Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

Im home! Ugh, my zipcar was dirty AND had a badly cracked windshield. Fortunately they were able to switch me over to another car immediately. I was like, dude, take this car out of circulation now, it is not driveable!

Heard some nice 70s-80s oldies as i neared my hometown on the freeway, that was pretty cool. Pink floyd and cyndi lauper.

Ate lunch at Dennys (grand slam!) and did my grocery shopping. Now im pooped and gonna take a nap.

Home from t. Well, and driving around aimlessly for awhile afterwards. I ruffled her feathers a bit today, I didn't mean to, but I did. She got frustrated with me. She wanted me to come next week, but I said no, I can't, and she said who's voice is that and I said honestly well it is h and that part of me that demanded the break and didn't want to come today even after I'd scheduled. But part of me does of course want to come next week. The part of me that values the work I do there, that says to hell with money, do what you need to do, what is right for you. But I just can't let myself do that. So the stubborn part of me takes over and sides with the voice that says no you can't go. And we talked about that a little and she got pretty vocal there for a moment about how I need to stand up for myself to that part of me and to h and do what is right for ME.
I am so confused. I don't know what I want. Part of me wishes I had stayed on my break. Then the other part of me is glad I went today and wants to go weekly again. Navajo freaking rabbit!!!

Spring has sprung here in the Southern AZ Desert!

Yeah, so instead of thinking too much about my session today, I'll share some more pictures from this morning's hike:

Art - you also need to stand up for yourself to her too, no? You are the authority on what is right for you, not her.

and a few more:

True that!! Only problem is I know it continues to benefit me talking with her - and if I could just say the heck with worry about the cost, I would go every week. And part of me wants to do exactly that. I need to figure out which part of me is right.

How do I do that, couch?!

Art, sorry you had a rough session. I don't want you to talk about it if you're not ready, but just wondering if you discussed stuff about your H with T?

Beautiful pictures Art. It's hard to be in two minds about something, I think the right answer will come to you though. I agree that you shouldn't let what your H or T want factor into it - I know that's easier said than done!

Ah! Birmingham. Home of ... um ... um ... um ...

Well, home of the hotel where I'll be staying, and site of the conference I'll be attending. Good enough for me.

Ignore me if you don't want to talk about this yet. But if I kept having a similar persistent impulse to take a break from someone, I would start to think that was what I really wanted.

Also...is it her specifically you benefit from talking to, or would someone else do, so long as they were outside your regular life and showed compassion and caring?

Maybe ET is not for you? It sounds awfully abstract. Abstract is fun to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

Ah, I think you're thinking of the other ET! (existential therapy - not the extra-terrestrial)... It's this ET that I suffer with: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/ero...ansference.htm

...and no, it's definitely not for me. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like I have a say in the matter

Funny thing is, it didn't feel like a rough session at all - it didn't really bother me that she got annoyed, which I find interesting to say the least. Thanks for asking too - yes we did talk about the stuff with h, most of the session actually. She listened and offered some thoughts and ways to talk to him about it and suggested I try again with getting him into MC, and she also asked if I thought he'd go to a session with son if son asked, and i said I don't think so, but i don't know for sure. She thinks I should talk to h about how hurtful that comment of his was to me (the one about "isn't it enough that I haven't cheated on you?"). She mostly listened - didn't try to tell me what to do one way or the other which I appreciated.

Thank you for saying that (what I bolded). I think perhaps you just answered for me what the dream was about that t and I were working with today. I can't believe it! I didn't even tell you guys the dream! Dang you're good!

Hahahah, that's amazing! I feel inordinately pleased with myself it's like the universe has used me as an instrument...

I guess it all boils down to trusting myself. It felt so real and so from me when I demanded the break. It really did. But when the crap happened with h and son a couple of weeks into the break, and h said the hurtful stuff to me, I started doubting myself and what I thought I wanted and I went right back to her.

The 2nd part.... I don't know I really don't. That's a really hard question (thank you for asking it!) because I am still so attached to her. Not painfully attached anymore thank goddess, but attached nonetheless. We talked about that some today too.

I just hate all of this.

I just remembered something t said today. She said at one point I think it was near the end she said something like "This relationship is your work." I don't know that I really understand at all what she meant by that.

My first reaction was, your relationship with t is your work, as in your chosen creative output/object. Then i read all your posts about your session, and one of the first ones confirmed my feeling. Esp like with the sand trays - you make it a real burning man type project. Eta - somehow, even as a kid i always knew i would spend my life on the couch!

I "change ts" all the time - i just change my focus, and t moves along with me.

Write me a letter,
Send it by mail,
Send it in care of
Birmingham jail.

Birmingham jail, love,
Birmingham jail,
Send it in care of
Birmingham jail.



Oh...whoops...wrong Birmingham!

Plus, Crocus won't be anywhere near the jail...er, gaol...right, Crocus?

I am lucky and have had no side effects from any of my SSRI's. I will see my pdoc next week and I may bring this up to her and see what she says.

I never had any side effects when I was on Zoloft, it did what I needed it to do for me, but as I was going off of it, (with pdoc and t's blessing) I got brain zaps for a short period of time. They went away and never happened again.

What do you mean by a burning man type project? Guess I should google that?

una do you mean this?

I thought unaluna was referring to the Wicker Man the movie I don't know why I have never seen it