He forgot my appointment!!

I'd like to begin by saying that this is one awesome group of people. You all have helped me in so many ways. I have been a frequent visitor here for about a year. So many of my questions have been answered. So many of my fears relieved.

My journey through the therapy process began a little over a year ago. It began as marriage therapy and is now individual. I have been seeing my T almost every Wednesday for the entire year. My appointment has always been 4:15. If he is going to be late, he will phone. Anyway, I'm sitting in the waiting room collecting my thoughts. He's late. No call. He will be in any minute, I assure myself. Finally, he walks in 20 minutes late with someone, another patient. The look on his face was total surprise.

Somehow my appointment wasn't in the rotation in his Blackberry. I've been coming here every Wednesday for a #$%&*!&* year and you can't remember? Of course I didn't say that, but I sure wanted to. I tell him I"ll just go. He says "You are not going anywhere. We still have 25 minutes." Said very nicely, so stupid me goes into the office. Once again I say I'll just go. He says we still have time. My thoughts are totally out the door and I'm leaning towards it. He begins and I can't really think of anything to say. Then after my 25 minutes "see you next week?".

Do I just "let it be"? I feel like if I do, I have made no progress. If I don't, I have made no progress. I do realize he's only human, we all make mistakes. But, I guess it's hard to accept being just another appointment in his blackberry. And why blame it on the Blackberry? How about, "I screwed up". I've spilled my guts every week. Cried a lot. Sometimes I've even managed to laugh.

What to do? What to do? Any thoughts, advice? Thanks in advance.

Sure he's only human. And so are you.

It is human of him to forget, and it is human of you to be shocked, offended, angry, sad, hurt, etc by his forgetting.

I think it's important for you to talk with him about how you feel about his forgetting. Did you consider saying something about how you were feeling in your shortened session that day?

I feel your pain.. confusion.. owie....owie...

Echoes has such a good point...

I tackled my T on a similar issue because I was so hurt, offended, angry, and I could go on..
And I say I tackled.. it was just that I could hold it in - wasn't really a choice.. it just came pouring out... and out..

He at first did not "get it" (he was 10 mintues late.. sounds funny, but it was after a major traumatic event which he knew about and I had come an hour early so anxious was I.. and he is never, ever late - he went over with another patient). (I had told him any other time to be late would have been fine.. but not that day when he knew I needed him.)

We went around and around on that point... until he finally "got it"... and he genunially apologized.. he explained where he was coming from...

So.. for me it was worth it..if I had left it.. which I couldn't anyway.. it would have "festered"..

just my two cents...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bluebutterfly said:
I'd like to begin by saying that this is one awesome group of people. You all have helped me in so many ways. I have been a frequent visitor here for about a year. So many of my questions have been answered. So many of my fears relieved.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm really glad to hear that. I hope you keep posting!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I've been coming here every Wednesday for a #$%&*!&* year and you can't remember? Of course I didn't say that, but I sure wanted to.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Why do you think you didn't say it? What do you think would happen if you did? Have you ever expressed anger like that towards him?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Do I just "let it be"? I feel like if I do, I have made no progress. If I don't, I have made no progress. I do realize he's only human, we all make mistakes.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes he is human and makes mistakes, but you are human too, and you are allowed to have a strong reaction to what happened, just as he is allowed to make mistakes.

Holding your feelings back and letting it be would not be making progress. (Forgive me if I am sounding harsh in anyway, I don't mean to be at all; just being honest).

All of that being said, had I been in your position one year ago, I would probably have a really difficult time expressing my anger to my T.... so I understand where you are coming from. I'm sure I would have acted it out (as I still do) by folding my arms, glaring at him, and making sarcastic comments, lol... only now I would directly say to him, "What the %#@&#! happened?!" and lots of other stuff related to how I would feel if he forgot my appointment.

If your T is human and can forget his appointment with you, then you are human too, and you can be hurt.

I think the way to address it while still remembering that yes, he can make mistakes, is to talk with him about it, but don't make him suffer for too long, lol... I think that would be progress.... a little bit of both sides, you know?

I understand where you are coming from. I saw my T for 9 years from 1978-1987 and then another from 1996-2005. I got married in 1989 and it was a very big thing in my life. In 2005 as we were working on termination, my T was also retiring and a couple times she lost my checks. One of those times she was determined to pay me back for bank fees and wrote me a check and I look and it was in my maiden name. Nine years of giving her checks each week with mine and my husband's name on it and she can't remember my name (400+ checks)? A couple times in the last 9 years she called my husband by a wrong name :-)

We're not their friends. There's a saying I love, "Your therapy should be the most important thing in your life but it is not the most important thing in your therapist's life." I got over bad disconnects by remembering all the good connects and how well my T helped me. If you have been in school lately (or remember when you were) think of all your classes and teachers and homework assignments and how you can forget a book or assignment or what a particular teacher said just yesterday, etc. Conservatively, T's can have 4-5+ clients a day, 5-6 days a week so I'm sure it must get confusing at times and I can see the need for a Blackberry and how your T would get messed up? Remember the look of shock on his face; that would "save" him for me. If he'd looked at you "puzzled" that would have damned him :-)

Hi Bluebutterfly, Well I think thats a big thing to forget. I'd be pretty pissed too. No doubt the conversation this will create will be of great benefit to you, in as much in its another step to reclaiming our own self worth, but all that aside, I'd need a couple of sessions to get that trust thing back fully again, to know he/she really does care, though forgetting doesn't indicate not caring, but it sure feels like it at the time!

