[Anastasia~]

I have attachment issues and have seen a therapist for quite some time. So last week, on session day, I thought I would try to take a day off to see how I did and so I could do something else. So, I did this no problem. I actually felt good. The rest of the week, I felt a little difficulty a few times but it was manageable.

So, I saw him this Wed. and I actually had to text him asking if things were ok between us because I had Post Therapy Session Anxiety (PTSA). It felt so much like progress and now it just all feels like too much. It's like I'm not allowed to feel better because it triggers me to be terrified of losing T.

I feel SO stupid about how I feel. I feel so ashamed and absurd.

[Amyjay]

I hope you can be compassionate with yourself. This is all part and parcel of "having attachment issues". You are learning and growing even from this - from trying this out and being aware of your reaction and sitting with your feelings. You learned you have made progress but even so you are still sometimes triggered about the possibility of losing your T. It isn't absurd. This is how healing from attachment goes right? I don't think your backward steps negate the forward ones. Maybe its just all part of the dance.

[unaluna]

Its the rapprochement phase, that back and forth thing toddlers do, exploring the world then running back to check in with mom, make sure everything is still okay. A big part of attachment is managing independence.

Attachment is so hard and it can be so shaming but most of the time we shame ourselves. Like Amyjay says can you be compassionate to yourself right now?
I have had so many ruptures with my t over attachment, I really don't think she gets the whole attachment thing. I think talking about the fear of getting better because you may lose him would lead to some very fruitful discussions. Do you think you could talk to your t about it?
I have anxious/ ambivalent attachment and some days I want to swallow t and other days if she tries to get close I will push her right back or just walk out of the room.
I think looking for some reassurance from your t is a healthy sign of your strong relationship together. I think it shows you have a very secure attachment with your t because in some way you knew he would respond with kindness and reassurance.

[Anastasia~]

Thank you all for your responses.

Amyjay-
My T is always trying to get me to be compassionate with myself. I am trying to stop hating myself but as I get better, I'm also realizing how ineffective in my various roles with different relationships that I've been. I'm talking to T about this and it is bringing up a ton of shame and I can't help but think that my T hates me as much as I hate myself for this. But I realize I need to be compassionate with myself in order to overcome this.

Unaluna-
Good point on the rapprochment phase and managing independence. I wonder if it's as painful for toddlers as it is for adults?

Monalisa-
You're right, this is shaming. I am focusing today on being compassionate with myself. At times, this is difficult because I feel like I don't deserve it.
I have and continue to talk to my T about how me getting better triggers me. He is very kind and understanding. I'm sorry you've had so many ruptures with your T about attachment, it is so painful. I had a difficult T before this. My current T is more than I ever could have hoped for. I wish everyone had this.

[BayBrony]

This is normal. I'm doing it right now. My T has needed some extra time away for health issues. I go back and forth between "I'm doing well, I know she cares about me even when we are apart" and feeling good about myself and our relationship and being terrified of losing her. Eventually the relationship appears stable and the fear starts to get better.

[BayBrony]

It does appear to be painful for all the toddlers I have known. The majority of tantrums seem to occur because they either want attention or they want to be permitted to do things on their own....sometimes within 5 minute spans..

[Anastasia~]

Baybrony-
I'm so glad you are getting better, too, although I know getting better is also difficult. And what you say about toddlers is true.

[Anastasia~]

Getting better has brought forth more shame, it is as if it never ends. Now I get to reflect on my insanity/depression/lack of motivation/withdrawal from life and feel the intense shame that comes from not being who I wanted to be, not being there for my family as I wish I was. I feel like I've dropped the ball in all sorts of ways. I've kind of been talking to T about this and it has brought up more intense shame and pain. I truly feel like the biggest loser on earth. I have listened to my T and you all of your kind advice, and am trying to be compassionate with myself somehow. I've yet to convince myself that I deserve it. I suppose my goal is to sit here and tolerate my thoughts and emotions/shame and to at least not react with self hatred. Thanks for all of your help!

[InnerPeace111]

The way you are feeling about all of this is just so very human. It's what we go through. Hugs.

[here today]

You can't be the biggest loser on earth because I am! Lol. but somewhat seriously, too.

[Out There]

Those attachment issues are so difficult. I talked to my T's about the cat I got from a rescue centre a year ago. He'd been neglected by his previous owners and we've gone through his " stuff " as it's come up. First night he was in the shelter there was a terrible thunderstorm , the first time he was with me when it rained he got upset and came to me for reassurance ( which he got ) , and the same with stepping over him when he's sprawled out in the hallway , and moving things around. And now he's absolutely fine with all those things - I guess he's got a secure attachment , but there's no shame for him about any of it. I've been able to give him what I didn't have which my T's have commented on , I didn't displace my abuse onto him. But I'm still working on me !

[UglyDucky]

Ana~~There's no need to beat yourself up or feel anxiety that your T is important to you. Most of us go through just what you went through, including texting our T, "Are we okay?" (for those who are allowed to text). Glad you enjoyed the day off, but sorry you had the lashback later.

[Anastasia~]

Inner Peace- thank you for your response. I like your name. Peace would be nice

Here Today - We'll have to fight over the title the biggest loser, lol!

[Anastasia~]

Out There --
I love that you have taken good care of your cat that was previously neglected. It's interesting that you notice that the cat didn't feel shame about it. We humans think too much. I appreciate your advice and hope that you working on you is going well, and for everyone else.

[Anastasia~]

Ducky-

There's no need to beat yourself up or feel anxiety that your T is important to you.

Thank you for this! I love that T lets me text, I want so badly to do my part and try to deal with things on my own because I am so thankful for him and his kindness. I asked him, Am I ok? Are you okay? Are we okay? and he said YOU are okay and I am okay. He is so kind to me.

I'm struggling with the attachment to t stuff right now too. It is so difficult.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

I'm struggling with the attachment to t stuff right now too. It is so difficult.

I hear you, Artie. I hope it gets better for all of us. I don't know how I got to this point, but I want to be past it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

I have attachment issues and have seen a therapist for quite some time. So last week, on session day, I thought I would try to take a day off to see how I did and so I could do something else. So, I did this no problem. I actually felt good. The rest of the week, I felt a little difficulty a few times but it was manageable.

So, I saw him this Wed. and I actually had to text him asking if things were ok between us because I had Post Therapy Session Anxiety (PTSA). It felt so much like progress and now it just all feels like too much. It's like I'm not allowed to feel better because it triggers me to be terrified of losing T.

I feel SO stupid about how I feel. I feel so ashamed and absurd.

I totally understand and identify with your situation. I've been struggling with attachment issues for years, and it's very difficult. Don't feel ashamed or stupid for having conflicted feelings! That's normal, like others have said.

I have seen my T weekly for 7 years except for a brief time of every other week sessions. This month I had to skip a session and now she's been on vacation so I missed another session. I've been all right, doing okay without her, but part of me wants to email and ask if she's back home. I'm not seeing her until Friday. I miss her terribly but at the same time I don't need her. When I have my next session, I'll probably react like you. I'm not ready to separate from her but we both know I'm getting closer to doing so. T says I'm at the young adult/adult stage. Attachment is tough stuff! Don't be so hard on yourself. You're moving in the right direction. Hugs.

[Anastasia~]

Rainbow--
thank you for your response. I understand what you are saying about having mixed feelings. Attachment is tough, thanks for your kind words.