In Session Today : Part III

Monday 1-22 session notes:
I worked in the office today. I had driven in so I drove to your office after work. Today was the first day at the earlier schedule. It’s 30 mins earlier and I left a bit earlier than I needed to. I didn’t know about traffic and since we have to end on time, I didn’t want to be late at all. I was having anxiety about it being early about you having to leave right after. I was also angry with you. That had started earlier in the day and only grown throughout the day. I felt like I was going to bring up topics where I’d be disappointed. I knew it would not be good for me to fully immersed in emotions today so I brought with me my spiny ball so I could spin it in my hand while we talked. As I had packed up to head to your office I had imagining tearing up the Art book, throwing it all over the place, it didn’t mean anything to me.

As I was driving to your office, my thoughts were about the topic today and how to bring it up, how to calm or manage my anger, and what I really wanted to say/do with that anger. I believed it was coming from the older boy. However, none of them were really talking to me. And fear/being scared started to seep in.

As I drove by the library, I thought I should pull over and just return the Art book, same with the Ask Me book; however, I didn’t have that one with me. I knew these feelings were fleeting and not ones I should act on; that I would regret them later. I had the time, if I would have had the Ask Me book, I might have done it. I thought about telling you to tear up my copy of the Art book that you have; that I don’t want it back.

I thought about coming in and sitting on the floor in the space between the printer cabinet and the couch, I thought about going to the corner, I wouldn’t have cared that there was stuff there. Today, I could move the stuff – or so I told myself. I was convinced I could move the stuff, I could touch your stuff if it was in my way. Also, forget my leg, it didn’t matter.

I got to your building and parked on the street, around the building in the doors, down the stairs, push the button, and into the waiting room. There was a coat sitting on the chair where I usually sit. I sat further into the room, this allowed me to see more out of the waiting room and down the hallway. I pulled out my notebook and the ball. I didn’t pull out the Art book.

The one therapist whose door opens directly to the waiting room came out and was startled by me being there. Then someone else came in and sat down. I thought that it was busy, that lots of people was here. I wasn’t used to so much traffic. I wasn’t liking this earlier time. I hoped this other person wasn’t there to see you as well. It was a different schedule and thing/mistakes could be made. The client before me came out of your office and headed to the bathroom. I think it was yet another new person. I’ve now seen I believe 5 different clients other than me. After a minute or so you came out to get me. You said hi and waved at me, then noticed the other person in the room. You didn’t seem to know that person and you told me to come on back. Your smile was nice and warm.

We headed back and I go in. I look at the space between the couch and the printer cabinet, there is still the one shelf there, and I wasn’t sure I’d fit. I look at the corner and the light is there. I can move it says a much quieter voice in my head. Another voice says, we don’t need the corner; that’s right, we don’t need the corner. I sit in my usual spot on the couch. I move the pillow so I can sit more comfortably. I put my bag on the floor, notebook on the couch and keep the ball in my hands. You sat down and noticed the ball. I've only used the ball a couple of times.

hi... hi...

I pause, where to go, what to say. I say I am doing better, my leg is doing better. You sighed in relief and said something about that being good. We talked a little about my leg and I shared the daily picture of it. You agree it looks much better. Your face seems to tell me that it still looks painful. The way I read your response felt good, like you were not just asking for an update. It felt like you were worried and was waiting with anticipation (on the edge of your seat) to how I was doing with my leg.

Sometimes I wonder if the boundary is hard on you too; the not able to really initiate contact. Today, I think it was hard some for you to wait to find out how I was doing. Then again, projection? reality? Is there a difference in those moments? I want you to care, to love me, so do I take you changes in body language and what seems to be a sigh of relief and smile as caring and love ... or do you respond that way because there is caring and love there as well as a boundary that you have to adhere to as much as I do. I choose to believe the latter - that you care and love me; and you live by the boundary that is needed as part of this work, and perhaps that is hard on you at times as well.

