Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

Sooo... there's a CPD event next Saturday that I really want to go to. It's on erotic transference.

It has occurred to me though that T1 could possibly be going. The thought of seeing him there is obviously completely horrifying. So... I'm thinking I should email him and ask if he's going, just in case... but... the thought of emailing him... argh.

Sorry I missed this, Lost. I hope everything went okay.

(((NP)))
The new normal will take a while to adjust to. But you are so strong. I know you can do it.

Today was the day that I could take my pregnancy test for the month. Negative again. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday, and he'll be referring me to a specialist. Sigh.

I don't want to try anymore. I want too give up.

Hugs, Daisy. Was this the first day you could really test though? If so, you might want to check again in a couple days. I had several negative ones on days when I should have been able to test, then a positive one a few days later.

I'm really, really upset, to the point of crying, about something that probably shouldn't bother me so much. The person who put my clothes dryer back didn't hook up the vent hose. I had to wash some clothes last night and now there's dryer lint all over the place. I'm so frustrated. The washer and dryer are in the bathroom and there's barely enough room to navigate in there as is. They are full size machines that are stacked so the only way to fix this is to drag them both out of the hole they are in and they are pretty heavy. The bathroom door has to be shut to do this. Then I have to somehow get behind the machines to hook up the hose. This would be the perfect task to get some help with from a partner. But I don't have one anymore. Where is this new, awesome life I'm supposed to have now that my abuser and pyromaniac is in jail?

How likely is it that he would actually be there? Does he do a lot of continuing education? How small is the therapy world there? And maybe most importantly, is your anxiety maybe coming up as a way to give you an excuse to have contact with him? Because I have absolutely done that before...

I would call the company who did the job and pitch a fit and demand they send someone to fix it, pronto. Also your insurance company, who hired them, iirc, and let them know about the shoddy service—with some furniture too, I think.

Seconded. You shouldn't have to fix it yourself.

Agree here too!! You should not have to fix this yourself, NP.

Thanks, Manatee. Good questions to consider...

I don't know how much CPD he attends. I don't think it's especially likely that he'll be there - although, he has recently worked with a client who had erotic transference (me) and might therefore be interested. And the therapy world here is very small.

I don't think it's an excuse to contact him - though I understand that being something to consider, obviously. Actually, I feel extremely anxious at the thought of contacting him about this and my instinct is not to do it. But the CPD costs a lot of money and I would absolutely have to leave if he was there and that would be terrible. It does seem a shame to take that risk...

I don't know what to do, I think I'm a disappointment for the therapist if I don't get better. My T talked about finding creative ways so I can express myself but I suck at everything. I can only make stupid doodles (like lines, and so on). I can write but I'm too tired to write. I like dancing but there is no point in doing things by myself. I'm feeling in a low mood again and I dont even know why. I'm afraid I'll go to therapy next week and then what...I'll talk but without finding a solution.

I had this weird experience in which my insurance company switched to listing T's home address. I don't like conflict, so I thought about saying nothing; but then I thought what if someone went to his house where he has little kids etc. In the process of giving him my claim to show the insurance company, I suddenly realized hoe MUCH I pay this person, and how at times there will be a 25 dollar surcharge but I don't know why. I looked at it like paying tuition, but it is dawning on me how much I worry about pleasing this person and being a good patient when I actually pay him 2x a week. I guess I have been blocking that out to make it seem nicer, or like he cares about me as a project if not a person. Seeing all those claims online for a year in a list was like the ice bucket challenge or at least a bucket of cold water - ummm this person sees himself as my doctor for fifty minutes and not all the personal things I wish at times. I wonder what the codes mean under "remarks" ?

Oh, it's fine to comment on them! I don't feel attacked or anything--if it became that way, I'd say something.

Yeah, I've become aware that a big part of the issue with him is that he's bad at keeping consistent boundaries. (Like the blurring between couples and individual therapy, sometimes enforcing that boundary, and sometimes not, allowing me individual outside contact, etc.) And that has definitely contributed to the transference/attachment, as well as some of the issues in our relationship. I don't know that he understands the effect that his extensive self-disclosure has had on me--and likely other clients as well. It sort of gives a false sense of connection in a way...and then if he's suddenly secretive about something, that can be hard to deal with in a way that it wouldn't be for a T who generally isn't so open.

He did immediately forgive me for the first time I Googled him and figured out his wife's name and found her Facebook page (pretty locked down). That took a lot more detective work than when a couple months later, I typed her in her name into Google and had the obituary come up as the top result... It had seemed pretty obvious something bad was going on. And MC stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks afterward--did he think I wouldn't notice that?

T1 seemed upset that I'd Googled her at all (though she apparently had a past stalker). T2 was very nonchalant when I told him I'd Googled him before our first appointment. He said he expected it. And how he'd Googled the person who cut down his trees. I think that's a more realistic perspective on client Googling.

As for your last point, I've noted to MC that he both spells and defines "HIPAA" incorrectly in his e-mail signature, but he hasn't changed it... I haven't even bothered bringing up the grammatical errors in his profile on the practice's website...

The codes are probably CPT billing codes for psychotherapy

I don't know what to do, I think I'm a disappointment for the therapist if I don't get better. My T talked about finding creative ways so I can express myself but I suck at everything. I can only make stupid doodles (like lines, and so on). I can write but I'm too tired to write. I like dancing but there is no point in doing things by myself. I'm feeling in a low mood again and I dont even know why. I'm afraid I'll go to therapy next week and then what...I'll talk but without finding a solution.

It is HIPAA.. A lot of people think it's HIPPA

I think of it like this: a doctor doesn’t get to be disappointed in a patient because they don’t respond to treatment and get worse or die, so why should a therapist have the right to be disappointed in a client?

If anything it is the other way around.

I won't get to see my T this week. He said he's reduced his hours. I got scheduled at work so can't see him at 1 on Wednesday. Oh welll

.... I realize now that I was basically treading water with T1, while T2 is trying to help me swim. (Wow, that sounded much cheesier after typing it out than in my head...)

That's a really good point, and I hadn't thought about it that way. I've felt like T1 has been disappointed in me before--like that I still have anxiety, OCD, and off-and-on depression issues after 6 years with her. But, I mean, isn't that just as much about her as me? I feel like I've figured out more stuff with T2 in the past 2 months than I did with her in the past year or so...Granted, part of that is getting a new, outside perspective, but still. I realize now that I was basically treading water with T1, while T2 is trying to help me swim. (Wow, that sounded much cheesier after typing it out than in my head...)

Aw, I'm sorry. Is it just a temporary thing because of the baby? Can you schedule ahead for the following week?