Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear T,

Have a fun two week vacation!
I know you need it. It'll be good for you.

(Don't gooooo...)

Dear therapist,

I dont think you understand the exploding into tiny pieces, it takes weeks to get them back together again and lots of lying on the bed just breathing.

Exactly....

I need to get out of this shame spiral.....

J,
I didn't react much when you said you were going to be gone for 3 weeks in August. I said I was ok. Well, I hope it's ok for me to be less ok today. I'm afraid to tell you, really. I don't want you to think I'm overly attached to you. I just had a hard time when you left last time for just 10 days, and I'm afraid of this being worse. Also, you're leaving right when my 1-month break from S is "up" and I'll have to decide if I'm ready to try talking to him again... I kind of think I won't be ready... and I'm scared to not have you here while I'm either dealing with the back and forth of deciding or dealing with trying talking to him again or..idk. I'm just sad. I'm scared to both not have you and not have S at the same time. I just hope you're ok w/ me bringing it up tomorrow after not really reacting Friday.

erased it

Dear Dr. S,

I love you. I still feel like the rules are there. This set are really hard to break for some reason.

Keep telling me the words. I need to hear them.

Love,
me

I don't understand :shakingfistatskyemoji:

Hi T,

I wanna give up so bad right now. This is literally killing me...

Me

Hugs. My inbox is open if you'd like a listening ear

Don't leave me here alone

T,

I just want you nothing else no-one else just you.

Oh, CW, that was not the way to renew our acquaintanceship.

Dear MC,
I feel like maybe you could have steered that session a bit differently. It felt almost like you were trying to trap me or something with the whole "OK, explain to him why you care" thing. Don't you realize that's a fruitless exercise? [It's like when I first learned your wife was sick, and we talked about how I cared about you, and that I wished I could be there for you and you had asked if it was because I felt like I had to give something back to you because you cared about me. (Of course, I pointed out that we did give you money...). And I was like, "No...I just care because...I care. I tend to care about people."] It just felt like I couldn't win in session today (I know, it's not about winning). Like everything I said was wrong. Anytime I tried to focus on H, it ended up about me. And you called me on it a few times. I hope you don't think I'm this selfish person...

Of course you had no intention of making me feel that way...but I do.

LT

Edited to add: Of course I e-mailed you. You had to be expecting that though...didn't tell you the trigger part of course.

I already feel like I'm a million miles away from you. And I won't see you again for a million years.

Dear M

On Weds I see you for the last time until Sept 7

For a moment I thought Weds was tomorrow and I started to cry

I have no idea what to do with this session and what to do without you

What if everything goes wrong again?

i hate when you dont respond to an email, it throws my anxiety into overdrive

Dear MC,
Maybe the real--selfish, of course--reason I feel upset is that I felt rather pushed aside during session. I was sitting there, sobbing hysterically, and you'd say a few things about how H wasn't referring to me as a person, just to a particular thing I did or didn't do. But mostly it was like, "We have to come back to H." Which, I get. At the same time, it felt like you were ignoring my pain. So maybe that's what this is partly about. But you're our marriage counselor--you're not supposed to be focused on *my* pain, but on what's going on in the marriage. But you've pretty seriously muddied that and blurred some boundaries there, so it's hurtful to me when one day you're calling because I'm worried about test results, and a few days later, it feels like you're just leaving me there sobbing on the couch.

Do I tell you that? I don't know...The last thing I want to hear right now is some line about boundaries. When I'm sobbing and in agony, I don't give a **** about boundaries--I want help.

--LT

Hi t. I had some more thoughts today that are kinda follow-up to the email I sent Saturday night. Don't worry, I'm not going to email you again this soon. It can wait until Wednesday. The email Saturday night was the beginnings of me realizing I was in a shame spiral and starting to fight my way out of it.

(((LT))) that sounds so hard, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thanks, Art. He just responded to my text (yeah, I sent an e-mail and text letting him know I'd e-mailed...he looks at texts more often), and I ended up saying a bit about the feeling pushed aside in my response to that. Hopefully he'll say something back... I added not to give the usual lines about boundaries because i get that intellectually--this is emotional.

oh hey t. are you sick of me hiding behind the pillow session after session? i know you pre-empted my email writing by saying you are not giving up on me, but what can you do if i give up on me?

RoboT,

I just had a thought. What will sessions be like after you come back from vacation? I don't know that they can be the same as before. I laid everything out for you in our last session. I was talking to a friend about it last week. To feel that level of rejection and abandonment must mean that I have a deep attachment to you. Sure, it's just a conduit for the feelings I have toward my parents, but it's still a feeling that I feel toward you. This has to be different, because I've never felt feelings like this before. There's a modicum of shame, but mostly it overwhelms me. I'm engulfed in feelings of love toward you.

Part of me doesn't want to go back, but I know that's not an option. Me quitting, running away from my feelings, just perpetuates the patterns I have with other people in my life. But can I trust myself to open up in the same ways I have? I felt so vulnerable in our last session. I don't know that I ever want to feel that way again.

12 days to go. It's really not that far away now. I've managed well. Better than I thought I could. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am a decently functional human being.

Daisy