I took back and set aside my phone and pick up the ball again. I start spinning the ball and looking at it/the floor, then back at you. I said that I wanted to talk about the more sessions and your training, I explain that as I had written, the only therapy I know of that is 3,4,5 x week is psychoanalytical and from what I understand, that’s different than what we've been. I said something about it is just “sit back and talk” and a lot less interactive [from you]. You asked me to tell you more about what I am thinking about psychoanalytical. I'm sitting there going, there isn't more, that's pretty much it. One sits back and talks (or lays on couch) and talks... and the therapist... just kind of is there with little interjection. I reiterated the sit and talk, no/little interaction. I said something else, then I said not as ... I didn't want to use the word I've been using to describe it - the experiential, I don't know why ... maybe because you used to be a teacher and in that world, it has specific meaning, which is close to what we are doing but I didn't want you to go to teacher mode or to think of it in those terms. I said not so (hmm don't remember exact word) feeling/doing, maybe I said experiencing (that doesn't sound right either).

I keep talking and I'm spinning the ball as I talk. I look at the floor and back at you. I say this and that ... you are listening, then I say no more playing… this and that... and I say, have to grow up… this and that... we are not welcomed - I'm thinking the little boy... I'm feeling the little boy - all inner parts are scared, he is feeling unwelcomed in the moment.

I'm spinning the ball, moving how I am holding it, spinning it, pressing my fingers into the spines of i. I see you catch the phrases, I'm watching you enough to see that they land. At this point, I'm crying in session, not bawling, just a few tears dripping... this and that said, don't really remember, you said that you don’t know if this will help, that you’ve drawn heavily on psychoanalytical stuff for our work and that it is a very wide field. The parts are not with me, they are scared, I can feel all of them being scared, and sad at not being wanted. Being unwanted (no longer wanted) is a very bad feeling. It doesn't ever go away. Anytime I think about/feel the unwanted, I get scared and I cry. More said, not really sure what...

Somehow, we started talking about increasing sessions. I told you that as long as Tuesday was my only option to increase sessions that I didn't think the gains were worth the risks. I said that it wouldn't address the Th-M swing. You seemed to understand and commented on that adding Tuesday might even make that swing harder. I talked about the 3 days. We talked about the th-m swing and how 3 days is fine, I can do 3 days. I tell you that when it is 5 days is never going to happen. That I don't see it. I mean I know it's going to happen, it just feels like it's forever away, I can't feel it. I tell you that 4 days is kind of a grey area, I can do it (really thinking about this once home, 2 days is what is really good). You say something about a Friday or Sat. I said that at some point if you were to offer 4,5 times a week, you’d have to open your schedule more and we could approach the more sessions at that time. You seemed to accept this information with openness and understanding. I got thinking once at home that you might have been thinking that you would do M-Th thing and have 3 day weekends. Which wouldn't help me in the Th-M swing, unless I did do all 4 days and just needed the break of the weekend; not ideal, not sure if desired.

As things here were winding down, I start really playing with the ball again... and looking at the floor. Somehow, I tell you I am angry. You asked or said something about me being angry at you. I indicate yes. You asked about me being angry that you don't offer Friday sessions. I said no. I don't tell you what I am really angry about. I said something about you changing and not my place. You said something and I repeat you changing and not my place. You asked what I mean by not my place. I said your life. You said something that let me know you understood more what I meant.

I want to say... didn't you think about me when you made this decision to do this program, how this would affect me... part of me knows that you did and to some degree because of our work, that our work had some factor to your decision to want to learn more how to help in this way, type of deal; still I feel like.... ... like… … and I am thinking... we are always changing. I said change is hard for me. All that thinking and all I said is change is hard for me. You said something about me not having good experiences with change.

I told you about talking to a friend about this change and how I thought it was about Uncle R and then I thought about my mom, how she changed in respect to the birth of my sister. I tell you remind you that my mom’s pregnancy with my sister was hard. I said that my mom was told that my sister would be born mentally retarded and/or physically disabled and that the doctors recommended an abortion. You said something about before it was legal. 1971, not sure if it was legal in Oregon or not, but yeah, they recommended it if she didn’t stay in bed. It was more of a threaten because of how much she was endangering both her and my sister.

I continued, when my sister was born they had to go out and buy doll clothing because she was so small. She was full term with hair and fingernails. She was healthy. You listened. I cried more when I talk about my sister and how she was never fat, social, happy... everything I never was, girly... that I wasn't my mom's little girl anymore. I talked about the relief my mom must have felt at my sister being born healthy and how that possibly played into things, but also baby of the family, and everything my mom is. I told you how up until about 6 yrs ago, my mom and my sister did lots together, and talked almost daily if not multiple times a day. I said how they had their rough patch when my sister was doing drugs. But then she stopped, went back to school, and... You listened, just listened, empathetically listened – witnessed.

