Session did not end well today.

Forgive me if this post does not flow in an entirely linear way. It may not. But I really need to just write and get this all out. And also-- this is probably going to be long.

Today was my 2nd session with T this week. I achieved my "goal of information" and told him how seeing him twice per week would be very hard for me upon switching back to once per week at the start of my internship. He said, "Well, how do you know?" I said, "I know. Trust me. I'm brilliant. I just know." (Obviously I wasn't ready to elaborate on the reasons why). So then we did quite a bit of talking in regards to my black and white thinking patterns, how seeing the children playing outside today depressed me, and how I related to my husband in what I see as a pathetic, needy, attached fashion (anyone catching on to a pattern here?) So then we get to the point of the session in which there's like 5 minutes left. He asks me again what I want to do about scheduling, since I had brought up the whole thing of 2x per week being more hurtful (in the near future) than helpful. He said that if it really did have a negative effect when we went back to once per week, that would be something we could really explore. So then I start getting pissed because I'm thinking-- yeah, we get to explore something at my %#@&#! expense. So I analogized it for him-- I said it was like doing a chemistry experiment with two chemicals that you knew would cause a distaster-- but you do it anyway just to see what would happen. I said to him, "It's just like-- Hey! Here's some boric acid! Let's mix it with hairspray and then light it on fire, and afterwards, we can talk about what happened!" T asked me how I knew there would be an explosion. Again, I said, "Trust me. I know." Then he said, "Well, if you are sure, then you must be right." And then I got even madder. Then he said, "It sounds like there are a lot of issues surrounding you coming here twice per week, and then receding back to once per week. We might need to explore those before you make a decision." Well. I could have killed him right then and there. At 5 PM this afternoon, I could have killed him. Four days earlier at 5 PM, I wanted to jump in his lap. So, I'm sitting there, just glaring down at the floor, intermittenly focusing on the cap to my water bottle. There was complete silence in the room, and then T says, "You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it."

I hated him right then and there for always knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

Another time, and I would have loved that he knows what I'm thinking... my patterns, my extremes.

Then he suggests making the next appointment for next Tuesday, exactly one week away. He said it might be worth it to explore how it would feel to not come twice per week since I feel like it's going to have too negative of an effect on me down the road. I said, fine. Next Tuesday, fine. He told me to write everything down in the next week. Write down every single thing of how it feels to not be there twice in the week. And bring it in on Tuesday.

So then I said I would. But at this point, I was so %#@&#! mad I couldn't even see straight. I stood up, he said, "see you next week" and I just said "bye" and walked straight out. Normally when we end the session is the one time I will actually make eye contact with him and say thank you. Not this time. I almost slammed his door into the wall when I opened it to leave, I was so filled with emotion. I sort of stormed out of the room and stomped down the stairs. I had never acted like that in there before. I felt like I was five years old, but I didn't care. Besides, we just spent a great amount of the session talking about how I do feel like a child a lot of the time.

By the time I got downstairs and was walking to the bus stop, I seriously felt like attacking someone. When I get really angry, my blood seriously boils. It's the time that is most dangerous for me because I lose that split second in my mind that normally should show up right before a behavior occurs. But it doesn't. The behavior just happens. This is normally when I have thrown things, broken things, injured myself and not even realized until afterwards how much I had, and other related stuff. I couldn't even stand to look at anyone on the street. Everyone looked so annoying and happy, I seriously wanted to smack someone. In my mind, I was cursing out my T.

He asked me something at the end of the session (cannot remember what it was), but I remember my answer being, "No. Because I can only feel one feeling at a time." And he shook his head no. He said, "I think there are 2 feelings going on here right now." Right now it is scary because of the extreme feelings I am having towards him. I almost feel like I hate him. But at the same time I know I feel like this because I am so %#@&#! attached to him. When I get angry with someone, they turn "bad" to me. Now I feel like if something were to happen this week, I cannot call him. It's a lonely feeling. I say how much I want things on my terms. Please. I'm completely at the mercy of the emotions and decisions of those who I have formed attachments to.

