How do you ask your T if s/he loves you?

I have thought about this a lot. I read about people on here whose Ts say they love them. Ex-T basically said she loved me. I do love current T, and I know she cares about me. But does she love me? Is it even okay for a T to love their clients? And if so, is it okay to tell their clients?

My T is mostly blank slate... So that will be an issue in itself. I also think she didn't agree with ex-T telling me she loved me (but that conversation was a long time ago). M
And my T has pretty strong/healthy boundaries.

But I want to know if she loves me!

However, I know (and I think she knows) if she tells me she doesn't love me, it will devastate me. I will feel rejected. I will most likely have a breakdown, and it will set our relationship back.

It's weird though. As of right now, I'm okay if my T doesn't love me. What matters is that she cares. But I think hearing the words "I don't love you" will kill me (not literally).

So I want to ask her if we can talk about love in a therapeutic relationship, specifically love from a T. I want to know her opinion on it, and I want to know how she feels about me.

How do I bring up this topic with her? (Btw, I plan on emailing her so that she has time to think about how she wants to address it).

I think an important question is what does love or loving someone means to you? Is it a feeling (like being in love) or is it an action?

If it is a feeling then does it matter if actions don't reflect the feeling? It could be then so that someone says she loves you but you don't feel it. Then what's the truth? Her words saying that she loves you or your feeling that she doesn't?

On the other hand, if love expresses itself in actions then you should be able to feel it without any words said. What if when the person refuses to say whether she loves you or not but her actions make you feel loved? Would you conclude that your feeling is wrong because the person doesn't say the words?

My mother has told me that she loves me. I have never felt it. To me they are just words. I don't doubt that in herself she feels something and she sincerely believes she loves me. But her love to me has never expressed itself anywhere in her actions. Thus, my understanding is that she doesn't really love me and that's how I take it.

A T I saw temporarily told me after I had told him that I want him to love me: "What I do is a form of love". He never said the words "I love you" but over time I started to feel that he loves me. I have no questions about that.

My T has told me few years ago that he loves me. During that time I wasn't able to take in the words and understand their meaning. So although he said those words and I had no reason to think that he would lie to me, I couldn't really believe it or feel it. His words started to make some sense to me after I had asked him that why does he love me because obviously he just can't love all his patients and he responded: "I don't love all my patients but I love you because you need it".

Now he hasn't told me he loves me for several years and I wouldn't need it anymore anyway. I know that he does. Recently I told him that I know that he loves me and he responded just simply "Yes".

I don't see anything inappropriate in therapists loving their patients. Why would it be wrong? Btw, both of the T's I wrote about are blank slate'ish psychoanalysts. But I really think the love is more about actions and feeling it yourself, rather than someone saying the words.

Do you feel your T loves you? If you do then you have your answer. If you don't then it's trickier because it could be that she really doesn't or it could be that she does but for some reason you are not able to feel it and take it in. I doubt concrete words would help in either case.

For me, I can feel how my t feels about me. I don’t need to ask him as I know. I think our t’s love us in their own way, whether that’s a therauputic love, or a kind of work love, but I do think it’s a unique love. I try to liken it to my work. I’m a teacher of kids who have challenging behaviour. Because of their issues, I get to have a unique relationship with them & do have a kind of love for them, especially when you can see their pain.
I think if you want to hear the words from your t, you may be disappointed, but maybe ask What kind of feelings do they have for you?

I truly don't know if my T loves me. I feel cared for. I know she goes above and beyond for me. But love? I think loving someone is both a feeling and action...and words. I don't think assuming someone loves you based upon your perception is accurate. The words are very important to me. Kind of like when someone does something wrong on accident. You say "I'm sorry". It means nothing if actions don't back it up, but do you really know the person is sorry without saying the words too?

