In Session Today : Part III

last week i had 2 sessions, i got my first ever real hug on tuesday and i had a nightmare on friday, got accidentally corned with one of my phobias leaving the office but he stepped in and helped and even came to check on me in my car. of course, now i miss him and hate having to wait until friday.

so sad how 1 hour a week is the happiest hour for me

In session yesterday, courtesy current T:

"You are questioning my competence"

"Your anger is very aggressive"

"Did I really use those words (reaming, walking on eggshells etc)?"

"We have such a connection -- I just had a strong sense just before you texted me that you would. We really have such a close connection"

In other words, a perfectly normal session.

Oh dear... 🤢

Yikes...

It's okay -- I'm being a bit of an arse here.

She admitted that she gets disoriented by my anger -- which to me is a pretty solid admission for a therapist (rather than her pretending otherwise).

The intuitive connection stuff -- yeah, I could've really done without it but she's weirdly woo-woo at times and so, I just ignore it.

"You are questioning my competence" -Is that somehow not normal? I questioned the women's competence all the time. Of course I am questioning your competence -you people don't explain what the hell you're doing, you don't seem to have any real rules or structure, and you people just hope, stab and pretend. Why on earth would I not question your competence

Me too SD -- questioning the competence of therapists constantly that is.

But, I gather it's not a standard question that clients ask.

If I push "too much", I have been asked as to why I continue to see them. Gah.

CW told me at our last appointment that I was "more astute" about psychotherapy than she was used to in clients and asked "very pointed questions." I think she was trying to convey that that was OK with her, but it didn't come across as OK with her.

My pdoc and I are often debating on the quackery that is therapy. Or the 'hippy sht' as he tends,to refer to it.

He won't refer me to another therapist cos I made my last 3 Cry.
He says we will just have to manage between the two of us.

At all costs we must protect therapists from the terrible experience of crying, or being criticized by a patient. They are delicate flowers.

I would've even been okay with the crying had she not added insult to injury by telling me that she was crying because of her extreme empathy for my pain

Never mind that there's absolutely no contradiction between her so-called extreme empathy and telling me that my anger is aggressive and I'm reaming her out and making her walk on eggshells (which also appears to conveniently be a memory lapse).

At this point I'm beginning to think that the only expressions of emotion that most therapists can tolerate are undying expressions of true lurrrrrrve -- and, my guess is that the only reason they're able to get away with such mediocrity and thin-skinned-ness is because they're well-aware that such behavior is far more common among clients in the market than anything else. Else, sheer economics would've made most of them either get the heck out of the profession or seriously change how they operate.

I may write up yesterday's session with MC later, but what it made me realize/understand is probably more important--or at least more at the forefront of my mind right now. So posting the e-mails I sent him (not expecting a response before tomorrow at earliest, since today is a holiday):
Hi Dr. MC,

Thanks for today's session. I was really stressed about some stuff that we didn't bring up (see below), and just seeing you helped with that. Like, it was comforting just being in your presence, cheesy as that may sound.

It also made me realize something. I'm sorry in advance for bringing up this topic, even though I know you'd say it's OK to bring up anything. But this is about me being upset with you when you'd said you hadn't intended to tell us about your wife's passing. At the time, it hurt, and I didn't understand why you'd keep something like that from us, especially when we had some awareness of what was going on.

But today, there was stuff I didn't bring up in session because of that, because of some stuff you told us about her. I hope it's OK to share it here. Last week, I found out via Facebook that someone I went to college with--someone my age--has stage 3 breast cancer. That upset me and also prompted me to finally schedule a mammogram that my doctor had ordered for me due to some family history because I'm now 40. I had it done Friday and have been a bit of a wreck ever since, fearing that they found something. I also need to schedule a pelvic ultrasound as a sort of ovarian cancer screening, because my mom had it at my age (I've had a couple scans before). That terrifies me even more.

