[granite1]

i know it was not in my head today .she told me she was angry with me . she got angry because i asked her what again when she came in the room . she just standing there staring at me like she had something to say . so i said what!!! she went off on me asking me why i always do this to her . i freaked because she raised her voice and i was done for .i couldnt talk .i was in a complete panic i cant even remember all she said . i was sobbing again. she was behaving just like the mother . i kind of said that to her and she said she was angry with me . she kept raising her voice to me and telling me she is not the mean horrible mother and it isnt fair to her when i project that on her .but she was acting like the mother .saying the same things as the mother. my head gets all mixed up when she does this .i feel trapped like i cant say anything right but she demands me to answer her . i cant .today was horrible .im still shaking . she was mocking me again just like the mother does.saying oh poor granite is being treated bad by the mean horrible therapist .and all kind of things like that because i was sobbing so much .then she would raise her voice to me and say she is not that way and that she cant help me as long as i am seeing her as the mean mother .but she is yelling at me .im terrified about what is going on i couldnt talk she would not accept my words i was trapped .my head still keeps switching between her and the mother and it is the same .i know what i hear and see. im sitting there and hearing her voice and the mothers voice all the same thing . she dont seem to believe me .when she started mocking me again and raising her voice i freaked even more i couldnt stay there i was completely out of control.i ran for the door but she is closer and got up holding the door shut telling me i cant leave. she was so angry .she told me to go sit down because i was standing by the door and she wouldnt move . i sat back on the couch and grabbed the pillow to hide behind and she yelled at me to put the pillow down i wouldnt so she yelled again so i did and grabbed my small back pack and she yelled at me to put that down sit up strait on the couch and face her . just the kind of thing the mother would do and say as she is saying horrible things to her .i felt so exposed .so much more went on but i just cant say more right now

[growlycat]

Your t in is caught up in a reenactment of your childhood trauma and it bothers me that she doesn't even see her role in this.

Blocking the door is wrong and frankly stupid. My t Kashi once told me that he was punched in the face by a client who he tried to stop from leaving. I don't know if your t is equipped to deal with trauma.

omg granite!!! i don't even know what to say. i just, i feel for you so much. i wish i could just teleport to where you are and give you big safe hugs. i project my mother onto my t sometimes and it really really sucks. nothing as bad as this sounds, i cannot even imagine how that must have felt for you. I wish i knew something to say that would help. Just know that i am thinking of you and sending as much healing energy as i can to you tonight. you are such an amazing and strong woman and you will get through this because she is not the mother and you are not that defenseless child anymore. you are strong and you are woman. and I wish I could also teleport to your t's office and give her a stern talking to. (((granite)))

eta: what growly said - it bothers me too that she doesn't see how she's caught up in a reenactment of your childhood trauma. and blocking the door is wrong on any level. even on the best day i think i would freak if my t tried to block the door. i am bigger than her and i am sure she would get hurt. no. just no.

[Shazerac]

Wow! Sorry you had to go through this. I can't believe that she was yelling at you and prevented you from leaving. That is not OK at all. I would seriously consider finding another therapist. If anyone anywhere tried to prevent me from leaving a room, I would probably flip out and call the police!

[velcro003]

Yeahhhh...man, Granite, I try to give your T the benefit of the doubt because it seems she truly does care...but even if you confuse her and your mother, she really should have figurd out a better way to deal with your trauma and abuse. There HAS to be antoher way to have you calm down and come back to the present when you start hearing the mother.

I will keep saying this until you listen to me (), but I think talking with this sort of trauma will not help you, at least not right now. I really, really think you should try to maybe seek out a trauma T, one that isn't based solely on talking, just to get a different perspective.

I want you to start feeling okay about therapy, and more okay with your life. You deserve it.

[velcro003]

Also--have you ever thought of recording your sessions? I wouldn't even bother telling your T this, just hit record on your phone before you go in. Once you feel in a better space, maybe listen to it back and see if it feels the same? That might help you see a little more clearly?

[growlycat]

[Calilady]

Oh gosh, I'd feel retraumatization if that were me. How long have you been with this t?

[Amyjay]

Granite are you able to do some calming soothing things for you to help calm your nervous system down? What you are describing is retraumatization and it will cause a physiological state of hyperarousal in you (being "triggered"). Maybe it would help if you can find some soothing ways to restore your nervous system to "normal". Hot bath, soothing music, warm scents, soft cuddly something, deep breathing, stuff like that.

