In Session Today : Part III

Una, I don't think that's fair.

Either the T knew beforehand that he'd take this day off or he didn't know until the last minute.

If the former, going by my experience, he would let clients know as soon as he knows and ask them if they want an alternate session or a check-in or at the very least, allow clients to express whatever they're feeling.

If the latter, same protocol, with an added apology for the last minute notice.

It's entirely the client's -- not at all the therapist's -- prerogative on whether or not they choose to focus on that for the remainder of the session.

Personally, I'd want to know at the start of session if my T was planning to miss the next one. This happened a couple months in to seeing my current T, where he let me know right at the end of session. Luckily, that hadn't been a particularly intense session, so I was OK with it. But had it been a really intense session, it would have bothered me, because then I wouldn't have seen him for 2 weeks. If I knew at the beginning, it might keep me from delving into a particularly sensitive area, where I could end up feeling either insecure about T (like, is he judging me?) or just really raw emotionally, and then left to hang on my own for 2 weeks.

Actually, I think this may be something to mention to T at next session: "In the future, if you know you're going to be out the next week, could you let me know at the beginning of session?" It might even be good to see if he has any upcoming time in next month when he knows he'll be out, like a conference or planned vacation--not to pry into why he'll be away, just to know. Because then, too, if I know he'll be out one week, maybe I'd see if I could do 2 sessions the week before (he has a pretty flexible schedule), or else see him later rather than earlier in the week before he'd be away.

ETA: Obviously, if it's something he wouldn't know about in advance, like he or his kid is sick, he has to go to a funeral, etc., that's different.

This happened to me at the end of a session too. He was going to a funeral no less and thought it was okay to tell me at the end (this was a couple of years ago now). Luckily there's been no recurrence.

Una, I loved your post, and genuinely thought it was funny. It would be hilarious if it was a guy thing.

Maybe I was unreasonable. We went from missing no sessions to missing 4 bc of the holidays, and at the same time do major trauma stuff. He reads SO much into being late or missing that I plan my life to never miss. It could be I am just too attached to him, and need to stop therapy. Not sure. But your comment was awesome and not painful lol.

Esme, thanks. Omg i have planned my life never to miss also. His vacations are my vacations. The only reason i am taking these couple of weeks off is because i dont want to freeze to death. Almost every day the local news announces an "elderly woman" yeah MY age wandered away from home in her slippers the previous night.

I can't recall the specifics, but early on in my therapy there seemed to be something going on where my therapist was either late or doublebooked or something was wrong about the timing. I finally told her that if a client did that, the therapist would see it as resistance, so I asked her if there was something about me or my therapy that she was resisting? I was being sincere in asking because I really did think it was too much of a pattern to overlook.

After that, no more issues with lateness or other scheduling problems.

This year, I am trying to plan my vacations in alignment with my T's. Problem is, she's taking several long weekends in addition or instead of a long vacation. The plus is no missed full week, the bad, several weeks with only 1 session when used to 2x week.

I hope the "need" to align vacations is a this year only thing. Last year's vacation resulted in a major rupture.

What a great way of dealing with this situation! You are right that T's would see it as resistance. Kudos to you.

Told current T today that it seems all I really want to do these days in therapy is sit and read. Quietly. And, she's free to do whatever she wants during the time.

But, the basic concept is silence.

She was super enthusiastic about the idea. And, suggested I could also bring my writing. Or, my pyrography equipment

In short, she did not share my concern around my $$$ going down....in silence.

If I was her, I would have part of it silent and then spend some time reflecting on what happened in the silence e.g your thoughts and feelings. That would be productive. Otherwise you could just get a cardboard cut out of her and save some $$$$

My T does believe that being together in silence has its place. Though I think I've only taken her up on it when I've been so pissed that I couldn't talk. I don't think that is what she meant by it.

My t says part of what we do as babies is learn to BE with another person ie mother.

Yeah that never happened.

I thought Blondie was a cardboard cutout...

All of the above was said by current T and I do believe there's some science to back it up.

A part of my reason is also that I'm feeling sort of burnt out and considering skipping therapy -- I know that'll end up being a terrible idea given where I am and hence this seems so appealing.

Wait, you're still making it to the cage match, right?

Coz if not

P.S. She told me in detail about her orthotics today -- think it's the closest she'll ever come to Info's Viagra, sadly.