All of this has triggered intense fears of mortality in me, which is in some ways related to the whole future career thing (not so much with the dog) [stuff that came up in session]. And I spent last session with T sobbing about all those fears about myself and my parents (pretty sure that's what was actually going on with my fears that you had some terminal illness...that it was really about my aging parents). Incidentally I've talked about it with H some, and he's been supportive.

And it would have been a topic to bring up today, except...I just didn't feel like I should. I know you said your wife had breast cancer, and I'm pretty sure you said the surgery for that triggered a setback for her. So I didn't want to make you think of that. Or to talk about fears of my own mortality, especially in relation to leaving D.

I'm sure you'll say it would have been fine to bring any of that up. That I shouldn't worry about your feelings or reaction. And that I shouldn't care about you in that way, that's it's just supposed to be you caring about me/us. But you know that I do...

So, anyway, I wanted to let you know that I understand now, why you weren't planning to say anything. Because of stuff like this. I feel bad even about bringing it up here in this e-mail, but I feel kind of like I had to get it out. I hope that's OK.

Could you at least let me know you read this? (And that it was OK to bring it up?)

Thanks (and I'd wish you a Happy 4th, but that seems out of place here),
LT

And (today):
Also, I still feel bad about pressing you on that issue before. You were (are) grieving, and I was making it all about me. and what it meant about the realities of the therapeutic relationship. I should have just explored that with T and left you alone about it. I know you'll probably say it was OK, how therapy is supposed to be about me, not you. But still, I wish I had been more sensitive to what you were going through and not pushed you to deal with my reaction to your loss.

So, I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can accept my apology, even though you probably will say it's not necessary.

Thanks,
LT

Monday's session... first session at new location.
I walked up from work as quickly as I could so I could stop at FedEx to print off the picture on picture paper. I got to FedEx with 30 mins to spare. I had uploaded the picture to my FedEx account; however, their photo printer wasn’t connected to that storage system. I tried several different ways to get to the picture, I finally found a way and got them printed off with 8 minutes to go before session. I quickly walked the 3 blocks. I thought I had one more block to go for some reason, so I was still focused on walking quickly and with purpose when she called to me. I looked up and the sun was right there in my eyes. I had to take a few more steps to get out of the sun and realize that I was there and it was her. She had been sitting on the stairs.

I walked up to her and she stuck out her hand to shake mine. I shook her hand and held it a moment; I took it in both of mine and melted a little. I thought, “Ok, I am here, you are here, we are here. Ok. Ok, we are here, here we go.” She is real. I let go of her hand and she proceeded to talk about how we were not going to be going in the usually doorway because of the alarm being set and she was unsure how it worked. She walked me around to the back where I would normally be entering. Down the stairs, up the stairs, up more stairs, down stairs. I would have to say, it is a little funky and I was not sure about lighting for winter time. I didn’t see any but I might have just missed them. As we came back around to the side, I mentioned how when I walked by before, I noticed the sign for the people before them and figured that they probably used this side door as their main door. She agreed that was possible. We went in this door and she said how this was going to be one of the offices. It was a small office. The carpet was wet from being shampooed. We went through this room, to the next which will be the waiting room and then across to another room. I commented on how big it was. She said something about it facing the parking spaces and not being sure if that would be distracting so she didn’t take it and someone else wanted it. We came out of this room and back towards what is the back entrance. She showed me the walls that were added to create the 4th office room, the bathroom, what might become a small kitchen area; finally, she took me to what is going to be her office. There was no furniture anywhere except in storage closet and the 2 chairs in her office. It was a little creepy having it be so empty. As we entered her office, she showed me the filing cabinet in the closet. She said that she didn’t know it was there until she went to see how big the closet was and there it was. She said that they might be back to take it out if they realized they left it. She wanted to know what I thought about there being one in the room. I answered that based on where my head was it wouldn’t be a very positive response because of not wanting to have this level of change. I was thinking that it wasn’t the same one and I was thinking that it seemed a bit odd that it was here; a little too covenant. To be honest, I’m not sure how much I believe her. I want to believe her. It just seems too odd.

