Wanting to choke myself!--Not literally

I wrote a communication to my T this last week and now that my appointment is approaching I am worrying about how I am going to explain it without really talking about it. Does anyone else go through this routine? It was a quick handwritten note that I wrote in the pre-dawn hours after a therapy session. 3 AM seems to be the only time I can actually connect with some raw emotions- so I put a comment about what I was experiencing on paper and sent it to her. I have avoided making contact with her outside of our scheduled appointment times mainly because I felt like a needy freak when I did it once early on. I also don’t like adding more evidence of mental problems to my medical chart. It still bugs me today that my original letter is in my chart somewhere.
The last time I wrote she waited until my next appointment and pulled the letter out for discussion. She said it was OK for me to write but didn’t encourage me to do it. When I wrote this last note it was the day after a session in which I tried to explain a feeling I was experiencing without explicitly discussing what triggers the feeling. I have kinda figured out one of the triggers for my depression, the problem is I’m not sure why it triggers intense feelings and I definitely can’t seem to stop the feelings from messing me up for several days afterwards. I know I am really stupid— That is what therapy is fricking for you ***! I’m just not yet comfortable with some topics and I am still having great difficulty admitting that some things really bother me. What is bothering me today is—Why, if I really don’t want to (or refuse to) talk about stuff in therapy, do I write encrypted messages to my T after the fact? This is such a childish act and it really makes me mad that I do it. If I would just open my mouth during the session my problems would likely be solved and I would likely be done with therapy by now. I am I insisting on making things so difficult. WHY???

Hi McKell,

I was just talking about this today! Sometimes we process information after the fact. It's perfectly normal. Often I call T and just leave a message that he doesn't have to return and I let him know that.

Once I was totally po'd at him and I wrote a four page handwritten letter and mailed it! I was so embarrassed because by the time my session rolled around I had calmed down quite a bit. But he did bring up the letter and asked if he could respond. We talked about it and it was okay, even though I felt like a bit of a jerk by then! He made me feel okay about it.

Don't worry, I'm sure T will be receptive especially if she said it was okay to write. Why not just allow yourself that you needed to jot down those notes and send them? Don't beat yourself up, you just need to communicate with T and keep the connection alive.

(((mckell))) I can feel your turmoil! Yes, many, many patients do this. No, there's no reason to be beating yourself up over it.

I think you really do want to discuss things in therapy and for some common reason you aren't able to -- yet. I'm glad you sent that note, and that you realized that what you felt was important. It's good for discussion in session, if you can brace yourself to do so.

You could print off what you just typed here, and also give it to the T, if you can't read it to T. Any information you can give your T to go on, to realize what confliction you have, will help your T help you, imo.

It takes time to build a trusting relationship with a T. Even once you feel you have one, there can still be topics that are hesistant for you, and you might find yourself "testing" the trustworthiness of the T once again.

Stick with the process. They don't call therapy work for nothing.



And, yes, you can tell the T you aren't able to discuss it in person.

Thanks sister,
I guess I just think I pay for an hour of her time once every two weeks, if I'm a block head and don' t use it it is my own fault. I don't deserve to get to the bottom of my issues if I am not willing to disclose them.

Sometimes it is tough for me to talk with my pdoc. I get nervous and then my mouth and brain just seem to quit working. Please don't get too upset about this--you are in therapy because of things like this. Besides, therapists are accustom to dealing with these issues--its part of what they do. Maybe, the next time, you could write the letter and then take it with you for your next session. That might help start the conversation.

McKell,

Maybe you're not a blockhead but just blocked?

As sky said, it takes time to build a trusting relationship. Allow yourself the time to feel safe and secure in T's presence. It's only when you feel really, really safe that you can begin to disclose those things that are deep in your heart. It took me a really long time to begin to feel safe with T. I mean I have been with him a little over a year and now I feel close but yikes there were times over this year when I couldn't say a word!

Peace

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
the problem is I’m not sure why it triggers intense feelings and I definitely can’t seem to stop the feelings from messing me up for several days afterwards. I know I am really stupid— That is what therapy is fricking for you ***! I’m just not yet comfortable with some topics and I am still having great difficulty admitting that some things really bother me. What is bothering me today is—Why, if I really don’t want to (or refuse to) talk about stuff in therapy, do I write encrypted messages to my T after the fact? This is such a childish act and it really makes me mad that I do it. If I would just open my mouth during the session my problems would likely be solved and I would likely be done with therapy by now. I am I insisting on making things so difficult. WHY???

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The aftermath of a session is really hard. Sometimes I'm falling apart already as I'm getting into the car.

I am also very hard on myself like you are, about how hard it is, my after session meltdowns, feeling needy (but wanting it too), and unable to express myself in session.

I hope you'll talk to your T about all that you posted here. Remember she's there to help you figure out the "why" part of the triggering that happens, and many times it's more than one "why".

Be kind to you and let therapy happen, without judging it. Just let it happen.

As my T tells me when I'm frustrated and criticiizing myself, judging me and therapy too... "You're right where you need to be at this time."

So, go and let it happen. There's a good reason you wrote that letter: you needed to get out what came out in your letter. Now that it's out you might be feeling scared and that would be understandable. Let her be there for you and help you explore what you expressed in your letter.

Thank you all. Can ya tell my T appointment is approaching and I am panic mode? For some reason therapy the last few sessions has been a double edges sword. I want to go, but I don’t want to go. I’m afraid to go, but afraid not to go. It is an internal battle between logic and emotion. The logical me is saying, “Stop being a baby, go get your problems taken care of and be done with it, you will be a lot happier in the long run. While the emotional me is saying “No, it’s too hard, you really don’t want to know what’s under the surface, you’re going to create more problems than you had initially, your only making yourself more miserable focusing on things.” Unfortunately, the emotional me is really throwing up some hard to navigate road blocks in my healing process and although they have no real basis they still really rattle me. Thanks for supporting me, I think I would have stopped going to therapy a while ago without you all on PC.

(((Mckell))) Make sure that you don't go too fast with the therapy. Once you find a suitable pace, you won't have so many fears about going and talking and working on yourself, imo.