Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear CW,

Lying in bed weeping. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death, one of those "significant" anniversaries that ends in 5 or 0. He will have been dead more than 40% of my life. And I'm not even forty yet.

And yet I just couldn't talk to you about it this week. Maybe you're too new to me.

ATAT

Dear Dr. S, Thank you for replying to my email tonight. I love you. -me

The next session can't come soon enough. It's hard having nobody to talk about this to.

Uhm T,

I'm scared of myself.

I'm missing you. And I feel angry at myself for that. I don't want to repeat this attachment pattern and I don't want to depend on you. It's a good thing I can't email nor text you. I'll be seeing you in exactly 9 days since you're taking a week off.

Really feeling like I need loving comfort from you right now. I want to sit right at your side, holding your hand and just nestling my head into your neck. That is what I need. No words, just safety. Just knowing that you are there.

Have you finished reading my journal yet? I don't expect you to tell me that you have. I want you to, but I don't expect it.

I have missed you, dearest T.

art T,

is this wanting to flee the group ever gonna get better?
I don't want to go. Because I want to go back to individual sessions. I feel horrible afterwards, not just for a few hours but for days. All this stuff really throws me off balance.

I understand that there is important stuff coming to the surface. My not-so-nice-side getting into the open. Things like wanting to get out the chain saw... Yet: This group experience is totally de-stabilizing. Which I cannot cope with right now.

So I want to get out of this. But one question is still haunting me: How do I know what is mere resistance to the process, because I just don't like it and how do I know that this is just not doing any good or is even harmful? I know I tend to stay in unhealthy situations far too long. And I know I have strong tendencies to avoid whatever I deem to be dangerous. But how do I know which is which?

still hurt, angry, and confused,
c_r

Hello t. That diagram you drew really explains for me the complexity of this relationship - the why it can feel so convoluted- because there's so much going on when we're sitting across from each other. And I'm sensitive to a lot if it w/out really knowing where it's coming from and now i do.

I want to have some contact with you. I won't, because I know that I can wait, and I also don't want to do anything or receive anything from you that would change how I am feeling right now. I want to come feeling like this. Like I have missed you and like I am kind of OK with seeing you again.

Only kind of OK, mind you. I need to figure it all out first. I need to see that you are still you. That's why I won't bring the picture with me. I need you to prove that you deserve it. I am not sure about how that will sound, but it is how it is for me.

What shall we do? I will bring the list of things that are me, the bit that I took out of the journal. I think that could be interesting. Other than that, I don't know. I wonder if you will have any thoughts on my writings, other than what you sent me last night.

Enjoy the next couple of days, I just wish we could get this meeting over and done with to be honest, and get back to normal again.

T,

I dunno whether I regret impulsively confessing via text that I recorded that first Safe Space imagery exercise we did.

I know it was unethical. I know the law in our country allowing this doesn't make it right.

It was very valuable for me to be able to rehear it in our early sessions. I haven't listened to it in dozens of sessions now. I want a record of your caring voice and this is it.

I'm sorry, T.

I bet your T wouldn't mind!
Can you ask if it's ok to record? Mine suggested it.

I could ask, I don't dare to since I did secretly record.

Glad your T suggested, have you found it helpful?

I'm 2 weeks off opiates.

I wish you'd tell me you're proud

Oh well... I'm proud. I guess that's what matters huh

I find it really helpful - sometimes when I'm really emotional, I can't really hear what T is saying, but I can get it when I listen afterwards.
Actually I recorded a few times without asking T. Then T suggested it - so I knew he didn't mind. So I didn't worry, and I carried on doing it. I can't imagine it being a problem, as long as you keep it private and don't share the recording with anyone.

Could you ask him if he's proud? I've done that before

And you ought to be proud! You've done so well

No... I won't ask him

Dear T,

My mood is all f_cked up again. I wish you were here

I started Ritalin on Thursday and it did not make me manic, which is good news, I guess.

Maybe I'm just experiencing withdrawal from Ritalin. I don't f_cking know and I'm at the point where I don't even f_cking care. I just feel like complete sh_t.

Why did I f_cking schedule an appointment on Wednesday when our normal ones are on Tuesday? Now I have to wait an EXTRA day. f_ck me. Why am I such a failure at life?

Also, I'm a f_cking moron. I set up our Wednesday appt for 7:45am. What the F_CK was I thinking? I always go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 8am due to Seroquel. Jesus christ. I'm f_cking losing it. I don't know if I want to keep it or reschedule it.

Dear jDNA's T,

It would be helpful to jDNA to hear how proud you are of her work in maintaining her sobriety. Don't forget that encouragement and support is still a major part of your role in her life even in this shifting dynamic.

Dr. S (E's T)

PS, E tells me - She looks up to you as a father figure and that part of her needs to know how much you care about her.

There you go jDNA - let's see if the words find him before your next session.

It still matters what T thinks - he is important to you. It is important (more? hard to say for us) what you think. Don't beat yourself up for wanting him to be proud of you. Instead see what you have allowed to happen, the connection you have allowed to be created between him and yourself. From what I have read, you don't let too many people be close to you. You have let him be close to you and that comes with a whirlwind of emotions. One of them is the desire to have him be proud of you. Nothing wrong with that at all, in my book.

Dear Kashi -
Sometimes it is nice to sit in the presence of a kindred spirit. Not in the mood to do any work but thanks for saying I always do anyways. Thanks for the fidget toy!!! I just wanted to try it I didn't mean for you to give up yours. But you are always generous with me. Showing me your clergy card was a surprise but no I don't hate you for it! It sounds like you did it to marry lgbt friends who might otherwise be shunned from the church. Then this atheist approves!! But you don't need my approval. Love ya!

Hey t. I may have to admit to you that i have realized that I do love this relationship, even tho i often call it convoluted and stuff. I really do. I have found such healing within this "us" and I needed to get to this. Thank you for patiently waiting me out through all my fits/temper tantrums, whatever you wanna call them. And, thanks also for those times you've momentarily lost patience and let your frustration show - like i told you the other day that makes me feel like you trusted me with more of yourself than the perfect t persona. You've been "real" and the world didn't end. Maybe i can be real, too.

T,

You're only one or two years older than me. Why do I look at you like a parental figure I so desperately want love from?

As peers, you're so much more accomplished than I am. University degree, prestigious doctorate, many friends, loving confidants as close as your loving family. Wonderful coworkers, great clinical supervisor.

T,

Today was the first time that you've seen the sullen, angry version of me. I wasn't terribly cooperative in session, and yet, you didn't hesitate to rush to my side when I was in distress. Even when I came back inside, I said I didn't trust you. Despite all of this, you were kind, caring, and nonjudgmental. Thank you. Maybe it is possible for people to care about me.

T,
You know how I said I need you to act like an adult and learn how to manage your time and your schedule better. The lateness I can get by because I know you run your sessions when you feel like the client is done and not the clock. But- this, ohhhh I forgot I scheduled for 8am crap just doesn't fly. If you are incapable of making it to an 8am appointment then don't schedule them. And your receptionist told me Friday I just shouldn't so I know not to do that anymore.

Also, I am feeling guilty about all the other people's time slots that got messed up. I am pretty sure that your 9am appointment was not cancelled- and I didn't even start my appointment until 8:45. I hate that feeling.

Please do better!