I asked her if she had a preference in the chairs. She said no. She had said that these were 2 of the chairs that would be waiting room chairs. I went to sit down, sit my backpack down on the floor. She said I could put it up on the hooks by the door. I touched the floor and said it wasn’t too wet. I was thinking that if I put my bag up over there I wouldn’t have access to the stuff inside. I wasn’t sure what I would want out of it. She came back and I sat down in one of the chairs, she came in and sat down too. She then asked about closing the door. It was echoy in the there. I said that I didn’t think it mattered and that I thought we would hear anyone if someone showed up. She agreed.

Ok, so we are here. I asked her if she had checked her old email before sending me the stuff from new EMR. I told her that I send her an email on Saturday. She said how she was able to access her email but didn’t see anything new since Friday. She said that when she tried to access some other systems, she kept getting a message about her password being changed. I brought up the webmail app and she tried to log in with it and it didn’t work. She said she was curious as to what I sent her. I said it was just a request for a reply from her old email account. I explained and showed her how on my iPhone I get notifications of emails and how it would say her name and I would get the first few lines of the email. I said with the new EMR, I just get the notification from them that I have a message and then I have to log into their system to see the message. She asked me if I got both her messages from Sunday. I said I got only one message, then I said that I got the appointment reminder. She asked if I got the message in the comments with the appointment reminder. I said no. (I didn’t even think about asking what she had said in the comments… what did she say, probably a looking forward to seeing me, have good day, type of deal.) She said good to know. I returned to talking about receiving emails from her. I told her that on my walk on Sat I realized that I might not get another email from her and wouldn’t have that notification pop up where I’d see her name on the lock screen of my iPhone. I told her that sometimes I would leave my iPhone locked as long as possible so that would be there for me at just a push of a button. I would check the email on my personal phone so I’d see the whole email. I’d leave the notification on the iPhone. I was embarrassed after I admitted this to her. She smiled. She said that I had her new HIPPA compliant email address and I could email her there. She went on to tell me that when she got a message in the new EMR, she got an email to that email account and all it says is that she has a message and she has to log into the new EMR to see it. So basically, it is the same process for both of us and emailing directly just cuts out the middle “man” so to say. I wasn’t sure if she wanted all communication to be through the new EMR or not. I am glad/was glad to hear that I could email her directly and would be receiving emails back from her. Maybe it won’t look very different.

From here, I pulled out my notebook and handed her the card I got for her. She took it and asked if she should read it/open it right then. I said yes. As she opened the card, she asked me if I made it. I said no. She read the message, smiles. She thanked me. We didn’t talk about it or what it meant or the message. This is what I had written in the card:
Wishing you the best with this new part of your life. May it be full of interest, joy, ….. and fulfillment…. Meaning.
Be busy
and beautiful
and brimming with ten-thousand moving parts…
and possibly “perfectly unhappy”.

Most of this is in reference to: How to be perfectly unhappy - The Oatmeal I had made her a booklet of this comic many many months ago.

Next, I caught her up on my weekend – I told her about my Friday and not being “nice” to my body in the sense of heavy workout, eating high sodium foods, alcohol, and low water. I told her about Saturday being emotionally rough because of being achy. She asked about my tooth. I told her about the gum pulling away from the tooth and how I and switched to softer foods for a few days and tried to eat on just one side of my mouth. I told her it was doing better.

I noticed her new badge and the name of the other company she’ll be work at. We didn’t talk about this. It’s ok that she has this other job. I was curious as to who it was with. I’m glad to know who it is with, just to settle/answer that curiosity.

I pulled up a note I had written. I told her that I had this thought on my walk to work and I read it to her:
I don't want to go. I want to hide. I am not doing well with it at all. It feels wrong, just wrong. I shouldn't be there, I don't belong there. It is not home. It is not safe.

