[Anastasia~]

I am having anxiety for reasons that I can't yet explain in therapy. I talked to my T about it and he said maybe once I stop focusing on it, that the reason will come to me.

I feel like I have figured another piece of the puzzle out although I don't know if it has anything to do with my anxiety in therapy sessions.

I know that I am getting better, which is triggering me. I still feel the dependent part and my independent part is getting stronger. When I know and feel I am getting stronger, I still feel needy, so I'm kind of triggering myself if that makes sense.

T asks me what I can do to tolerate these things myself. This is a logical thing to ask, and it appears if I could find things that help me, that this advice would be helpful. Of course, there's always the implicit message in the question, that means, you need to figure out ways to tolerate this yourself.

Herein is my problem. When I am having abandonment/rejection fears, it only takes T two sentences to text me to make me feel better. In spite of this, I do not feel entitled, I do not feel that T owes me anything, in fact, I feel gratitude for what he does do. But the difference between T texting me and me dealing with it on my own is stark. T makes me feel better, it is such a relief. When I have to deal with my abandonment/rejection fears, there is nothing I can say to myself to make it go away. All I can do is desperately try to tolerate the ungodly pain, and even though T isn't pushing me to do this, I seem to be pushing myself. T knows this. Here is a feeling I have that I do not tell anyone about and that I am absolutely NOT proud of. I almost feel resentful that T isn't saying to me, why are you doing this yourself and putting yourself in agony when I can so easily relieve the pain for you? When I have dealt with my own pain before, T will sometimes ask me if I am proud of myself. The answer is no, I'm angry that I have to do this. This is really embarrassing and I feel ashamed that I feel this way. Intellectually, in NO way do I hold T responsible for my own stuff. But I think these feelings that I have must come from back long ago when I was dealing with the relational trauma. This was when, although probably unintentional, who I was was being invalidated by my parents. I wonder if I felt angry about feeling so horrible back then and that is what I am dealing with now? I think I have to somehow make it through this by just accepting my anger and concurrently dealing with my pain. I don't want to inflict anyone with my neediness, I definitely don't want to be a burden. So how can I feel so entitled, I despise it, it's not who I am. But I also believe that my anger comes from the pain of wanting someone to care, wanting someone to help relieve my fears, and that makes me feel sad for myself. And maybe if I am in pain when T is out of town not this week but next, maybe I will be able to have compassion for myself. So this thing of getting better is more than just overcoming one thing, it seems to be loaded with issue after issue that seems to compound the problem and bring up shame. To be honest, I am afraid that others are going to judge me like I am judging myself. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be this way, I want to be a respectable person but wonder if it is even possible. Does anyone else struggle with this?

[Shazerac]

I don't hear any sense of entitlement in this description of your feelings. It is very common to feel worthless or not good enough to deserve help when we have been traumatized. It's part of the package and it sucks big time.

It may be a good thing that you are feeling anger. Feeling righteous anger in the face of mistreatment can be a healing process although it feels really bad at the time.

[Anastasia~]

Shazerac,
Thank you for your reply. I think this anger is a part of what is making things so difficult. It is like I get so hurt when I feel abandoned/hurt and to add on it, I get angry at myself for being so petulant and selfish because I want others to fix it so I'm not in pain. I know I can talk to T about this and will, but it's kind of a downer to have to tell someone who is so helpful this information. And then I start questioning if this is only one of my thoughts that I am trying to fit into a problem, and that it really isn't real at all. I have so many invalidating layers it seems and I can't seem to find my way out. It's like I'm in a labyrinth and I'm trying to find my way out but can't figure out which pathways are valid and which ones will lead me nowhere. I feel like I am never going to find the end. And THEN, what is waiting for me at the finish line?

[here today]

From what you have written, it seems like you and I are very different. But I know my angry (child) self very well and, yes, angry, entitled and at the same time "I don't need anyone!" are attitudes that I can recognize from that "place" or state in me. I don't feel embarrassed about it anymore -- not sure why. I suspect that I would have been shamed for it when I was in that state when I was a child, so a shame reaction linked to feeling that way is understandable. But at the same time I delighted in my "feeling" of power. No, maybe not much real power in that state but it felt like there was. And if the real power to make you feel better lies in the T, not you, I can understand why you might feel resentful.

I don't know if things work that way for you or not, but whatever it is, I do not think you need to feel embarrassed for a feeling -- or even an impulse. They just are what they are.

The shame feeling is probably the culprit, as we have heard a lot about in recent years. Not that shame isn't a useful emotion, in some circumstances, but I think a lot of us got a lot of it dumped on us as a child-control method by people who had had it used on them and didn't know any better. Very sad, as you said.

Unfortunately, you probably aren't going to know who "you" are until you ARE you, which just means one step in front of the other until you're there. Fortunately it sounds like you have a good T to help and stand by you, even as frustrating as it is for you. I definitely understand about the labyrinth, too.

Hope things get better soon!

It sounds like massive guilt. Maybe that's something you can read up on then discuss with him.

Glad to hear you are getting stronger.

Just read your 2nd post. I personally don't think there is a finish line. I don't think these issues go away, but there power over you gets smaller. And we learn to accept them more, and dealing with the emotions can eventually allow ourselves to push them aside more often so that we can focus on living life.

*I'm not there yet, but this is a belief I have after discussing with Ts who have had a huge amount of emotions struggles and who been through their own therapy. Yet, they had 10 times the sessions I had and will never have as I could never afford it.

