blah

i feel blah. t is back at work now, i guess. we don't have an appointment until friday, though. i feel quite... blah. maybe a little 'i don't care i don't need you anyway'. feel... frustrated that he takes time off. frustrated with him. a little indignant. i'm not some toy you can take out and play with whenever you feel like and just walk away from whenever you feel like. except of course that i am. sigh. grumpy with you mr t.

i'm fragile. so fragile. he doesn't know how fragile i am. hes not allowed to push me 'cause i push myself. stoppit i say, you are hurting me.

so i shove him a little as he is walking away already. take that mr t... and now he is planning on walzing back on in and he will expect me to just be delighted he is back and pick up with the same level of intimacy we had before. don't think so mr t. i can shove you away from the front, too.

:-(

not happy.

blah.

{{AK}}

((((((((( Alex ))))))))))

I don't need to tell you that taking time off makes it possible for him to keep on doing what he does, because I'm sure that you understand that intellectually. It's still scary and annoying that we need them so much and they can just put us aside and go live their own lives without us.

You've got us though. We're available (at least someone is) whenever, and we care about you too.

((((alex))))
Isn't he the one who was worried about time limitations?

it is unfair that we hang on their thread. what hurt me was not being in on his first day back... "YOU are not so important"

two can play that game right? not trying to offend.. i agree whole heartedly with you. i want to shove, push, fight back.

what will you say to him? Will you tell him that this is how you feel? Have you told him in the past?

(( alex ))

but then, when you do see him again, actually lay eyes on him and see that he's really there... will you feel better do you think?

Sometimes it seems like the ball is never in our court. Sometimes we grab it for a little bit, but it never seems to stay long... I hope your session on Friday resolves some of what you are feeling.

In our last session I talked to him about one of the past therapists that I had. I remember that I expressed anger at her.

I sent him an email. I said that in our last session I expressed anger at her, but I thought that really I was feeling anger towards him.

(Part of that is about how understanding he would be at my feeling anger at her. If he was okay with that then maybe it would be safe for me to feel anger at him. If he wasn't okay with me expressing anger at her then I guess it wouldn't be okay for me to express anger with him).

He... Didn't see how my expressing anger at her was relevant, I guess.

I said in the email that sometimes I might be defending / avoiding. That I'm not so good at expressing how I feel sometimes - because sometimes I don't know how I feel. But that sometimes I wasn't so good at expressing how I feel because I'm so very fragile... I think I'm much more fragile than he appreciates... That I need to be able to function.

He emailed me back last night. Some brief comment on how it is important for me to be able to function - how it is necessary, in fact.

I think I said in the email that it doesn't matter how much time we do or do not have to work together - I need to be able to function.

I really think that sometimes... He has his own view on what 'progressive' therapy consists in and what constitues 'avoidance' . What he fails to get... Is how much I'm trying to disclose (that is hard for me) or how much I'm defending because that is what I need to do in order to be able to function.

It is a fairly critical point, I guess...

But... I really don't think he understands about how vulnerable I am. And I really do think... That his theory guides him (at times) in a way that is disrespectful of what I'm trying to do with our time together.

In the gentlest possible way...

Is it that you were once very fragile? What about the part of you that survived? There is another part inside also. Maybe feeling your very fragile prevents you from moving forward? prevents you from having to feel feelings that sometimes come about when we don't feel understood or connected with T? I'm sure there is a stronger AK in there also?

The part of me that survived survived by removing myself emotionally or by withdrawing my care or by dissociating myself emotionally from the situation.

Now, what he is asking me to do is to cope with his leaving without removing myself emotionally or by withdrawing my care or by dissociating myself emotionally from the situation.

But... Removing myself emotionally or withdrawing or dissociating was precisely how I was able to keep up my functioning in the face of the person leaving.

And now when I remove myself or withdraw or dissociate he tries to call me on it and he tries to make it such that I won't do that.

But... I need to do that in order to be able to cope.

My changing that... Will be slow. Will be gradual. It isn't something that he can hurry along just because our time is limited. Doesn't matter how much our time is limited or not it simply isn't something that can or will be hurried along.

If I invest too much... I run the risk of losing my functioning in the face of his going.

My withdrawal is (at present) a necessary coping strategy. If I didn't do that then I wouldn't be able to function.

It will not be hurried along. I do take risks. They are small, yes. But that is because I am fragile and because my functioning is crucial to me. If he can't respect that... Well... That certainly isn't the way for him to get me to trust / invest in him more. I invest more than I feel comfortable with already. I am taking risks. If he doesn't get that... Well... %#@&#! him. %#@&#! HIM.

You say he is calling you on it? What is he saying exactly? I know in the beginning T use to ask me what I will do in her absence? I'd reply, "rub you out" and she'd smile and say that by doing that I am also "rubbing" part of me out and that infact I would feel stronger If I were to keep her in.

I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, as I had no idea I even dissoicated at that point, as that was rule of thumb for me in life.

