How do you ask your T if s/he loves you?

How did you find this response? Were u happy with it or devastated? To me this is a really nice response. I think I would be happy with something like this but it's hard to know unless it happened

Yes I was okay with it

My T used to tell me she loved me. But eventually, that just stopped. Months later, there was a time where I had something to share with her that I was scared to tell her. Terrified, actually. She knew I had something to share...and I was so close to telling her. But, in a moment of weakness, without thinking, I was looking for, I suppose, some reassurance. So I asked her if she loved me. She wouldn't answer, instead said that this word was reserved for her personal life. Later that day, I got an Email from her, where she said I was being manipulative and bullying her (because I asked her if she loved me). So...that's a sore subject for me. I certainly never considered asking that question as bullying her, but that's what she said....

Oh this sounds very harsh. I don't know how she saw it as bullying and very odd to send those thoughts in an email. Are u still with that t?

Maybe you could start out by saying, I want to ask you if you love me but I am terrified of the answer. I know if you say no or don't respond, I am going to be in a lot of pain, but I feel I have to know no matter what. I'm so sorry you are having to grapple with this painful question, and wish you the best of luck.

When I once told T that other people's Ts said they loved them, she said "I care for you very deeply but I reserve the word love for my close friends and family."

A few years later she suddenly signed an email "love T" and I asked her if that was a mistake. She said no, and we talked about therapy love. But I said love is love, and I know it's not romantic love. But she hadn't said the words to me.

Still later in therapy, she actually said, when we were talking about love, " I love you, rainbow". After so many years, how could I not? She said something I don't quite recall about most Ts coming to love their clients.

After wanting for so long to be loved by a T, I'm not sure about hearing the words. I think she still means " care very deeply for", which feels more genuine to me. But I like that she signs emails "Love, T" and I usually sign mine "love, rainbow". We DO have a special relationship, and love is part of it.

I know this might not be a popular opinion. If you are worried about if your T loves, that is an issue in itself. Instead of asking if your T loves your, tell your T that you are experiencing the need for love from this T. A healthy relationship in therapy is important, but it shouldn't really be about love. It's more about trust and the comfort of bring up traumatic and shameful truths to your T. A healthy relationship with a T doesn't mean a bond as with a partner or a parent. If one finds one is feeling this way, they should bring it up to the T. This is NOT because they are doing something wrong, but it is something that should be addressed at worked through for your own mental health.

I think this is a hard thing to ask, and a hard thing to know how to answer. If you are like me, you may not be sure what love is: I love ice cream. I love my daughter. I love my husband. I love my dad, I love my dog. But the feelings I have for those 5 are quite different.

Does love mean being willing to sacrifice for someone? Does it mean that you put their good above yours? That you are willing to go the extra mile for them? That you think about them alot? That you want to spend time with them?

If it were me, I probably would not ask; there are people who would say that they love me that do not (IMO) act loving toward me. So for me, regardless of the answer, it would probably be confusing.

If it were important for me to be honest about my feelings on this with T, I might say that I found myself wanting to know if T loved me. I doubt your T will be surprised to hear you say that.

I do NOT see my T as a parent or a partner, or anything like that. I don't have transference with her. I simply want to know if she loves me.

There are multiple types of love. I think I love everyone differently than the other. I love my mom differently than my dad, than my stepdad, than my younger sister, than my older sister, etc. And I love my family differently than I do my fiance, and him differently than my dogs. And I love my T different than all. For me, loving someone is based on our own unique relationship. But I'm not sure I can describe love. It's more than caring. I care about my hair stylist, but I don't love her. I wouldn't go out of my way to do things for her. I don't have a desire to be close to her. I don't worry about her either.

My T probably won't be too surprised. I've told her I love her. She knows ex-T basically said she loved me.

This actually came about because she brought up the topic of unconditional love with my family. I'm not really sure what unconditional love is. Like where do you draw a line? Can you unconditionally love a person from a distance? (I'm not expecting anyone to answer these questions). Somehow, wanting to know if T loves me got in my head.

How does your t respond to you when you tell her you love her?

But the question is why is that important to you? Why does it matter if she loves you or not? I'm certainly not here to put words in your mouth or mischaracterize you. I'm absolutely saying bring up what is going on emotionally with you. All that I am trying to bring up, is that the underlying desire of wanting, in itself, to know whether your T loves you or not could be the real issue that needs to brought up. I'm not saying you are crazy or bad or anything of the sort. Many people want seek from their T the same answer you do, but what I am saying that need is often due to some issue that needs to be addressed. Feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, etc.