In my opinion i think its a bad sign that he was the one who forgot and who came in late, yet you only get 25 minutes. He should have had the normal length session with you and worked a little later that day. Forgetting or making a mistake happens, how you respond to it is very telling.

I'm gonna get carpet bombed here. . .LOL Gracey, always the devils advocate

It is soooooooo hurtful when someone forgets something that is important to us. I would have been hurt as well, and have been. My T has "forgotten" once or twice in the last several years, but after talking about it and upon further examination, his reasons were valid.

Imagine, if you were at work, and had a really rough day. Your coworkers knew that your job could stress you out and you "forgot" an afternoon appointment coming into your office. Things happen. It is certainly worth discussion, but be careful making it all about you. Something could have been going on behind the scenes that he didn't share; the woman he was with could have been in crisis and he couldn't have said anything to you about that. It always hurts when we feel like we're the one being cut short, but if he had given you the entire hour, then everyone else in the afternoon would have run late as well, and some people can't afford to be late back to work, or picking up kids, stuff like that.

Perhaps you can say to him next time, "I realize you forgot about my appoinment, and I'll get over that, but how can we prevent this from happening again? This time with you is valuable to me (after all you ARE paying for it) and I work very hard to get the time off of work, and get here on time each week." The odds are good that he'll apologize, and you guys can move on. I would caution about making a whole session be about this; doing that tends to harbor resentment and unforgiveness (the F word!) and it becomes so much harder to move on. I speak from experience on this.

Good luck to you.

Wow!!! Thanks for the quick responses and understanding. I don't know how to use the quote thingy yet, so I'll try to answer questions from what I can remember reading.

First, I know that I should have said something at the time, but I knew I was going to burst into tears and feel like a total idiot. I really wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not. I have never expressed anger towards him (at least I don't think I did) in any way. There have been times when we have not seen eye-to-eye, and that is OK. Most of my anger issues are toward my husband (who moved out in March). I was so enraged with him I could not focus on anything else. That was one of the main reasons for my seeking a T in the first place.

I really like him a lot. I feel safe there. I feel at ease with him. It has taken me a long time to get that point in my therapy. After the way my H #$%&*^ me over, the last thing I need is my T forgetting about me. I guess I will bring it up this Wednesday. I wonder if he will bring it up. Probably not. How do I begin that conversation? Carefully choose my words or just blurt out?

Maybe start with "Would you mind dumping your other patients so that I can be the only one you have to worry about? That way, you will never forget an appointment again." LOL

Peace

Oh, bluebutterfly, that's the perfect starting line! I'd say it; it has enough humor and is "clear" about your feelings :-)

This is a tough one. Yes he is human of course but he was 25 minutes late too. So, he should have at least said don't worry we'll make this up somehow...isn't this just common courtesy?

Or am I getting all transference-like again?

Hang in there bluebutterfly, you're doing great

OF COURSE he should have apologized. . .but in his world, he wasn't really late. He had forgotten, and did not realize he had another appointment. It happens. He should have apologized and then asked, "How can I make this right?"

I think your therapist should have apologized for forgetting your appointment and I also think he should have given you your full 50 minutes, running late into the next person. Or at least 45, and then make up the lost time gradually through the day. It is not fair you bore the entire burden for his mistake and were the only client who got a shortened appointment. I hope he didn't charge you the full price.

I would bring it up with him next time, if you are able. I had a series of snafus with my therapist a while back--being double booked a couple times in a row, not returning phone call, etc. I did have a talk with him in which he explained he was overscheduled and overworked right now, and I asked him what he was going to do about it so these things didn't keep happening. It was a very professional discussion and he listed several steps he was going to take. I am hiring him for his services, so he is accountable to me. He responded well to this approach and did not act at all like "who is she to be questioning how I do things?" You are paying your therapist so you deserve to have this conversation with him. Then once the talk has happened, move on. No need to belabor it. Give him a chance to improve. Good luck!

BBF, I am glad you are posting here and will keep it up!

Hi Bluebutterfly,

I think that each of us has a unique relationship with our therapists. So, whichever avenue you take, will be the right one for you. I don't really have an opinion about how you or he should handle this. It seems positive you had at least a partial session that day and that he looked shocked when he walked in. And I do think it's healthiest not to let your feelings fester.

Pink said something interesting about how our relationships change over time. I recall about 3 or 4 months ago talking to T one weekend and there was interference on the phone that made it difficult to hear him. (He was at home.) I didn't know if it was my phone or his but I suffered through it.

This past weekend I spoke to T and heard the same noise. I said to him, "This is a ****** connection." LOL

So, over time I have become much more relaxed around him and more able to express my true feelings in the moment. Oh there's miles to go, but I guess the point I'm making is that your relationship with your T is where it is and you wll say what you can when you can.....geeze, that sounds wishy washy doesn't it?

Good luck.