Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss you

I feel very alone. I need to speak to you about how I am feeling.

Dear Dr. S,

Thinking of you. Missing you. I'm hanging in there, sure wish I was seeing you tomorrow.

-me

I wish I knew you well enough to call you and tell you how desperately awful I feel. But I don't.

Dear MC,
Could you please just give me a "Thanks, LT" from my Friday e-mail? It's like I want to know you still exist. Not that things are still OK with us, because I do generally trust that, but that you still exist in the world. This is the longest I've been without communicating with you in a long time. Which I know is kind of pathetic. Because it's been, what...11 days? But I just want to know you're there. Doing my best tor resist sending a text because, for all I know, you're still on vacation. And I want to seem not needy. I didn't ask for a response from the e-mail, because what I said was more just exposition, it didn't require a response. But I just want to know you're there...I suspect you're working tomorrow anyway because you usually work on holidays. So...just say something?
Love,
LT

To try and convince me to stay, you said:

- That 'working through' my conflict with you would help me 'work through' the problems I'm having in my relationship. Which is all very well, except that my problem is that I'm stuck in a relationship I don't want to be in. I'm trying to work out how to leave. Oh the f***ing irony.

When I pointed that out you agreed it was 'paradoxical'. I think you were pleased with yourself for using a long word. Yes, I suppose you could call it 'paradoxical'... You could also just call it 'a load of bollocks'.

- That you could help me by being a s**t therapist (literally those words), because I'd have to learn how to deal with my disappointment when you fail me in every possible way.

- That I should leave if I want to, but I shouldn't do it because I 'have to'. What is that even supposed to mean? I'm not sure. Surely if you have to do something, that means you should do it?

Ex T,
I thought I was finally over it but I'm not... It's been over 6 months and it still hurts.

Dear T-Rex:
F*** you, you dense ignoramus.

-Daisy

True fact: the ignoramus is the only kind of dinosaur to survive.

T-Rex is a great name for a t. Sorry you are hurting though.

Not only did the ignoramus survive, but they thrive. They can be seen in their natural habitat as a psychotherapist.

T..
I'm afraid I've stopped trying

Me

C,

I've eaten a normal amount the last 2 days because I'm on vacation with all of my inlaws.
I'm freaking out.
I know this is what you told me that you actually want me to do, but I feel like I'm failing horribly. I wish I hadn't told you I'd fallen back into restriction... I feel like a liar.

MC,
I know that's probably a silly text, but please respond. Seriously, just say "Yep, still exist." That's all I need. Or even just "yes." Or, "Y."
LT

Not silly at all. You are brave to ask for what you need (or want). I hope he responds soon.

is it insane that i WISH i could fully stop?
It is a holiday weekend, though. I also may be slightly bitter bc I e-mailed my T thurs night, and am desparate, but never heard back, and i won't see her until next Monday. I keep telling myself she probably went away.

Ugh, T. I do NOT want to be someone that gets upset at a lack of response and all that shite. I'm sure you probably know that.

You encouraged me to write, bc i've been feeling so bad, and that you would respond, but not always right away. I get that, for real. I am telling myself you have been away with your family this weekend, since it is a holiday, and you took tomorrow off. I am a little afraid I will e-mail you next week taking the week after next off. I don't want to be hurt by you, and if I just stop coming, I won't. I 100% know this is irrational and probably very related to how depressed I am...but I wish you hadn't encouraged me.

I'm staying awake until I'm sure I can fall asleep right away, lest we get a repeat of yesterday night's disaster.

Having a lot of bedtime anxiety. I want you to check in with me but I hate myself for having this infantile impulse. Surely i take care of myself?

I dreamt that it's Friday.
But it's Monday.
11 days.
I can't do it, I can't

Hi T,

Did you see that clip in TV? I wanna talk with you about ex-bf. Somehow. Can we stop talking about child-me for a while and handle the more adult problems? I don't want to but I guess it's important too.

T,

I know you can't help me with the medical report needed for my health insurance application. Wish you could. The report is several hundred dollars, ugh...and it can't be released to me because it's psychiatric, ugh.

Dear MC,
Thanks for responding late last night to my text. It made me cry, I think just from relief from hearing from you and that you still exist.
Love you,
LT