In Session Today : Part III

LT, I really like to read about your sessions and thoughts .

I understand that. Look at how it went this time though! He understood. And I think, judging by the hug, he really appreciated gaining that understanding. That's what it's all about!

...and I think you were brave too, regardless of your reasons for doing it.

Ya know, thats what i thought too. I went from 4 days a week for a pretty long time down to 1 day a week, now im at 2 days a week. I guess that was my version of a break we recently hit our ten year anniversary, and it feels like we're getting our second wind. Six years is pretty close to a seven year itch and replacing all your body cells.

So 3 and I said our goodbyes today.

I don't feel anywhere near as bad as when like a family member dies, but I feel pretty discombobulated.

I close eyes too. I even have to close my eyes at live classical music concerts in order to hear the music, which seems dumb, but do you go to see it or hear it??

We hit 5.5 years last month. 6 years will be on Nov 10, I like the idea of replacing all my cells.

They replace every 7 years. Youre a whole new person.

Not gonna say much details about my session, try to keep it private as possible but I had written him a personal email about things I needed to discuss and he handled them well when we discussed in person. I also got a hug from him

I feel so much more at ease about going now. Was a fantastic session.

Monday's session:
Session was much lighter than they have been. Talking with a friend after my last session and a few other things helped change a lot of things for me around the move and around T's vacation. I went into session open and feeling connected to T. I was embarrassed by my behavior over the last month and a half. Today was the 2nd to last day at the clinic. For a while now we've had one room on Monday and a different room on Wednesday. So today was supposed to be goodbye to the Monday room. She came out to get me and told me that our usual Monday room was not available, that something had happened to it and that she could show me. When we walked past it I saw that there was no computer desk and the computer was on the floor. Ok random, this was a very old and heavy desk, it couldn't just up and walk off. As we were walking back she said the good news is that our usual Wednesday room was available because the other person was off on vacation. Ok. So we head on back and the door was mostly closed. She told me to go on in it was open as she stopped to do something with her shoe. When I got in there the chairs were all messed up. There was only two chairs in the room. The chair left for me is a chair that has a negative connotation to me from a dream early on. For the most I just ignore that it is even in the room. Now it was the chair for me to sit in. I looked at the situation and paused. I think I said something about the chairs being missing from this room. The chair for t was not her usual chair either. T offered to get me a different chair and I said I could do this and I sat in the chair. I said ohh it's not very comfortable. T went and got me another chair. I continued to sit in the chair. While I sat there I started feeling smaller and as if I was getting swallowed by it - yeah sorta the dream. T came back with a different chair and I stood up and she got things situated. I'm not sure if I just stood there helpless through the whole thing or if I helped move things around. I feel like I just stood there.

I sat down and t sat down. I commented on her not being in her usual chair but at least it wasn't the awful chair she had when we first started using this room. I asked how she was doing ... good.. I told her I was doing good, hanging in there. I proceeded to tell her about the conversation with A friend and how between it, her finding a solution for next Monday, me telling my story again, and last Wednesday's session. I proceed to read to her what the friend told me and we talked about how the different statements impacted me or which ones did. We talked about intellectually knowing these things and the connections verse emotionally knowing… or maybe it’s forgiving myself for them. Maybe the way the friend stated it allowed me to forgive myself for feeling/behaving the way I had been and not just justifying or knowing where it was coming from.

Another thing I did on Thursday was create a chart of thing about the move – the things I will lose, the things I will gain, the things that stay the same, and the things I didn’t know about. I showed this to her and we talked about some of it. It led her to clarifying lots of things about the new practice. We talked about her EMR, she gave me her new email address, and phone number. She told me about the building and made a plan to meet out front as it is a little unusual how to get to their suite (it’s an old house converted to offices and I guess to get to their suite you have to go around back and down the stairs. Not knowing about email was a stressor for me.