During this time, I spun the ball, not as much as I talked through it. I’m not really sure what happened here or how things wrapped up here. It seemed like we talked more about this, but I don't really remember. I don’t know if you said anything at all through this exchange other than the interjection about the abortion.

I started talking about my weekend conversation with friends. One of the conversations was about how I started parts work. This brought us to reminiscing on how we did start the parts work. I laughed at the tattoo. I told you how I realized it was a test for you. You asked me how so. I said something about not yelling. I had said something and you talked about not knowing if you should ask or not ask. I found it cute and glad in a way that you were unsure which way to go. I don’t think there would have been a wrong way, just different experience. I like the experience I got. You were interested when I finally did tell you about it and that was good. I had the time to make the tattoo mine, truly mine. It was nice to reminisce about that. I told you that I smile whenever I think about how the tattoo came to be. It will always be a reminder of you, the bratty thought pattern of “how you can’t tell me what to do, it’s my body”, and this process.

I told you that after you accepted the tattoo, that was when the little boy started talking to me, and I thought I was going crazy. I really did. You meant so much to me then. I couldn’t understand why every little thing was all about you. Why you cancelling caused me such grief. Why I was mad and worried/terrified that I might not see you again? Why I felt like every decision regarding life paths had to be passed through you. It made no sense; being a grown adult. That is how I found the forum. I thought I was losing it. You kind of smiled at that.

From here we started talking about another conversation from the weekend. I think I was crying again at this point. I said something about me not being able to tell the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness/disrespectful. That I don’t know how to be assertive and not feel bad. You asked me how did I tell when other people are assertive or aggressive. I said that I don’t do a very good job at that. I said that I take lots of stuff as aggressive or hostile. So, I don’t know what is the difference. I didn’t say that when people are assertive it feels like I am being blocked and I take it hostile or I feel like they are being critical and I am bad in some way. I even think people are yelling at me when they’re not actually yelling, just when I feel they have a strong, different, or disapproving position. We talked about a few techniques in communication that shows respect, openness, ownership, and assertiveness.
Time was up, and this was the first Monday with the new schedule. I keep trying to move on, leave. I need to leave, she needs to leave.
me: I love you
you: I know

me: I’m scared
you: I know

I sit there... I want to tell you don't change.

me: I want to tell you to not to change.
you: (a non-verbal response; it felt understood, compassionate, and aware that change was going to happen (something like that)

me: don't change very quickly.
you: I know.

You tell me it's ok to be scared, thank me for being me, all of me

Some more said, and I thank you for being you, you said right back at you. I'm getting up by now. You said to stay safe, be well. and blah

I left. I was sad, alone. As I drove away, a song came on the radio that reminded me of a friend. I couldn’t listen to the song. I was missing my friend. I got home, ate dinner, I felt sad, alone, and little. I cried. The phone rang and I hoped it was you. I didn’t even go to the phone because I knew it wasn’t you.

In a way I kind of agree with them. If you have a problem with something your therapist said it makes perfect sense to talk to the therapist directly about it. And mostly that's the advice people give here. However, sometimes it will be two weeks or more between sessions, and you are supposed to just sit with all those emotions until then? Especially if the therapist doesn't like in between emails, etc.

I find this forum can help give perspective. Like, I might think something my T is doing that bothers me is totally normal, but on here, can find out that maybe it's not so common. And it can really help to find other people who have been through similar things with their therapists--this site really helped me when I was first feeling transference for MC (a couple years ago...) and made me feel less alone. I can see why therapists might not like it though. In a way, it can be like a bunch of employees going to lunch together and *****ing about their boss/job. You're right that it can be important to take issues you're having to your T, rather than just talking about them on here. But here can help give perspective and validation. So it doesn't just feel like the client vs. the authority figure...

Edited to add: Plus, if your real-life friends/family members aren't in therapy (or haven't had similar experiences), it can be weird to talk to them about it. Like my mom being all, "Shouldn't you be done with therapy by now?" And some friends have been generally supportive, but also seemed a bit bewildered when I talked about transference. Like, "You should just stop seeing this person!" Well...it's not that easy...

I totally agree with everything you are saying. Also sometimes it just seems so long between sessions and it's nice to have this place for additional support. I am curious if other people have told their therapists about PC, so I started another thread...there might have been one before, but I hadn't seen one recently.