Orthotics? So not sexy.

But it will probably give me an advantage in the cage match.

I hope Info and her husband had a good week.

Thurs 1/11 - I worked in the office today. Wife had dropped me off and was going to pick me up from your office so I only needed to figure out how to get from my office to yours. I ran into old boss in the hallway while at work. I updated her a little on my weekend spontaneous surgery adventure. She asked me if there was anything she could do. I said, well what I really needed was a way from work to doctor’s appointment at the end of the day. She asked me when. I told her that I needed to be there by 5pm, so leave 4:15 – 4:30. She said that she was in a retreat until 5 but it seemed to be moving along quickly and she felt she could give me a ride. She said to ping her when closer to time. I did and she was about to still give me a ride.

When she was ready, she headed to my cube. I put my laptop in my bag and we headed out. She offered to get the car and move it closer to the door. I said that wasn’t needed, that I could walk, just not quickly. We slowed down. She apologized and said that she’d started personal training and was making progress around an injury finally. She slowed down and we worked our way to her car. Once we were more outside, we started talking about my new manager. I told her that I would not be able to work for this manager in the long term. We continued to talk work shop stuff until we got to your office. It was only 4:30 and we were in the middle of a conversation. She pulled off to the side of the road and we sat and talked for 15ish mins.

I headed in, around the side, up the stairs through the doors, making sure to catch the door so it doesn’t slam, down the stairs, push the button, and into the waiting room. I took off my coat and pulled out my journal for today’s session. Someone came down the stairs and around the corner, I think it was you. I sit so that I can’t see who comes down the stairs and they can’t see me.

I had some time, so I took out a highlighter and worked through my copy of the journal marking the different things I wanted to talk about. I got through with that and still had a few moments. I put away the highlighter and waited. You came out shortly thereafter to get me. You said hi, welcome back (something like that). I said hi, and something else. You lead us back to your office. I sat my coat and journal on the couch, and my bag on the floor. I sat down and pulled out my water from my bag, I sat it on the other side of me on the floor. So much for me sitting on the floor. You said something about can’t wait to find out how I was doing. I said I was doing ok, that I went to work today. I said I was tired and sore some. I reached down to my bag and pulled out a light to shine on the glow in the dark puzzle so we could look at it today, at end of session. You went over to the puzzle and rearranged things some, I had turned on the light. I said it was bright and tried to make sure I was not shining it at you when you turned around to get it. I handed you the light and you tried to figure out how to place it. I suggested that you use the puzzle boxes, and you did.

While you were doing this, I tried to adjust the pillows this way and that way, I moved around some on the couch. You returned to your chair and offered me several different pillows and encouraged me to find what would make me feel comfortable. I replied saying that there’s being physically comfortable and then there’s being mentally/emotionally comfortable. I said I might just be fidgety today. You said it was ok.

We continued to talk a little about how I was doing and the whirlwind of my week. I said something about missing you, you said I know. I talked about this and that from being at the hospital. I joked with you about sending that first email from the ED. I said that I thought how mean it would have been to send it with just a subject line of in ED being admitted, knowing it was going to a psychiatrist. You laughed a little at this and the thought of what in the world. Granted even with the infection word in the email you probably were still going what in the world.

I said something and you said how when you got my email about going into surgery you imagined me being rolled down the hallway in a gurney. I said I was. I told you how I was informed that they were coming to get me and I had 30 mins, so I was frantically trying to contact/email everyone that the surgery was happening and 5-10 mins later the gurney showed up and I hadn’t even done the wipe down with the special cloths or switched fresh gown or anything. You said something about being on the same wave length. Some more chit chat about this and laughter.

I tell you that I have pictures of my leg and asked you if you wanted to see pictures of it. You say some positive response – sure? I pulled out my phone and started to pull it up. I talked to myself saying that I don’t need to take another picture of your rug – laughter. I pull up the picture and handed you my phone. You said yes red, angry. You ask if I could feel the heat off of it. I said yes. Told you about having the drain and amount of drainage, I said that I’d see Dr. H next Wednesday. You asked about Dr. B. I said that I would go back to her because I was her patient, he was just the on call attending

This talk reminded me of part of what was in my journal regarding my post on the forum describing my experience of you coming to the hospital to see me. I explained that someone had posted on the forum about their T offering to go to a medical procedure with them and how they’d turned it down. I shared with you that I initially had responded with the fact that you had come see me in the hospital and that I acknowledged that a medical appointment was different than a hospital bed because lots of different people might visit someone in the hospital. You acknowledged that point. I told you that someone else had responded about it being a slippery slope around boundaries and setting up expectations. Then I read to you my reply to that posting, that summarized how my surgeries, the asking/not asking and my feelings around the outcome.

