[granite1]

and im broken beyond repair. her response was if this comes up during the week and i know it will try not to let it get you down .

[atisketatasket]

Oh, granite. That's a blow. When is she retiring?

I'm so so sorry. I would be a complete mess, so I can imagine how awful this is for you. I hope she gives you enough time b4 she actually goes, so you can try to adjust. I'm in tears for you right now.

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear this. Did she give you a time frame?

[granite1]

yes but it doesnt matter i told her i was done . i didnt understand her anyway . one minute she said she is retiring and the next she was not abandoning me .i dont give a damn any more ijust wish i was dead

Oh Granite, I am so sorry to hear that you had been working with her for a very long time, hadn't you?
Did you know this was coming up? Either way it's a huge loss

[growlycat]

Granite this is a shock to read and I can only imagine what it is like for you. Is she retiring or moving? Is it a possibility or is it definitely happening?

I just want to let you know that starting with a new t can feel impossible. With my long term t I thought that if he ended with me I was so done with therapy. I'm glad I saw other therapists because I learned that you can attach and trust other people too. Everyone has a little something different to offer. Don't lose hope but it's ok to grieve.

oh granite I am so sorry to hear this. it must feel terrible. i hope she has given you enough notice that you can process through this with her.

[precaryous]

This is very tough! I'm sorry, granite!

[skycastle]

Granite - I have not posted on here but stopped by the forums and was honestly surprised to see this. Over the years, your posts have grown more specific and open, and I have appreciated learning from your experiences and all you have to say. It sounds like there is much left to sort through with and about your therapist and I'm sending love and support your way <3

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so sorry, Granite. Please hang in there. Will you at least have a few more months with your T?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry Granite. My tdoc, that I've very attached to, is shutting her practice to work for the VA. I kinda feel lost myself. I hope you feel better soon.

[growlycat]

Thinking of you granite.

[rainbow8]

I hope you're okay. I'm sorry your T is leaving and I understand how awful you're feeling right now. If you ever decide to see another T, you won't be starting over. You've made much progress in therapy and that will be with you forever.

[granite1]

i think about all the things she was helping me with and all the things i was trying to work on and i hate her .it doesnt even seem like she will help me find another T

[granite1]

the idea she cant help me and that this is who i am going to be forever is horrible

[unaluna]

I never wanted to leave my first long term t, even tho i knew deep down it wasnt a very good match. I think my inner child was running the show - having found a mom that was a million times better than the original, she was not letting her go, no way! But there are more and better moms out there. You even met a bunch on here. You know we'll stand with you until you find a new t. We will help.

[Pennster]

Aww, Granite- I'm so sorry this is happening to you! But una makes a good point - I once had a therapist I really loved, but I moved and had to leave him. I tried several other therapists, and wound up with my current one, who is way more helpful than I ever realized even that a therapist could be. And rainbow makes a good point- you will bring all your progress with you. I know it's hard and horrible now, but do you think you could find a bit of room for a sliver of hope that maybe another helpful person might be around the corner somewhere? But I have an idea what kind of loss it is. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

[granite1]

last week i went into therapy with a list of all the things i had hoped to get out of therapy.i had hoped i would be able to give it to her and we could maybe start to work on them .then she threw this all at me. i never gave her the list it just doesnt seem to matter now. i was so hoping i could be a different person ,someone not so horrible . i guess that doesnt matter now anyway . i just want to disappear. she said she was not going to leave until i learned to grieve the fact that i never had a mother . but before that she said she wasnt planning to leave until after the first of the year . so i really know when it is happening . she explained how therapy has a beginning ,middle and an end. it is never meant to be forever . i know this but she acted like i didnt . she started giving me the line about how therapy is a different special relationship etc... i know all this i told her it wasnt like that and it just doesnt matter ,it is just who i am and what happens to me . she said what im just one more person leaving you . i just said arnt you? she started with the whole song and dance about how she isnt abandoning me and this is different etc.... great she said she will help me and wont leave me untill i grieve the mother . but i cant do that i have no idea how and never in the time she has given me .and i also had my list of things . things i never agreed to or tried to work on before . she said there is a beginning ,middle and end . im not at the end and how can she decide that for me . im devastated and keep thinking of hurting myself badly . then i think she will give me the song and dance about how doing this will not make her be able to stay . and i know this .it pisses me off that she would make it about her and then say i am . in reality all this devastation and hurt has nothing to do about her selfishly it is all about me and how i cant face the fact that this is how i am going to be for the rest of my life . who would want that .it is nothing to do about her but she cant get out of her own way to even see that