I am six months into my very first experience of therapy. I've pushed myself every week in sessions, but last week I went over the edge. I started talking about the incident. My T was very understanding, empathic, and was not overly comforting - which always makes me turn things around, wanting to comfort him instead. It felt like I could finally say things that I've never said before. It didn't feel like I had to take care of him - which I've been told I tend to do during sessions.

But now this thing is present every single day. It's in my head, it's crushing me, it's making things hard to breathe. Everything feels like it requires an enormous amount of effort. But I continue to work and do what I need to do every day. My T has asked that I contact him should things get difficult this week. I appreciated his offer, but I have as of yet taken him up on his offer. Not because i don't trust him, but because I still worry about bothering him.

Also, hi! I'm new here.

Thanks for sharing, Emerald, and welcome! If your T offered outside contact, I think it's OK to take him up on that...

In asking you to contact him if things are difficult, it sounds like your T realized that bringing something painful up to the surface can be a bit destabilizing. I'd guess that he genuinely meant it as a request -- to let him know if things are really tough. And it sounds like they are very tough for you right now.

You can always start off by saying "It's hard for me to say this because I'm really not wanting to bother you, but the truth is I'm really struggling." Hopefully he can reassure you that it's not a bother at all, and perhaps he can say something to make this week go by a little more easily.

One of the most grueling sessions I’ve had with kashi to date. Started off lighthearted enough as I got over the shock of his new very-short haircut. But this week he scheduled extra time for me even though he feels he can’t charge me for it because of an insurance contract issue. (Was planning on paying out of pocket for the extra part. )

I started to finally tell him about the abuse and neglect I suffered in a daycare setting when I was young. Also told him the fuzzy memories of other events. I wanted to make the best use of the extra time so I really wanted to tell him as much as possible today. As it became harder to speak he said I was doing a “Freudian thing” , covering my mouth. He gently asked me to take my hand away from my face and put
my palm out face up. He walked me through a relaxation exercise all while softening his voice and telling me I’m safe. It helped. I was able to tell him a bit more not everything. He was really present and at the end revealed a personal situation affected by him right now but our work together helps him too not that therapy should be about him. He said I was one of the gems of his practice, I think meaning that he finds our work rewarding. I said how important he has been to me Got my hug at the end. Afterwards I felt a little foggy driving around doing errands after therapy. I also feel tired and muscle soreness all over. A hard but rewarding session.

Hugs, Growly...sounds like your T was really connecting with you and empathizing. Hope you can get some sleep tonight...

Growly <3 hugs if you want. You're brave and I hope you can rest well tonight.

Thank you I am trying to hold off on it unless things start to get unbearable and there's just no way for me to handle things alone. I'm trying a long list of things first before I hit that send button. It's probably the reason why I've finally started posting here.

It's a little difficult for me to reach out, fearing that it will make him think I am desperate for attention - which I know sounds stupid.

Thank you! I see him very soon and I am sure he will be asking about how my week went. When he does, I will do my best to be honest instead of the usual "things were fine" answer. That will be probably a good transition to talking about contacting him outside of sessions.

It doesn't sound stupid, it sounds pretty understandable. We don't want to be a burden on people. We want to be independent and strong. It takes a lot to admit that we need help. But sometimes we do, which is ok. My guess is that your therapist would be fine with you emailing, otherwise he wouldn't have offered. We're glad you are posting here too though.

Y'know, I feel the same way, not wanting to be a burden and stuff but this past week my h was hospitalized w a scary infection and I made myself reach out - I had no choice and it was amazing the support I found. I even called my t on Friday even though I'm on a break right now and she gave me 15 very compassionate minutes and helped a lot, and followed the phone call w an email thanking me for calling. That confused me at first until I realized people do want to help. I wish you the best!

Thurs 1-25 session:
I was running so late today. Work was crazy and I was still trying to wrap up last sessions note. Additionally, I was feeling down most the day with some anger. By time I got in the car to come see you, I only had 15 mins. I got going and the song Thunder by Imagine Dragons came on the radio. I like this song and sang to it on the way to your office. I wondered if you knew it. I thought about playing it for you. I got to your building with 5 mins to spare but there was no parking right there. I had to go up the block some to find a parking spot. I hurriedly walked to your building, around the back, and through the door. 1 min. I was carrying the big piece of cardboard, the smaller cardboard portfolio and had my backpack. There was someone waiting inside the back door and I had to maneuver things around to get into the second door. I went down the stairs, pushed the button and into the waiting room. I was the only one there. You came right out to see me.