You wanted to know what I thought/felt about it. I said it was interesting to see the progression. I talked about starting to believe or something, not sure about my exact wording. I do see it as development of the bond/attachment/trust/belief in you/us – as growth. The ability to hold the safety of the relationship longer and longer. I tried to recall the exact phrasing of the line in your email. You seemed to know which line I was talking about. Finally, I just said that line about peace and I know. I thanked you for that line. You responded, did you say, “you are welcome”? Something along those lines, acknowledging my thanking you.

Next up – sitting on the floor/not sitting on the floor. I don’t know how I started off the topic. I probably made some joke about it not mattering as much as I can’t sit on the floor right now. I told you that in last session when I sat on the floor and you didn’t offer, I went hmmm ok, let’s see how this goes. I was talking the math stuff at first so I just went with the me on the floor and you in the chair. Then I noticed again at the end that you never moved to the floor. There wasn’t much in the way of stress about it that day/night. An awareness of something different happening and that was about it. I went on to say how the next day the thoughts started picking up about it and the many Elio reasons why it happened. I think you told me here that it just slipped your mind; that there wasn’t ulterior motives in these things, it is just life. I was looking at my journal entry. I didn’t want to read what I had written. I was embarrassed by it. Finally, I said something about you already having it so I might as well read it. You touched your copy of the journal. I had already given it to you rather than waiting until the end like usual. I read my journal entry to you about the sitting on the floor.

You listened to what I was saying. I felt like you were following my many reasons why and my feelings about those different reasons. Then I came to the one about closeness. I felt like you nodded to that one, maybe you thought it had more significance than the others. Maybe it does. We talked some more about this, I reiterated how on session day it didn’t seem to bother me, I even said something about us talking math so it wasn’t that risky. I think something was said about the headspace of the older boy and it was that concept that lead me to bringing up the camp fire.

I asked you if you read about the campfire. You said you had, I asked you what you thought about it. You mimed putting your hands out to warm them by a fire and roasting march mellows. I was looking for something I wrote and realized that it was in an email to a friend. I tried to describe to you what I wrote to her about the camp fire and the parts. I explained that I was seeing the parts around the camp fire being allowed to talk as long as they needed and about whatever they needed to talk about with the I listening, not judging, questioning, or even guiding/directing. Just listening until they all have had their say and have nothing more to say, then the I needs to leave and think about what was said, contemplate what was said. You said like a tribal leader/elder. I said, yes very much like that, in a slow unrushed way about it. Making sure everyone has the time to say whatever they want to say and be/feel heard. You made a comment about my tattoo. I said that this was the image in my head about how to work with my parts.

I said that it is in part what you have shown me, done for me, what I am learning from you. When you told me no to additional touch, you let me just go with whatever came out, whatever part had something to say. You listened and answered the questions. You patiently let me talk. I continued with saying how early on we’d talked about if I was going to be so open with you, share so much with you (in person but mostly through the journal) then I needed to know that whatever I said about us, about you would not affect/change what you were planning to do. You remembered these topics. It’s some of this too. That the I needs to listen and let the parts feel heard without them changing what the I will do (most the time). I got the feeling that you found this a peaceful thought and a way of dealing with my internal world that was consistent with who I am as a person. I talked with a friend some about empathy. I don’t think this is giving those parts empathy as much as giving them space and permission to exist.

This topic wound down and I was unsure if I should continue with what was next on my list. I said that I had wanted to talk about this topic going into last session but we didn’t get to it. I talked about how sometimes when something happens in session I feel like there is more going on with you, I sense something happening. I said that most the time it is a good thing and I am willing to accept that it is just my perception a significant portion of the time. I say that I like it and I don’t mind if it is just my perception because of what I get from it. We talked about the risk of me bringing it up and you saying that there isn’t anything, how would I feel about it. I say that I don’t think that would go over very well. That I wouldn’t want my bubble burst. There is such an element in my process that is all about the feelings of the moment. I think that if what I feel isn’t what is going on, then I will lose out on something important. You also asked, if I did sense something negative and you confirmed it how would that affect things. How would it be for me to have that confirmed. I don’t think anything is concluded here.

