Telling your t something and then they use it against you

I also disagree that it is too soon to talk about it with her. As a client it can be extremely triggering to be "forgotten" like that. I have compassion for her as there is obviously something serious going on to affect her work to such a degree but I also feel angry on your behalf. It isn't okay for that to happen to you repeatedly.
I am curious about how it is so hard for you to stick up for your own rights. (I mean I can't stick up for mine either but it easier to feel indignant for someone else right?) With old t and new t I can see that it seems easier for you to accept not-okay treatment from others than it is to protect yourself.

I absolutely think you have the right to ask her! It may be MORE important because it has happened 3 times in 9 months. Seriously.

I used to see my T on Saturday's, and I quickly figured out that she runs about 10-15 minutes late. It freaked me out at first, as I had never experienced it before, but she was quite consistent in her late-ness, so I eventually adapted.

We ended up having to move sessions to a different day after work, so now she waits until I can get there. A few months ago, she mentioned something about her late-ness, and how a potential client had fired her because of it. I said "Wellll...." and told her how i was freaked out for quite some time, but never would have told her.

She was enlightened. She said her supervisor told her that her clients probably wouldn't say something if it bothered her, and that opened it up to me to tell her how I had felt.

That entirely too long story is to tell you that, if it bothers you (and it should!), you should say something. Even if it was the 10th session and she had cancelled once or twice, you have every right to tell her it upset you and why.

I think my T was a little surprised that I was freaked out over her lateness, and all the thoughts that followed it (what if she forgot me? maybe i have the wrong day?! i am not important!....etc), but she took it in stride and it hasn't been an issue since.

You've been seeing her for 9 months, every other week. I did the math... she has flaked on 3 appts in that time, so basically 7% of the time.

So look at it as a normal 9 to 5 job. Most employers have a 90 day, or 3 month, probationary period. Take the 7%. If an employee flaked 7% of the time during their probationary period, they would miss almost one whole week.

What employer would just sit back and do nothing? Now think that you are paying her. So basically, in the scenario, you are the employer. Consider the time it takes to get there, the gas, the frustration, the emotional upset and turmoil. She owes you more than just "oh, my head," and if that is all she can give you, I think it may be time to consider moving on from the therapeutic relationship with her.

I know you may be concerned for her, and possibly worried about hurting her, but that shouldn't affect this. You pay her for a service, with the expectation that she will be available at the agreed upon time. In any other type of business relationship, I think most people would be able to say "this isn't working," and move on. The difficulty is that with therapy there is attachment, we open our hearts and souls to our Ts, which muddies the waters a bit when it comes to stuff like this.

P.S. sorry if I got too analytical. I'm tired and for some reason thats where my brain went when I saw numbers...

But you do have the right to express your concerns about her impairment because it is affecting her job performance and having a negative affect on you. Again, for whatever reason -- substance abuse, mental or medical health issues, age related memory problems, etc. -- your t is impaired enough to the point of where it is causing you mental harm.

What's happening here, really, is not good for either one of you. Your t's lack of self-care, denial, avoidance, or whatever she got going on is hurting you both and will continue to get worse if left unaddressed, as you know. If you express your concerns to her, you are essentially helping yourself and helping your t.

I agree with others that your T own you a detailed explanation of what happened. As was mentioned above, one of the cornerstones of operating as a T is to keep appointments and if she for some reason forgets then scrutinize herself very thoroughly to understand why it happened. It doesn't look that your T is really scrutinizing herself because otherwise such thing would not happen 3 times in 9 months or at least she would be able to give you an explanation that makes sense.

I've understood that you are yourself a T in training and especially because of that you shouldn't accept a therapy with someone who can't even maintain the elementary frame and thus is clearly not up to the task.

I hope you feel empowered to ask for an explanation, Mona.

I am glad your t dealt with this is a way that supported you. I would feel the same if my t was consistently late and I have had those thoughts too, am I not important? Does she not like me, I am not worth spending time with, etc... it hurts, it really hurts to be rejected over and over and not even get an excuse.

She is such a great t, that's why I really don't understand all of these strange behaviours. She is very experienced, over 25 years. I presume she sees other clients, she has mentioned a few other clients. I really don't know if it's alcohol, that would explain this behaviour more than medical- to me anyway. She did mention being sick before. She has a husband and a farm so I really don't understand. She was so embarrassed about it, that's the main reason I went back because I felt so bad for her that I didn't want her to feel so bad so I let it go. I really think she knows she has a problem but can't tell me or won't tell me.

