Couch 153: Couch slouch

Here, this first one is silly.... in undergrad we found this song and made every computer in the school library play it at the same time one night. It caused a lot of chaos

The next one is more serious... very beautiful... they are two movements from the piece "Quartet for the End of Time," written and then performed by Olivier Messaien while he was in a WW2 prison camp with scraps of paper he snuck from the prison guards, but anyway, the video is of a live performance of the quartet with an artist throwing paint at the same time. It's very mesmerizing.

Part 1:
Part 2:

Haha, I've never heard this before.
Tbh I never watch videos in the internet. Idk why. I'm scared... of something.
But couch is the really safe place... and I trust you

I'll give you two more for now

A marmoset monkey getting his hair brushed:

And a baby owl!

I'm late for work bc of tourists

hugs to everyone in need and want of them.

Stay strong!

does anybody else do that thing - i don't know if it's called magical thinking or what - where you're afraid of feeling happy because if you let yourself, it will cause something bad to happen? That's what's happening in my head right now. I've been letting myself feel happy since my girl's weekend last month, and my marriage has been good too, but in the past two or three days I've become very wary of that happiness, feeling like allowing myself to be happy is asking for something bad to happen, will cause something bad to happen, and now it seems it has, my h is out of town but I talked to him earlier and he didn't sleep well last night because he played poker so badly with his friends his memory is not what it used to be and then he was nauseous and sick and other gross things and is talking like his time left on earth is short and he's glad he's with his longtime friends right now so he can tell them goodbye and all that and I know he has a tendency toward hypochondria, but this isn't that, I've never heard him being so fatalistic before, and it scares the hell out of me, and I sit here and my mind runs away with me and tells me that it's all my fault for letting myself be happy, i hate my brain and i need my t and and and. Breathe, Karen. Breathe. He's a big boy, he can find a doctor where he is if he feels that bad, it's probably just a stomach bug and nothing more, and he's just tired....

(I still want my t. Because what if he's right and it is something serious wrong with him? I'm not strong enough to handle this.)

LT, sorry to hear the dog didn't work out. One of those things that you can't really know until you try it... it's good that you thought about what was right for Brownie too... that must have been a difficult decision for you. (((LT)))

I like that.

((Art))

Rerecaryous my liver's been so vulnerable lately

Eta gotta love the rogue blinky thingie

Thanks, Art. Both H and I were pretty weepy about taking her out to the car (and H when he dropped her off). D meanwhile was singing, "Bye bye, Brownie!" And seems very relieved that she's gone. She's a good dog, we're just not in a good place to be dog owners right now (mostly because of D).

Yes my T calls that magical thinking

Some kids prefer being an only child. I know my older brother sure did! D just wasnt ready to share you guys, and i think Brownie knew it too - thats what she "indicated".

So does my t. What does he know?! Ive been waiting for the other shoe to drop all week. A couple of hours ago, we get an email from apartment management that the electric power will be off for a few hours for a repair. On like the hottest day of the year.

My chest gets all tight. I fill up a couple of water bottles and turn off the fans and lights and go lie down. I ALREADY slept twelve hours, a nap is not likely. I think, well a healthy person would leave and go see a nice cool movie, rent a car, do SOMETHING. Im all, well im not a healthy person, am i? I had PLANS (for chores) this afternoon. If i go out, ice cream will jump in my mouth.

45 minutes later, another email, electricity was never turned off, repair was performed anyway. I made coffee and im trying to get my heart started again! Maybe a 2nd cup of coffee will do it.

So my advice - the powers that be just want to see that youre at least THINKING of handling the situation better than your old ways, and they will reward you. Work WITH the magical thinking! Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater! So sayeth the church of unaluna

I hope you've gotten your heart restarted!!

And, waiting for the other shoe to drop yes. that's exactly how i've felt the last coupla days. but it's true, about at least thinking of handling the situation better than my old ways, and actually i am so far, i did not start freaking out or crying on the phone with him, I just said I love you and get some sleep and hopefully you'll feel better after that, maybe it's just a stomach virus. I didn't start the magical thinking til after I hung up the phone. so at least i didn't make HIM any worse like I used to do.... and now i need to learn how to work WITH the magical thinking as the church of unaluna sayeth.... surely there's some points earned somewhere for not freaking out on the phone like I used to would have.

(Life would sure be boring if we were normal, wouldn't it?)

It's 6 a.m and I can't sleep, maybe I should give up and start another day

capt...i've been worried about you. your despair seems to be only getting worse, and i honestly think calling your T would be a good thing. My T WANTS me to call her when i am feeling bad, and there isn't much worse than feeling suicidal,right?

I have a phone phobia And I'm afraid all he can say is "take your meds"...

(((ARTIE))) i think you did great! Its the spirit, not the letter, of the law!

I made bbq pulled turkey (is that a thing?!) for dinner. I read about G Hughes sugarfree bbq sauce, which is pretty yum and not weight watchers disapproved at least. I put it on some rotisserie turkey breast. I dont eat enough bbq sauce, i think thats my problem. You know how mean guys will raise their eyebrows and say, oh she needs a good you know? I think they mean bbq sauce.

I called my t today, something I've only done twice in a year. It took me an hour of staring at my phone to do it, but I'd already been crying for 2 hours and was so upset I just couldn't take it anymore. I was extra hesitant to call because he doesn't work today. Sometimes I also hesitate to contact him, usually via email, because I know he often doesn't respond unless I specifically ask him too and the non-response can be painful too. It took him most of the day to get back to me, but he did and he was so kind to me for the few minutes we talked and he wasn't upset that I had called. I'm so glad I reached out to him today. It made a real difference. If you're really struggling, make the effort to reach out for help.

A good Roger Moore?? I think there are reruns of The Saint somewhere...

update: h called again and said he slept for awhile and then ate his leftovers from breakfast and said he was feeling much better and no longer thinks he is dying.

i'm glad i had studying to distract me from the phone call this morning. good grief.

although this has got to be the longest chapter in mankind. it is going on forever and ever and ever and ever. it's not that it's boring, it's just so much information that my head is spinning about now. I am determined to finish it tonight though. I don't care how late I have to stay up. Mountain Dew to the rescue!!!

I can sleep tomorrow.

Yes, sounds like magical thinking. I do it, too... Technically a part of OCD (which I have), but don't think it's limited to that. Like you, I worry that if I'm happy, something bad will happen. And other stuff, like I have to say "I love you" to D right after she walks out the door (like to go with H) or something bad might happen. It also played into my reaction when I found out MC's wife was sick (and ultimately passed away)--like, I had feelings for him, did I somehow cause this to happen? Of course, I didn't, because her condition dated back to cancer treatment she received as a teen, but that didn't stop me from feeling guilty...

Its a Rosh Hashana miracle!

COEXISTU