[lauren_helene]

I wonder for those who have had very profound moments of awareness in therapy where you cry and feel out of control.

What behaviors (negative) follows such an awareness? I thought we have awareness and then we are better....I couldn't be farther from it right this moment.

I am trying to analyze this while feeling this way which is probably the wrong thing to do.

I see T Wednesday...will it ever get here?

Awareness can be really scary. It can go both ways-- it can enhance the connection while at the same time making us say, "Oh %#@&#!!" and then we go downhill a bit. It has happened to me. Also with me, sometimes awareness means identifying the steps I have to take to get better in some aspect-- that is scary as well so sometimes I slide backwards. Sometimes not knowing is bad but things are somewhat even-- whatever happens to cause the awareness can rock the boat, stir up the emotions. Plus, you said that your moment of profound awareness came along with crying and feeling out of control-- so it sounds as though this was not an easy awareness for you to reach. Take it easy on yourself (easier said than done, I know) because you are on your way. For example, today I became aware that I exhibited a negative patterns in regards to telling T not to call me and then expecting him to call.... so I'm totally aware of it but I feel awful and disconnected and have no idea where to go from here... so there are steps... you will get there.

[sunrise]

Hi almedafan. Sorry you are not feeling as great as you might have predicted right now, given your wonderful last session.

I can have varying reactions to such times of awareness and closeness in therapy.
--afterwards I may feel even closer to my T, and the next session feels so great. We are really close.
--I can feel so "up" after a great session, especially this happened with the EMDR ones, that I felt almost manic. But this mood didn't maintain, and after 3,4,5 days or so, I would come crashing down. I could feel the crash coming and hated knowing it would be here soon. Sometimes I would try to hold it off with alcohol.
--the next session can also be just blah. It can be hard to maintain the intensity of peak sessions. I am learning it is OK to have those milder, less connected times together.

I think also it is one thing to have awareness (the first step) and another thing to act on our awareness and change our negative patterns of behavior. So it can be even more frustrating and disappointing when you know something you are doing is destructive and self-defeating, but yet you can't stop yourself.

So the short answer is, how I react to those peak sessions can really vary a lot.

Good luck. Hang in there until Wednesday.

[Mouse_]

I find for a short while I try to get back into the problem where the awareness has just come from. Almost like the cat in the flintsones that is thrown out the door and gets back in through the window. But I realise after a very short time that that behaviour/thought doesn't exist in real time any more and I kinda of just settle down into a new place. A feeling of peace hits me. UNTIL the NEXT ISSUE arrises, but then I have the added hindsight of change and know now that it is happening and will happen. Have you ever run cold hands under a tepid tap? Only for it to feel like it burns? then once you dry off your hands feel back to life again and comfy?

[Perna]

Analyzing things during the week before the next therapy session use to drive me bonkers because I'd get "ahead" of my T and into thoughts and it would get to be more than I could talk about/explain. But then in session we'd talk and it would be "different" from my thinking by myself and much better. I guess the analyzing thing between sessions helped me prepare for the upcoming session but I liked it much better once I could "contain" everything within a session and didn't need all the analysis and angst between sessions.

[lauren_helene]

You all make great points!! I have so many emotions tugging at me this week.

I agree that awareness and then change in behavior is the key link, I'm not there yet...apparently.

It was a difficult awareness because it is facing the transference with T and what it means IRL and more conversation needs to be had to resolve it I think.

I didn't go far enough, I freaked and then the pain from it was so bad that I ran from it...

Pink, I need to have the conversation with my T that you are having with yours...I can keep pushing it aside or I can deal with it. my behaviors won't stop I don't think until I address it.

So, what should my opening line be about this erotic transference? You come up with some funny ones so you pick it...

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almeda24fan said:

Pink, I need to have the conversation with my T that you are having with yours...I can keep pushing it aside or I can deal with it. my behaviors won't stop I don't think until I address it.

So, what should my opening line be about this erotic transference? You come up with some funny ones so you pick it...

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"Hi, I wanna %#@&amp;#! you" always goes over big.

Then there's the ever-popular and fabulously less direct, "Gee, I feel like if we talk about sex it might transfer into this relationship and gosh-- I wouldn't want you to feel like I think about you in that way." (Bonus translation that T probably already knows: Of course I think about you that way every second.)

[Flowerb]

One way to bring it up is in the context of dreams. Do you have dreams (awake or asleep) about having sex with your therapist? If so, telling about the dreams allows it to stay in a sort of "not real" world but still getting to what needs to be said.