Thank you it is easier to accept not ok treatment, it is a huge part of my process to allow abuse, I am only learning that I do have a choice of whether to accept it or not. It is so hard because I have lived with abuse all of my life, I thought it was normal.
It is very triggering to be forgotten or abandoned, especially three times. I feel sad for t, I am a reasonable person and she knows she can talk to me if there was something wrong or just tell me the truth, be honest with me. I have made up my mind not to go back to her. She wanted to process what this meant in session but I couldn't, I couldn't fall apart again because I knew she would be upset. On the way home in the car I pulled over and cried my eyes out because I knew that would be the last time I seen her.
You didn't get too analytical and actually it was very helpful to see this statistics.you are right, an employer would say something about her absenteeism. It's a huge problem. I am sure it happens with other clients too.
We do open our souls and it can be hard to just walk away. The bonds are hard to cut, I felt like I really connected to her, we did some really good work. I can't trust her because she is unreliable and I can't put myself through this again, it's like a knife in the heart, a betrayal of my trust.

I can't do it to her because if she sees how hard it is for me she will fall apart.i told her I was ok and it was ok after the last time but really she knew I wasn't ok but I couldn't go there with her again. She knows that not turning up is a huge trigger for me and yet she continues to it. Nothing I say will change her behaviour. It hasn't in the past anyway. As a t myself I am expected to report her if I suspect she is drinking or using drugs or doing anything that could harm the profession. I am really torn over this, I would of course talk to her before I would report her but I am not going to report her because I know nothing only she is harming her clients which harms the profession.

I am a fully qualified t but continuing my training. This makes me somewhat responsible for her behaviour. She probably doesn't bring this to supervision because she would be too ashamed to admit it and her supervisor would question her ability to practise.

Thank you it will take time

She sounds more unwell than doing things deliberately. Oh , Mona - you have not been lucky with your T's.

Ouch, then it seems even more difficult situation. First of all it affects you personally very strongly and secondly you have professional ethical duties. I hope you manage to sort this situation out for yourself so that you can either carry on with her or do what ever else feels right.

I believe that a thorough understanding about why wasn't she attending the appointments is necessary though. I hope you gather enough courage to really ask her what happened, what was she doing while she was supposed to be meeting you, how come this happened just after she had confirmed the meeting with you, what does this "my head" mean etc.

Just because you are a T doesn't make you responsibile for her behavior. Why do you think that?

Also, you should not worry about her falling apart if you question her abandonments, because that is what they are. IF she does fall apart, she is not a good T despite what you may think.

Mona, you're a therapist, right? If you had a client in your position, with you having missed sessions, what would you want them to do? Be quiet? Just take it? Or ask what's up?

I've gotten far more confrontational with therapists in less than nine months (way less, actually). It is not a horrible thing. And if she doesn't like it, tough.

And if you confront her and she falls apart, that's on her.

I didn't know you were also a T... that does muddy the waters a bit doesn't it? Ethically, there are responsibilities you have that a regular client doesn't.

Does your T allow email between sessions? I wonder if maybe approaching her from the mindset of another T with concerns rather than her client might help you a bit. Compartmentalize it, I guess, and email may be easier than face to face, cuz you could work out the wording to your satisfaction before sending it. Instead of your hurt and your disappointment, approach it that you need to be sure she is not "breaking the rules" (I can't think of another way to phrase that...).

Maybe, express that as a T, you are required by XYZ licensing agency to report any possible ethical violations you are aware of, and you need to know what is going on, why she is missing so many appointments, and if there is a logical, acceptable explanation for it.

Taking out the fact that you are also her client, there are other clients involved, and if you were simply a colleague witnessing this behavior, I imagine it wouldn't be so difficult. Hence the muddy waters...

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/iacp-code-of-ethics
See 4.4 and 4.4.1

4.4.1. Remonstrate privately with a colleague if that colleague appears to be engaging in unethical behaviour; where this action does not resolve the issue, they shall bring the matter confidentially and without malice to the attention of the Association's Complaints Committee.