This is exactly why I want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

This is such a disconnect from what I felt last Friday. I felt like for once it was sort of okay to need him like I do. Today, I feel like he pushed me away. Did I push myself away? I always do, somehow.

I hate him tonight.

There isn't much insight on my part, in this post. The insight will come later. First I had to get it all out, and let my unconscious speak for a bit.

Wow, pinksoil, rough day today for you. Sounds like your T can handle your anger and sees something more too. You are so good at risking by letting him see your anger. I admire you for that. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. Time and distance can help. And your unconscious will work on this overnight. (((hugs)))

Yup...Sounds like you are percolating right along.

You have to respect a T that allows this journey. I went through an extended phase of being so angry (mega transference) but going back because I know it was a journey I needed. To be able to express it all is so big... I kept going as I realised that I trusted my T and this might be a journey I needed to take. At this juncture some people might have run away instead of stayed to face the music. Hang in there.

I too understand your mixed feelings...What an ocean it is. It is all there....damn it and bless it....

I think much of therapy is an experiment but although it seems like an experiment for both, we are the ones living it minute to minute, day to day, etc.. What a profession.

Best wishes with the journey and take it all in. Try to let him in... he might have a little intelligence himself. ;-)

Might you even consider that this session had positive merit? Negative can also be positive... Powerful. You are definitely percolating.

Pinksoil, I feel confused as I read your plight. I think because when I first met with my current T the initial interview session, though ot be honest I was so %#@&#! up that I didn't understand what was expected from this first meeting, and had no idea of what I needed from a T, all I remember from that day is she after I had spoken some, she told me how she worked, ie, psychoanalyically, and believe me I had no idea what that meant back then and then she said that to begin with we will meet for one session a week and eventually will go onto twice weekly. She then told me what her rates were, asked me what I oculd afford and that was it, deal done and dusted. So for me I always knew at some point twice wkly was part of the process, it took a yr until she said we need to think about uping the process to twice wkly now and I just nodded and agreed, and thats where we are today.

I did mention to her that I've heard that when people are ending they cut back on sessions? She said not neccesarily so. I guess I just felt as if she had taken all the dicison making of my shoulders, she had laid out the plans and I've gone along with them like that.

So I guess I'm confused as to why you hadn't a plan already? excuse my confusion.

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mouse_ said:

So I guess I'm confused as to why you hadn't a plan already? excuse my confusion.

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Ever since I've started therapy with him, it has always been once a week. It was pretty much an unsaid understanding as far as scheduling and fees in regards to the number of sessions per week. The whole 2x per week thing is something that came up all within the last 3 weeks or so.

And it is not well planned beause I can't make a %#@&amp;#! decision for myself. My T works differently-- there was never an initial interview session. On the 1st session, we just made up a fee (sliding scale) and then just got into things. At the time, I was too busy trying to hate him so I wouldn't get attached-- Two sessions per week wasn't even a thought for me.

But like I said, I can't make a %#@&amp;#! decision, and we tend to deal with things as they come up. My therapy with him has never been the type where the groundwork has been laid., or a plan has been set up. The only thing he ever told me was "just talk."

I guess this time he made the decision for me. It is not unlike him to provke me a bit, use confrontation. I love that he does that, I need someone to keep up with me. Ultimately, when I go back next week, if I am able to express this anger towards him, I will be better for it. Right now it's difficult to see through it. I've been journaling. I'm hoping once I get through the first couple "%#@&amp;#! him, that stupid piece of %#@&amp;#! %#@&amp;#! %#@&amp;#! therapist" journals, I'll be able to settle down and analyze the situation. And I would like to bring in those first couple journals, too. He is always trying to get me to express the angry thoughts I think about him (which doesn't often happen because normally, I'm busy idealizing him). He always tells me it's okay, that I can say anything, even if it's horrible things about him. I've never been able to do it before, but maybe we're getting close....