I personally think that asking this kind of question most often calls for the other person not to be honest about it, even in everyday relationships. I imagine that most Ts would never say "I don't love you" and few would express the opposite ("I do love you") as well. Most would probably talk around it and/or challenge the client to investigate why they have a need to ask it. I also believe that in this area, actions usually speak louder than words and tend to be more genuine, and it's possible between T and client, but I imagine that love between T and client is probably something that develops (if) over a longer period of time, but then it's palpable. I would definitely think that interest, caring, liking, appreciation, gratefulness etc can be more common in this context and in most professional relationships.

My T has told me she cares about me, cares a lot about me and that I matter to her. She has not said the words "I love you" and I have talked to her (not with her) about the placement of those words in therapy. My T is what I would consider blank slate lite. I think the lite is there because I demand her to be more interactive and honest with me than what a blank slate T would be. However, unless I directly ask her, she does not share her opinion on anything or give advice. I struggle with this - with being able to feel loved, to take it in and make it be part of me.

I have told her that I believe she loves me. I have also told her that I want to keep believing she loves me. I've questioned if caring about me means she loves me and if caring in general means love.

My T has shown me many things that lead me to believe she loves me. In our most recent potentially rupture worthy interaction, I told her that I needed to feel loved by her. I found it interesting that I phrased it that way rather than saying I needed her to love me. I followed up with an ask that might help me feel loved by her.

So, as to how to ask... I think if you feel you need to ask, talking about her stance on the concept might be the safer way to go. It might provide you with a better understand of how she views love in general.

BTW - I do ask my T fairly often if she loves me in my journal (which is shared with my T). My T does not respond to anything in my journal unless I ask her directly.

This is a hard subject. I am a teacher as well, and there are many moments in which I love my students as a group, and many times I try for the ideal of "agape". There are also some kinds of love that are inappropriate, and so keeping the lines very clear- what is the right texture of love seems to be practically what defines a great therapist from a dangerous one. Humans are messy, love can be inexplicable, and can a human really come to love someone who hires them out of the phonebook or off psychology today, especially if they have a wife and kids at home, a personal life calling for that sort of love? I someomtimes feel my T loves me- once he said about someone else in my life :He loves you, and it had that feeling as if he'd somehow spoken for himself because his voice wa exceedingly gentle and full of emotion. But he has seen most of the worst in me and little of the best; there has never been that kiss that tells so much. . . It just seems unlikely in the grand scheme of things he loves me. I feel love for and from him, but I also know it isn't love that is tested in the messsiness of real life. There is a purity to it, but the fact that it will surely end, is meant to end, and would end if I stopped paying my bill kind of sobers me up that it is a relationship to practice loving and feeling loved, and not the real thing in real life. I think My T would be pretty mad if I asked him if he loved me, and feel his boundaries were violated by the question, and would lecture me that we do not have a social relationship but a professional one. Nonetheless the feeling of tacit love in the room is sometimes there. It seem like a gift, that could be ruined by forcing it.

Given how much you struggle in your relationship with your T at times (and believe me, I can relate to that), I would think long and hard about why you want to broach this topic. Not to say that you shouldn't do it, because no topic is off-limits in therapy, but there is a certain balancing act here since the potential for this topic to open up soul-crushing pain for you is quite high. I would ask myself why I want to know, what yes or no or evasion would mean to me, what love looks like or feels like to me, etc. I don't know that conversation is likely to have an outcome that will make you feel better and more secure, and I think it's worth recognizing that that could potentially make this a Pandora's box.

Awesome reply.

“do you love me?”
simple, fast, gets it over with.

But what if the answer is no?

I'm gonna be the lone dissenter, but I would find it highly inappropriate if my T told me they loved me or that my feelings were reciprocated. From what I understand, that ain't exactly above board as far as what they are taught in school. Current CRM (not talk) therapist discussed her ethics exam with me recently (correlating to how inappropriate a former T of mine behaved) and I don't think "Yes, I would tell a client I love them" is an answer on the test...at least according to what she went over with me.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I know she'll want to talk about it, but I think I'm just going to straight out ask her. I usually give explanations, but I think that might distract from my real inquiry. I could ask her in general what her policy is on feelings for clients, but it's too vague.