We talked about this concept about being insulated from other patients. For about 10 months now, my appointments have been stand alone in the sense that she is coming to them on days that she has had administrative duties not clinical duties and I am late in the day, so there has been no one before or after me. Before then, I was seen in her usual clinical hours so there was someone around my appointments depending on the day. I told her that I didn’t know if this would bother me, if I would feel like maybe she wasn’t all there for me because of not being able to shake off the person before me or because of starting to think about the person after me. I said I didn’t know if jealousy or anything like that would show up. We talked about how our relationship had changed from a year ago. I would have to say that most my attachment is at the level of a 4-5 yr old. My T… type of thing and then adult me goes.. no she’s a T that I see. She sees many other people, but when she sees me she is completely focused on me. Blah… not sure the little boy buys it completely. She’s been able to live up to those statements, so I think he is starting to trust her around this. It doesn’t seem like it is on firm ground though.

She gave me the forms to fill out for her billing and an intake form. I don’t remember why there was the 2 different forms as most of the information was the same but there were 2 forms.

Our time was about up, I showed her a picture of a pouting gorilla. I told her that was how I’d been filling for most of the last 2 months. She loved it.

We said our goodbyes, wishing wells, and see you on Wednesday and then I left. I felt how scared I was as I walked away. The move is big and scary. I tried to calm myself and did a pretty good job of it. I had to hurry out of there because I had another appointment (to pick up a uhaul) so I didn’t have much time to dwell on the session.

Another heavy session in a sleep-deprived state. R arrived and I immediately said ‘I’m sorry if I am a bit distant today. Last night was difficult.’
‘Sleep wise?’
‘Yes, in spite of my best efforts.’

We talked some more about that, and then I said there were some things about September 2007 that got lost in that moment when I couldn’t speak after ‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance.’


I repeated the phrase a couple of times, intending to talk about certain other aspects, but each time I tried, I couldn’t form the words. I ended up saying ‘That would have been enough. It was more than enough, as somebody who has actively avoided medical TV programmes or fly on the wall documentaries, but they told me everything.’


‘You’re safe, Lost. I can see that this is really difficult for you to talk about.’
I started talking about something else, and R gently brought me back to the topic at hand. ‘Before you started talking about [...] you were saying, ‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance.’ Do you want to go back to that?’


At this point I’d grabbed my pebble, and was intending to just blurt it out.
‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance. They then told me everything about what had to be done to get her back. We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance....this is an 8 out of 10’


‘I can see you trying to hold it together. You don’t have to.’
Try as I might, I couldn’t get the words out. R seems to accept that I need to speak about these things in order to regain...
‘Yourself?’


‘If I can’t talk about it, they still have power, even though they are no longer in my life.’
‘It’s like a cycle that repeats.’
At one point I said ‘I just want it out of my brain!’
R took some extra time at the end of the session to make sure that I was safe before she left.

Greatest hits from my session last night, courtesy current T:

"No client has ever asked me to examine my unconscious"

"I have insight into what is going on with you but I'm not going to tell you what I think because you'll just dismiss it and call me defensive. So, I'm not going to open my mouth again. YOU tell me what I'm thinking"

"You're reaming me again"

"You're making me walk on eggshells around you"

Fun. Not.

My responses:

"Maybe because you obviously don't examine your own unconscious."

"I think you're thinking 'how can I best cover up the fact I'm out of my depth here? Ah, I know, I will blame the client.'"

"At least it's not physical."

"There are only eggshells on the ground because you dropped the carton of eggs that symbolizes our therapeutic relationship."

Seriously, is whatever connection you have worth this?

Thank you for this, really.

It's not even about the connection any more -- it's rather hard to believe in it anyhow given her responses.

I am really certain now though that I have some rather entrenched problem with my anger / trust / emotional connection / empathy sort of stuff.

I don't know then if any other T would put up with it either (unless it's someone truly extraordinary and I have no idea how to find someone like that -- especially in this area which isn't the likes of NYC or CA or Chitown).

