Couch 141: The Inversional Hexachordal Combinatorial Couch

I hope you feel better and have a good session.

Thanks yes I hope so

A friend stayed overnight to shorten a drive... I had very little notice but of course I was happy to help her, only... she's one of two friends who know anything about my past. Her favorite discussion topic is prodding me for details and then asking about the therapy tehniques and then comparing to her own trauma and offering life advice. She starts the convo with normal topics and then after a few minutes she'll get this concerned pout and lean in and say "Anais, you know I'm your friend and I want to know- how are you... doing?"

I hate this but she's just so insistent "because she cares!" and I don't want to create a bad atmosphere between us by clamping down.

Now she's gone and I'm left with all this stuff I brought up that usually only sees conversational daylight in the therapy office.

Morning coucharoonies! I just let my cat outside (the big black one that would live out there if we let him) (we have a walled-in backyard) and the birds are singing sooooo loudly this morning. i think they are happy that I bought bird seed again yesterday (i've been out for awhile!) It's a beautiful morning. Need to finish laundry today and start cleaning the house, maybe clean it tomorrow, and at some point start packing for our trip later in the week. I'll have a nice short week at work - off Monday for the holiday, then work Tues and Wed and half a day on Thurs. We're going to Laughlin, NV because h got 4 free nights again and he's going to play in a poker tournament. Tournaments are great because you can only lose the entry fee... it's not like a 'live' game where you just keep betting and betting or whatever. Y'all know how I am not a big gambling fan. And we're going to do some other stuff in the surrounding areas too so it's not just all about the tournament. It's an almost-free vacation, except for gas, the tournament entry fee, and only some of our meals (because we have several free buffet coupons).

I think I've finally gotten over the last of my being mad at t for changing my day so abruptly. Last night I really wanted to talk to her. I'm over that too. I'm starting to see it as a good thing. I'm seeing it as her helping me lessen my attachment to her. Of course I have no idea if that's what she's doing, but if it helps me to think it, Ima think it!

Have a good day couchies. JD I hope your session goes well and that you feel better.

Some time ago I donated a framed piece of my artwork to my psychiatrist's office. I had shown the receptionist pictures of my paintings and she expressed she liked them. I noted they needed artwork on the rather dreary walls so I brought with me a piece of work to my next session of which she was thankful. It has sat displayed on the wall since.

However, when I did so my psychiatrist seemed confused about my motives. He asked me very pointed questions I am sure were directed at determining if they were a sign of transference or some other inappropriate feelings on my part. I was humiliated. I suppose though this was something necessary to do. I still didn't appreciate it though.

I suspect that I might be a psychopath

I think a good number of those people question the motive behind gifts. Plus it could be viewed as you trying to take care of them/criticize their decorating/make their office what you like/be special because your X is on display and they look for reasons behind why a client wants that - I am not saying that is why you did it - I am saying it is why I think it is something one of those guys might decide to question.

I know.... recently I brought in a little (like one inch tall!) fabric butterfly to t and put it on one of the sand play shelves. I had bought like 4 of them on a card at the DOLLAR store (for heaven's sake) awhile back and stuck them around the walls of my desk at work because they are pretty. I was looking at them one day at work and thought, I should bring one of them for the sand tray at t's. I love doing sand trays, and I wanted to "give something back" to the sand play process I guess, because creating them has been so helpful to me. T was all "are you sure?" bla bla bla. I'm like t. It cost 25 cents. Yes, I am sure. And this is why.

I had (note past tense) a friend like that until recently. In my reluctance to disclose, she'd subtly or not-so-subtly set up a hierarchy of trauma and then compare our lives right now with her always coming out worse (X 20,000 times gawdawful thing happened to me but only Y 5,000 times awful thing happened to you -- and so, you went to grad school blah blah whereas I didn't [nevermind that she'd early on decided to focus on buying a house etc and basically make fundamentally different life choices than I did]). And yeah, all of it was under the guise of "I reallly care about you. We have a special connection. Even if you don't feel like talking to me, I'm going to keep persisting coz you can't deal with the goodness of my affection for you etc".

As therapy got more intense, I realized I just couldn't talk about stuff that had happened with just anyone -- my usual method of giving a detached short-bullet-pointed version of a few select things to tell other folks wasn't working coz everything got overwhelming. And so yeah, dealing with any of it outside session or unless I have a ton of time / space and nothing else to do became rather impossible.

I finally emailed her and said that I'm not okay with talking as I'm sorting my own crap out. I then blocked her number and email but that hasn't stopped her from trying.

I have very little regret about it -- I realized I can't deal with my own crap if I had to deal with stuff like that.

I am totally certain that a true blue dyed-in-the-wool psychopath wouldn't be making this disclosure.

But, since you have, can I just say that I'm totally fascinated and would consider it a rare honor to know you?

I gave my t drink coasters for his office like ten years ago. I was thinking about this the other day because they are still there! I feel like im a different person from the person who gave them to him. Its very weird.