Then the answer is no. I'll have to deal with that. She'll be honest with me. I trust her. She might not share her feelings with clients though. I'll have to deal with that too. But I think our relationship is strong enough to withstand any outcome. I always think the truth is worth whatever pain it might bring.

I find the idea a bit odd, to be honest. I do believe in a kind of a professional love, fondness or whatever you want to call it. If you feel that, enjoy. But to me love is something else and reserved to family, friends etc. I wouldn't find a T loving their clients very professional at all. And asking, although a client can ask anything, can put both in a bit silly place.

I don't find it silly at all. This is serious to me.

My long term t told me he loved me too. I don't see how you can work so closely with someone and not develop caring feelings for them.

I definitely believe in caring feelings and if an individual T wants to call it love, ok. But imo love is a strong feeling and word and asking if a professional loves client is a strange set up and possibly calls for dishonest answers or heartbreak with a needy client.

Completely agree. I would never ask or expect my therapist to love me; that's not his job, and it's an unfair thing to ask, imo. To me it's like an employer asking an employee if they're job hunting. By asking, they've put me in an awkward situation and forfeited their right to the truth.

If my therapist ever said he loved me I would run a mile. I only expect a therapist to be empathetic and care about my mental wellbeing. I have affection and a lot of respect for my therapist, and I suspect he would say the same about me. But love? That's for friends and family--and people who aren't getting paid to spend time with me.

If you feel like you need love from your therapist, I think it would be useful to ask him/her how you build relationships where you can receive the love you're craving--outside their office. Seeking love from someone you're paying strikes me as a dead end, imo.

I agree. Can a therapist be fond of a client? Care for them even? Sure I can believe that. But love? Love is a huge thing to be asking from a professional relationship. I love my parents and my girlfriend. And that's it. I like my friends, I don't love them. I don't think it's realistic to be asking for love in the context of a therapy. I fear, Scarlet, that your therapist will be put on the spot and not know how to respond. Or she will respond honestly and her answer will crush you (as you say yourself). Isn't it great already that she cares about you?

You also posted: "However, I know (and I think she knows) if she tells me she doesn't love me, it will devastate me. I will feel rejected. I will most likely have a breakdown, and it will set our relationship back.

It's weird though. As of right now, I'm okay if my T doesn't love me. What matters is that she cares. But I think hearing the words "I don't love you" will kill me (not literally)."

Just seems a bit like you are choosing to push a boundary knowing full well that you have a therapist with very professional boundaries who will most likely not answer your question, no matter what her feelings are about you. I wonder what you are trying to get out of this: I really don't think what you are trying to get is an answer. Are you trying to create a conflict here? Are you trying to create a crisis as some sort of "test"? It's "worth whatever pain it might bring": Are you trying to create pain?

I really think you need to figure out what you are really after here. For some reason this strikes me as self-destructive or therapy-destructive because I think you realize you are going to have a triggered response to whatever she ends up saying -- positive, negative, or neutral -- you'll end up in an internal crisis over this.

I'm kind of at an impasse. If I don't ask or at least talk to her about it, then I'm keeping something from her. We don't do that. Our relationship is built upon honesty. So this topic needs to be discussed. And I'm not going to bring this up in person because I don't want to catch her off guard. I want her to have time to think about where she wants to go with this.

Maybe you could bring the topic up in a more general context first. That way there is no pressure on her to answer you directly and it won't catch her off guard. For example mentioning something like you have read posts about people wanting to know their Ts feelings and it made you think more your wish to want to know them but you wonder how therapists deal with these kinds of requests as you know it can be tricky.. Or something along those lines. It will help you to gauge her reaction .

I agree that if this topic feels important to you then you should bring it up. On the other hand I don't think you should worry about catching her off guard. You are paying her to be your therapist and it is her job to make sure that nothing you say or ask (really, literally nothing) will catch her off guard. This is her job and you are paying her for that.

I asked "do you love me"
He said "love is a loaded and difficult word... Especially given your history. I care about you very much."