I guess I would be more ready to say screw it to her if not for a couple of reasons --
1. I'm really worried that sans therapy right now, I'll slide right back into craziness with my family.

2. This business of my not having empathy or having anger / trust issues etc is something that a bunch of other folks have pointed out -- family of course but also people I respect professionally, friends, partners etc. So, I think she does have a point?

And, for what it's worth, she did ending up telling me her insight (after I told her it's okay to say it all the same) -- it was kinda blinding (there was almost a one-to-one mapping between how I interpreted her behavior and responded to her [in hurt / anger] and my dynamic with my mother. I know it sounds very simplistic when I lay it out here because I'm not mentioning details but it was rather nuanced).

I guess the bottom line is this -- I'm a trifle too exhausted and frazzled right now to do a full-scale search for another T now (especially since I have little hope of finding someone else who's otherwise competent and deals with me better) and I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to be sans therapy until I'm on safer ground vis-a-vis family (and, to a lesser extent, have a better handle on what's beginning to feel like some non-minor looming depression).

So, I guess it's really just inertia -- not a great position to be in, I know.

Wow, she has sure granted you a lot of special powers, so I guess that's something to celebrate? Other than that, I kind of agree that if you and she can weather this, it does seem like a place to wrestle with these dynamics. I don't think I could withstand that kind of combat, but unless she is a total nincompoop, it might be worth it.

Wednesday's session -

Got back to the room and did the usual how are you's. She was excited to give me a new business card. They are on heavy weight stock. I said ooo fancy. As I was holding the card, she closed the box. I said I needed a 2nd one. She asked if I wanted another one. I said yes. Wanted? I needed a 2nd one. I have 2 of her current business cards. One sits in my night stand and the other is in my backpack that goes everywhere with me. She gave me a second one. I said thank you.

I gave her the forms for her private practice. I had also created blank PDF and word documents of the forms and had emailed them to her. She thanked me for them and asked me if I had to create the word document versions. I said that acrobat had an export feature. She didn't know that. She was happy to have them electronically and thought they were amazing. I was unsure about giving her the blank versions because of that whole dual role thing, but then I thought it would be silly to not give them to her since I had to create them to create my filled in one. She didn’t ask or say anything about this idea/concept around it may be inappropriate because of our roles. She is not very IT savvy and I’m in IT so it’s been hard for me to not offer little things like converting these forms to editable PDFs and such. She has not asked me for anything around this so it is not like she is pushing it or even asking me how she might do it.

I told her that I was able to tell the front staff person goodbye. She said that was nice of me/considerate of me. I told her that he made a comment about hoping I do well and such. I asked her if he knew I was moving with her. She said she didn’t know. I was left with the impression that he might have known. I am not sure how I feel about that.
We started talking about how we were feeling about the move and such. I said I was scared. She asked me what it felt like. After a moment, I said it felt like I had to move. I told her that I could feel it in my body, in my chest. She said a few things were going to be going with us. My mind flashed to the filing cabinet ... I knew that wasn't possible so I asked about the plants. She said no, but these snoopy figurines and a vase would be going. (so she likes snoopy, nugget of personal information)

Next, I pulled out the posting I did in the Dear T thread. I read it a few times in silence. It had the 'I love you' statement. I had made a rule about not telling her that again so I felt like I couldn't give her the posting to read. I also wasn't sure about giving it to her. I read it and sat in silence for a long enough period of time that T sat back and crossed her legs waiting for me. I was looking at the paper. I sat it aside and said that I made a last day bucket list. She smiled at that and said something about it being a good idea. I told her that there wasn't much on it and I showed her the list. She asked me if there were some things more important than others. I said yes. She told me that she could email me when stuff got switched over to her new email address. She said she didn't know when that would be but she could email me and let me know. She said she couldn't do one of the items because of her after session plans. She asked me how much time did I need to have in the room alone, I said a few minutes. She asked if going and checking out the conference room to do the remote control cars would be enough time. I said it would be.