Damn Freudian slips... I was reading over this post and I saw that I wrote "...so I would get attched" and I had to go back and change it to read "wouldn't."

Oh Ok , So would you prefer a plan?

Hello PS.
I am sorry you feel that your session did not go the way you had planned, perhaps the therapist thinks you need the extra time with them at this time because you are making progress, and by changing the schedule at this time would be counter productive for your progress at this time. I hope you got calmed down and I hope things get better between you and your therapist at the next appointment. I think your thrapist has your best potential at heart with his scheduling mannerisms. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

> Right now it is scary because of the extreme feelings I am having towards him. I almost feel like I hate him. But at the same time I know I feel like this because I am so %#@&#! attached to him. When I get angry with someone, they turn "bad" to me. Now I feel like if something were to happen this week, I cannot call him. It's a lonely feeling. I say how much I want things on my terms. Please. I'm completely at the mercy of the emotions and decisions of those who I have formed attachments to.
This is exactly why I want to be alone.
I hate being alone.

> There isn't much insight on my part, in this post.

Oh yes there is.

Longing for intimacy yet terror of it. Sounds to me like you have pretty amazing insight into what is going on.

I am so glad your therapist is able to take your rage.

:-)

And... I'm sure he will be able to take your attachment too.

:-)

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pinksoil said:
Forgive me if this post does not flow in an entirely linear way. It may not. But I really need to just write and get this all out. And also-- this is probably going to be long.

That's okay, I've done this to all of you!

Today was my 2nd session with T this week. I achieved my "goal of information" and told him how seeing him twice per week would be very hard for me upon switching back to once per week at the start of my internship. He said, "Well, how do you know?" I said, "I know. Trust me. I'm brilliant. I just know." (Obviously I wasn't ready to elaborate on the reasons why).

Is one of the reasons because your afraid that 2x per week will make you more attached and then it will feel like it is painful for you to cut back when you intern?

So then we get to the point of the session in which there's like 5 minutes left.

You know, the minute I read this sentence I could feel your anxiety because I also hate the feeling that I am about to be left uncomfortable until next session.

He asks me again what I want to do about scheduling, since I had brought up the whole thing of 2x per week being more hurtful (in the near future) than helpful. He said that if it really did have a negative effect when we went back to once per week, that would be something we could really explore. So then I start getting pissed because I'm thinking-- yeah, we get to explore something at my %#@&#! expense.

How would you know if 2x a week or weekly is right for you without some trial and error? Would you have felt rejected if he immediately said weekly or god forbid every other week like my T said last time to me?

So I analogized it for him-- I said it was like doing a chemistry experiment with two chemicals that you knew would cause a distaster-- but you do it anyway just to see what would happen. I said to him, "It's just like-- Hey! Here's some boric acid! Let's mix it with hairspray and then light it on fire, and afterwards, we can talk about what happened!" T asked me how I knew there would be an explosion.

I love this analogy, can I borrow it today????

Again, I said, "Trust me. I know." Then he said, "Well, if you are sure, then you must be right." And then I got even madder. Then he said, "It sounds like there are a lot of issues surrounding you coming here twice per week, and then receding back to once per week. We might need to explore those before you make a decision."

I kind of agree (don't kill me yet!) This is what I want to do for myself too. Stay at twice per week until I feel ready to reduce. My decision was kind of made for me unless today's session brews something different. I guess it hurts either way doesn't it?

Well. I could have killed him right then and there. At 5 PM this afternoon, I could have killed him. Four days earlier at 5 PM, I wanted to jump in his lap. So, I'm sitting there, just glaring down at the floor, intermittenly focusing on the cap to my water bottle. There was complete silence in the room, and then T says, "You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it."

This is very profound. I wish my T would go here...