I was thinking about should I or should I not tell you about last session. You said that I seemed to be thinking something. I said I was, you said I know, we laughed. I start to tell you my thoughts and my watch goes off. Again, laughing. I wonder if 5 mins is really appropriate to bring up this topic. I tell you that last session, when we were talking about “if something bad happens to you” section, I sensed something more was going on with you. You asked me what did I sense or see. I describe that it seemed like something more was going on for you, that you seemed to withdraw. It felt like you were still there and listening to me, but more was happening when you said the ok’s. You don’t confirm or deny anything here. I think I even said something about confirming or denying but that might have been part of the earlier topic. A little more was said, I don’t remember. I got quiet and started shuffling my journal pages. I was uncomfortable with the space. I felt yucky. You just sat there. I didn’t look at you.

Somewhere in the session, I brought up the joke from a friend. I told you that she had another math joke. You said that you hoped you could follow it. I said that you could. I found it in my journal and read it to you – her comment about work is not a subset of rest. You laughed at that. I don’t know if it was this joke that I used to help close the session. I said something to help reconnect.

I scooted to the edge of the couch. I said that this might be changing, that something is changing with it. Maybe I’m starting to believe, really believe that you know. It’s more than believing that you know, I don’t know what it is.

me: I love you
you: I know

I don’t want to leave. It is clear I don’t want to leave, I don’t know what I said. I think I said something about having a good trip. I said to be safe, and joked about being well, because we forgot that last time and I ended up in the hospital, you laughed and returned the statements. I struggle to go. We confirm that we are on for Tuesday. I said something about 5 sleeps. You tried to do the math and I said Thursday to Tuesday, 5 sleeps. I comment about how 5 sleeps are too many. I work my way out the door, and up the stairs. A voice in my head repeating, “don’t make me go, don’t make me go”. I got to the top of the stairs and turned around to close the door. I laughed as I recalled the light for the puzzle and how I had forgotten all about it. I think about going back down. I can’t go back down, I can’t leave you again. I figure it will be there next time and I leave. I almost feel good about not forcing myself to return for the light. I almost feel like I am being good to that part. I didn’t need the light during the week, why torture it by making it leave you again (and yes, I notice that I am referring to that part as an it). Remember when I talked about the really young part, younger that the little boy, it was genderless. At the time I thought it was the little boy, as I write this, I realize that it didn’t feel like the little boy – it didn’t feel like it was anything but a voice in my head.

T today, part 1. Sat down, I mentioned how it felt like it had been longer than a week since I'd seen him. He asked why, then said he also realized in the past few weeks, because of all that was going on, I'd had more contact with him and MC. And he didn't know if I'd had any in past week with MC. I said, "Well, actually I did..." He said I seemed to be hiding when I said that and asked why. I said because I ended up e-mailing him...but that I guessed it was OK. That I should have talked about it with T last session but opted not to. Then that night I got all emotional, typed out e-mail to MC, gave it 12-hour waiting period, then sent it. Felt OK about it, like about what I said.

Handed copy to T to read, while I looked around his office, noticing some books and decor I hadn't noticed before, including a Hamsa. And some book on Chinese fighting. He went to hand it back to me, and I said he could keep it. He asked if I was just going to throw it away, and if so, he'd put it in my file. I said, "well, I'd recycle it, but yeah." So he kept it.

I said I felt mostly OK about MC's response, particularly the first line, where he said he wanted to work this through with me. I said it made me feel like he really cared, that he was willing to work on it. I said I was less sure about next part, where he says he's made mistakes--that's he's imperfect and has/will make mistakes. I said I felt like it was a cop-out of sorts. T said he understood why I felt that way, since he wasn't mentioning a specific mistake.

I said we were seeing him Friday, how I'd had a discussion with H about it after the e-mail, and he agreed to request an appointment sooner than Feb. 5. I said how I was nervous about the session, unsure how to approach it, if it would just be a single session, multiple session conversation or what. T said the best way to approach it might be to just start with a single thought, instead of a whole list of things, because then MC might just respond to one, and not the one I thought was most important. To make the one point, then see where it goes from there. He suggested one thing I could start with was MC's comment about how he's "not perfect" and how I thought it was kind of a cop-out because it's such a generalization. And then see if maybe MC would actually mention some specific mistake he made.