I don't think your t understands that she was retraumatizing you. She probably didn't even mean to but she did and it wasn't okay. She can't see how much that harms you. She just doesn't now about what she doesn't know about. She doesn't seem to understand the long term affects of complex trauma and the physiological reactions that result from triggers. Because she doesn't know what she is doing she is actively HARMING you.
There is a better way. There are therapists who can recognize physiological hyperarousal and hypoarousal and help you manage it. These are NORMAL reactions to trauma and there are therapists that know how to help people who experience them.
You are not bad, you are not wrong, but your therapist is giving you the wrong "help" for your trauma. Her help is hurting you and she doesn't know enough to see it.

[childofchaos831]

So, I'm going to preface this with what your T did make me angry at her. Not at you. But if you are not in a place to read a comment that is somewhat charged emotionally right now, please wait until you feel you can. I don't want reading this to upset you more. Have you tried calming things, like a bath or music, maybe even a good cry and a nap could help now.

So here comes the more charged part...


I would love to give your T the benefit of the doubt here, but I can't. None of that is okay, at all. You did nothing wrong, and the instant you said that she was acting like your mother, who was abusive, she should have known enough to stop, and switch gears, even if she has absolutely no training in trauma therapy.

I would encourage you to find a new T asap, and, honestly if it were me, I would never go to that T again. I see her behavior in that one appt as enough to call whichever board she is licensed thru, and at least describe the situation. To me, her behavior is completely unethical and out of line.

I am so sorry that happened. I worry that continuing to see this T will only hurt you in the long run. She basically just pulled a power play and won. You were scared of her, and in turn, you couldn't stand up for what you needed. She wouldn't let you leave, which is also a major problem. If someone were berating me like that and then blocked the door when I tried to leave, I would probably call ther police. What she did is entirely uncalled for and unethical. And in my opinion, she has no place treating people with any type of mental illness.

I know right now you are scared and upset and traumatized. I hope that you have been able to calm down at least a bit.

[Pain94]

Granite, Please step lightly and take care. I would report her! She should not be traumatizing you!!!!!!!!!! This sounds exactly like a former T that I am thinking about reporting.

[satsuma]

I'm so sorry to hear this Granite. It sounds like your T really lost her cool. Anyone would be frightened by someone blocking the door. I was once with someone who acted like that, blocking the door (they were not a T though) and I flipped out.

In the past it has seemed that you got confused between the behaviour of your T - who has always sounded like a caring T who is trying to help you - and the mother. But on this occasion, from what you have described, it sounds like T really lost it. Maybe there is something going on with her - I mean in her personal life. But in that case she shouldn't have been at work.

I'm really sorry you went through this. You had made such good progress with this T. I'm sorry this happened. I hope you're starting to feel better.

[granite1]

her response to her blocking the door was if i was acting like a baby and running out of the room so upset instead of talking with her she cant let me leave .she said she knew i was in a very bad place and i was not going to be safe and she would not have done her job if she let me run out until she knew i was calm and going to be safe. she said this in this mocking voice and her calling me a baby triggered me even more . she so messed up

[granite1]

im thinking there is something going on with her also .i hope she will be able to work it out because i cant do anything right in therapy right now . i just want to wait it out and hope things get better

[Calilady]

That doesn't sound heathy for you. Reenactment + retraumatization = no bueno

[granite1]

she talked about me reenacting the trauma but said i am creating that myself and she would be a bad T if she engaged in that with me and that i need to know this is coming from me .but she is acting and saying things just like the mother as she is saying these things and mocking me in this funny voice just like the mother.its confusing .like a ***** storm in my head .she knows how upset i was she even said if i needed to talk to her i could call her on her cell any time .that was caring . at the end she told me to breath in and out a few times and then told me to do it again and she was going to say something to me .she said i was ok and that she was not angry with me and she cares about how i am feeling and that she is not leaving me

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

her response to her blocking the door was if i was acting like a baby and running out of the room so upset instead of talking with her she cant let me leave .she said she knew i was in a very bad place and i was not going to be safe and she would not have done her job if she let me run out until she knew i was calm and going to be safe. she said this in this mocking voice and her calling me a baby triggered me even more . she so messed up

did she actually tell you that you were acting like a baby?!

