Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Ugh, that sucks JDNA...

T. I am a tiny bit overwhelmed by how nice the messages that you left me are. I was expecting little self-care suggestions that bordered on cheesy, not actual hopes and feelings. It's a good problem to have, but geez. Come back soon, won't you?

You said it was a misunderstanding. You apologized 3 times. You said you care about me. You said you feel like I am putting you in the evil internal parent role again. We are talking at 4 30

Why do I still feel like you hate me. I've been depressed for a month now. The voices come in intense waves and its so hard to cope without drugs. I feel like I'm getting ****ed over. Every day with new and improved bullshyt. I'm so tired of everything especially myself and my mind. Please bear with me?????

Hi T,

You keep saying that expressing anger is ok. That relationship can handle anger, that it's important to let someone know something isn't ok.

I even thought about telling you that I'm annoyed with you for how you handled Tuesday.

I changed my mind. Anger is bad. Relationships do get broken because of it.

Why does he get to yell at me like that?

See you soon...

FM,

Thanks for taking the time to attend to the little one this morning.

t,

i don’t know what i want. do i continue therapy, or walk away like i’ve been wanting to do for some time now. i don’t want to just disappear on you, but i also can’t stand a lecture from you with all your therapisty bullsh*t jargon, either. is it possible for you to just be real with me?

me

Hi.
Just feeling the connection and wanted to say hi.

Hi, R.

I don't know how I'm going to begin to tell you about last Friday. My first panic attack...I hope to whatever there is to hope to that it was my last. Scary as hell, and left me feeling lethargic and out of it for nearly a week? Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

See you tomorrow...at last.

You had an earlier time available and we talked for an hour. Thank you it was nice to hear your voice and your reassurances

I know you just want to be compassionate when you're getting emotional and say things like "I'm worried about you", "That's horrible" and so on, maybe you just want me to come out my shell a bit more. But even so, it irritates me, because I feel subliminally guilty for making you sad. I was really annoyed after last session, and wish you would adjust a little bit more to me.

You asked what D said when I told her. She totally validated my experience Totally. (unlike my FOO).

i wish i could spend thanksgiving with you, instead i get to spend it all alone

I miss you.

I thought you were supposed to make me better, but I feel so much worse now than I did in May. It's not all your fault. Other circumstances have changed, which made things worse. But...oh, I don't even know anymore.

Angry, cranky. You've loving family, loving friends. You enjoy the holidays of the year. I don't. I envy you.

Mister Universe shouldn't be allowed to work as a therapist. This is UNFAIR.

See you in 17 hours 20 minutes

Not like I was going to say it to you today, but today's session was the safest I have felt in a week. Thank you, as ever, for your compassion...and also for not letting on. I thought I'd scared you at first, but when you said that you had that physical response to what I was telling you...that's empathy.

I'm grateful beyond measure. See you on the 7th.

Lost

Dear T2,
Hope your back's feeling better so that you can enjoy your Thanksgiving!
See you tomorrow (I hope!),
LT

Thank you for hearing me and for letting me know you are willing to tackle the countertransference. Thank you for listening and caring.

Heya t. You are on my list of things I'm grateful for on this day of thanks giving. I hope you are having a blessed day.

remember 2 years ago when i textd you Happy Thanksgiving and you texted me back "you too! i am thankful for you"

do you remember that. i remember that. i miss it

Hey, I hope you're having a good Thanksgiving.

I'm jealous of all the people who get to spend Thanksgiving with you. I love you.

I am thankful for my family including my dog, my current work environment/friends, and my T.

Dear Dr. S,

I miss you. We would usually be in session right now. I hope you have had a good day. Thank you for being you, for reaching out when I wanted to leave, for being open to pretty much everything I bring to you. I appreciate and am grateful for you and your role in my life.

love,
me

ps. 6 sleeps is too much for the little one to understand.

T,
I hope your thanksgiving is going well, or at least better than mine. My ED is coming back in full force. I guess we'll talk about that later, but only if I lose five more pounds, otherwise I'll be embarrassed to tell you.
Anyway, I hope your thanksgiving was joyful and that you got to spend time with your family, you deserve a nice relaxing break