She left the room and told me not to lock her out. She had left the door open. After she left I pushed the door closed but not latched. I took 2 pictures of the filing cabinet (one turned out and the other did not) and I went and sat in the corner. I wanted to sit under the desk and actually spend time with the filing cabinet but she knocked on the door as I was trying to put stuff back in the corner. The corner had been blocked by some moving boxes since the remodel. I moved things back and opened the door.

I proceeded to pull out the remote control cars. I handed her one and I held one (in their boxes). I said that as I was packing them up, I still feel like they belong or needed to be stored with her. I said that is because he isn't safe with anyone else yet. She just accepted this statement with a slight nod. We proceeded to the conference room. There wasn't anything to use in there to build ramps so we just drove around and over chair/table legs. I laughed and giggled. She showed me how she had figured out how to do a 360. I showed her how to do a faster and tighter 360. We talked about the logic/physics of these specific cars. They are for very young children and don't work off standard principles of one lever controlling right-left and the other forward or backwards. Instead one controls the left the other the right. I love that it does this because it means that you can't let your brain wander to other things while you are playing with them. I figured out why I struggled with controlling the car when I am behind it and it is going away from me; specifically, around turns. That is when you want to turn right you have to press the left lever upwards rather than doing anything with the right side; almost anti logic. Then I made a solemn course for us to go through out of water bottles and hand sanitizer. She started down the course first and then I lapped her, that is until I got to the last bottle (an empty water bottle) and I crashed right into it. She wondered if we had enough power to knock over one of the full water bottles and we did. Then we tried to figure out how to go over the legs of 2 chairs next to each other. Nothing was working until for some reason I ended up going over them backwards. This method seemed to work about 50% of the time. At about 10 mins left, I stopped playing and leaned against the table. It was time to put them away. I got quiet as I dealt with the knowledge that this might be the last time we play with them. After a few moments, she stopped and leaned against another table and she said that the new room was larger than our usual room, big enough to still play with the cars. We talked about it some and she tried to guess the size of the space. We talked about the size of the space. Currently, it has nothing in it so it seems large. So most likely it won't be significantly larger once she adds furniture. We packed up the cars and headed back to the room. While packing up the cars she mentioned how the antennae reminds her of the exclamation point book. I just smiled at that. I asked her if she was ready for the next evolution (from movie GI Jane) as we started to head back to the room. She seemed to like that concept, next evolution.

She thanked me for bringing the cars, that it was a great way to have a last day (not her exact words). I pulled out the exclamation point book. And she smiled at this. I asked her how she was doing with all of it. I said it was a big deal for her too. She said that she was trying to trust and stay open to everything that was happening, taking it one step at a time. She’s enlisting several services to manage parts of it. She was funny around the money part because she said that she didn’t know how much it was going to be (for me) because the billing people hadn’t told her yet. I was like…. Ummm the billing people are going to set your rates??? I didn’t say that out loud but that was what I was thinking. She continued and I think she meant more that they haven’t sorted out what the out of network costs were going to be for me. We talked about that a little bit and I told her that I only had like another $270 on out of pocket annual max for out of network care so that won’t be too bad.

I was quiet and thinking about this being goodbye, the last time here. She asked me if it felt real or unreal. I paused then said that it felt real, very real. I started to tear up but then it passed. I said that I grieve early in the process of things. I talked about the months leading up to this being part of that grieving. She said something about me grieving more intense than others. I said I didn’t know about that just that I started to grieve before the event happens. I was thinking that I start to grieve the moment it feels like something might end or even when things are good because I know there is an ending that will eventually happen.

