wow.

i was terrified that he would be awkward / uncomfortable / embarrassed about the emails i sent him (can anybody say 'projection'?)

but... he was terrific. said that one thing that he really likes about people who seek help is that they are really really motivated to doing the work (compared with people who are ambivalent about psychotherapy). he thanked me for telling him what was going on for me in my emails.

we had a really great session. i think he gets (which maybe he didn't get before) that i am willing (and fairly ableish) to make connections between my relationships with my parents and stuff going on in my relationships now. he said that i was very quick to say 'its okay' about his not getting in to our last appointment and he asked me about whether i used to reassure my parents a lot... and so i told him a bit about that...

and we talked about the pain / screaming. and he helped me see that it is about loss. and i told him about when the screaming started (when the pain turned into screaming). when my homegroup leader got a little too friendly. and about how there was a similar situation shortly after at camp. and about how i lost my two major sources of social support about then. and i cried. and had to blow my nose (which i don't normally do - usually water leaks from my face but i won't let me feel it enough to need to blow my nose).

and... he seems to get now that cognitively is one thing... and emotionally is another. that i understand a whole heap (that i'm not intrinsically flawed or bad, for example, and that i'd be in a very different place now if i'd have had a different childhood) but that how i feel can be quite different.

wow. i felt the pain too. properly felt it but also stayed present enough to listen to him and think / respond. and i said about how i thought the public service made me worse... because if you say 'i feel scared because i'm thinking all these thoughts' they don't give a %#@&#! but if you say 'i feel scared because the voices are saying' then they do. because limited resources and prioritising those resources meant i had to present badly in order to qualify for anything at all.

and... he asked me if i thought i was getting better. and i said... yeah. can ask questions more now. can socialise more now. so anxiety is getting better. less days having to stay home cause i'm too anxious to do anything. i said it was slow... but, yeah, i'm getting better.

and he seemed pleased.

:-)

((((((((my t))))))))

[Mouse_]

AK, Great going, what a session!

[lauren_helene]

That is absolutely wonderful Alex!!!! You are doing hard work and good for you

hey. yeah... i guess i took some risks. sent him some stuff (that i wouldn't normally send him) and i thought it might be possible that he would not be happy about what i said... but he dealt with it fine. so... i took some risks today... and he dealt with it fine too. so scary... maybe... what i feel is more relief than anything else. relief lol. and... i guess we have got to know each other well enough for him to know some of my sensitivities and stuff... see him again on friday :-)

[Caramee]

I'm glad your session went well and that you started to work through all that. I'm curious, did he tell you what happened with him or did he keep the focus entirely on your reactions to it? I ask because I know you were concerned about having your legitimate emotions in case something was wrong with his child.

I always have to feel like I know what is REALLY going on and pretend to have an adult, rational interaction, and then and only then can I say my emotional things. If I'm in the dark, I'm too scared to say. I'm afraid the one-sided nature of therapy often works against me.

So glad you're back on track!

hey. i send him that post (where i said i kept thinking 'maybe baby died') as well as the other one. he didn't say anything at all about what happened. just stayed with my response. i think he might be realising why it is that some theorists say you shouldn't really talk about your life. that me knowing that he has kids affects me etc. and that there is no need for it. i don't need to know. whatever it was he was in good form on Tuesday and he didn't talk about terminating me. so.. guess that is all that matters to me.

[sunrise]

alex, I am happy you had such a good session. So satisfying. I was worried when you said earlier you only wanted to have phone sessions. But you had such a warm experience in person. I hope you will be encouraged and stick with the face to face.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
he asked me if i thought i was getting better. and i said... yeah. can ask questions more now. can socialise more now. so anxiety is getting better. less days having to stay home cause i'm too anxious to do anything. i said it was slow... but, yeah, i'm getting better.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That is great, alex!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
whatever it was he was in good form on Tuesday

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think you were in good form too, alex. It takes two to tango.

thank you. i'm happy i had a good session too :-)
it feels like... something has shifted. i guess because i expressed some stuff to him (by email) that i would never have the courage to talk about IRL... but some stuff that really revealed how i was feeling. part of me... was really worried that he would freak out / terminate me because of that. but... he didn't seem to be trying to back off / get rid of me, instead he seemed really happy that i'd shared it.

i think that the greatest moments of connection come when you share something that you are really embarrassed / ashamed about... and when you kind of dread that t will respond badly... but when t doesn't respond badly at all. at least... that is the case for me.

i guess it also showed him something of how much i really do think about therapy outside therapy. and... the kinds of thinking about it that i do (the connections that i see and how there is a disconnection between thoughts and feelings and stuff). so... i feel like he knows me that little bit better.

and... we did almost argue a while ago about how to conceive of the alters / voices etc. and.... he thought i was avoiding / denying, i guess, though he decided not to push me on that and decided to give me some time.

and now i really think he gets the grain of truth in my thoughts on that. that... my symptoms magnified when they needed to be magnified such that i was eligable for treatment. that there genuinely is an indeterminacy in how i describe things (as 'part of me' or as 'not me') and that there is a genuine indeterminacy in much of my experiences too, and that the 'not me' interpretation seems truer of my experiences when i'm under significant stress... he seems to really be hearing what i'm saying about that now. which is FANTASTIC. because... i did worry how he would respond once he really took this on board... because... he agreed to work with me thinking i would be a clear case of DID (so switching in sessions) and because... there are issues around how much i 'magnify' or 'lie'(???) or 'misread' what is going on for me in order to obtain the treatment i think i need...

but... he seems happy enough that i'm fairly psychologically minded such that we can explore relationships between the past and the present.

sometimes... i'm fairly dismissive of his interpretations too. mostly because i don't think he knows me well enough (so his interpretations are off) or because i don't have the ego strength (think that it is important for me to make sure that he appreciates that rationally of course i know better - so i do that instead of staying with the feeling level). i guess... i was better positioned to take them on board since he was so validating with my self-disclosures of how i felt...

so...

the feeling like i need to placate (say the 'magic words') isn't just about my dealings with the mental health system (i thought it was)...

i used to do that with my parents too. of course... thats why the mental health system was retraumatising to me... i didn't get that before. and... although he did think i was woffling on about nothing for a time (he kept trying to divert me) at the end he realised that there was a method to my woffling and my woffle was setting up the story about those past abuses...

i think... he might be starting to trust me some more. he doesn't have to push me because i jolly well push myself and i will do that when i'm ready. he doesn't have to aim to frustrate my needs because my needs are so great (at times) that they are bound to be frustrated. he really... doesn't need to do a hell of a lot except trust me and help me figure out what is going on when he can see something helpful to say... and help me come to a better understanding. i think... he might be getting this now :-)

so happy :-)

see how things go tomorrow...

i figure i might be bound for disapointment 'cause i can't see this being sustained... maybe my pathology or maybe a degree of realism. who the %#@&#! knows.

:-)