I hated him right then and there for always knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

I totally understand this thought.

Then he suggests making the next appointment for next Tuesday, exactly one week away. He said it might be worth it to explore how it would feel to not come twice per week since I feel like it's going to have too negative of an effect on me down the road.

I think this makes sense. What else could you both try and do differently and still get the same result?

So then I said I would. But at this point, I was so %#@&#! mad I couldn't even see straight. I stood up, he said, "see you next week" and I just said "bye" and walked straight out. Normally when we end the session is the one time I will actually make eye contact with him and say thank you. Not this time. I almost slammed his door into the wall when I opened it to leave, I was so filled with emotion. I sort of stormed out of the room and stomped down the stairs. I had never acted like that in there before. I felt like I was five years old, but I didn't care. Besides, we just spent a great amount of the session talking about how I do feel like a child a lot of the time.

I think it's good you did this. You are being you and that is what you need to do.

By the time I got downstairs and was walking to the bus stop, I seriously felt like attacking someone. When I get really angry, my blood seriously boils. It's the time that is most dangerous for me because I lose that split second in my mind that normally should show up right before a behavior occurs. But it doesn't. The behavior just happens. This is normally when I have thrown things, broken things, injured myself and not even realized until afterwards how much I had, and other related stuff. I couldn't even stand to look at anyone on the street. Everyone looked so annoying and happy, I seriously wanted to smack someone. In my mind, I was cursing out my T.

I'm sorry Pinksoil. I feel your frustration and trust me everyone around you has their own cross to bear you just can't see it behind the laughing and smiling...

Now I feel like if something were to happen this week, I cannot call him. It's a lonely feeling. I say how much I want things on my terms. Please. I'm completely at the mercy of the emotions and decisions of those who I have formed attachments to.

Me too my dear. Me too. You'll recall my 'sent my T a fax post last week'....giggle. I hated myself later for what I saw as being a weak person and faxing my feelings across town!!! But this is how it is all unfolding for me. I think you can call him if you need to. If you feel too much pain over this session, call!!!!

This is exactly why I want to be alone.
I hate being alone.

I think about being alone all the time. I try to think about what my life would be like alone. I'd be more obsessive not less. I'd be sitting and staring at the TV or listening to ITunes all day long and stewing...stewing...spiraling...I would journal what you think being alone would mean to you. It might help.

This is such a disconnect from what I felt last Friday. I felt like for once it was sort of okay to need him like I do. Today, I feel like he pushed me away. Did I push myself away? I always do, somehow.

I know exactly what you mean here. At first, when he didn't mention 2x per week you were thinking he didn't care if I remember. Then he brought it up last time and you all decided to try it. What I see today is maybe you were pushing him away so he could see what that feels like? I feel like doing that to my T....it's almost like I want him to feel the pain I feel when he pushes me away or I perceive that he is. Could this be it?

There isn't much insight on my part, in this post. The insight will come later. First I had to get it all out, and let my unconscious speak for a bit.

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I see plenty of insight....plenty

Sorry Pink, all my responses somehow got intermingled above...I'm doing something wrong on here...it's a hard read...sorry about that.

Don't push yourself so hard ...nor so fast! You are in the early stages of therapy... and really doing well. Already close to talking and telling the T about the emotions he evokes? That's great work! Trust me, he can handle them. I believe that all good therapists have a plan, but they don't necessarily share them with the patient... with many situations a good T knows the answer we need, but we aren't ready to see it, even if written out and given to us.

TC!

Pinksoil. I think that it is wonderful that you were able to express anger with your T. I can't even express anger about something or someone else with my T. I see you said that he tries to provoke you - maybe that is what he wants. I am terrified of anger. I imagine one day mine will surface. I think that it is wonderful that you are able to feel and express emotions about your T with your T. I can not even share emotions that I feel about others with my T. Although it sucks I think it might be a good thing.