I've had these conversations with my T and he is so totally fine and calm - sometimes I want to be really provocative just to get a rise out of him. (no pun intended.) Not that I'd do anything - but just to get him to react. I tell him that too, and he interprets this as me trying to wreck the relationship -- kind of a "get him before he gets me" deal. He seems thrilled that I feel safe enough to have these feelings.

And when I express my embarrassment and confusion and how completely like a cliche I feel, he gets very gentle and says that this does not happen nearly as often as I think it does in therapy and it takes a great deal of courage to talk about it. He said it is a sign of how deeply connected we are. I'm not saying this as good as he says it -- he just has this way of honoring all my feelings for him so it feels better to talk about them instead of avoid them.

From what I've read here, your T will do the same for you. So take a deep breath -- and just say it!

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Flowerb said:
sometimes I want to be really provocative just to get a rise out of him. (no pun intended.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That was great, lol.

Damn, Flowerb, we have to talk. Sounds you are right at where I'd like to be in regards to discussing this w/ my therapist. I've started, but I haven't gotten past the word "sex." Well, at least I started.

[sunrise]

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Flowerb said:
One way to bring it up is in the context of dreams.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
This would be my approach too. There have been times when I brought up "relationship issues" between my T and me using my dreams about him. This was a safe and non-threatening way to broach these topics.

Let us know what you decide!

See, that's actually worse for me. It's like, "Hey... not only do I wanna jump on you right now, but by the way-- I dream about it, too!" I see what you mean about it though-- almost like if it's in the context of a dream then you had no control over it-- but for me it's sort of scarier... erotic transference sucks. Who invented it? hahaha

[Flowerb]

Worse dream I ever had about my T that I shared was about watching him with his partner having sex. She was on top...

We talked about all parts of the dream including the part of me that wanted to think of him as an asexual being - like all good parents should be. He said, "but I'm not - is that scary?" (can you say YES!!!)

Many times my thoughts about sex are more about wishes that he could teach me to like it - that it doesn't have to hurt and not all men are abusive. He says he wants to help me with that and he will - but not in a concrete way.

Has your T ever asked you if you masterbate? Now THERE is a session stopper!

[lauren_helene]

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Flowerb said:
Many times my thoughts about sex are more about wishes that he could teach me to like it - that it doesn't have to hurt and not all men are abusive.

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I totally agree with this above statement. Now, how do I say that tonight without choking?

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Flowerb said:
Has your T ever asked you if you masterbate? Now THERE is a session stopper!

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I don't think he's asked this but he did ask about fantasies a long time ago...hasn't done that since the ole transference train started...hee hee!

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Flowerb said:

Has your T ever asked you if you masterbate?

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I think my T knows that if he ever said something like that, one of us would be goin' out the window.

He helps me along, but leaves it up to me to fully bring up the embarrassing stuff when I'm comfortable.

[sunrise]

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Flowerb said:
Has your T ever asked you if you masterbate?

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Mine never has. If he did, I would ask him "why do you want to know?" I actually can't see how it would help our therapy for him to know my sexual habits. But if he had a good reason, I might answer. Or I might just say, "none of your business," if I didn't like his answer. The client needs to set boundaries too about what topics are off limits.

[Flowerb]

Just to be clear - the question came up when I was worrying about never learning to like sex. It wasn't inappropriate curiosity - it was more like, "well, can you figure out what you like when you are on your own, etc." So the topic was not off limits - it is very much something I want to work on. He lets me lead the discussions but he asks questions that make me think, even if they are embarrassing questions sometimes.

[Perna]

One of the things that was "comforting" to me when I was seeing a male T was that I was attracted to him so, by default, I could be attracted to other men. Masturbation and other physical signs told me I was physically "whole"/built right LOL so the rest just had to be mental. That made me feel a whole lot better about myself because I could approach it like it was a lesson I had to learn and I feel like I can pretty much learn anything. I enjoy and am good at therapy and "growing" so there's no reason I couldn't do well at "that"/the sexual lesson, it would just take the right opportunities and they would probably come along (and did :-) when I was "ready".

I figured all that out as I was crying myself to sleep one night because I had been at a boy "friend's" house and we were sleeping in the same bed but I couldn't deal with that, just sleeping in a bed with any other person, male or female, and had to get up and leave at 2:30-3:00 in the morning or whatever it was. I felt totally defeated wondering how it would ever be possible to get married if I couldn't even sleep in the same bed with anyone? But figuring out that I wasn't "flawed" it was just a learning/experience/emotional problem thing (outside "Myself") not unlike other things I was doing in therapy gave me new hope.