I pulled out the posting from the dear T thread and I gave it to her to read. There has been some regression here in having her read things rather than me read them or just verbalizing them. She read it, it seemed like she read parts of it again. She nodded at something. Then she asked me if I still felt trapped. I was thinking of the feeling of being physically trapped in a space/room and I couldn’t remember writing that so I said no. Later after she handed me back the paper I saw I was referring to being emotionally trapped, in my own head, in a stress/anxiety state. I wasn’t feeling very trapped that way either. I told her that on Tuesday I had shifted my thinking from feeling like this was something she was doing to me to something that was happening and that we are traveling together down the path. She said she was glad that the shift happened. Our time was up and I started to pull things in, gather stuff up. I started hugging the exclamation point book. She asked me if I wanted her to read it to me before we left [this space] and I said no. I was struggling internally with telling her I love her. I had made a rule to not tell her that again. That I could share that on the forum and in the personal side of my journal but not directly to her. I looked up at her and then away. She waited. I looked up again and I said ‘I love you’. She said she knew, she knew that I did. (Before anyone says that isn’t a supportive or good response, it is one that I have told her works for me over “ok” and some other responses she has used in the past.) She asked me how it felt to say it out loud and directly to her. I said it was hard. That I was breaking a rule. She asked if the rule was hers or mine. I said mine. Something was said about how for a while there were not rules and she said that they came back for a bit and now I am finding ways around them over them and such. I stood to leave and I asked her if she’d seen the movie GI Jane, she had but it had been a while. I described the scene about the statement to her. I said that we used to watch it every time we moved when you weren’t done yet but you were exhausted to keep going. She said that it was in inspiring movie. She said that maybe she’d watch it over the weekend.
We said our see you on Monday, I thanked her for seeing me on Monday. She said it would be her honor.

Then I left, I went down to the breakroom that I had been using for support, containment, transition, and eating my dinner. This is a shared breakroom for the team I used to work for and for a few other support teams. I said goodbye to the refrigerator (yes… I know, me and my attachment for inanimate objects – they don’t leave you, they don’t say hard words or yell at you, they don’t tease you nor are too busy for you). So I got a hug, was held, cried, and said goodbye. Then I left the institution that has been a major part of my life for 12 yrs. I will still be receiving medical care there so I’ll be back a few times a year. Not the same as it being part of my daily, then weekly life. I walked down a well-known path, down the 5 floors of stairs, down off the hill, and along the river as I did my usual 3.5 mile post session walk home.

I’m glad she is going to see me on Monday because the waiting for the change is harder on me than the actual change. My mind can come up with all kinds of things that might happen regardless of how probable it will happen, the possibility exists.

Second session since she told me she's leaving. Three more to go.

Earlier this week I broke down completely so I told her about all of that and how hard it's been. She could tell that I needed to cry and grieve so she offered to sit and hold me for a bit. I bawled.

Afterwards I opened up about my attachment to her. It was a a natural consequence of everything I'm going through l and talking it out felt completely okay.

She's never made me feel remotely self conscious about anything on that level. She just gets it. She thanked me for trusting her.

We shared an exchange about personal loss and confusion and grief and these Kinda of changes. She opened up a little bit about her own experience in vague terms (though I knew what she was referring to from Internet snooping). It really felt like we connected on a new level.

I will miss her so much.

really let T have it today. told him everything ive been thinking and feeling for almost a year now but have been too scared to really express. it was all regarding the boundary changes. i could tell he was struggling to sit there and have that conversation. i can imagine it must have been pretty freakin uncomfortable. he was quiet and spoke very softly. he mostly said things like im sorry, im sorry for doing things that have hurt and confuse you. i even told him the stuff about how in the beginning he was there 24/7 and now its like a complete 180. i told him he played a part in this dynamic developing, whether he meant to or not- he did. i asked him if he remembers... if he rememebers those first 3-4 years, or has he conveniently forgotten. he mentioned the place we met in, a residential treatment facility. i told him yes that place was different, and the boundaries there are more grey, but i dont think that is an excuse.... he asked if i remember when we talked about how things would change after we both left the treatment facility. i said yes i do but its weird because things didnt start actually changing til last year. i also wanted to say that at the treatment facility- no other therapist was as involved with their resident as he was with me. i did not say that to him today though. i think he knows, anyway.

i feel terribly guilty now. i feel sad..i have the hole in my chest. im trying to just put it all aside and go to work later. carry on... i feel like T was pretty affected by our conversation , and i feel sorry for saying all of those things. i dont want him to be upset or feel sad about what happened. i told him i know he means well. i told him that i know people make mistakes, and things get ****ed up.

oh man that was a pretty intense session and im all sorts of F'd up emotionally right now.