[Anastasia~]

Here Today,
Thank you for your reply. I am not really able to make too much sense of all of this now. But what you said about me feeling like the power is within T and not within me is absolutely true. I mean this, thanks for reminding me. I had figured this out when I decided to stop texting T. I knew if I kept on doing so, that I would just feel less powerful. It's like I forgot that.

It is just so demoralizing to be in so much pain and feel like nothing works. Why T works but I cant, I can't figure it out, who knows? As much as I seem angry at T, I am fully aware that this is my stuff, and I am fully aware that I have a wonderful T. I can't figure out why I can't do this myself. When T texts me, I feel massive relief, when I deal with myself, I can't soothe myself, and then mix in the anger I feel at having to do this alone (actually, this now is my choice), but I just can't seem to process it all. I am angry and feel incompetent in being me. Why is it so painful? What about this makes it feel traumatic? It's hard to feel anger at others and compassion for myself, why, I have no idea? I feel my anger is not justified at this point. I think that I also feel power in anger, but compassion feels nonprotective. I can only describe how I feel, because I don't understand it. I"m trying not to add shame to the mix and trying to accept me as I am in stead of getting ungodly frustrated.

You're right, I am not going to know who I am until I get there. I think I am more in touch with my anger than I have been before. I am trying to do what is best for me, and yet I still need T. It's a dichotomy that feels like it is going to destroy me but i know it won't.

I know this is the path to enlightenment but I am struggling in getting through. I am struggling with my layers of judgement upon myself. And don't know how not to.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

It sounds like massive guilt. Maybe that's something you can read up on then discuss with him.

Glad to hear you are getting stronger.

I can't rule out anything as far as how I feel. I will read up on guilt, thank you!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

I was listening to a podcast featuring a cancer survivor, and she described parts of her journey as crossing a rope bridge. It really resonated as a way of facing mighty life challenges, the way she described it: When you're crossing the bridge, you're just focusing on getting one foot in front of the other and gripping the sides to keep from falling off. It's not until you get across the bridge and look back that you can even begin to get a sense of your journey and place it in context.

That's what came to my mind as I was reading your post. Your bridge is bucking and swaying and you keep on going. Hang on. You've got this.

[Anastasia~]

WarmFuzzySocks,
The rope bridge makes a lot of sense. It's good to hear that one day all of this will make sense because now it is just frightening. Thank you so much for your reply.

I appreciate everyone's help and input. I know that this is a part of my journey, and I think I am making progress. It helps so much not to feel alone.

[mostlylurking]

Sometimes it helps to separate out the different parts of ourselves, because they can have very different emotions. For instance, you may have a very young part who wants loads of care, kindness, and reassurance from your T. That's not shameful or childish, it simply reflects unmet needs from some time in your childhood. It's not your fault your needs weren't met, nor that as a result you're still carrying these feelings. And it's a good thing it's coming out in therapy. Nothing to be hard on yourself about.

Meanwhile you also have the adult, independent part who wants to go it alone, to not rely on the T as much, and which stops you from texting T. As this part gets stronger and you get more independent -- which from the adult part's perspective is a good thing -- the child part feels T getting farther away and feels angry and distressed.

I think the child part needs absolute acceptance and validation, because in my experience you can't ever just shove feelings under the rug. They need to be accepted in order to eventually quieten.

[Anastasia~]

Mostlylurking,
T also tells me I need to treat myself with compassion, but it is difficult to summon compassion when I am simultaneously dealing with the younger part that needs reassurance and dealing with anger from my independent part. I do know that I need to give myself validation and acceptance. I think it has been helpful for people to remind me of this although my T tells me this all the time, because when I am in the middle of the two separate parts, my goal is to try to make it through the "episode". It's like it is all-consuming. However, I seem to learn something new each time I go through the episodes, so maybe next time I can at least try to reassure myself, validate myself, and treat myself with compassion. T is able to do this for me, but at this point, I am not for some reason? It really helped me understand the process when you said that my child part was feeling further from T and was upset and distressed. This feels like exactly what is going on. I appreciate your reply

[Anastasia~]

I am feeling depressed and down today. I am dreading next week because after my session tomorrow, T won't be here until the next session. I have no idea how I am going to react. I can't help being me. I can't help how I feel. I can't help feeling dependent, I can't help feeling angry (although I don't feel angry now). I wonder what my course through this will be like, and am afraid of it. This is painful.

[mostlylurking]

When you say he won't be here, is he going on vacation, or to a professional conference, or do you know? Sometimes my T is truly away -- like when he camped and had zero phone signal -- but often he is still on email or will even say that in a crisis we could do a phone session. I usually don't take him up on it, but the offer makes me feel better.

Could you tell him that you're having strong feelings from a very young part of you, and you need to just vent them, and to take it all with a grain of salt because it's coming from that childhood part?

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

When you say he won't be here, is he going on vacation, or to a professional conference, or do you know? Sometimes my T is truly away -- like when he camped and had zero phone signal -- but often he is still on email or will even say that in a crisis we could do a phone session. I usually don't take him up on it, but the offer makes me feel better.

Could you tell him that you're having strong feelings from a very young part of you, and you need to just vent them, and to take it all with a grain of salt because it's coming from that childhood part?

Mostlylurking,
I'm not sure where he is going. My T always lets me text him and he always responds empathically, so I have no worries about him. He always validates that part of me and assures me it is okay to feel that way. I, on the other hand, was unsuccessful last seige at calming myself down. This is concerning to me. I am not in control of me, the best I can hope for is to make it through no matter how painful it is. And this is quite scary. I know I will make it through, but knowing how painful it is causes me to have massive anticipatory anxiety. I bought a book a few weeks ago and plan to read that. I plan to take a long drive. I plan on posting here. Thank you.