Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

Personally for me, I'm more vulnerable and less inhibited when exhausted. I tend to present as smiling and "cheerful" (it's a facade I struggle to take off, including in front of MH clinicians because I get praised etc for being "upbeat") and downplay my struggles quite automatically. Plus I'm so called "high functioning" and am good at hiding issues, always been invisible because my twin was so much more visibly struggling.

So for me that kind of exhausted, self loathing spewed out against myself to T is real and a snapshot of how I really feel under all the people-pleasing.

When I please people, I feel gratified and my bad feelings go away so I'll be cheery and joking with my pdoc, GP etc since they reward it...and yeah, so that bombardment to T is pretty shameful and excruciatingly embarrassing but I think it's good for my T to know.

I think your stuff is real. Maybe the exhaustion lowered inhibitions. Maybe T should know because the pain is real and you deserve care and support

Hugs... I hope you feel better by now

Echos: you can do this when is your appointment?

I am <3 Sleep really helped

Thanks QM. I guess I will talk to him about it. I might even mention what you just said about tiredness lowering inhibitions. I'm slightly worried that the edge of some deeper feelings are being exposed here so I don't want to overlook that. Although I also really do want to overlook it!

Thanks Demunie. It's at 11.15 UK time.

I hear you on how effing scary deeper feelings are to expose. I believe the struggle you have in exposing such vulnerability to your T is part of the process of growth, and may your T be a steadfast and safe secure base for you. I'm sure when your own clients feel similar terror of vulnerability, insecure attachment, what you've experienced in your own therapy will enable you to deeply empathise and understand. ((Echoes))

The editor of the online magazine emailed me back. They are interested in my story, but they want it in 600 words from the perspective of forgiveness. I am not sure I can.

I think I do have a better idea than a lot of trainees about what this stuff really feels like, thanks for that nice thought.
One reason I'm so scared is that he had mistakenly thought I had found out his wife's name through googling him and he got very defensive. At this point I had had no interest in googling him and I found it really hurtful that he had thought I did. Now I have. And I'm scared it's going to reignite that defensiveness.

I hear that fear. I'd be terrified if my T got defensive in that way - the thought that she considered me a threat, and then if I were to go ahead and do that "deal breaker" thing. (It wasn't googling about her / the people in her life for me but something else)

Your fear is completely valid and realistic, and you're indeed taking a large risk . However your T may react, I feel googling T and people in T's life is really normal. I hope your T will be able to see the underlying desire for connection and other deep feelings behind your googling and not close himself up defensively.

I'll pocket ride and wish that your T has more of my T's non defensiveness.

Thank you. I could really use the pocket ride. Since that incident I have talked to him a lot about how I think therapists should accept that their clients will Google them. I've talked about it in relation to T1 (about how it's his responsibility to manage his online presence) and in relation to my own online presence too (and whether I might be googled) but I've never explicity said anything about his online presence (though the implicit message was there). I have to tell him. If anyone will be accepting it's him. My other fear is that he could think the hugging has increased the attachment and if he decided to change those kindsof boundaries it would change everything. Because therapists messing with boundaries in a rejecting way is not something I could tolerate.

I typed up a guide for my T on how to further lock down what I could see on her facebook account after I found it.

Tbh I've found her Flickr, her dissertation, news articles about her when she was a doctoral student, her twitter, her two instagram accounts as well as her facebook... and it was a done using basic googling...

Googling is something T's should expect, in my opinion, and also in my opinion I don't think clients mean to harm T by searching but simply just want connection.

I really hope your T reacts well. Mine did, even calmed me when I had a full blown panic attack trying to confess. She accepts that anything online can be discovered.

Would it help if you discussed with your T also about how you and him will approach potential boundary shifts?

My T has promised that she'll never give something she'll grow to resent and therefore "take away" but I and her have also talked about limits regarding them. Eg I can message her but not 50x each day but if I WERE, we'd discuss.

I had a huge rupture with her once questioning if hugs were therapeutic because I thought she was going to take them away. We talked and she explained.

Though fairly recently she said reassuring me is counter therapeutic and I asked if she'll take away hugs since I use hugs as reassurance that I'm not disgusting to her. She said we'd discuss... so maybe she'll take them away after all, but after a discussion at least.

I'm hoping your T will be encouraging of these difficult conversations on boundaries ((hug))

Just got back from the jobcentre! The lady processing our claim was really lovely - that made a big difference. Hooray for lovely people who do their jobs so well.

Absolutely having cold feet with regard to the letter I wrote for my T. I don't think I'm gonna be able to give it to him I sort of want to just give up and pretend everything's okay even though it's not...

Thinking of you, EM - you must be about halfway through your session right now.

luc, yes, yay for lovely people! Want a pocket rider for T? When you think that you won't give him the letter, is it because you genuinely don't think it matters, or because you are too worried about it? It sounds like it's the latter, and if so I shall prod you from inside your pocket until you do it. It only takes 20 seconds of courage (we used to say that a lot on the couch but I haven't heard anyone say it recently... still true though!)

Yes, your interpretation is correct - it feels very important, I'm just really scared to give it to him. I could definitely do with a prodding pocket-ride! I decided to do the letter because I thought "I literally just have to hand it to him, how hard can it be?", but of course it's not as simple as that! I like the 20 seconds idea though - that's about how long it'll take me to get it out of my bag and pass it over...

Thanks so much for the encouraging words! I bet I start giggling now imagining being prodded from inside my pocket, hehehe... that'll confuse T

I would have pocket-ridden, but guess your appointment is over now. Silly time differences. Hope it went well.

YOU WHAT?! I'm ironing my flouncing trousers...

Morning couchies!

Flouncing trousers.... hmm I'm trying to picture what those would look like. I am imagining something in a soft, flowy fabric that lays more like a skirt but it actually pants. So when the wearer flounces away, the fabric flounces as well.

(I'm just playing, luco, pls don't take offense! i haven't even read up on the couch to see what's going on. The mental image of "flouncing trousers" just grabbed my imagination is all! And i hope you stay!)

If I forget to close the door all the way, one of my cats (the big black one) comes in and sits on the toilet and stares down at me when I am taking a bath. I still have not figured out what in the world he is secretly planning.

My cat freaks out if I take a bath. I think he gets confused and thinks I'm in danger, haha

Why wouldn't you be in danger? i mean, it's water

so is it lying if i don't tell h i'm seeing t on friday?! i've always told him in the past when i have an appointment for whatever reason, just being courteous I guess, so he knows why i'm coming home late. but i'm off work that day this time and plan on going for a short hike in the morning before my session. i'm not sure why i'm even worrying about this with the way things are between us right now.

Hi Everyone, thanks for your good thoughts and wishes, they mean a lot. The session went really well, I was very brave and told him everything, even the slight creeping feelings of ET. He was great with everything. It all feels a lot less scary now.
I'll write up more fully on IST thread.

You don't need to tell anyone anything about your therapy. It is your confidential space and none of your H's business unless you want it to be.

I told my parents about my therapy (but I didn't mention my diagnosis) and I regret
They keep saying "it's a lie, you don't need meds, your t is wrong, we better know, mental illnesses are not real etc".
I want to leave my home and never come back.
And I hate being me, nothing new

No, it's okay - I was being definitely being silly myself! I agree with your mental image of the flouncing trousers... I guess I wouldn't actually want to iron them though, that might reduce their flouncing capacity...

That's... so adorable.