Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Oh boy, t. Was that ever the best work, best 'dialogue' as you said, of our entire years together. Damn, woman. I'm still feeling all floaty. Trying to study, I just knocked over a bottle of water and almost drowned my textbook. I guess I better give up on studying tonight... that book cost me as much as one of my sessions!!

Thank you for handling my anger when it came up and for riding it out with me.

ugh ugh ugh, now i am back onto thinking i should cancel from now on.

I want to see you but nothing's changed so I should stay away.

Dear MC,
I think I realized part of what bothers me so much about the thought of termination. Of course, part of it would be the not seeing you or communicating with you anymore. But the other part is...I'm (we're) only in your life as part of your job. So, if we stop seeing you...would I cease to exist to you? Would you stop caring about me? Would I no longer cross your mind when something reminds you of me/us (like how you said you thought of us when they talked on the news about the new Sesame St. character with autism)? And if so...how is that so different from abandonment? I mean, I guess it would technically be us doing the walking away, but still...

I know you said before that, as long as you're still practicing, even though we terminate, we can always come back. So maybe you'd see that open-door policy as a form of not abandoning. But, even assuming we'd do that at some point, in the interim, would we basically be erased from your life, from your brain, from your heart? Because I'm sure you wouldn't be erased from mine...you're in there in indelible ink.

--LT

I deal with this feeling of not existing for my T outside of the hour.. like I just disappear for her. She has told me that this is not the case - still it is a struggle at times. I found this book and it helped some. Here is a way to hear the story.



I don't know if it will help you, it did help me some.

Alcohol helps me better than any of your meds. I'm sorry.
But not better than you...
I love you.
See you in 8 days.

I sure know that feeling... my t is in my brain and heart in indelible ink too... I 'talk' to her in my head a lot still... at night, in my car, wherever. I think I always will, even after November, must be that whole "internalizing" thing at work. (((LT)))

I don't know where to put this... so here is where it goes; since I don't think I can tell T where I really am with this.

ED trigger


BTW - I have put the food in my drawer at work and ate my fruit instead.

Thank you for agreeing to giving me an extra session on monday even though I feel like I'm just wasting your time.

C,

I wish I could see you twice a week every week.

T, I just can't express enough what an amazing session that was yesterday. I so did it. I stayed in my body and felt my anger and didn't yell or stomp my feet or start bawling. I just felt it. And recognized it. We rode it out together. And then, when I was ready, I stepped out of it. Just, wow.

T,
I wish I'd not make your job so hard. You're a great T and probably a great person. I hope you know that even though I don't say it, and even though I might make you feel otherwise

Hi R,

I'm so grateful that you're committed to helping me through this, helping me bring it out into the open and not be ruled by it any longer. You're right, I'm approaching the point where I can't do this the old way any longer. I hope everything goes to plan and we can continue our work on Tuesday. The physical sensations that accompany the intrusive thoughts are becoming equally overwhelming. 'She called me into the bathroom to help her with something, and she collapsed.' It's a loop, a horrible loop...and I don't know what to do about it. Need to sick this up as soon as possible. I definitely don't want to keep it.

See you Tuesday,

Lost

Caaaaalll meeeeee baaaaack. Uuuuuugh.

See you in 2 days, now those overwhelming feelings are back why now? Why not 36 days ago?

Heidegger would have called you back by now. Just sayin'.

Maybe. Maybe not. Let's not put Descartes before da horse.

I was reminded today that while I will see you as normal on Saturday, I won't see you next Saturday. I'll be in the car on my way to NYC. You probably won't even miss me. I'll probably miss you, but I'm glad we're taking a small break. Because you're still acting like a butthead.

C,

I messaged S again. Casual, non-chalant BS. I still wound up crying my eyes out afterwards.

This isn't going to work, is it...

I can't be friends with someone if I get hurt every time I say anything small to them.

I know I need to let him go.

But it hurts too much.

It hurts so much.

hi t,

i think you are finally getting it. maybe now you can really start to help me. also, i love you. that's all.

me

a;doifja0wernjdsfh!!!!!!!!

i don't know what to do.

i want to cancel to save me more pain. but if i send "hey T, i'm cancelling on monday, possibly longer than that," you probably will be like "Okay, let me know when you are ready to come back," and that will make me feel worse, because i don't REALLY want to cancel. i was getting over the fact you never wrote back to my despairing email last week, and when i was having trouble yesterday, you'd said you call on my lunch break...and you never did, and i never heard from you,

what do i take from this? i am too much, i know.

i am also terrified to come in on monday and you tell me something to this effect.

i hate me.

T,
YOU HURT ME. I am invisible. I am nothing. I don't matter.
What about cancellations?

I don't care anymore.

Dear Dr. S,

I am mad at you. You did nothing wrong. I am just mad at you. I don't even know why.
Sure I can tell you what came out in my fury when I got home. But is that really why I'm mad at you? I don't think so. Hey, at least I'm feeling something.

-me

Thanks guys for helping me get my life back. I love my life.... Who would've ever have heard that come out of my life a few years ago.

GOD, I CANT STAND MYSELF, T.

UGH. Because I am insane and can't control myself, I e-mailed you. Like I figured, something "******" came up for you and you were unable to call. Like I thought, you have a full life, and I am just this stupid, pesky intruder that should stay the eff back and keep to my time slot.

I hate myself. So.Very.Much.