She asked if it was about being in the new space. I said initially that is where I think it was going/coming from but when I added the “It is not home. It is not safe.” For some reason I thought I was talking about Debbie’s house. She asked me to read it again and I did. We talked briefly about old place feeling like home for me for so long. I said that when I was in install tech I got to know the guts of the place, where all the tunnels were, how to get around basically without having to go outside. She said that I got to know it better that most. I said that lots of facilities people know these routes, she said that in terms of total number of employees and such I was in a small percentage and she said how she remembered me taking her through places. I said I missed it, that I still want to go back. She admitted that there was a draw there for me. That W still works there. I said lots of my friends are from there. Yeah, you could say I feel like it is home – not so much the office downtown where I worked most the time but the main campus. Yes, that space feels like home.

We then switched to talking about this in terms of Debbie’s house and how when I was little and I would want to stay the night at her house but would get scared in the middle of the night and have to be brought home. I told T that I thought on my walk to session, how I went there to protect Debbie from her nightmares but I got scared and couldn’t stay, that I was just a kid. I said that I’m not sure if that is a memory, a fantasy, a logically thought, or what… just that it was what came to mind. I said that it made logical sense. It doesn’t feel like it was coming from a logical place.

T wondered if I wasn’t talking about … or somehow connecting the feelings then to now and how a part of me was trying to protect/take care of another part of me. I don’t think I really responded to this concept. I did hear it. I’m not sure if it is accurate, maybe?

We kind of started rambling here a bit. I asked her how she were doing with everything. She said something positive… ok, excited?. She talked about wondering what type of plant to get for the window (one that didn’t need much light) and messing with the blinds to get a place to put up one of the snoopy figurines. She talked about placing the furniture, lamps, desk, printer… arranging the room. What to do with the filing cabinet.

I pulled out the picture of the filing cabinet and gave it to her. She asked if I took the picture with my phone. I said yes. She asked me something, and I said that I can touch it. I said that I will probably redo the printing because the cut off some of the picture to fit their standard print sizes and that I like the full picture better. I showed her the full picture and she talked about the slightly different hues to them.

She asked me what I thought of the space. I looked around and I said I liked the blue wall. I asked if they painted and she said she didn’t think so and we looked at the one wall, no they hadn’t painted. She said that she wouldn’t have time to paint either so the walls will probably be the same.

I said there is no clock, she talked about her watch being not as helpful as it didn’t show the time like it was supposed to when she turned her wrist. I don’t recall if I actually looked at my watch but I knew time was up. I gave her the journal and said that I hadn’t made any changes to it yet. She said she had wondered. I do plan to make changes to it. Not sure yet what I am going to do.

She handed me the picture back. I asked her if she wanted to keep it. I said I made other copies. She said yes, so I gave it back to her.

I packed up my bag and she said that she’d walk me out. As we walked out she said that she’d meet me out front again on Thursday because of not being sure where things are in terms of the alarms and getting all situation. I said to remember that when I first come around the corner, I’ll be blinded by the light. She made a joking comment about this. We got to the door, I said that I was going to go to Zupans to get a drink and eat my salad. She asked up on <street name> and I said no.. and corrected myself to being Trader Joes. I said that if there wasn’t any where to sit then I’d go to the park by <local school>. She asked where that was. I oriented myself and said it was over there. She said the opposite direction from Trader Joes. I was a little confused but yes. That was correct. I said that I had already walked a lot, I looked at my watch and I was already at over 16,000 steps. She said I had her beat, and she looked at her watch and said, 3000 and something. Yep beat. She reached out her hand to shake my hand again. I shook her hand. This time, it was a handshake – solid, but nothing more. I wasn’t expecting that. We said see each other soon, she said something about time going quickly and the reminder that it would be Thursday. I was sad to leave, let down? Sad sometimes seems to strong of a word. Sad that it was over?

As I left, I was glad for the 2nd handshake.

Sorry for mistakes I'm dying and forgot how to English
You don't have to read it

We talked about different stuff...
At the end I said:
- I was thinking about good things of this reality. At first, it's drugs. I mean...I have never tried anything, not because I'm responsible or anything, but because I don't know any place where to buy drugs. And the second thing is..love. But I'm not a bird, so I can't fly.
- Do you mean you can't love?
- I think I can...Unfortunately. Well...mhgm... I love you. I don't mean in romantic way. You can think it's just a transference, but my feelings are my feelings. I should have said that earlier, but I was extremely nervous, because I have never said these words - I love you - to anyone before.
- I hear you. I can't say "love", because this word has different meaning to me. But I like you, I enjoy talking with you and I feel attachment to you. If you..., I would miss you. And I think you're unique. Maybe that means "love"... I think we should hug!