Hi.. cardboard… hi. You seemed so upbeat/excited. I had been so down, I still was down. I didn’t want to bring you down. Also, the cardboard wasn’t for anything exciting. As we entered your office, you commented on me must have drove to have been able to bring the cardboard. Yes. I sat the cardboard on the couch, my bag on the floor, and took off my coat. I said that I had been meaning to bring in the cardboard to replace the shelving for the puzzle under the couch. You asked if I wanted to do that now. I said we could or did you want to cut down the cardboard. You said that it would give us room for extra pieces and it wasn’t larger than the couch. I said sure and laid it on the floor. We worked together to try to get the puzzle onto the cardboard. It had fallen off the shelf and we tried hard to scoot it onto the cardboard without it falling apart. It did come apart in a few places, not many. We got it put back together and slid back under the couch. You moved the 2 shelves to the space between the couch and the printer cabinet.

I returned to the couch and got the cardboard portfolio. I opened it up and showed you that it was just our coloring sheet and I sat it on the floor in front of you. I went over and got the colored pencils/crayon tote off the bookshelf. As I got them I thought, I can touch those they are mine. I returned and put them on the floor. I got down on my knees and pulled out my blanket from my back pack. I laid down on my belly, I looked at the puzzle under the couch, then tucked my blanket up to use as a pillow.

We opened up tote and took out the colored pencils. You opened them and spread them out into tiers. I picked a color and debated where to color. I told you that I had a rough day. I said it had been a long few days. I started coloring. I think I told you that I was sad and was mad earlier. My heart was not in it. My heart wasn’t in the puzzle either. I talked a little about my day as I finished coloring the little portion I had started. Then I put the colored pencil down and hugged my blanket.

I told you that I still had not heard from my personal trainer. I told you that I met with the groupon place and their prices were so not what was listed on groupons. I said that they offered to send me some names and one of them was my personal trainer. I didn’t take this the further step to talk about trying to reach out to her again.

I told you that I saw surgeon and no more infection, no more antibiotics, and wrap tightly for 2 more weeks. You asked me something about this and I said that it was looking much better. I said that I would have liked 5 more days of antibiotics, but that I understood their position as antibiotics are not something you want to cause problems for your overall health. Still I wanted to make sure every single infection cell was taken cared of. You asked me if it was because I thought if it did come back it would be resistant. I said yeah or that it would be harder, yeah. I think I again said it was looking much better.

Somewhere in here I got up, I had lost my earring and I couldn’t find it easily. Since, I had to get up and shake my blanket some to find it; I told you that I lost it. At first, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t really want to say anything. Once I had to move, I didn’t want you to wonder what I was doing. I found it and put it back in. I tried to go back to coloring, you had stopped as well. I couldn’t color. It was too much to try to color. You still sort of colored. It made me wonder briefly if you were even coloring or just pretending. You stopped coloring too. It was ok.

I continued with my updates – I saw sleep med. I told you about the 11 breathing related events, 2 limb related events, and 39 spontaneous events. You clarified limbs, I moved my arms and said limb movement. I told you that he wanted to send me to see a therapist for insomnia. You smiled/laughed, I took it as amusement. I said yeah, after the big discussions of increasing sessions and I laughed. We talked on this for a bit. I told you about how when the sleep study was done, I was between my 2 surgeries so my legs were a mess and the bed was not comfortable but still ratios. You seemed to agree that the ratios were significant. I told you that I had wanted to get the report for you but forgot to ask for it. I told you that I had looked it up online and was surprised to find out that events like what happened with my daughter could create this more long-lasting sleep problems. I went back to there because that was when I really stopped sleeping. You agreed and explained it as sleep conditioning. You didn’t seem so convinced that the CBT-I would be helpful. You let me know that you led/taught the group at old clinic one time (maybe more). I asked you then that you had the knowledge and we could pursue that if I wanted. You said yes. You said that I was already doing the bed restriction and asked about an insomnia bed. I told you that I had saw that suggestion and talked to my wife about it. She is supportive of it as a short-term thing. We talked about me getting blood work done and checking the different levels. I wonder about the thyroid. I might need to lower that dose again. I also brought up it being just part of menopause. With me keeping my ovaries, I’m not sure how much that plays into it. You asked about the naltrexone. I said that was one thing I was unhappy about. I had hoped they would been able to mark time wise where the different events happened so that we could see if there was any clustering. They were not able to do that. I said that we’d tackle this once I was done with the work project.