Originally Posted by Calilady

That doesn't sound heathy for you. Reenactment + retraumatization = no bueno

Yeah, agreed x100.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by granite1

she talked about me reenacting the trauma but said i am creating that myself and she would be a bad T if she engaged in that with me and that i need to know this is coming from me .but she is acting and saying things just like the mother as she is saying these things and mocking me in this funny voice just like the mother.its confusing .like a ***** storm in my head .she knows how upset i was she even said if i needed to talk to her i could call her on her cell any time .that was caring . at the end she told me to breath in and out a few times and then told me to do it again and she was going to say something to me .she said i was ok and that she was not angry with me and she cares about how i am feeling and that she is not leaving me

That is one helluva mind ****.

[granite1]

believe it she really did .and then when i sat back on the couch i went to hide with a pillow on my lap .i was scared .she shouted at me to put the pillow aside. at first i refused and she shouted again and so i put it aside and grabbed my small back pack .she shouted for me to put that aside and to turn around in the chair sit straight with feet on the floor and to look at her. i dont remember what she said after that . i just felt so exposed with nothing on my lap or to hide behind . just me sitting there with nothing to protect me . her mocking me and and acting just like the mother .

[growlycat]

You did not do anything wrong granite, your t did. She is engaging in the reenactment but thinks she is not. Ever think about getting a third party consultation to get another ts take if your t relationship is right for you? A neutral party can assess what is going on

[velcro003]

granite, i think your T REALLY effed up, but i am not sure she was shouting at you. Whenever you have thought she has shouted at you, you've gone back and she has explained differently.

What I am guessing is that she probably was a little firm because she was worried? I don't know. I am not sure how you can reconcile this with her, because you are so easily triggered.

Please, please think about something different. You deserve it.

[velcro003]

P.S: That is NOT me blaming you, AT ALL. I agree with the others that she doesn't know how to handle your abuse and re-traumatization.

[childofchaos831]

She seems to be switching between caring and concern and being abusive. That can be very confusing to someone who has a trauma history, or is still in a traumatic situation. I really think she needs to be confronted with her behavior, and shown that it is not helping you, at least right now. From some of the other comments, it seems that she has been helpful in the past, butf that does not excuse her current behavior, and showing care after mocking and shouting (or even using a stern tone knowing you are already upset) doesn't excuse the behavior either. I wonder if you could have someone, like a mental health advocate, speak to her for you or go with you when you speak to her. My concern would be that bringing it up could only set her into the mocking and name calling again, which would only defeat the purpose.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

She seems to be switching between caring and concern and being abusive. That can be very confusing to someone who has a trauma history, or is still in a traumatic situation. I really think she needs to be confronted with her behavior, and shown that it is not helping you, at least right now. From some of the other comments, it seems that she has been helpful in the past, butf that does not excuse her current behavior, and showing care after mocking and shouting (or even using a stern tone knowing you are already upset) doesn't excuse the behavior either. I wonder if you could have someone, like a mental health advocate, speak to her for you or go with you when you speak to her. My concern would be that bringing it up could only set her into the mocking and name calling again, which would only defeat the purpose.

I concur. It would have my head spinning.

[satsuma]

It's difficult isn't it Granite, because so many times you have experienced T shouting, mocking you, and behaving like the evil mother, but then afterwards you have realised that in fact T wasn't shouting or mocking, but that is how you experience it because you get flashbacks of the evil mother. I think this is so hard, because it makes it difficult for you to know whether or not to trust your T, and it's difficult for us also, reading what you have written, to know which parts are your horrible memories of how the evil mother behaved, and which parts are definitely what your T was doing.

I do think it's a big mistake, blocking the door from someone who is freaking out. But you have now explained that your T was very concerned about you leaving the room in an unsafe state. So even though I think T shouldn't have blocked the door, and it's totally understandable that it made you so upset, I think T probably wasn't shouting or mocking you, but that your mind was making the link with how the evil mother used to behave when she was shouting and mocking you.

If you choose to go back again, do you think you could record the session, e.g. on your phone? And then maybe have a trusted person listen to it afterwards, and tell you whether they hear T shouting and mocking, or how it sounds to them? Or even listen back yourself, a few days later, and see whether you still have the same impression regarding T's behaviour?