And we hugged

Omg I'm shaking and can't breathe

That was an anti-climax of a session. I talked a bit to R about how the last week has been really hard for me, in terms of keeping the ‘box’ shut and only being able to be authentic with a few people.

‘I get the sense that authenticity is really important for you at the moment.’
‘Yes.’
‘You can be authentic with yourself, even if you can’t be authentic with everyone around you.’
‘Maybe being authentic with myself involves accepting the reality of those 2 or 3am moments.’

Then I mentioned that I had written a poem a couple of weeks ago ‘that explains the post-session experience a little better.’ (Hangover) I attempted to read the piece aloud, but had to stop due to being hit by a wave of emotion as I read the words ‘My life is more than this.’

R asked me whether the sensation I was experiencing was physical or emotional. I am pleased that I recognised it as emotional rather than physical. I eventually said to R that I did not think I would be able to finish reading the piece and handed her the paper. She asked whether I wanted her to read it aloud or to herself, and I said it would be better if she read it to herself.

She understood why I was unable to finish reading the piece, but said that it is powerful.
'When you had that break there, it seemed as though you were realising...'This is my life.'' ( )
I then started to say ‘September 2007...’ and intended to go from there. ‘We...’ ‘We...’ ‘We...’
‘So many times I have tried to bring this out into the open with people who should have known what they were doing, and I just ended up feeling unsafe.’

‘Your tone changed when you said that. I sense some anger at not feeling heard?’
R and I agreed that whilst it would not be possible to create an absolutely safe environment, the environment in which we meet is safe enough. ‘I am safe. And yet I am still scared.’

R offered that given the nature of what I have experienced, perhaps there will always be some fear there, but perhaps we can start to talk about the things so that I don’t have such a difficult time with them at three in the morning?

‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance is the tip of the iceberg.’
‘OK.’
R sensed that my aim is to bring the stuff that bothers me at two or three in the morning into the session and talk it through. I was able to tell her that I need to talk about the details to get them out and I don’t know what will happen when I do.

‘When I cross that barrier, the floor falls away and I have nothing left to stand on.’

Next week we are going to talk more about September 2007.

I emailed him. I said that I didn't have the right words but would like some kind of response, maybe that things will be okay.

He responded with a few sentences saying that I'd done this before, this is all just an episode, we'll get through it, and it will pass.

I feel like things are crazy. I'm looking forward to my session next week.

I don't think I can ever go back to see my T

omg what happened?

She was proud of me for wearing short sleeves and dressing for the hot weather.
We talked about how upsetting my fathers text to me was (betraying my mother etc - when he ran away to divorce her because he was scared of her - yet I have to still be there....)?
Discussed how I freaked out over leaving something non-clinical in my text and she said it was okay, that I didn't need to censor so much. Things were fine and she wasn't upset, nor was she going to send me away. She loved me and looks forward to when I come. Which we all know that now she's going to be all distant because that's what we do. Close, away, close, away.

Had MC today, but putting that in separate post. I did end up sending him a couple other e-mails last week when he didn't respond to those, ending with one saying I was sorry for bringing up the personal stuff, that he didn't need to respond to any of that, and to please just let me know he'd read the e-mail. He sent the following Saturday night in response:

"LT, thanks for the note. Yes, that is exactly one reason why I try not to divulge too much about myself because I do not want that information to influence what my clients will or will not talk about. It can't help but bring considerations about my feelings into the mix.

It is always ok for you to bring something up in session. If it is affecting you, then it is important and genuine and therefore ok to bring up. Bringing something up will not lead to me, [T] or [H] leaving you. See you Monday."

His response made me cry, in a good way. He's good at knowing what I need to hear (and I told him that)...