The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

So why not give him the glass clink? Write him a script: "I could use a little support. I was really worried about what I'm sure to you seems like a routine scan, can we talk about it?" Etc.

But, LT, he is who he is ultimately. You want him to change. He might be able to do a little of what you want, but he is not going to become this romantic supportive guy. That's not just with you, it's probably with anyone he'd married.

You have to decide whether you can live with that or not. He has to decide the same about you - e.g., forgiving you after your one-nighter.

Also, I often get the feeling your anxiety triggers him. Anxiety in a spouse, if prolonged, can be pretty taxing even on the non-anxious spouse, who has to give reassurance a lot (again and again, and you start wondering "why can't x do this for themself?") and adjust their life in other ways (e.g., future ex was so terrified about doctors I had to go to every appointment with him, which usually caused pretty big stress in my work life as well as ultimately resentment). You recognize you have serious anxiety, are you on medication for it? CBT? You often say you need to learn to reassure yourself.

Liking the recover vs. F-it infographic, very evocative

The little barbell doodle is pretty good too

None of my Ts take notes in session (and L has admitted to rarely notating anything after, too) but I wonder...

Wow, that's a lot of different-colored pens! I wonder if the different colors signify something for him, or if it's just random.

Probably just random. He has a lot of markers in that room for coloring

Lol I didn't notice the barbell

Wonder what that's about

I'm glad you saw your t again JDNA.

Those notes are super cool. I'll admit, though, that my first thought was what kind of pens did he use. Seems like Sharpie due to the bleeding, but maybe Flair Pens.

I have an unhealthy obsession with office supplies.

Also, I'm intrigued by therapists who take notes in session. I don't think any of mine ever have regularly. Pretty sure RoboT did a genogram during our first couple of sessions, but didn't do any other note taking after that. I'd love to see the genogram. I really want to request my file.

he doesnt usually ever take notes. i think he was just doodling, writing down what i said. but yeah he doesnt usually do that. he mentioned a long time ago that i seem to have an easier time talking to him if hes doing something , like on his laptop, or if we're coloring together, or we're playing cards. so maybe thats why he did it

I do things like that sometimes, but probably need to do more of it. And I've tried to give him scripts of how to respond if, say, I'm having a panic attack. But he might do it half-heartedly one time, then it's like he forgets we ever talked about it and goes back to his unhelpful response of seeming irritated or being like, "I know you're panicking!"

Yeah, I guess some of it just seems fairly simple to me. I don't mean like him completely understanding me or able to read my mind and know what I want. But to just say "It's OK" when I apologize or am stressed about something? That takes less energy than the stuff he usually ends up saying because it's shorter. Or to just recognize that if I'm really busy, I might need support in some way--like him being in charge of D for a couple hours, understanding if I can't get the dishes done, etc.

This is part of my issue and what keeps coming up for me. I'm wondering if I'm looking for outside fixes, like suggesting to him we get a dog (which we might do after vacation at the end of the summer), since animals tend to calm me. Or thinking I might want to pursue a PhD, which I know is a totally different direction, but like something to make myself feel stronger. And also to possibly go in a different direction in the field i got my master's in.

Yeah, plus his mom has bad anxiety, so it affected him growing up (and now), and I guess he saw however his dad dealt with it (they ended up divorced, and he's now with someone who is basically the polar opposite of his mom). I've tried to bring that up in marriage counseling before, because I wonder if he thinks of me like his mom, but he claims it's not that. And seems to act like nothing from his childhood/past affects him in any way. (Which is kinda the opposite of me.)

I've tried a whole bunch of medications for that and depression (there's also OCD in there). I've found stuff that's helped with depression and some have helped a bit with anxiety...but many meds (some SSRIs, SNRIs, and Wellbutrin) made my anxiety much worse. Which my current psychiatrist (only been seeing her 6 months or so) said is a marker for bipolar II. We've been trying things to treat that, but several things we've tried (Trileptal, Gabapentin) have been so sedating, even at a low dose, that I have to lay down partway through the day. I really don't want to go the benzo route, and I've heard p-docs tend to be reluctant to prescribe them regularly anyway. So I end up relying some on Benadryl at times (which is also a bit sedating...) and/or on alcohol (which of course isn't healthy). So I don't know... Currently on Zoloft and a really low dose of Abilify (like half of the smallest tablet) because any more than that and I become super-irritable.

Tried CBT when I first started with my current T >5 years ago, but it doesn't really seem to work for me. She's well-trained in it, so it's not that. I think it's like my brain just overrides it. I've found mindfulness and yoga help some, and I need to get back into doing them (I mean, I just started doing more yoga 3 months ago, so I've only been away from it for a few weeks).