Hey There. When you are quoting something there are little commands that appear in the txt box around the text that you are quoting. I don't think I can type them in without them being executed. So...

(quote) at the start of the text and at the end of the txt (/quote)
except with square brackets instead of curved.

Any txt that you type in between the 'quote' and 'unquote' commands will appear in a single quoting box.

If you don't want the txt to appear in a quoting box then you will need to find the commands and delete them. Othersise you could insert the commands around the chunks you want. E.g.,

(quote) the person (/endquote)
my response
(quote) some more of what the person things (/endquote)

Or...

You could find something else to distinguish your response from theirs like:

> theirs
mine

or
****theirs
mine

or whatever...

First your post makes me a little jealous and then I feel sorry for myself and start crying. My sessions with my therapist are nothing like that. We get into things – but there is no relationship bond where I feel emotions towards her and I wonder about that and wonder if I’m with the wrong therapist, but I’m chicken about changing it. I’m too nice.

Then I thought about my psychiatrist – I really have issues there. I have all the same kinds of emotions towards him like you have for your therapist. I idolize him most of the time and want to be like him and want to be special to him in some way – I don’t know – his favorite or something. Then I get mad at him all the time. I think because he’s not doing what I want.

Almeda24fan said, “I feel like doing that to my T....it's almost like I want him to feel the pain I feel when he pushes me away or I perceive that he is.” Which reminded me that my psychiatrist once told me this analogy – he said imagine a person with a knife who cuts themselves and then comes up to you and cuts you too. The person says “feel that – it hurts, huh.” Then the person puts salt in both wounds and says, “how’s that feel?” That, he said, is what I do – and apparently I’m good at it too. I do it to him. I can be rather mean to people. With him, I know all his weak spots and can exploit them - I try not to do it intentionally, but I do it unconsciously all the time. He opened the door and said he could take it and keep writing and say anything. Now, I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him away – I know I’ve been angling for a fight – of if he’s pushing away from me. I feel so bad – like I’ve messed up and done something wrong and lost what I had. I tend to oscillate between clinging to him and pushing him away. I’ve pushed him too far and now I’m busy asking for forgiveness. But I’ll probably end up pushing again.

“You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it." – My therapist suggested that I take this tactic with the psychiatrist – talk about wanting to fight with him instead of actually going for a fight. But I’m not good at talking with him – I just react to him.

I'm the same way about being alone - I want to be alone and yet I hate it. I'm desperate for company and companionship, but scared of being rejected or let down. It's really something when I'm feeling all down and lonely and then get mad because my mother calls and interrupts me. What is wrong with me?

The black and white thing (I think it's called splitting) is so hard to get over. Sounds like you've started to be able to identify when you're doing it as you're doing it? I've just started catching myself occasionally. It's progress even if you still do the all bad/all good thing. I do it with people and situations and alternatives.

Pinksoil, wish I could go twice a week to a therapist and see the psychiatrist twice a month. But like you, it’s just too expensive. Instead I go every other week.

I relate so much to what you're going through - so much that I laughed as I read. Except for the experience with the T itself - you're feelings so match mine (only I tend toward depression instead of anger most of the time. The therapist, believe it or not, is encouraging me to try anger.)

I'm sorry I talked so much about me - it's hard for me to shut up. I guess what I wanted to say was know you aren't alone. There are some of us raging and struggling along with you. I'm one.

Hey Pinksoil,

Sorry things have been so rough. I haven't been angry like that in therapy. I wonder if it would be exciting at all. I'm sometimes jealous when other people seem to be feeling things so intensely. I hope it doesn't make you totally nuts waiting for the next session. I know I'd be going bonkers.

I'd have trouble with that kind of decision too. I'd love to see my therapist twice a week but know I couldn't realistically afford it. And heck I'd probably have trouble talking that often.

I spend a fair amount of time in therapy talking about how I feel like a child too. Might be a common theme among adults.... :-)

I hope things get better.

Sidony