Sorry you had such a hard session, JD. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty for expressing your feelings and your needs. You haven't done anything wrong by doing that - in fact, you should be proud of yourself for it.

Hugs, JD. I think it's good you expressed all that to him. Did he try to explain any more? Or offer to compromise a bit, like still be there for you over text at times?

Hope work goes OK for you.

Last Monday's session:

(This is rather disjointed because I wrote half of it immediately afterwards, and the rest almost a week later. Also, for some reason I keep switching back and forth between direct quotes and summary. Sorry about that.)

I sat down. There was some awkward silence. I squirmed around a bit.

T said "how's you?"... He always says that. Not "how are you?"... "How's you?"

I said "I'm... Ummmm... Errr..." and continued with the awkward silence.

T said "okay. I'm guessing you're feeling... anxious?" I smiled. Nodded. He said "well, I thought that might happen, so I have something to tell you to help with that..."

He told me he has a dog. A black labrador. He said that his dog tends to communicate by making sounds... He makes huffing noises, and sighing noises. I laughed.

There was some further silence. I sighed. I said "ah - there! I'm communicating like your dog." He said "well, usually my dog sighs like that when he's happy..." I said "hmm... No. I guess I'm not then. But I'm not a dog, anyway, I'm a cat."

He said... "I'm pretty sure you're a human. But I think cats usually communicate with their eyes. Mine does. Angrily. I don't think he's a very happy cat."

I said "is that because he lives with a labrador...?"

He said "no! They get on well. He doesn't like me though. He looks at me like he hates me."

I told him that cats smile with their eyes. When they blink slowly - that's a cat smile. He said his cat usually just stares. I said... Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that is aggressive cat language. That does mean he hates you.

He thanked me for confirming that for him.

We laughed.

He asked if I felt less anxious. If his telling me about his dog worked. I said yes - but that he needed to stop being so likeable because I was still annoyed with him.

He said "hmm... You say you're angry with me?" I said "actually, I said annoyed."

He said "okay. Annoyed. Tell me - I'm interested."

I told him that it had taken me a couple of days of thinking about it (a lot) to work out what he'd been getting at with his idea that 'no-one is good enough' for me. I told him that I'd been mystified, because he seemed to think it was an important insight for me, said it had been 'a theme' of my therapy - but I genuinely couldn't remember ever saying anything about it. He looked surprised.

I said that eventually I remembered that we'd spoken about my feeling that I could never get close enough to people, and that he'd theorised that it was paradoxically a way that I kept people away. By not letting them live up to my impossible standards. He said "yes - no-one is good enough..." I told him that it wasn't the same thing. That lots of people are good enough for me. Most people are. I like people a lot. But I never feel close enough to them. He said "so you're making a distinction between 'close enough' and 'good enough'?" I said yes... Absolutely I am. They're completely different things. He nodded.

I explained that his latching onto this idea, in response to my criticism of him, had really bothered me. That it magically turned any problem I had with him into my 'pathology', that it allowed him to escape accountability by making it all about 'my stuff'. He said... "So it feels like you can never win?" I said yes. Although that does pretty much sum up my feeling, in retrospect I think it was an interesting choice of words - and certainly not the words I would have chosen. I guess I'm not entirely imagining the competitive vibe between us sometimes.

I said that I get it. I understand that I have patterns of relating to people that will also play out between us. I get that it can be very useful for me to look at them. I don't deny that at all. But also, sometimes, he has to accept his part in things. He has to acknowledge his mistakes.