AY took the words right out of my mouth. It's kind of like my daily dose of narcissism questions from Quora.com informs me that no narcissist would self-identify as a narcissist.

Also, junk, you have empathy, and it doesn't seem to be fake.

A while back I bought a used book online about breath awareness. It was 50¢ or something and I accidentally double-clicked or something because when I opened the box there were two books in there. The shipping was $3 so I decided to donate one to L since she was interested in the topic...

And then we had to tear apart the motives for me doing something unexpected like this, blah blah blah, finally I was like, you can just take the damned book, L! It was 50¢ and I don't want to pay to return it! I don't even give people gifts on their birthdays so you can rest assured I'm not trying to pull anything with you!

Then she smiled and put it on her shelf.

Bunch of weirdos

I don't think that cost of the gift is usually that much of their focus.

I fully admit I don't understand why people want to give therapists anything. I really never had an urge. I wouldn't want something there that she looked out and could identify with me. Plus for me, I would see it as inflicting things on people that I don't know -which is just not the thing I want to do.

I haven't given (and at least, for the foreseeable future, don't intend to either) current T a gift.

But, around Xmas, we ended up casually chatting about gift-giving from clients.

She said that yeah, she'll want to talk about it etc but apparently, won't refuse if it's not too crazy -- (assuming she was being honest) the only time she refused a gift from a client was when the client gave her some super expensive crystal stuff while at the same time being so hard up on money that they were unable to pay their bills. So, the disjuncture made her refuse it.

Hi thanks lol

One time my T told me that the kind of childhood I had is the kind that breeds sociopaths. That always stuck with me. I feel very little empathy for most all people. I'm worried about writing that here because I don't want people to hate me.. t says this probably comes from the complete lack of empathy for myself

Mini-poll time, something I need to decide on for the final divorce decree:

- how long would you guys keep paying to keep an ex-spouse's possessions in storage? I have been paying already for 18 months or so. It's not a lot, about $90/month, but I want it off my budget. What seems a fair amount of time to allow said mentally ill ex, location unknown, to pick up said belongings? A year from the date of the final decree?

- likewise how long would you give them to get off your cell plan? I'm not actually sure how much that is costing me, and I have found it useful to be able to check his phone records in case there's any indication he's coming near me. Six months maybe?

There are a few other entanglements like insurance for my car (his car is on its own plan), but that I don't have any compunctions about removing him from as soon as I have the decree to show them (though it won't save me money).

Am I being too generous? At least one therapist (3) thought so, before I even started proceedings. And where I'm really hung up is he's on my Amazon Prime account - uses the shipping, video, music features a lot (we can't see each other's actual account information like address, though I can see what he puts on the watchlist - I sometimes get the feeling he puts specific titles on there to send me a message). I can't bring myself to do the two mouse clicks that it would take to remove him, because, what if it's giving him some pleasure in what is so obviously a terrible life for him?

Atat, I don't have any opinions on the details but... not knowing the full story, I think you are being very kind.

Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on your outlook, I guess

Please don't hate me couchies

If you really want my opinion - it is to stop doing any of it now. I would check with lawyer first and if there is no legal reason why in your state you need to be doing any of it - I would stop everything or everything that could be stopped without divorce ramifications, and go on with life.

Being "nice" in divorce proceedings never made any client I ever heard of --happy in the end.
If both parties were reasonably amicable - that was different - that could work.

Couldn't agree more with 3 -- get out of all of it pronto.

If you feel too guilty about doing that, flip it around -- maybe your support / tenuous connection to him is preventing him from moving on and getting the help he needs?

It also sounds like a weird mind f--k? And, I'm not sure you need it (or if your guilt is eating you up about acting on your own behalf, consider that it may really not be good for him either?)?

It sounds like he's getting by financially thanks to savings or support of some other sort (i.e., doesn't have a job?)? So, I'm guessing he can totally figure out whatever else he needs (insurance, cell phone etc).

Seriously, just get out. Inform and then get the heck out.

P.S. I didn't get involved in so much depth (mostly coz a couple of friends freaked out when I told them I was considering doing it) but I had a similar experience in agonizing over how to support my brother. It was gawdawful to watch him sink in slow motion and I still have serious guilt pangs over it but (triteness alert) it reminds me a bit of this Mary Oliver poem.

I dunno -- you've shown a lot more empathy for a lot more folks than I have (ever will actually).

I generally like your T but that comment of his.....

If it helps, my general approach is -- eff other people and just work on being able to be nice to yourself?

I don't find that you lack empathy. I know you have helped me out and been supportive.

I've learned to mimic empathy from watching movies and people irl. I'm still not very good at it in person. People have told me I am intimidating when we first meet. Quiet.. Blunt.. Not very warm. I try to be better.
I just don't want peoplehere to think I don't care

Junk - we know you care. You once took the time to ask how I was after I'd had a rough couple days. You didn't have to do that, and that's not the sort of caring imitation teaches.

(That goes for you too AY.)

As with narcissists don't know they're narcissists, in my experience people who say "I care" or "I am a caring person," often are the ones who seem unempathic to me.