[Duckling000]

My T said this to me. In relation to a sexual assault I had told him about. As soon as he said it he took it back and said it came out wrong. At the time, I just snapped 'I did try' and told him how I was physically pinned down, then changed the subject.

But I stewed about it all week, and in this week's session I just let rip - all the anger I hadn't been able to express in therapy before, came out.

I've been seeing him for 18 months, and he said 'I hope we've known each other long enough that we can move past this' but acknowledged that he had damaged the trust.

I am still livid. I don't know how I can move on... My instinct is to no-show next week, but I know deep down that won't solve anything. Any thoughts or advice please?

[anais_anais]

Really tell him how you feel. What he said isn't something you can just smooth over and move past. Just reading it made me want to throw up.

I wouldn't no-show. I would march in there and let him have it, don't hold back. I did something similar over a thing my usually wonderful T said, where it was just off, didn't come out right, and it put me out of my mind. Well I went in and actually screamed and told him off like I've never done to anyone before, because there was nothing to lose. And we did make ammends over the next few weeks. His apology was deep and profound and he revisited the concepts and notions he held that led to him making that sloppy statement.

[Duckling000]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

Really tell him how you feel. What he said isn't something you can just smooth over and move past. Just reading it made me want to throw up.

I wouldn't no-show. I would march in there and let him have it, don't hold back. I did something similar over a thing my usually wonderful T said, where it was just off, didn't come out right, and it put me out of my mind. Well I went in and actually screamed and told him off like I've never done to anyone before, because there was nothing to lose. And we did make ammends over the next few weeks. His apology was deep and profound and he revisited the concepts and notions he held that led to him making that sloppy statement.

Thanks so much for your reply. I am scared if I go back I will scream at him - and then I won't be able to live with myself, because I'll feel like I'm the one in the wrong. It makes me feel sick too. He's never said anything remotely like that before.

When I called him up on it, his explanation made it even worse - he said he had been trying to get me to have more of a sense of agency.

Now all I can think is that he's a man - he will never know what it's like to be physically weaker than someone in a sexual situation. How could he said it? I already blame myself for what happened. I don't know how I can trust him now?

[lucozader]

WTF... That is a terrible thing to say. I would not be able to forgive him.

I don't think you should 'no-show', though. For your own benefit, I think if you're going to end this it needs to end properly, even if that means just making sure that he knows exactly how much he has hurt you and why you feel you can't continue.

It does seem a shame to end an eighteen month relationship, especially if it has otherwise been great... but... I dunno. I'm horrified that a therapist of all people could say something like that. I'm really horrified.

[Duckling000]

Originally Posted by lucozader

WTF... That is a terrible thing to say. I would not be able to forgive him.

I don't think you should 'no-show', though. For your own benefit, I think if you're going to end this it needs to end properly, even if that means just making sure that he knows exactly how much he has hurt you and why you feel you can't continue.

It does seem a shame to end an eighteen month relationship, especially if it has otherwise been great... but... I dunno. I'm horrified that a therapist of all people could say something like that. I'm really horrified.

Thank you... That really helps to know I'm not overreacting. It hurts so much. You slowly, slowly let down all the barriers and then get sucker-punched when you're at you're most vulnerable. He looked pretty horrified but made such a bad job of explaining why he said it, I actually felt worse.

I just think that comment will always be at the back of my mind. And it's childish, but the only power I have in this relationship is to stop turning. Ridiculous, I'm only hurting myself really, not him.

[ruh roh]

Oh man. After 18 months, this has got to be the worst. To me, it would not be recoverable, especially after his explanation about wanting you to have more agency. Find a better therapist and tell this one to eff off. Show him that's your agency in action.

[Duckling000]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Oh man. After 18 months, this has got to be the worst. To me, it would not be recoverable, especially after his explanation about wanting you to have more agency. Find a better therapist and tell this one to eff off. Show him that's your agency in action.

Ha - yes. Agency in action indeed. He actually had the cheek to say that it was a good session because I was at a 'whole different level' emotionally, presumably because I looked like I wanted to punch him. That also made it worse. That doesn't in any way make it better - he said something that hurt me, I got angry and upset, instead of dissociating/numb, and that's apparently progress.

I remember one of my therapists once said something that came out very badly. It wasn't what he meant to say, but it come out anyway and I had an immediate visceral reaction and started dissociating badly. He knew right away what had happened and worked to get me through that reaction, and he apologized profusely afterwards for his careless words.

We talked about what had happened and how it had affected me. I was able to get past it because I knew he had just badly misspoken; he would have never set out to cause me that hurt and felt terribly about it.

[childofchaos831]

I don't even know what to say... if someone said that to me, I would probably punch them... I am so sorry he said that to you...

[atisketatasket]

Does he actually think a word, said however forcefully, is going to stop someone bent on sexual assault?

How about you go in, say, "I'd like to punch you, yes or no?" He says, "no," you punch him anyway, and then tell him "you should have said no more forcefully."

(Actually I probably would not go back. I could accept careless words, maybe, although I don't see how your quote could be careless words, but not a lame-o "I wanted you to have more agency." That's just CYA, putting the therapist's ego before the client's need.)

[TishaBuv]

It struck such a chord with you for obvious reasons, but one reason is that you say you blame yourself for the assault, too. But, see, by your anger, you know you are not to blame. You know what happened and what it really was.