I said I was worried MC would say he shouldn’t have allowed any outside contact in the first place, because that might feel like he’s saying he shouldn’t have cared as much as he did (I started tearing up at that point). T seemed to understand why that would upset me. And he said that if he does say that, to tell him how it made me feel.

Around this time, T was fiddling with the cuff on his sleeve and his Fitbit. He said he felt like the Fitbit was bothering him, and I said I knew you were supposed to wear them looser if you're not actively exercising (I have one, too). He said he thought it was maybe that the cuff was too tight. He was then like, "OK, I'm going with the cuff roll today" and rolled up his cuffs. Then he said, "I bet you didn't think you'd spend part of the session watching me get dressed!" I just laughed. Amusingly a couple minutes later, I realized I'd missed a button on my blouse, but I was wearing a camisole under, so no skin was shown!

Also, because of the other thread, I kinda kept starting at his eyes during session, trying to determine if they were green, hazel, or something else. I think they're green? I thought about asking him, but felt awkward doing that. He didn't seem to notice the staring! OK, more in a bit (separate post).

Sometimes I want to just sit in T1s office while he does whatever. I get it. I have never actually asked for that though. I think he would agree to it; not sure what he would do about payment.

Not my usual session write up. Today's session was about processing through my weekend. I had several discussions with different people about a few different topics that didn't go very well. So rather than going into a long posting of ... I told you that a friend said this and a I said that, and the friend said this... and then this other friend and I talked about blah.. and I was sad... the bottom line, I pretty much ranted the entire session about my disappointments, desires, options, losses, supports in these relationships/interactions. T was great in being supportive (like any good T should). She asked me questions like what would it be like if I would have done this or that, I bet that felt good to hear that, of course you want your friend to do/be... this, yes that is scary...

One thing that came out was a significant amount of emotions in remembering how hard it was for me to choose this path and embrace the little boy inside; to let him live.

We did return to the topic of increasing my sessions to 3x a week. T told me that she is undergoing further training to be able to support the 3,4,5 x week style of therapy because she believes in it. She wanted to reassure me that she'd have teachers and supervision to help guide her. I told her my biggest fear (I was surprised that I shared it with her) is that we'd increase and that she'd decide that it was being harmful and want us to return to 2x week and I wouldn't want to do that. One of my big themes of life/therapy is having things taken away from me because someone in authority has the ability/right to do so and I have no say in the matter - other than my usually response of just walking away. She thanked me for sharing this fear with her. It's a big one for sure. At one point, she said it would be unethical for her to do something that she didn't feel was helpful for me. I liked that she phrased it this way verse it being unethical for her to do something that was harmful. She admitted that we don't always know going into something on how it will turn out, we can discuss things and keep open mind as we go through something to ensure we are staying on the helpful side of things.

One other topic discussed is my new philosophy on coping mechanisms. Given that everything we do is in response to some stimuli (mostly external) then everything we do is a coping mechanism and is done to relieve some form of "stress", then there is no good or bad, healthy or unhealthy... there is only a matter of the safety in the coping mechanism. How safe is this action in comparison to the risks and other elements in my life at the moment? I guess there is an element of effectiveness as well, though I didn't have that in my initial thoughts - maybe that is just another factor in the risks determination. She asked me one of those how do you feel or what does it do for you.. types of questions. I told her that it came from her statements of 'doing my best to keep myself in my best condition at any given moment'. I said I liked it because it removes judgment from the equation. How safe is the response I want to do because of some stimuli and is there a safer thing I could do to elevate that stress and keep myself in a better shape (overall)? I don't know what she thought of my idea. I know I like it.

Today, I went in and was all , but inside felt like . We talked and she had some interesting things to say, so I was taking it in and while I felt likea time or two, there was no . And at the end it felt like we were on the same page . So that felt.

i applaud your amazing use of emojis. StopDog would be revolted, but i <3 it.

I agree, very impressive!!

rr - very you felt by the end of your session.

He was great, very helpful. Was a more adult session than those of recent times. Had a few outside issues I needed to process. He was very useful indeed. Not sure how I will ever manage without him.