I put my head on the blanket and started to cry, I brought up the idea that if I solve my sleep issues and I feel much better then I might lose what I have here with you. I told you that I knew that sounded messed up. You asked something to clarify. I said something about what I’d lose again. You said some stuff… wonder what I would gain. More was said, I cried. I’m really not sure what happened in this part, what was said, where I went with things. We talked for a little bit of time here. It’s kind of a blur of emotions – sadness. So much loss.

Eventually something led me to pulling out my journal. I said that first I have something for you. I gave you the picture of “that’s how I roll” (http://assets.rebelcircus.com/blog/w...mart-humor.jpg). You looked at it, smiled, thanked me. You asked me if I made it or found it. I said I found it. That I liked it and thought it would go into my math/science tattoo. You said something about it that indicated that you liked it.

I started reading through my journal, summarizing and reading it. I don’t remember the order of things. I think I began with the passage of not being ready to go into the next cycle with you. You thought the imagery of the truck was vivid/strong. We talked a little here, I don’t remember what.

I then scanned the page and read to you about being mad at you in the morning and feeling like things were ending between us.

I read, “replaceable, and that was what I learnt from having a little sister. “ I summarized the feelings around having to leave on time, forcing me to grow up.

You non-verbally responded to the “Man am I big on the preemptive feelings” statement.

I read
I shared with you that after session I felt like I wasn’t connected to you and that I felt little. I went on to say how I didn’t feel connected to you throughout the week. That I missed you a lot – I couldn’t find you. I still wasn’t really feeling you. I remember looking at the puzzle again, later in the session, hoping to feel something for it/with it. I didn’t.
As I continued looking through my journal, I shared with you what was going for me on the drive to last session. Then I jumped to how I was feeling after session. I again read to you about feeling little and being unable to concentrate. I told you that I tried the circle concept to get my parts to talk and share with me what was going on. We talked about the image I had of the yogi man/weeping buddha. I described the position of the figure in my mind. I told you that at first it felt like someone younger than the little boy, then it felt adult. I told you that it was trying to see a shadow or fog out the corner of your eye and when you turned to look at it directly you don’t see anything. I told you that the parts are scared and not talking to me.
I read more about post session and how I gave up trying to work on things and just went and did laundry, about thinking I should have asked about the wrapping paper because of it being a day for disappointments and why I had brought in the purple ball.
I don’t remember you saying anything through this part of the session. I did read about and talk about frequency of sessions and how I had talked to my wife about it, my thoughts that you might have been thinking of going to M-Th office days to get your 4x week offering to people. I said how that still wouldn’t help me with the Th-M swing except if after 4 days on, I would just want/need the break. You kind of laughed at this… and said something about getting away from it… maybe you used the break word. It was light hearted commentary.

My watch had gone off, I knew our time was up. I pulled out the calendar and said that I had wanted to talk to you about your time off. You told me about the Feb dates as they are concrete. We marked them on my calendar. You indicated time in June, July, and Sept. You said these were not for sure yet and you were not positive about the weeks. The one in Feb is coming the week of my upgrade at work. I don’t think this is a good thing. You talked about maybe being able to do video visits on the other weeks but not the Feb one. I’m going to need to ask you your available on the Feb one. You did let me know that you were planning on working President’s day so with that break, I would see you the Monday before and the Monday after your trip (only 7 days). I managed your last vacation. It wasn’t pretty. And 5 days is really hard for me. What can we do to make it easier? This is not a matter of me not being able to ask. I don’t know what to ask for. Can you dream with me to find out/figure out what would work for me? We only have 5 visits to sort this out.

I went to pack up my stuff. I told you that the printer messed up and printed your copy of the journal as double sided. We made sure that your copy was your copy, that it didn’t have the personal portion of the journal. We packed up the color pencils, you wanted to make sure the colors stayed in order. We put them in the tote and closed up the tote. I got up and went to put the tote back on the bookshelf. Now I felt uncomfortable with your stuff again. I was worried that putting down the tote would scratch something. I was able to put it down. I was just aware that now I was touching your stuff.