Have you already taken the first step to approach the colleague before reporting with attempt to resolve the issue privately already? How did that go? Sorry you are in this tough predicament. The only behavior you are responsible for changing is your own. Not your t's. It's kind of you to take her feelings into consideration and I know having to deal with this is very difficult. When you really look at the big picture, you are hurting her more by doing nothing. She's self-destructing...at least with her career. Confronting privately may force her to deal with her cognitive deficit, whatever that may be. And taking action will hopefully empower you. Did you have to report your ex-t?

That sounds like what I was trying to express. I'd hate for you to have to report her, as I know you do care for her. As a client, you have certain rights, like fair and responsible treatment, but also as a licensed T, there are certain responsibilities. It's a complicated situation that you are in, and I wish, truly, that there were some kind of magic wand that would make it all better.

I regret that I did not push my sloppy therapist in the past to provide explanations for his behavior. It does not really matter now and I ended it with him when these things became too frequent and there were many other undesirable features as well, so my story is different from yours because mine wasn't a good T otherwise either. But I kind of regret that I did not confront him and asked what it was all about, because I'll never know now and all I can do is make assumptions and, while he really does not matter to me now, the mysterious acts and resulting conflicts do occupy my mind every now and then.

I don't think that there is such a thing as the relationship being too new to question her why she does not keep the commitments you pay her for properly. What I would probably ask is not details, would just tell her that I very much appreciate the help she has provided so far but it is uncomfortable for me to go to appointments repeatedly with her no-show and also feel that my time and commitment is not respected in a professional way, and would like to know why that is and whether it can be changed in the future. I would add that I don't need details but was speculating a lot on how one can forget such appointments, is it maybe some kind of health or serious other personal issue, and if so, can I have some idea what the perspectives are?

I think one does not need to have particular problems around rejection or abandonment to be annoyed by what you describe. I don't, but consider it basic professional etiquette and would be very pi$$ed if it happened to me (I was with my own T who forgot to cancel the appointments and usually am with colleagues that have a habit of not not showing for meetings or being late). It may be interesting to look at why it bothers you but I don't think one needs to do deep analysis to conclude that it is inappropriate on her end and it is perfectly valid that someone is bothered, other issues or not.

If her problem is indeed alcohol-related, as you sometimes think, I mentioned on another thread (where the no-show wasn't even mentioned and you just speculated based on perceived signs and eccentricities) that I could completely imagine it. Because I had been in the alcoholic shoes and this is exactly one kind of thing out of the many secretive seeming mysteries addicts tend to do. It can be especially mysterious in professional life if someone generally has high standards, responsible, does great work when they do it, but there are weird sudden absences, gaps in performance, repetitive excuses, and what seems like high anxiety and discomfort when questioned about due work. I was all those things when I struggled with alcohol and was seriously a mystery to many of my colleagues. I never lost jobs or positions because when I did work, in my own messy ways, it was high quality and very appreciated, and I had many unique professional roles that I created and that could not have been filled easily. I expected people to adapt to me and let me get away with my secret life while at the same time felt intense guilt and shame constantly. I was never confronted directly but was met with a lot of passive aggression from a number of colleagues, which was much worse for everyone. In the end I broke it myself and had honest discussions with a couple colleagues that were my closest collaborators, told them that I had some serious personal issues that I have poor control over and knew that there was no other option but for me to do something finally. No one was blaming and some of those were the most wonderful and helpful conversations, helpful for everyone because my colleagues also kept wondering whether they did something wrong to receive what sometimes looked like neglect from me. We cleared conflicts without ever mentioning alcoholism and things really improved from there. I eventually admitted the alcohol problem to my closest colleague and boss and she was extremely understanding (we all also work in mental health) but made it clear that things had to change. I am just sharing in case something like that is indeed your T's issues. Continuing the ability and opportunity to keep those kinds of deep secrets is the least helpful for everyone, but it is also true that one has to be receptive and open to change for it to have an effect.

Whatever the case, I would definitely ask her about it given that you appreciate her work otherwise. If you don't want to be too direct, perhaps could say that you would like to have a mini-review on your work together so far and take it from there?

See, I don't want to report her, I care about her and her wellbeing. I am actually really concerned that she is not coping or having some kind of burn out issues. Even though she hasn't shown up for three sessions, she is still the best t I have had and the thoughts of not going back is breaking my heart.
I agree with you that change cannot happen unless one is receptive and open.
Thank you for being so honest about your experiences of alcoholism. I really think this is what is happening to my t, confronting her will not help. I really worry about her. I haven't told anyone about this only on her because I want to protect her. I would like to help her and I am unsure how to do this. Your post was very helpful and insightful. I think like you said you have to admit to yourself you have a problem, whether my t doesn't want to admit to me that she a problem or she doesn't want to admit to herself, I am not sure of that. Perhaps she doesn't trust that I could hold it or that she doesn't want it contaminating our relationship but has already filtered through and has damaged our relationship.