I had a similar sexual assault that I could blame myself for, too. But I just put it all out of my mind. That was my way of handling it. It caused me more problems later down the road.

Feeling that anger is good. It'll help you heal.

[stopdog]

I would quit and find a new one. I would call up, cancel and tell the therapist not to contact me again. I would not explain myself or attempt to justify my decision to the therapist.

My T said the exact same thing to me -when I was trying to explain how much I didn't appreciate him raping me

[Yellowbuggy]

I can't believe this came out of a therapist's mouth.

It feels non-recoverable to me, but at the same time I like that you are getting in touch with your anger. It took me several years to admit I was sexually assaulted, at which point I was able to redirect the anger away from me toward the perpetrator and other non-believers. I would attend the next session and continue to express your anger, then you can decide if you want to stay. Don't apologize for it.

[jesswah]

Careless and not thought out statements is one thing, but his reasoning about a sense of agency seems way out of line. For me trust would be completely lost and I'd be looking for a new T. I don't think you did anything wrong at all, letting him have it for a careless comment like that.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Yellowbuggy

I would attend the next session and continue to express your anger, then you can decide if you want to stay. Don't apologize for it.

I think if the relationship was good up until this point, use that relationship and your anger towards him and his comment to let all of that anger out. Let him feel the force of your "no, what you said was unacceptable" and "no means no" for what was done to you. Sure some of it will be a redirection of the anger from the person that assaulted you - what's the worse that will happen in terms of the relationship you have with your T?

It is just a suggestion and I can't say it is one I would do, it sounds good to me on paper (in theory).

The closest type of experience I have of t saying something poorly or maybe wrong all together; was when I kept calling myself stupid for not recognizing my gender and sexuality in my youth. She said, "what if you were stupid?" I guess she stressed about how I took it all weekend. She told me she was trying to encourage curiosity with the statement. At the time, it brought out my anger. I probably looked at her like I could have sliced her down with my eyes. I spent the weekend thinking about "what if I was stupid... what if I wasn't stupid" so in a way, it worked.

And regarding my gender and sexuality, yes there were big neon signs in Jr High that I just missed and no one, absolutely no one in my life directly acknowledged.

[here today]

I can see no good that will come of seeing this therapist again. But, then, I have tried and tried with T's in the past, and there may be no way to know for sure if you don't. I ended up feeling very used and "dumb" with the last T since I was paying out of pocket but if you are using your NHS maybe you don't have to pay anything.

The only "No" that can stop a sexual assault is one shouted so loudly that either the assailant gets spooked and runs off, or shouted so loudly that someone comes to see what's wrong.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

The only "No" that can stop a sexual assault is one shouted so loudly that either the assailant gets spooked and runs off, or shouted so loudly that someone comes to see what's wrong.

Some people freeze up. Sometimes they're drugged or their minds so messed with, they're dumbstruck.

I didn't mean it like that. I meant that the OP's T's statement of the OP not having said No forcefully enough is wrong - a mere No on its own will never stop anyone.

[East17]

Originally Posted by Duckling000

My T said this to me. In relation to a sexual assault I had told him about. As soon as he said it he took it back and said it came out wrong. At the time, I just snapped 'I did try' and told him how I was physically pinned down, then changed the subject.

But I stewed about it all week, and in this week's session I just let rip - all the anger I hadn't been able to express in therapy before, came out.

I've been seeing him for 18 months, and he said 'I hope we've known each other long enough that we can move past this' but acknowledged that he had damaged the trust.

I am still livid. I don't know how I can move on... My instinct is to no-show next week, but I know deep down that won't solve anything. Any thoughts or advice please?

Hi Duckling, I see that you are in the UK, have you considered contacting RASAC 0800 0288 022 they are supportive, confidential, impartial and most importantly, female...
However good a therapist is, I don't think a male therapist can even come close to understanding what you've been through.
Kind thoughts
E.

[Salmon77]

What he said was horrible and wrong, and his explanation is also horrible and wrong. I guess I might give it one more session for closure's sake, but I'd find a new T. If you are dealing with emotional fallout from a sexual assault, it's clear this guy is worse than useless.

[Moment]

Wow, that is pretty shocking. I'm sorry he said that to you.

He did seem to realize that what he said was bad, took it back, and acknowledged the effect it's had on you and your relationship.

If he's been good for 18 months, if it were me then I'd just be as angry as I wanted to be at him and let him have it for as long as I wanted. And see if we could repair things. But not until I had gotten out all my fury which might take a long time, really.

People screw up and, honestly, in therapy do weird things that sometimes not even they understand. That includes therapists who can find themselves acting out of character. It's possible that your therapist doesn't even understand why he said what he said and is equally horrified by it. If he takes responsibility and is nondefensive and is generally a good therapist otherwise, I personally would try to see if the relationship could survive. But you're not over-reacting at all, that's a horrible thing to say.

[88Butterfly88]

It's sexual assault if you didn't say yes, even if you didn't say no at all. Personally if it was me I'd find a new t. If you do a no show you would likely be charged, so I wouldn't, this terrible t doesn't deserve free money like that.

[88Butterfly88]

Also, wanted to add it seems by saying that t is putting the responsibility on you when it should be fully on the abuser. That's a red flag to me.