...and he agreed. Emphatically. He said he understands my feeling that way. He got it.

Thank f**k for that eh?

I told him about a dream that I'd had a few nights before. The first dream in which he had actually been himself, not some twisted, weird version, or a completely different therapist obviously meant to represent him.

In the dream he had said I was worthless... but I knew he hadn't meant it in a bad way somehow, and so even though I was deeply hurt, I didn't feel able to express myself and tell him about it. I was curled up on the sofa unable to speak or move or do anything. In contrast he was talking a lot, and moving around a lot.

He asked what I made of it. I said... It's just how I feel sometimes, I guess. He asked if I felt that way now. I said no - I don't feel that way at all right now.

He asked if I felt better about things. If I felt that anything had been resolved. After a pause, I said yes. Pretty much. I said that I felt okay, except...

He has two clocks in his new room. One on the table to the left of the sofa and one behind it. In moments of silence, it's very noticeable that their ticking is out of synch, and it creates this weird hypnotising effect. I had mentioned it a few weeks ago, the first time we had a session in that room. This session it had started really bothering me again. So, I told T. I asked him why he hadn't tried to get them in synch... he said "I have! Twice! They just came out the same! What are the chances...?!"

...I laughed a lot at that. I said he should get a different clock for the table. He said he was going to - a digital one.

He asked if there was anything else I'd specifically wanted to address this session. I said no. He asked about my relationship with my partner...

So I talked about my relationship with my partner. It was hard. I don't want to go into it again. I hate talking about it. It was good, though - T was attentive and empathetic and all those other things a T should be. He seemed to totally understand me. He validated some feelings that I really needed to have validated.

He did give me a stupid analogy about a rose bush, though. He said "are you interested in gardening, Luc?" - all out of the blue, which was briefly intriguing - and I said "I don't have a garden. I live in a flat." and he said "oh - okay - it's just, I wanted to explain something with a reference to gardening, but if you're not a gardener then..." and I took the piss out of him - "what, is it some really obscure horticultural reference?! I mean, if it's about watering a bloody plant, I think I'll manage to understand..."

I did understand. He said that a relationship is like a rose bush and you have to cut bits of it off to keep it healthy. I dunno what part of my relationship he was implying I should cut off. He just loves a stupid analogy.

There was another long-ish quiet period at one point. I was weeping silently. Feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotion, trying to get my thoughts to make sense. Suddenly, T grabbed the clock on the table and irritably pulled the batteries out of the back of it. I smiled through my tears. He said "sorry - it was stopping me from being present with you."

It was a nice moment.

I guess I got sick of talking about my relationship at some point, and, changing the subject, asked him about the spare chair he has in his room. I asked him if it was a chair for invisible people to sit in - referring to the gestalt 'empty chair' experiment. He said it's mostly for him to sit on while he plays his keyboard (which he consistently seems to call a piano for some reason), but that he sometimes uses it as an 'empty chair', yes. He asked if it was something I was interested in. For some reason I didn't answer his question really and instead grabbed the opportunity to argue with him again about how Fritz Perls was actually a violent misogynist. T continued with his rhetoric about how it was all totally normal 'back in those days' etc etc. We didn't get anywhere with it.

The topic somehow swung back round to my relationship, and I started to get upset again. I said that I was going to have to go to dinner with my partner and his parents after the session, and so I needed my head to be a bit clearer.

T asked if there was somewhere natural I could go in-between then and dinner-time. I said no - I had to go to Boots (a chain pharmacist) to pick up a prescription. He said that the fumes from the perfume counters in there would be so strong (they are! I have to cover my nose and mouth when I go in there!) that I'd be totally out of it anyway and not care what was going on. I joked "are you suggesting that I get high?" and he said "no - it's not like I said you should go and smoke crack! I was just messing around, to help get you into a different mood..."

I said... I know. I know that's what you were doing, T. Don't ruin it.

He always has to ruin it.