Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I wanted to yell "aha!" But I opted for a thank you for telling me. It was hard because I basically had to say "remember that time you lied to me?" Awkward but worth it.

Ps he was afraid I was going to come out as a Trump supporter. Really! I emailed him a heads up that I had something difficult to talk about and hoped he didn't end up hating me.

And...........he could've also come out as a Log Cabin Republican.

That would've really been putting the cherry on top (no puns intended, of course).

Lol. That would have been an m knight shalimon worthy plot twist !!

Ooo I like Kashi more and more !

That's cool that he felt trusting enough to share that with you =)

The nyquil commercial makes more sense now.

V, I need to tell you so many things but I feel you don't want to hear what I want to say. I don't know why I feel like that. I just want you to care... What you said last time about "people usually don't do what they love as a job, they do it in their free time" triggered me so much, I felt so angry and still have self destructive thoughts when thinking about this. I want to write you an email about this before our next session, I want you to know how much this hurts...

L don't be surprised if I start on Friday by saying that I'm sorry. I don't know if you will understand why, but I am.

Knew it!! Bi men face a lot of stigma, probably why he previously said he has a wife because most people would assume heterosexual from that because bi erasure. I'd be so honoured if my T was queer and told me <3

Thanks qm. I am honored that he trusted me in return. Both are true. Married to a woman and bi. Love this guy!

<3 I really like kashi too hehe, he sounds like an open and authentic T.

Dear T,

I love you. I want to love you without possessiveness or envy. I want to be able to hold onto feeling connected. I don't know how to want less reassurance and I'm scared you got sick of me by my seeking reassurance.

Regarding last session about how I guess at your issues and beat myself up with them because I feel I'm an added burden, I hope I can read my apology out to you. I didn't consider how you may have felt, despite once having been in a really enmeshed friendship. I didn't understand until you shared that feels unfair to you that I cause myself pain over your sharing on social media. I hope you can accept my apology when I next see you.

Dear ?,

Suddenly I am struggling again, badly, after a relatively good few days. I am not changing course, though.

And I really don't want to see Cactus Woman tomorrow. I dislike her talk of "after a few sessions I'll let you know if I can help you." None of the others ever did that; they were with me from the get-go.

ATAT

Dear Dr S, I miss you. There is no seeing you tomorrow. I'm doing ... I have no clue how I am doing because there are too many feelings going on at the same time. I love you. -me

Why can't you see Dr S tomorrow?

T-

If you don't say something soon, I don't know if I can come on Wednesday. The unknown is too scary.

You'd be proud of me today T

Way past my bed time. Haven't cried so much in years.

Dear Dr. S,
28 hours and counting to check in. I so should have asked for an anti-anxiety med at my last session. I have to say that I don't think I expected this level of stress since it has been something I have wanted for over 20 yrs. I've been told this is normal, what I am experiencing is typical and understandable given the procedure. Unlike my last surgery where I didn't want to do it at all; this one, I just want to get it over with and I hope it is not a mistake. And I am more scared than I've ever been with a surgery.

I think there is a level of being afraid of a let down because I want it so badly. What if it doesn't help, doesn't let me feel what I think/hope I will feel? What if I still can't look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me?

- me

Because the clinic is being remodeled and each therapist ended up with small chunks of time in the temp location. My t ended up with Wednesdays hours only. My twice a week in this clinic is an exception for my t as she usually only practices here 1 time a week. The rest of the time she's at a different clinic that I cannot use; however, when we were thinking about going to twice a week, she found open space in this clinic for me (the Monday slot is the extra space).

And on last session, I was going to ask for an exception so that we could meet for a walk or something. Then her pager went off, and well... it kind of swashed any courage to ask for something, anything.

Dear T,

I am doing OK right now. Missing you though, and wondering when you will be moving on and where you will be going. I feel settled now because I can check on you and know that things are probably OK, but I am not sure how it will be when I cannot do that.

I am at about 80% believing that you are coming back.

I want to email you, with the good and the bad. I want to share it all with you. It's hard to fit it all into an hour a week. There's so much more I want to share with you.

I want to email you but i won't.

New T,

I'm so nervous to meet you. I'm still paranoid. I'm going to try to talk but no promises.