[Calilady]

I def idealized my former T. Told her as much. We never talked about why or what was going on underneath that.

New T talked to me about it today, though. He said that sometimes clients idealize their T's, when we really don't know them. He talked about how we create a fantasy in our head of a person we don't really know anything about and that the fantasy is much better than the reality.
He went onto say that focusing on the T relationship is a bit of avoidance in its own right and that healthier behavior would be to go towards connections in everyday life that could fulfill our needs. The T relationship is an unavailable one and shouldn't be treated like a replacement for friends, family, and loved ones and so on. We went on to talk about why I was drawn to my T and the people I have in my life.

My first T would have NEVER talked to me about this. My question is, has yours?

To be fair, former T did say that if I ever got to the point of counting down minutes to my T appointment, that would be something we would have to discuss. I did count the days, but never got to the hours/minutes countdown.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I def idealized my former T. Told her as much. We never talked about why or what was going on underneath that.

New T talked to me about it today, though. He said that sometimes clients idealize their T's, when we really don't know them. He talked about how we create a fantasy in our head of a person we don't really know anything about and that the fantasy is much better than the reality.
He went onto say that focusing on the T relationship is a bit of avoidance in its own right and that healthier behavior would be to go towards connections in everyday life that could fulfill our needs. The T relationship is an unavailable one and shouldn't be treated like a replacement for friends, family, and loved ones and so on. We went on to talk about why I was drawn to my T and the people I have in my life.

My first T would have NEVER talked to me about this. My question is, has yours?

To be fair, former T did say that if I ever got to the point of counting down minutes to my T appointment, that would be something we would have to discuss. I did count the days, but never got to the hours/minutes countdown.

My T has talked to me about this and said pretty much the same things

[junkDNA]

He called it putting all my eggs in one basket

I'm in the type of therapy that focuses on the relationship, so yes, we discuss the relationship feelings all the time.

The idealizing transference is the same thing as 'falling in love'. I no longer think about him constantly (that was a phase) but still do quite a bit.

Your T has some good points, but my T would likely say the opposite in regard to the avoidance--not getting attached and not talking about feelings and projections that arise from the therapy relationship would be the avoidance. It's just a different philosophy.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by Blanche_

I'm in the type of therapy that focuses on the relationship, so yes, we discuss the relationship feelings all the time.

The idealizing transference is the same thing as 'falling in love'. I no longer think about him constantly (that was a phase) but still do quite a bit.

Your T has some good points, but my T would likely say the opposite in regard to the avoidance--not getting attached and not talking about feelings and projections that arise from the therapy relationship would be the avoidance. It's just a different philosophy.

I think he meant that in terms of, "Look, I have this distraction of a wonderful therapist in my life and I can't get them out of my mind. They're bright, shiny, and perfect. But they are not. They're just a means to avoid things going on within yourself. They are a distraction, all to avoid that pain that is deep down."

That's basically what he said without the arm and hand gestures, lol. I get what you are saying, if one avoids discussing it. Or in my case, it never gets brought up and while I was entrenched in it, I was completely unaware.

In psychoanalytic therapy you generally let the idealizing transference fizzle out on its own. One reason is you learn alot about yourself throught that process and get to know yourself, who you are.

Children idealize their parents at a certain age just the same, which has many more layers than that avoidance theory. But there's something called 'splitting' where you see people as 'all good' to protect yourself; children do that . The other end of that is sometimes devaluation. That is sort of a defense.

[kecanoe]

I see one t who thinks that the attachments is a good and natural thing, that it provides insights into my other relationships, and that it can be healing. We talk about it when I want to.

My other t says that she is there to teach me and to work with me and to use her training to help me. She says that she makes no promises about sticking around and that getting attached to her is a sign of my dependent personality traits and that I should avoid it. I need to get healthy and get what I need from outside of her office.

Like Blanche said, it is a matter of what the t believes, and how he/she is trained.

[Calilady]

I guess the scary thing is that you're at the will of the T, because when you're the client, it's very hard to see the forest for the trees.

Should I become "attached" again and I certainly hope I do not, as this would indicate to me a bit of repetition compulsion on my end, I'd need a T who was very self-aware, as my ex-t had her ego fed by this (to an extent, I don't wanna paint her as the villain). And then we ended up in reenactment. Gosh. Such a mess.

To clarify, I say "sort of" a defense because splitting is more of a cognitive trait associated with object relations. I'm not sure if your therapist was talking about splitting, but there's a great deal of information about it online.

But idealizing/obsessing is not always or often splitting. I personally don't do splitting but have had alot of idealization. (Which I'm perfectly fine with, by the way).

[lucozader]

Yes, we have talked about it a lot, and my T has pretty much the same view as yours.

As I said to him last week, though... It's not that simple.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T and I talk about our relationship and my attachment to her all the time.

[Myrto]

My ex therapist constantly encouraged me to focus on my life instead of on the therapeutic relationship. She was right. I didn't see it that way at the time: I saw it as her "forbidding" me to talk about our relationship. I was pissed. But now that I'm out of it, I can see she was absolutely right: my obsession with her was about avoidance and idealization. Now that I actually focus on creating on meaningful life outside of therapy, I feel better than when I was continuously dwelling on our every interaction.

[Elio]

We talk about it a lot, when I bring it up. She rarely brought it up. She wondered if I was trying to protect a perfect image of her. However, I don't see her as perfect and never have. Therefore I struggle with the concept of idealized or idealizing ones T. I have major maternal transference going on. I still don't see her as perfect.

I have used the transference as a way to link things together. The feelings and thoughts that happen between T and myself are talked about and interwoven with stories of my past (as well as other aids such as music, picture books, ect) eventually things overlap/overlay each other and peace happens. Forgive me if I'm not making sense, it's hard to describe.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

He called it putting all my eggs in one basket

My former therapist used this expression. It was part of the case she made for getting rid of me.

Therapists give a performance that provokes idealization, then chastise the client for getting caught up in it, and give a patronizing lecture about focusing on real relationships, which presumably the client would have been doing if there weren't some problem getting in the way. No matter how you slice it, that is plain crazy.

I found this to be the most egregious sort of emotional manipulation.

[Chummy2]

I felt very attachted to my prevT. I'm still am. It wasn't always like that. It was a healthy relationship first.
I don't idealise her. I don't think she's perfect. I do think she has a good life. I don't know much about her life. But enough to know it's a good one. Much better than mine.

We didn't talked mucht about my attachment. I felt she didn't felt comfortable talking about it. Talking about something that somehow involved her. Maybe that partly why my attachment never improved.

Current T can talk about it. Honestly and openly. She will have to, because I'm having a very hard time with my attachment to prevT. My relationship with current T is healty. She also seems to understand that people can get to attached to their T.

I don't think this attachment is a way of avoidance. Currently this attachment causes me the most pain. I don't know how I have to deal with this, how to get over this. Even 6 months without any contact didn't made it better, only worse.