Mona, I think it's lovely that you care about your T. BUT I think it's concerning at the same time that you feel it is your role to worry about her and protect her. Do you think that previous abusive T was trying to constantly force you into that role, and that it made therapy go so wrong and not be about you or a healing experience for you? To me, it seems like your tendency to take on the caring role and kind of "sacrificing" yourself for others can lead to unbalanced or unhealthy situations.

I hope that you don't mind me saying this and I am not trying to be offensive. And of course I could be wrong since I don't know you well or in real life.

I am wondering also whether you could see another T, in addition to WHT? Either see two Ts, or if not affordable see WHT every other week and then another T on the alternate weeks?
It might really help to get some kind of balance and not get into a tricky situation like last time? (I know that this T is nothing like previous abusive T, but just talking about a situation that's not the best for you...)

If her problem is alcohol or drug related, it may take getting reported for her to get help.

I am an addict, myself. I have seen, so many times, addicts and alcoholics come in and want to stop, know they need to stop, but they can't. They keep having consequences, small or large, but nothing helps. Until the one thing they value most is threatened, they will not be able to fully understand the severity of the situation.

For me, that one thing is my life. Drinking and using makes me extremely depressed and suicidal. Almost every attempt I have made on my life, I was intoxicated. I had to understand that the drugs and alcohol were going to kill me, one way or another.

For her, if that is what is going on, her career being threatened may be what it takes for her to ask for help. I'm not saying actually report her, but reminding her of the ethical responsibilities you have could be enough for her to talk to you, and then to someone who could help her.

You are her client, not her T. I can tell you have a very caring, empathetic personality. You want to take care of her. But you are her client. That is not your job.

Mona

I am not a lawyer and know nothing about laws. But, I took a perfunctory scan of the rest of the document you linked and it is very careful to link the actions to the rolls one is providing or consuming at that moment. In this situation your roll is as a client, not your as your therapist colleague. I would encourage you to get legal clarification.

I'm sorry this is happening you once again, and I certainly understand/understood your reluctance to walk away and especially to report her.

Take care of what Mona needs and the rest will eventually fall in place as slow as the process is. Again, you are not responsible for saving others from your therapists missteps as a client, JMO. Best wishes to you.

Of course I don't mind you saying actually it is really good feedback for me to hear that this is what I do. I do look after others and sacrifice myself in the process. I think you are right about ex t( well it's hard to know what to call her because I still see her) she does tell me things about her life so I do worry and end up wanting to take care of her. It happens in every relationship and I am really aware of it now. I really like WHT and am concerned for her, I don't want to just leave and not hi back to her, I hope that she could tell me and be honest about what is going on for her, even if she had of said she got an emergency phone call or something but saying "my head" this not give me much faith in her.

Yes you are right about the focus on various roles, I am my ts client but I am also a colleague, it's confusing! I think I will ask the IACP about what they advise in this situation and what my role is. Thank you for your reply


Thank you for your response, you are right sometimes being found out can be liberating. I think in her case it could be very shameful for her. I think she is a fabulous t and I feel sad that she is letting her problems get in the way.
Sounds like you have a good understanding of alcoholism and the difficulties that it brings. Do you drink anymore?
I would like it if my t could get help, she is so good at helping others. She really has so much empathy I can see why she would start drinking

I've been sober, this time, just over 60 days. I have had longer periods, the longest being 2 and 1/2 years. It's hard, cuz I've still got some major triggers that I have to deal with daily. But I keep trying and I keep going back to getting sober, after a relapse. I know I need to be sober, that it is what is best for me, and the only way I will be able to be happy at some point.

I think, for your T, tho, that shame could be what she needs. If she is having substance problems, shame can be a powerful motivator. For some people it takes guilt or shame, for some extreme fear, and for some, like me, it takes having reality slap you in the face. It wasn't shame or guilt, and it wasn't fear, it was the realization that I was killing myself and letting those that "drove me to drink" win by continuing to abuse myself.