I pack up my bag and sat on the couch. It was time for me to say our closing. I wasn’t feeling it, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it. I said that I didn’t want to lose the feeling of love and being loved. I said that I know that I love and am loved. It’s the feeling. You said something about the visceral sensation of love. I said yeah. I didn’t remember what these things felt like before therapy. I’m afraid of losing it. I think you understood that was what I meant by losing when I said losing you. I still think it’s a bit messed up.

I sat there a moment, debating saying what was in my head. Finally I said it, I'm sorry. You looked at me, I think I surprised you with that statement. I said I know. You said that you knew I knew. You asked about the I'm sorry. I said for crying, for being sad, for being me. I wanted to say for dropping all of this at your feet, being a downer.

I paused again. Do I say the I love you? I don’t know. I still don’t want to go. Eventually I say that I’d probably be mad at myself later if I didn’t say it so I said “I love you” You said, “I know”. More was said as we wrapped up, be safe, be well, thank you. You said 3 sleeps starting tomorrow – or in the morning.

I headed out and there were people in the different offices. That was the most I’d seen. The one person that is by the bathroom was at their desk and they looked up as I came out. That kind of bothered me some. Dr. F. cannot really see you as you come around the corner to the stairs. He was at his desk too.

My T has asked me why suffer if an email can elevate the pain. I know when I first started emailing her for support, emailing didn't elevate the pain because it would start a cycle of would she respond, when would she respond, how soon will it be, what will she say when she does respond.... and a bunch of other things. I't's taken a while but I know she will respond now. Some other T's allow you to email but will not respond. Do you know if he will respond?

I know exactly what you mean by that cycle...it often ended up causing me more distress at times, I think, particularly with MC, when he wouldn't get back to me for days. T, though he charges for longer e-mails, is great about getting back to me--for a longer one I sent him a few weeks ago, after 24 hours, he wrote to apologize for not responding sooner, that he should have some time the next morning. And he did write back then (a very long, touching response). I'd much rather a T check in and say "Won't be able to get to this for a few days" than leave me hanging.

But that's an excellent question--has he said if he will respond? And what sort of response he'd send? Many T's don't want to conduct "therapy over e-mail." So he could just send something like, "Got this, let's discuss in session." I think it's a good discussion to have with T (in session), what outside contact policies are. (Also, I'd recommend finding out what T's definition of a "crisis" is and what you should do in that situation, because that can vary.)

I also get this cycle and now I just email him if its truly important, more often than not we text instead, texting does not freak me out because it's more instant than email... but it does suk when he chooses not to reply. I know he wont always reply but it's still tough when he doesn't.

Emails personally are the worst for me, I still hate it. I'm better but if I do email, he now takes his time to really think of how to word it because we have had too many misunderstandings

growly, I'm glad you made the most of your session. I had a sudden feeling of wanting to be considered a gem by my therapist. And this is after I just told her I thought she'd rather have my dog for a client than me. So the chances of this ever being the case are slim. Also...I have no idea why this is a sudden need.

Elio, your phrase "preemptive feelings" reminds me of the anticipatory grief that I feel in advance of any potential loss, or hint of potential loss, or upcoming change.

Thanks for this. But what a brat I am for thinking “what do you mean ‘one of’ your gems? Why not the only?” Wanting this sure is a slippery slope to wanting to be his favorite person period. In Super Bowl terms, his GOAT (greatest of all time) Grandiose wanting to be the Tom Brady of his practice? Not weird or anything!!! If it helps, as much as he throws me these bones I have a sense that there are many many patients he is fond of. Like most of them. That is likely with anyone who does this for a living.

I showed my t the post I wrote earlier today. I didn't write it with the intention of showing it to her but after I hit the "submit reply" button I thought about how I was getting sick of almost-but-not-really saying all of the things that make me feel ashamed. So after I curled myself up in the institutional blue chair in her office, I handed her my phone opened up to PC and scrolled down to what I wrote.

She was quite good about it. I spent a lot of the session looking at the floor anyway. I appreciated that she said it was brave of me to show it to her, though on the scale of bravery I know it doesn't count for much. She asked why I'd addressed it to "t" and signed it "c;" I said something like, "well 't' is shorthand on the forum, and c is a username--we're all on this forum talking about the deep dark secrets of our therapy, it's not like I'm going to sign it with my social security number." She also said, "this says part 29; are there 28 other missives that have gone unsent?" I laughed and explained that it was a thread that everybody posts on, not just me. I've probably written her directly 5 or 6 times? I dunno.