[unaluna]

I hate to admit it, but sometimes its easier to get things done when you have a crisis or a deadline or somebody yells at me.

[granite1]

my life and myself are at this point so FUBAR she will never be able to help me . i am me and i pissed away a good thing and good person

You didn't do this, granite, it's not your fault. Healing takes time and everyone has their own internal timing and it can't be forced. I'm so sorry your t is retiring, I hope that at some point you will be able to work with another t, please don't give up on yourself, you are so worthwhile and you are not so beyond hope that no one can help you. I truly believe that from everything you have posted on here in the past. you have done SUCH amazing work my friend, you are an amazing and strong woman and I am sending you lots of hugs and healing light.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

my life and myself are at this point so FUBAR she will never be able to help me . i am me and i pissed away a good thing and good person

I know you feel this way, but this might be a blessing in disguise. You have come a LONG way with this T, and you should be proud of that. It doesn't seem like she is retiring (is that what is happening?) until at the very least, the first of the year, which still gives you 5 more months to figure stuff out with your T. Maybe she can help you w referrals, and you can try out new T's while still seeing this one.

Don't give up, you can continue to get better.

[granite1]

so i took Xanax and headed to my session i left completely confused . she was actually quite cute in a funny kind of way. she had moved into a new office and you can see into the office as you walk u the stairs into the waiting room. i had texted her and told her i was running a bit late and when i walked up the stairs i could see in the office and she was laying on the couch watching the stairs. she smiled and said there you are then got up. the problem is i swear last week when she told me she was leaving she also said the good news is she will no longer be changing offices that the person she was going to share it with took a different office and it worked out that she could stay in this office. and when i asked her about it she said her and some other T will be using this office . i just let it go it was not worth the argument . she said she was not sure i was going to come back . i told her ive been sleeping a lot and taking a lot of xanax and here i am .her response was wow you know you can talk to me about how you are feeling and whats going on. this was such a turning point for me . i have wasted time before and i didnt want to this time . i explained this to her and she said that i had not wasted her time at all she simply felt that i would talk when i was ready. i said and now your leaving.i told her about the list i had been working on but how it didnt matter now. she asked why and i told her it was to much to deal with in 6 months .i told her that i was terrified that im going to be who i am forever .her response was would that be so bad would that be so bad ? why? i said again because im just a horrible person . her usual response of im not a horrible person brought up even more hopelessness . she said i should bring the list in so we could get working on it. i just shook my head no. she asked you dont want to, why? i said again its too much for 6 months. she suggested not looking at it as if there is a time line . then things seemed to change again . she said she wanted me to know that therapy was not forever that eventually she will want to do something else . then she said she may not find anything else to do and stay a therapist . now im completely confused . she said she isnt going to gust up and leave and kick me out in the middle of our work . she told me that my upbringing is one of the most horrific one she has heard and that we have invested a lot into working on that. i took this chance to let her know that she has helped me a lot and that i had changed my list from things i needed to work on to wanting to let her know the things she has helped me with. i started to share some of that with her . she smiled then asked ,so whats first on the list of things we need to work on . i guess the mother. but i dont think she realizes how much is on my list . she thinks she does but i doubt it. and is she leaving or not im so confused

[toomanycats]

ughhh granite I'm so sorry that she isn't giving you a clear answer about the future here. I KNOW how horrible that limbo is. I also wholly understand feeling like there's no point in continuing to work when there's an end looming and that's the only thing you can see or think about.

I would just encourage you no matter what to not just run away. I ran away, got no closure, did not say goodbye to my therapy, and I regret it so much.