So...yeah, not sure of the solutions there...maybe I should ask my p-doc to try something else? T has suggested maybe one of the older tricyclic antidepressants or an MAOI, but those scare me a bit. So I don't know.

My t takes notes but I don't usually ask what they say. She read to me from them yesterday, what she'd written last week. I still feel terrible knowing how badly my seeming attack on her last week affected her. I think the woo-woo stuff we did yesterday was needed on her end as much as it was on mine. Interesting. Because it's a confirmation of my thoughts awhile back that we had gotten too close - too entangled or something. And the journey work we did together yest will help free each of us from that "too"-ness. Or something like that.

I think another issue from me is I try to conceal a lot of the anxiety (or depression, if that's what's affecting me at the time) from H, which can be rather exhausting.

oh my god you guys im crying

T read my email from last night. i sent 2, the one where i spoke about how then i sent one after that saying omg what is wrong with me why did i tell you that. and apologzing for being inappropriate

T emailed me back!!!!!!!!!!!!! he wrote:

"Nothing wrong with telling me the things you did... thats the kind of thing you are supposed to be able to talk to your therapist about. No problem. You are doing well and making progress, despite the challenges and setbacks. I'm proud of you, "T" "

i was NOT expecting that at all and i am so glad he didnt think i was being inappropriate

Those are fun notes, jd. Did he give them to you? Mine takes notes only for certain things, to help her keep track (I think). I would probably be upset or disappointed if I read them. Sometimes, I want to ask her if I were to know what she really thinks, would it be hurtful?

LT, what if, when H says, "FINE! I'LL DO IT!" You say, "THANK YOU! That's a huge help!" Instead of "I'm sorry." ??

Hey Art, I kind of think your therapist is upset with how she acted/reacted, not with you. And if she doesn't realize that, then she doesn't have the same kind of integrity you do to own it.

I did Jungian analysis very briefly two times (couldn't handle the intensity), but I have to say the one I saw the longest would have thought that kind of session was a goldmine and would have celebrated all that was expressed, not gotten mad back. I think she is projecting when she calls you childish. But that's her deal. Anyway, I say that knowing you care a lot about her and have benefited from therapy with her. I just happen to think a lot of you and hope you can see all you have going for yourself--so much more than your therapist in being able to self-reflect and take responsibility and move forward.

LT, I just wanted to say I have the same kinds of interactions w my h and I can talk til I'm blue trying to explain to t but she doesn't "get" it. I sense how I feel in your words.... H and I still haven't figured it out.... I always apologize when I ask for help and he gets upset and I cry and round and round . I get it I so do.

Meanwhile, I am mired in my own crap. Wishing my therapist weren't on vacation, but at least I have an awesome book with pictures, stories and recipes that she lent me. In my mind, though, I keep thinking...she will get back and decide I am too much of a pain in the ***.

Like, dudes, dude

Ok, I went off the deep end and bought a quartz crystal like the one M lent me. Because I have to give his back, and I know he said he put a special healing message into it for me, and maybe the new one can learn it from his by the time I have to give it back, so I can keep a version of it.

It makes sense in my head. I think.

On the upside, my hand (injured in therapy--partially torn ligaments) is finally starting to improve with OT and I may be able to avoid surgery. It's going on 8 months, so it's been a long haul.

Can he put a message in the new one you got? I would totally ask. I take something to therapy that my therapist holds and then gives back.

Hahahahahaha I can't believe I didn't think of that!

Ok, now that I'm thinking of it though, it's a good idea and I want to do it but I would be so, so embarrassed and made vulnerable to ask. It took me until Monday to even admit to him that I was feeling "not so great" (my words, a huge understatement) about him leaving. This attachment thing is new in my life. As of six months ago, maybe?

Yeah. I should do it.

Stress has caught up to me.
I'm getting a big fat canker sore in my mouth.
I always get stupid canker sores when my stress is horrible.

That sucks... Is there anything you could do to reduce stress? Anything you could do just for yourself (Going for a walk, taking a bath, ...)?

Thanks, Art. It helps to know you understand.

I feel like my T gets it and will makes suggestions, but they often don't seem to work. Like she'll say things like, "Just totally be yourself around him," but that doesn't help.

And MC gets some of it from a fellow-anxiety-sufferer perspective, but he tends to be more likely to recommend changes to how I do/think about things than for how H does (which led to me getting upset with him a couple months ago, because it feels like he--as in MC--thinks I'm the one with all the issues and who has to make all the changes/adaptations in the relationship). Maybe it would help to talk in there about how H and I could find ways to meet in the middle.

Yeah, maybe I should try that. I just need to stop the reflexive "I'm sorry" reaction.