I also remember saying, "I almost think it'd be easier if what I wanted from you was romantic or erotic." And she immediately agreed, saying something like, "yes, because those aren't the areas in which you feel conflicted. And even if you did have those feelings... it'd still be a bit embarrassing to talk about, probably, but you'd be able to take a step back and explain them as 'something that happens sometimes in therapy.' What you've got going on now is so difficult to find words for, in part because so many of these longings started when you were a kid, before you had the language to describe it."

There was more but it's not coming to me right now.

Oh, she was asking why I felt so ashamed--whether I believed that she was disgusted. I said I figured she wasn't disgusted because therapy is weird and she must be used to this sort of thing by now. And she replied with something like, "so you're thinking about how I might react to things-in-general, rather than how I feel in this moment with you?" I mumbled assent. She explained about how I desperately want caring and ask for it but am not actually open to it. How counter-dependent I am (I hadn't heard that word before; she had to explain it to me). It was interesting. Though now I'm wondering, "okay but how can I change that?" Not sure why it didn't occur to me at the time.

Anyway. That's what I remember right this instant.

I think it was pretty brave...admitting your vulnerability to another human being? Yes. Very brave. I'm glad she recognized it.

First session ended up very disjointed. I said many important things, but I feel very dissociated. R was warm and friendly and offered a hug as soon as she’d arrived. I promptly forgot to ask her for the words ‘You’re safe, Lost.’ She apologised for the gap and explained a little.
Stupidly I didn’t take the opportunity to talk about a crisis plan with her
‘I’m sorry for the e-mail. That was the only way I could think of to express it. I sat for a while and thought ‘Tell it how it is’’
‘We’ve built a bit of a relationship so I can appreciate that it must have been difficult.’
‘With everything that’s happened with mum’s back and the anniversary… It has been a difficult time. The way my brain works at the moment, there is no difference between the phrase ‘I think I’m going to cough’ and what I now call the Tennessee bathroom scene.’
‘That sounds terrifying.’
I confirmed that it was, and told her about my experiences with Headspace. She said it didn’t sound like the sleep exercise was helping. I told her that I had been journaling and trying various things.
‘I’ve been trying, and it has been trying…’
‘You’ve been trying and it has been trying.’
I mentioned the difference between being triggered and being scared from my perspective. Scared is a momentary experience and I’m back, whereas being triggered ‘Scrambles the circuit… Messes with my functioning a bit more.’
I mentioned a conversation between friends about their neighbour’s daughter.
‘It was just one word, the adjective form…And I was standing there with my eyes closed holding on to the kitchen worktop reminding myself to breathe.’
‘With one word.’
I told you about my experience of the last few weeks of being like one of those games where you can’t touch the wire or it will buzz. She got the analogy because her kids played with one over Christmas.
‘And even when I’m not playing the game so to speak… The buzzing still goes on.’
I showed her the collage and she remarked on ‘Inexplicable, even to those who know.’
‘If this period was supposed to be the Boss Battle, I feel like I’ve lost.’
‘I’m not here to save you or rescue you, but I want to offer you what you said earlier –‘I’m doing what I need to do to get through.’’
She also offered that I consider this last month as something separate from the rest of the journey. It has been exceptionally difficult, but it doesn’t mean that I have lost.

‘We go forward from here. It’s not over.’

Shared a lot of past abuse I’d never talked before. Had flashbacks in session and couldn’t even hear my T talking. It wasn’t fun.

I cried so much during the session today that it felt like I was in daze right after. I'm still not 100% sure what went on. We are doing trauma work at the moment and I remember mentally leaving the session several times and having intense flashbacks, but my T has been really good at pinpointing exactly when it happens and he always makes sure to bring me back into the present and back in the room before moving forward.

After the hour was up, T told me to take all the time I need and to make sure that I feel safe leaving. I felt bad taking up the time, so I did stay, but only for 5 more minutes. He again stressed the importance of having support at this time and told me that I can email him if I am struggling during the week and he will reply.

Normally, I would ignore this, but I think I will reach out to him if I end up struggling this week. Thank you to everyone here who gave advice about out of session contact!