age might have stirred those feelings in me and created the strong reaction (which my adult brain made sense of as attraction).
The simple thought is that here's a man I love, who cares for me and with whom I share everything, in a younger, bearded package. Why wouldn't I find that attractive?? Pretty normal reaction really and probably not worth analysing to death.
The truth is I think it's a mixture of those things and probably other layers too, but those were my thoughts.

Dear T,

I don't think you've chosen a career you can be successful in. People's lives are on the line and you shouldn't even be in charge of a pet rock, let alone a person.

T, what you said on that quick phone call yest was exactly perfect for where I'm at right now about you. I am in awe that you knew exactly what to say.

Dear T,

I finish my nights tomorrow and I am pleased about that. I have another craft fair on Saturday. Didn't hear back from my friend about Sunday, but never mind, I will just go on my own instead. It would have been nice but I understand. Why would she want to spend the day with me, after all.

Missing you and hoping that you are having a great time. I think I might have my work cut out to get this picture finished in time for you coming home but I will do my best, and I think you will like it when it is done.

I opened the envelope today and looked at the card you gave me. I didn't read what was inside, but I did peek to see that you had written something and I was grateful to see that you had written on both sides of it. Thank you. I will read it tomorrow, at the halfway point, after everything is done for the day and the house is clean and tidy. I will sit with a glass of wine, cuddling the Bear that you lent me and read the words that you have kindly and, I am sure, considerately, written for me.

You do care about me, don't you. I love you.

T,
thank you for not being mad at me today when I told you the secret I have been keeping for months. I thought you would be upset or say you didn't trust me, but you told me it was okay and didn't focus on the fact that I withheld it from you, we just talked about it. Thank you.

Dear T,
Sorry about the text. Just ignore it. Well, them, I guess. I'm OK. Sorry if I made you worry.
Love,
LT

Dear CW,

We haven't even discussed my mother yet, but if she were on the table as a topic for therapy, I would tell you that she's now twice ignored comments from me about the awful side effects of the Lupron and then also my response to her request for an update on my sprained thumb. I mean...huh? I am finding it hard not to snap at her over this. And I can't even begin to know how to fix it.

And like all therapists on the topic of my mother, you would then sink in your teeth and not let go and we would never get around to talking about what I need help with now. So I won't be telling you that.

ATAT

PS And I am pretty sure that my dead parent would have responded and showed concern.

Dear Dr S, I wish you could take care of me as I imagine. It has been harder day today. Thank you for the email. I love you. -me

I'm enjoying thinking (in a fantasy way) about your question how would I express my attachment if there were no societal/professional constraints. It's quite fun.

Dear T,
I said I'd like to hug you before I...you know...but you don't deserve it.
You said "Well maybe we'll hug one day... Maybe in the next life". And I was like huh? We've already hugged 3 times. Did you change your boundaries about hugging?? Did you?? It's very sad. I can't stop overthinking.

I also said I want to cry but I can't, and you told that your cried during your own therapy session last time (guess you meant supervision). IT TOTALLY TOTALLY MELTED MY HEART! Thank you for sharing... It's very important for me.

You said now it's easier to deal with me than before. Does it mean I was terrible before? I'll never know...

I didn't tell you I love you again... Maybe I'll never tell you

I can tell you here: I LOVE U

me

Dear T,
Thanks for responding, even after I sent the "never mind, I'm OK" text. You gave me some good stuff to think about. And I appreciate the support.
Love you,
LT

I really want to email you but have absolutely no reason to do so. I guess I can add 'email you a lot' to my list of unrestrained little echos's expressions of attachment.

Really, t, in the next life? Do you hate me that much?

Try telling. I told my T. She thought I loved her romantically so I clarified on all the types. I asked if she has "agape love" for me and she said yes. My heart is full and I want to share with you.

Clarify with your T on the hug boundary. I thought T was going to take hugs away last session. She said she thinks she never will but we'll discuss if anything ever needs to be taken away (like her reassuring me, I told her I'm hurt and we talked).

It's OK to love someone safe, kind, good, steady for us like T has been.

Captgut, please please clarify with your T. Your hurt is completely valid (I know it is agonising). Tell T. It's likely he would want to hug you but is scared of what his supervisor might think. My ex T felt she broke rules by hugging me. Tell him you're hurting. Your hurt is important

This is always my favourite way to express this stuff

Here are all the things I'd do
If I could make demands of you
If my attachment could be shown
And shouted through a megaphone.

- I'd email you ten times a day
Then probably some more
If you don't answer right away
I'd show up at your door.

- I'd come to session early
And I'd leave the session late
I would just stay on your couch
And see how long you'd wait.

- I'd ask you if you loved me
And I'd tell you I love you.
I'd pull your arm and tug your shirt
Till you said you loved me too.

- I'd shout and cry and bawl and scream
For no reason at all
And you'd stay quiet and hold me tight
As though I were quite small.

- Or we could sit in silence
And perhaps I'd read a book
Occasionally I'd check you're there
With a word or glancing look.

So yeah, that's sums up nicely
What the little me would do
If she had freedom to express
This attachment towards you.

beautifully stated!!

This is great! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks! I emailed it to T. Finally got myself an excuse to email him

Ahhhhh, that's so good Echos!

!! Echoes, I told T today that little me wants to hang onto her leg tightly! And you wrote about hanging onto your T's arm!

It's an image that keeps coming into my mind at the moment too!