Only gradually wiht each absence I began to "mourn" her absence and managed to allow that feeling to remain. I don't think it was something I could do completely consiously, though by journalling my thoughts and feelings around her absence i was becoming more aware of them instead of just this heavy dark cloud I put everything down too.

As adults we really aren't that fragile in reality, only in our minds, and yes our minds can "break" down, infact I think I've had many little breakdowns during the processs,but each time I've come back more whole.

Yes I understand exactly how your feeling, but you've got to feel it. There are no short cuts. If you want to get out of this hole, you've got to keep on digging or your be stuck in quick stand for ever, the extra push is worth it for ((YOU))

He said something... I'm not sure that I can remember now... But he said something that revealed that he thought that when I remembered things that were early childhood feelings from my Mother and / or my Father that that somehow was supposed to be where the real work and the real disclosure was. Whereas... When I try and talk to him about present difficulties (e.g., at work) or present / past difficulties (e.g., in online communications) or past difficulties (e.g., with respect to my experiences with the mental health system back home) that I am avoiding.

I'm sorry I can't convey the precise words... I think that I am understanding him with respect to the focus on Mother / Father somehow consisting in the 'real work' whereas the focus on more recent events somehow consisting in 'avoiding' or 'defending'.

I'm pissed that he won't just shut the %#@&#! up and listen to me talk about those other things for a while. If you don't see the %#@&#! point then how about shutting the %#@&#! up and letting me get to it. I feel sometimes... Like he is trying to guide / direct the conversation towards something that HE feels is important and / or significant and that sometimes that means that he is positively disrespectful to MY TAKE on what is important and / or significant.

So my question to him was: Why don't you trust me?

One context... Was when I was telling him about my experiences as a teenager in church. He kept trying to interpret what was going on there with respect to earlier experiences with my Mother and / or Father. I kept pressing on (ignoring his comments / attempts to direct me). He persisted... I persisted... I eventually told him that one of the church leaders got a little 'too friendly' with me and that that was how the screaming started. Then he was like 'oh'. He was too busy to think that I was defending / avoiding to simply shut the %#@&#! up and let me get to what the hell I was trying to tell him. I have never told any therapist about what happened with that church leader. If I have been sexually abused (and I'm not sure that I have been) that was precisely when that %#@&#! was.

I think that might have been why he got defensive when I said about how I feel like he doesn't trust me and how he is quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm defending / avoiding rather than just %#@&#! well listening sympathetically so that I can actually get to what it is that I'm %#@&#! well trying to tell him.

I didn't mean to attack him, but it is important to me. That is why... I'd rather be doing free-association / couch work. SO that he would be shutting up more and listening more and just trying his damndest to understand what might be behind what I was saying rather than assuming I'm defending because I'm not talking about Mummy and Daddy.

I don't know what will happen now... Maybe I'll have the courage to revisit this... Or maybe not. I tried to explain this in an email but he still missed the point...

So... I don't know...

I don't know...

ohhhhhhhh, I see. I'm guess I'm just used to a T that really doesn't say a lot at all. I think even if she were to feel the way you describe your T as being, she'd allow me to reach that conclusion by myself. So yes I'd be angry too in your situation. I dunno, tell him to F**K off and get another T...

hey. i would tell him to %#@&#! off except for the fact that... things are basically good between us.

i think that basically the idea is that there needs to be a middle way so that both of us can get through this unscathed.

i mean... i'm sure he is right that the stuff that happened (or happens) with the church leader and with work and with my online communications has its origins back with mummy and daddy. i'm sure he is right in that respect. i'm sure that the transference (or self-object stuff) that happens between us is simlarly grounded in what happened with mummy and daddy.

but the point is... that sometimes it is important to stick with how i feel in the present. whether how i feel in the present is a response to the transference (and / or self-object dynamic between us) or whether it is a response to my experiences in the mental health system or my experiences at work or my experiences in church... part of the battle (that is jolly well hard for me) is to sort out how i feel about that.

how i feel about that.
figure it out
dwell on it
validate it

and then (and only then) and very gently then to figure out how it results from past experiences with mummy and daddy.

slowly slowly gently does it. i don't care what you call it. call it defending or avoiding or procrastinating i don't give a %#@&#!.

trouble is... i have so much fear and shame and anxiety about work and online communications and my experience with the mental health system and my experiences with church for it to be a major %#@&#! milestone for me to figure that out.

and hurrying its relation to mummy and daddy somehow circumvents.

its a kind of reliving the trauma in the absence of the present i'm performing in a dramatic way 'cause maybe then you will approve of me and think i'm working hard and loving me dynamic that ultimately isn't so helpful.

that ultimately is a defence / avoidance.

and of course this issue comes up all bound up in rationalisations of my pushing him away (bad t you left me) but of course there is still a grain of truth...

i'm committed to working with him...
and he is committed to working with me...
and i trust he is doing the best that he can...
and all i need to know is that...
he is similarly trusting me.

I would definitely revisit it because you don't want him going one way and you the other-- him talking about something and you ignoring and talking about your thing and vice versa...

I like that you can say that trust that you are both committed to the relationship.... That he is doing the best he can... Now the two of you just have to come together a little bit more.