I'm still don't know what to do! So many valid points. But I'm still determined to ask her. I'm just don't know how. I have about 5 hours to figure it out! That's when I'll email her. Part of me wants to go the direct route. Don't be vague or beat around the bush. Just be open and honest. But the other part of me wants to give her a warning that I have a personal question, and ask her if I can ask it. If she says yes, then she opened the "bag of worms"; not me. But that seems manipulative. And I could just ask her generally about love in a therapeutic relationship, but that's only half my curiosity, so I feel like I'd be lying by omission.

But no matter what, I will bring this up somehow. I'm stubborn and have it set in my mind.

I have been thinking more about how I would feel if she said she doesn't love me or if she doesn't talk about her feelings with her clients. I think if she says it right, it could be okay. She's laid down boundaries I didn't like before, and we're still good.

She said that it's normal to feel loving feelings towards a T. Not all clients do, but some do. The first time I told her, she thanked me for sharing my feelings.

Oh, well you got me on the abandonment part...lol. That is probably my biggest issue. And we are working on that. Honestly though, I don't know why I want to know. I know she cares about me. I know she goes above and beyond for me. Maybe I'm curious because of ex-T. That's still an issue for me too. Maybe because I don't know what it feels like to be loved? Loved by someone other than my fiance, dog, and family. I don't know.

And that is the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. Sure if you need to straight up ask your T if they love you, so be it. But it may be in your interest, to bring up all these things contributing to the importance of this need as well. Then again, I'm sure this is something that is an ongoing thing you're working on in therapy.

I found Madame T to be inscrutable, and I couldn't feel her love. She told me once but I needed to hear it again. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And gave up.

Asking her outright might have been a better option.

If a client asked me that I would be super uncomfortable. I think love is a very loaded word and has a lot of strings. Mind you I work with kids now not adults. I care very much for the kids I work with but you have to keep some separation with clients. Otherwise you get too attached and involved and you can't be effective anymore.

As for the therapists I have had myself and the one I have now, I did go through a time with one where I wanted that maternal love, where I needed unconditional love from somewhere. She obviously couldn't meet that need for me and it ended up being a sign I needed to move on and get a new T because I had stopped growing. The focus needs to be on me and my healing and not on my relationship or need for approval with my T.

So there are my two cents from both sides of the coin for what it's worth.

I'm not sure I "need" her to love me. I'm actually very content with our relationship. Seriously! I couldn't ask for anything more from her. Well, even though I know I wouldn't help me in the long run, I'd want more frequent sessions. But that's totally different. I don't need anymore touch than our hugs. I don't need any more out of session contact than I already have. I don't need anymore transitional objects. She listens to me, comforts me, reassures me, encourages me, processes with me, etc. She usually gives me her opinion when I ask for it. There's some personal things I want to know (5 things) but we're just starting those topics.

I just want to know if she loves me...

I don't know what kind of work you are doing with those kids but I think your answer tells you where you still have to do your own work. Your discomfort stems from yourself and is not the problem of the person who asks. Keeping boundaries is not the same as feeling discomfort when clients ask loaded questions. The more comfortable you are with your own feelings the more comfortable you can be with others feelings and the more effective you can be for your clients.

I'm very interested in what other people are going to say. For my ex-t, I found myself really wanting to know the same thing. There was nothing that I wanted more than to know that she loved me, that I was special, etc.

I actually didn't have to ask that t. I had a friend that I met here on PC ask me if my T loved me. During a session, I mentioned to my t that I was really stressed out about something that someone had asked me. My t was a mind reader and said, "did she ask you if I loved you?" I was dumbstruck. I said that was the question and my t said, "I care DEEPLY about you. You are a very special, unique person and I believe that you are going to do great things in your life. I am privileged to be part of your journey".

I guess my point is, I think that therapists get asked that question by their patients more often than we might think. It's only reasonable that due to the intimate relationship that therapy creates between therapist and client, the question of love arises. I think that some therapists will be more comfortable admitting their feelings than others. But I think in general, therapists will try to be honest (and perhaps use terms more like my therapist - where she didn't explicitly say that she loved me but still let her feelings towards me be known). And I think that there is definitely a way to discuss feelings of love in therapy in a way that still is appropriate and adheres to proper therapeutic boundaries.

For your specific situation, I think that you have a lot of good insight about what you can and can't emotionally handle. I think however, that your therapist will be more than happy to discuss the feelings of love within the therapeutic relationship and if anything, will want to explore those with you. I think email was a good way to approach this topic so that in case your therapist needs time to think about how she is going to discuss this with you, she has that time.

I hope you get the answers that you want!

Here's what I wrote (and sent):

Well done

Scarlet, firstly, good on you for sending the email!
Secondly, regardless of how your t responds, if you were in your T's position would YOU love you?
I mean if you were actually your T, that is an outsider to you, with the history of all you have discussed and experienced and been through together there in that room.... would you feel love for or towards the ScarletPimpernel that wants to know the answer?

I'm proud of you for sending that!